The Most Excruciatingly Enjoyable Chapter Ever
The Most Uninspiring Brony Ever
Okay guys, here's my story.
I was just your average brony. I did a bit of this, clopped to a bit of that. No sweat. That was it. Okay?
One day, I was busy satisfying myself to Cupcakes when Lord Almighty busted in on me. I mean, you've been caught by your parents right? I was caught by God himself. Imagine. Just imagine it. Right now, whatever you're doing. Look down at your clothes, you're naked. Look up, there he is.
Fucking. Hell.
So yeah he was all like “repent your sins” and I was like: “Hey can't a guy have some privacy.” I would have perhaps given the Lord some common courtesy but I think I was high that night. Like real high. So anyway he started reading out the things I'd done in my life. No not everything I'd ever done, just the bad things. Yeah, looking back that's kinda everything. He just went on and on about drugs and stabbings and who knows what else ( I most certainly don't). Then he was all like “go make some friends” and zapped me through a portal.
I obviously missed the part where he said “I'm taking to you some fucking horses.”
Friends? Okay. Horse friends? No, just no. I watched the show and all but mingling with them? All kinds of weird. I'd prefer just to stick to the crack and stuff.
So yeah, here I am. And one was in front of me: Pinkie Pie. I swear she actually was on crack.
If I wasn't really high right now, I'm sure the realisation that I was in an alternate world would have hit me harder. Thankfully I wasn't. Now, I bet you're wondering. “Hey faggot, no self-insert fapfic” and frankly I was thinking the same thing at the time. I've read my fair share of rubbish stories and I was determined to make mine a success. Starting now. Time to differentiate from the norm: come the fuck at me ponies.
***
“Welcome to Equestria!” she screeches. She sounds way more annoying in person. Let's give her a little something to think about.
“Je ne comprends pas,” I say. Yeah, chew on that French why don't you? What? I had actually gone to school for a bit.
A bit.
A week.
I didn't go afterwards considering I'd torched the place. Oh yeah, those sins.
Pinkie Pie looks at me blankly before opening her stupid mouth. I really hated her the most out of the Mane 6. Thankfully she hadn't gone full-on insane yet. But don't worry, I'm sure it was coming.
“What did you say?”
“Fuck,” I reply, keen to see how extensive her vocabulary was.
“I only speak Equestrian.”
Oh, would you look at that? Equestrian. Perhaps I should burst her little bubble and say it was English but although Pinkie was pretty damn annoying I didn't want to invoke her wrath.
“Hi,” I finally say.
“Welcome to Equestria!”
Not that again. I know the damn place. Thinking back to what The Almighty said I wondered how the fuck I was going to “repent my sins.” I had no intention to. But unfortunately, if God was all he made out to be, he was omniscient. So even if I pretended to 'make friends', he would know.
Fuck.
I was currently losing 2- 0 in my personal struggle with God. I figured it was only going to get worse. Looking up I saw Pinkie Pie's gigantic eyes and grossly dilated pupils. Seriously who would make these things like that? That's some crazy shit.
Look, I was in no mood for conversing with animals. I was kinda in the middle of something and wanted to get back to Earth as soon as possible.
“Yeah, take me around Ponyville or some shit,”
“Sure thing er... what was your name again?”
“Wankstain,” I reply.
“Cool! Let's get started!”
I found it amusing that their “Equestrian language” didn't include profanities. Good, they were going to be hearing them a lot.
As I followed the horse, the abomination of technicolour that was Rainbow Dash swooped down from the trees.
“Hey fuckstick shit Rainbow wank tit twat Dash,” I mutter.
“Hey! How do you know my name! And why do you look weird?” Rainbow Dash say, attempting and miserably failing to be intimidating.
Some ponies just lacked manners these days. I blame it on the politicians. As always. Okay, at least she again didn't understand any swear word either.
“My dad dropped me in a vat of acid when I was young. I'm all deformed now. Can't believe you called me 'weird',” I said, turning away and bursting into tears.
