If you came to hear a story, I’m sorry to disappoint. I suspect this’ll just end up as one big confession, really. When you’re the first Teutscher to set hoof into Equestria, I suppose that’s to be expected. And when you’re the universe’s favorite chew toy, doubly so. Still, with enough wit, some Prussian ingenuity, a droll sense of humor, and wanton murder, I might just survive this. Then again, when you’re going up against an unending list of things like government conspiracies, that guardian angel who keeps telling you to kill ponies, psycho Equestrian girls with allophilia, a lunatic princess, the legions of the Inferno, the Equestrian culture itself, swashbuckling sword fights, and laissez-faire economists, you begin to realize why there’s a big “if” in the middle of your life.

Your thoughts/critiques/deathreats are welcome in the comments. Spoilers are also encouraged. If you don’t have anything to complain about, do please tell me what you liked so I know what worked.

Now on TV Tropes. Posted on the Equestria Daily 5/28/13. Now in ePub format for your convenience.

Most ponies assume that something is wrong with Ditzy Do's eyes. Theories range from a head injury to a genetic disorder to muscle damage behind her eye. The crueler folk suggest she's just retarded. Nicer ponies say it's just a party trick she never got tired of.

They're all wrong. They're all very, very wrong.

I discovered the truth one day in conversation with her. One eye would always look at me, and the other would wander. At least, I thought it was wandering. So while we were talking, I followed it. Goddess in heaven I wish I had not. Never follow the other eye. Ever. Because Ditzy Do's eyes work fine.

She's just watching something. That... thing that's always in the corner of our eyes. And if she looks at you with both eyes?

Goddess save you.

----

Preread by BrastaAAura17, Chase Cosmicwing and dreamingnoctis. Cover art also by dreamingnoctis. Guy's a bro.

Meet Daymos. He's just like any other pony in Ponyville.

He works.

He plays.

He has bodies in his basement.

Okay, maybe he's not like any other pony.

But he's only trying to help.

He's a killer with a conscience and murderer with morals.

So if you end up on his table... You probably deserve what's coming.

Author's Note: Okay, this is going to take a while... I have a HUGE story planned for this thing and it's going to take a while to write it all. But I feel like if I write like 3000+ words a week, I can make some headway on it. Now, about the story. It's not exactly a crossover; it's more of an 'inspired by'. One day, I started wondering how a Dexter-esque pony would play out and this spawned. I wanted to submit it to Equestria Daily... But I kept feeling like their requirements were so arbitrary and restricting. I almost dropped it because of all the tiny little nitpicks. So, here you are. Unabridged, unabashed, unedited. Enjoy.