I have a terrifying shortage of money and a surplus of time, so I'm opening up commissions once more! I will craft you the perfect story to your specifications, clean or cloppy, heartfelt or hot-fetishy, in exchange for money.
Rules are the same as last time: $15 per thousand words, 1k words minimum, we hash out a deadline, and then trade the fic for the $.
Just sayin'. If anyone's curious.
Of all the darn game series from the SNES/PS1 era, this one gets to drag itself out of the shallow grave it dug itself by face-planting the 2D to 3D jump? This deserved getting exhumed out of the 90’s?!?!
Bella gets a new house for her birthday and it’s purty.
That’s it.
I FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK.
Well, okay. That’s not completely it. It does have one of the better Alice moments, where she and Edward have both gotten Bella gifts and each wants to give theirs first:
“I know — I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”
Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.
“Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.
Bella has another dream about the immortal child, again with the Volturi coming for him, only this time she feels powerful and wants to protect him. Why? ’Cause he’s purty? Didn’t you hear about all the destruction they could cause? The Volturi are trying to keep vampires secret and keep humans from hunting them down. It’s not like they’re stomping around, going, “No fun allowed!” It’s like they’re trying to keep you from skating somewhere because that somewhere is a minefield. When she wakes
You know things are even worse when you feel tired for complaining about all the padding.
Jacob arrives at the Cullens’ and finds a fresh set of clothes waiting for him. As he’d torn his last set changing when he left the house last chapter, he’s grateful. He re-enters the living room and finds that it’s back to mostly normal, with no hospital bed or anything. Bella hears Jacob enter and her face lights up.
What do I look like? A writer? You need some good prose? You need some good characters? TOO BAD. They’re mine. You’re not getting anything.
Waiting for the damn book to end already. Notice something different about the chapter title? For the next ten or so chapters, the book’s narrated by Jacob instead of Bella. And if he’s anything like he was at the end of Eclipse, this is going to be painful. VERY. VERY. PAINFUL.
There’s a “preface” for this section, too. This is it, in its entirety:
Life sucks, and then you die.
Yeah, I should be so lucky.
Sometimes I hate myself.
There's this little thing about me that is equally the worst and best part about myself, in my opinion.
That thing is conceit. Egoism.
Pride is something that has always been seen as a negative trait. I wonder why. Pride is not arrogance. You can be prideful without putting down your competition and talking about yourself nonstop. You simply must not be humble.
In a time of peace, the NEW REPUBLIC expands across the galaxy, with millions of planets joining their government. In order to connect with the universe around them.
In an hour or 2 the new chapter of It’s not easy will be out and in the next few days the next Sweetie alone should be coming out.
My mental health has never been a secret from all of you strangers and fans. I think it's healthy to be able to talk about it, when you're good, and when you're bad. My last blog post was when it was bad. Really bad.
I may be an Englishman, meaning that drinking tea is a law over here, but I've been feeling so dead in the past few weeks that I'm considering switching to coffee! 
Annnnd now that I've said that, I expect that it won't be long until Queen Elizabeth sends along a jail chariot to either sentence me to death at the Tower of London or maybe she'll have me exiled. Maybe I'll end up in France, and the next time you hear from me, my name will sound like this -
What.
WHAT?
Guys, what did you do? I made this in like ten seconds. Why is it everywhere? This was filler while I worked on other stuff. Now people are yelling at me for making it.
Really though I'm too grateful for mere words to ever fully describe. I'm gonna go back over it and clean it up sense it seems it's now going to be everywhere. Thank you so much.
I AM SO FREAKING READY! YES! YES! GOD DAMN IT YES! I AM HYPED FOR THIS MOVIE!
DEADPOOL! TEACH ME HOW TO BE WITTY AND INSANE! AH HA HA HA!
Ahem...
Yes, I am EXCITED for this MOVIE! Can you NOT TELL by the EXCESSIVE amount of CAPITALIZED letterings I AM using in my BLOG?
Made another offshoot to Love Call of the Sirens Last night. Fair warning, this one has the random tag and for good reason! For a frame of reference, see the middle panel of the below Penny Arcade comic.
You have been warned. Enjoy!
This must set some kind of record. These are the very first sentences in the chapter:
“I miss you already.”
“I don’t need to leave. I can stay…”
Four words in, and CM + 1. Wow. Even by this series’ standards, wow.
It’s the night before the wedding, and our resident codependent couple is in the middle of a kissing session. Quite a clingy one, too:
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