Okay, either I was shit at play-acting or Rainbow Dash was a proper cunt because she wasn't buying it. And I know I'm good at acting. Like that time when I torched my school. Oh, I already told you that? Oh.
“Rainbow Dash! How could you be so mean!” shouts Pinkie, before rushing over to comfort me.
She had just overtaken Dash in my list of ponies to wank to. Wait forget wank, this is becoming a full-on clopfic.
Eventually. Perhaps. Maybe.
That would be even greater kinds of weird. Actually, forget the clopfic. I bet you're all heaving a sigh of relief now.
So anyway, Pinkie gave Dash a good talking to and she fucked off. I don't know know/care where she went so don't ask.
After a few minutes of walking and taking in the scenery in glorious technicolour, also wondering what my phallus looked like in glorious technicolour (but having the manners not to look– see, I'm good), we come to the edge of Ponyville.
Yay.
Using my vast intellectual knowledge–yeah I know, I can't keep a straight face either while saying that–I began to wonder why the fuck nobody, wait, nopony* really cared that I was a human.
As soon as I step into Ponyville they come charging, spraying their jubilations everywhere. I want none of it. Remember the part about not wanting horse friends? Yeah, that part, that part right up there.
I don't know where they were taking me. For all I know it could be some sort of religious sacrifice to Celestia–I hadn't really kept up with the show as of late. I was just about to put my magnificent play-acting to the test again and have a complete mental breakdown but unfortunately, I arrive at the library.
Okay, let's set this straight. Twilight was one of my favourites but we all knew she was kind of a bitch. Now to see if she actually was said bitch.
Pinkie Pie opens the door and pushes me inside before shutting it. I mean seriously, what the fuck was actually going on?
If this was some regular HiE by now I would have probably made friends with them all, banged a few, saved the world then died a tragic death because everybody cares. Oh wait, no they don't.
“Welcome to Equestria!” Twilight says.
Not this shit again. You think I don't know that by now?
“Hi.”
“You may be wondering why you are here. You are here because we recently realised that other worlds exist and Princess Celestia ordered me to bring an inhabitant over here.”
What a bitch. Taking credit for all God did. Yeah God, this one's for you. Hope you just heard me say/think that. Okay, let's play along. Hopefully, I don't have to save the world and this really is just making friends.
“Why thank you, you are most kind. What will I do now I am here?” I said politely, putting on my most sophisticated voice. Might I add that it's pretty damn sophisticated.
I was tempted to tell her she was a stupid kids' show but I refrained. See? I'm good like that.
“Well it turns out that the God of Chaos has figured out a way to defeat the Elements of Harmony. So we need you to help us.”
Fuck.
This was going to be one of those “I'm so cool-everything's about me-everypony loves me- I will save the world- shit” crap stories.
No, I won't allow it to happen.
Mark my fucking words.
Go on. Mark 'em.
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Ok, it's a trollfic about bad Hie fics.
Dis gon b gud.
Oh, yeah. This is fucking great/10.
Mark my fucking words.
Go on. Mark 'em.
Consider your words thoroughly marked.
I like this... Yep, I like this a lot. *nods*
Okay, trollfic. Funny. Next chapter will tell.
This should be interesting...
Another trollfic..
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/35036700.jpg
2509236
Yep, and a good one at that.
Bwahahahahahahaha!
To quote Rarity: This is GENIUS!
MOAR!
Trying too hard to sound edgy in my opinion, thus I can't find it funny. Not my cup of tea.
SO... Reading this during down time at work and... Well... I can now officially say that I've had to make a double take at something that I was reading.
Alright my jaw dropped in familiarity at the fact that the titles resemble Penguinz0 (or Cr1tikal). Am i right cause if i am then be prepared for the Flood gates of bullshit as i break three of my limbs by throwing myself (asshole) at the comment section (wagon wheel) and eventually die of quotes and references.
Why did you stop writing? This is really what I've been wanting to get my life into.