Today is the last day to join, so if you want in on it, be sure to read over the rules and PM Shakespearicles!connect:disconnect · 3:17pm Apr 15th, 2016
Sometimes I find myself so provoked to type out my thoughts, it becomes a compulsion. I'm not saying that with any kind of jest--I really do enter these weird "binge and purge" cycles (as my therapist calls it) to indulge in projects, large or small. It usually starts out innocent. A kind of a, "Hey, this would be fun to do!" kind of thing. Then the pressure steadily builds, and I suffer thought interference to an extreme level. I'll be doing something only to stop and start doing that thing I'm obsessing over. Or I'll stare at the wall thinking about the thing I'm obsessing over. When outside forces try to impede on me engaging with this obsession, I get angry and/or depressed. Sometimes I can wait it out--like a storm passing over a small island. Other times, it's a hopeless battle. My ability to process things narrows down to a pinprick. I'll shut down and stubbornly pursue that which has possessed me. Once I've accomplished that thing my mind so craves to do, it's like a pressure is lifted, and my focus widens. It feels like I can breathe again.
This OCD behavior is triggered by something. I'm still not sure what. It could be multiple things. It happened to me Monday and Tuesday. It's sort of happening right now, but by consciously discussing it, I think I'm keeping it from getting worse. I'm trying to do somatic exercises to alleviate the pressure. It's kind of helping, but it doesn't take it away completely.
What am I obsessing over, atm? I want to sound smart. That sounds ridiculous, I know. What I mean is--I want to write a blog post that sounds so devastatingly intelligent and worldly that people read it and think I'm worth something. Originally this post was going to talk about garage punk and psychedelic rock music from the Augusta, GA music scene, but I knew that was just chasing the white rabbit. If I'm going to scratch my itch, even mildly, I want to be honest about what I'm really doing.
Kiddo is currently watching cartoons. I have maybe another five minutes before he needs me to be "mama" again. I have to pull my head out of my ass. I sent a text to my therapist, hoping for a 10 minute pep talk, but I dunno if they can call within the next hour before today's toddler class. The class itself might be enough to get me anchored again.
Feel free to respond to this, but know that I might not respond quickly. Sometimes doing the back and forth on FimFiction is just another way for my mind to be OCD. I'm trying to stay mentally present for my son.
I kind of feel better now. See? Journaling/blogging has its uses.
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Wow.
I feel for you, girl.
3872243 Thanks for the sympathy.
I feel better. Storm has passed.
3872592 That's very good to hear.
3873898 this has been on my radar since you posted it. I just wanted you to know: I laughed. Heartily.