it has nothing to do with deh i swear

someone pls end this endless cycle of self hate blehehh

i know exactly how I could do it (that isn't killing myself)
I'm just not ready to do it

oh how i hate my family to the point i have constant thoughts of...

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I can't write anymore. I can't do anything anymore. I'm stuck on this story, and I can't finish it, and I can't write anything else until it's finished. I hate it, I hate writing, and I hate myself. I fucking wish I'd never started it. It's a monstrosity, like me, and I just don't know what to do with it.

Hey everyone. Like pokemon? Then check some of these pieces of gloriously bad meme out:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12288631/1/The-Legend-of-Red
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12408081/1/My-name-is-Coldsteel-the-Hedgeheg
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12328752/1/VERLISIFY-VERSUS-SMOGON

Enjoy!

Words are...hard.
I struggle to find the right words to say.
the feelings in my heart.
I struggle to find the right word to say.

Am I any good at this?
Can I write at all?
How do I know?
How do I see the light that shines within.

I know it's hard, I know it can be overbearing, and it can consume me.
I won't let it get me down.
Even as I sit here, crying unable to stop the tears

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I don't smile,
I don't laugh,
I don't care about life,
I don't think about tomorrow,
Every day is just another that is borrowed.

Anxiety is always surging,
My stomach is always purging and twisting,
My thoughts are always kept high but my head is hung down low,
I don't want this pain anymore,
Misery is aplenty,
I just want to get out of here.

Don't lie to me,
I see it in your eyes, the fact that you are scared of me,
I know not why, and it makes me cry,

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So I don't talk about myself too much here, oddly enough I talk about myself here in more personal detail than anywhere else. I guess it feels safer to talk about things bothering me when nobody knows my real name. Yet I think there are some things that need discussed, for my sake and hopefully to help others. For the past year I've been suffering with suicidal depression. I've seen a therapist, I've done some exercising, and I even picked up yoga. All these things have been very helpful but

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Look, I know it's been ages since I published a new chapter of the Awesome Spider-Dash, and I just want to apologise for that. At first it was just pure laziness and writers block (you know, the usual), but lately it's more been fear and shame that has stopped me from writing.

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It’s a strange thing, isn’t it? To look back on where you’ve been and how much you’ve changed a couple of short years. Two years ago at this time, I was still very much ignoring this fandom, and the show that we all love. I was interested, but not wanting to acknowledge that interest, but it wasn’t to last. By the end of November I was bingeing the whole series on Netflix, and by the first of 2018 I was totally enraptured with these lovely little ponies and their world.

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How do I love and care about myself as much as I say I love and care about my friends? I want to stop disappointing myself so I stop breaking my mom’s heart, because she already lost her husband to shittyness, she doesn’t want to and can’t watch me squander my amazing potential on idle hedonism every single day year after year.

P.S: this extends to writing as well. Believe it or not, I would like to write more than just shitfics all the time.

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Don't chase the white rabbit, don't chase the white rabbit, don't chase the white rabbit--

This was a really eventful weekend. Went to BABSCon 2016. Came home and my big brother is here visiting from Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Not a surprise, and I love my brother (he's a major reason I'm such a nerd today--the guy collects Star Wars and Strawberry Shortcake for heavens sake) BUT OH MY GOD. If I thought his wife visiting was an extended trip through awkward city, this shit is worse. Yesterday we had a barbecue and everyone got drunk. Husband got mad at having to deal with the in-law BS

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Sup peeps and stalkers. As you may or may not know... I like to draw. Yeah, shocking rite??? But anyway the thing i that I've rarely drawn anything original. You know, as in not fanart.

So instead of doing sketches about original stuff and concepts I said screw it and jumped right into making my own original web comic. Headfirst! LIKE A MAN!

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Currently Reading: Green - Chapter 24
Currently Listening: Starry Starry Night (Luna's Song) - Vincent Parody
Current Mood:

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Baloo, my big brother, is going back to Guantanamo Bay today. He drove me crazy half the time, and yet I'm still sad he's going. SmallCaliber seemed confused as to why his uncle was packing his stuff and leaving us behind. I managed to not cry.

I even forgot to take my meds yesterday, so I feel lethargic and achey. Fun.

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I'm safe. I'm not suicidal or anything. This is just a vent blog. I'm trying to help 4 different homeless friends right now in various ways, but

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chased the white rabbit

lost writing time

dumb

Suffering is one of life's greatest obstacles to seeing the Goodness of God. Does God see what we suffer? The following words are not my own, but a reflection on this mystery by the late Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. I share them with the hope that they help you as much as they have helped me. If any of you are in need of prayers for any reason, just let me know in the comments, or feel free to message me, peace.

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I seriously don't know what i'm feeling right now.
It seems to be a mix between sad and happy.

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So I had assumed, like the madman that I am, that I would have SO much more time to write when the school year started and my hours at work would change. Well, without going into tremendous detail about my life, it seems that online learning has greatly impacted me. I currently have less time while I adjust AGAIN to how my daily routines go. So this isn't me saying "I stopped working on my story," but rather to please continue to be patient.

It's coming.

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