Everybody's Watchin' - On Mental Health and the Feature Box Syndrome · 6:22pm May 3rd, 2018
Mental illness is something that poisons many people I know, including myself.
It is ugly, and awful, and no one wants to talk about it because it feels shameful to do so. Because it feels like a call to attention, like wanting to garner sympathy that one feels they don't deserve, because it makes you weak.
Why do I talk about it? Personally speaking, because talking about it is the only way I can understand it. It is the only way I can dissect it, and figure it out, and most importantly, get better. I am both the patient and the therapist, if anything because I don't have medical insurance so I can't get legit therapy.
As a disclaimer, everything expressed in this blogpost will be written as personally as possible. This is to say, I don't intend on presuming what other people feel, what they think, or to invalidate their experiences. We are all different in our ways, all shaped by different paths, and I only intend to say "this is how I perceive reality". My experience may be vastly different than yours.
The only thing I can say is that this blogpost will be brutally and viciously authentic, as everything else I do tends to be. I'm not here to put on a mask, to make things sound pretty or ugly, I am here to be who I am, for better or worse or in between.
So, today's topic is the the Feature Box, and to an extension, being popular.
It feels wrong to say that. It feels wrong to sit here and say, 'I, Monochromatic, am popular' because pride of oneself is often shamed by society. Humility is praised, ego is shunned, and finding a balance between the two is complicated. I think, perhaps, that the key to this is to have a healthy mix of confidence in your abilities while knowing there is always room to improve.
Then again, easier said than done.
I am going to make a statement now, which might be true, but will come out as conceited, and I want to say that my aim is not to boast, merely to state a fact.
Regardless of what I post, it will in a 90% chance make it to the feature box.
Because of my followers, because of my writing talent, because of any of these things, but it will certainly get there.
The Feature Box, a place that's either glorified or mocked. I'm trying to think now of what I’ve heard of it, and mostly what comes to mind is that it’s often said that everything on the feature box is usually garbage.
In fact, a ‘social experiment’ of sorts was conducted earlier this month, where an intentionally bad story posted on a new account made it to the high ranks of this coveted yet reviled box.
This reviled box that, as I said, I will most certainly get into with a 90% certainty, regardless of what I write, and this has crippled me and damaged me in more ways than one.
I got my start in this fandom by writing fluffy RariTwi oneshots. It was what I did, what made me happy. There were no expectations, no pressure to write a fantastic groundbreaking story. All that mattered is that Rarity and Twilight were being cute in some sort of decently written fashion.
I posted a story last week. A fluffy one-shot about Twilight stressing out and Rarity shushing her and cuddling her.
In my, I believe, four years of being a writer on this website, I have never struggled so much with a story to the point of wanting to quit writing altogether. There are links to several scrapped versions I could post, chatlogs of me swearing off writing for ponies altogether I could share.
I could not write a single 3,000 word fic because I am MonochromaticTM and so everything I write has to be amazing and thoughtful and groundbreaking and a fluffy story isn’t doing anything for anyone especially less so when I will be on that damn feature box probably.
Because I’ve heard so much that the feature box is garbage and overrated, therefore all my fics that make it there must clearly be garbage and overrated.
Because I have over two thousand followers so clearly I can’t disappoint them, and clearly they’re here for insightful stories and not RariTwi, and there must be better writers than me out there with less followers, so how dare I be less than perfect.
Because clearly, I’m not talented and getting on the feature box because of that, but because I have 2,000 followers.
Because it’s not about writing stories that make you happy, it’s about writing great stories and a fluff fic can’t ever be a great story.
Because to post it on an alternate account is the same as admitting I know it's a bad story that doesn't deserve to be in the FB.
And, these statements, starting from “I could not write” all have one single common thread: these are my thoughts. Everything I’ve said there is not something someone has said directly to me (though they have said it in general), and I am the only one who keeps reinforcing these thoughts constantly in my head.
As always, the one who is making the choice to think this way and validate these opinions, is me.
Because I allow these thoughts to poison all I do.
Because to say that I am a talentless hack is to, frankly, insult all those 2,000 readers that have faith in me and liked my stuff enough to click it.
Because, honestly, taste is subjective as is the quality of a fic.
Confidence, and self-esteem is not something easy to get. Even as I sit here and contradict my toxic thoughts, I know that tomorrow I will think them, and maybe next week, and maybe the next and the next. And, you know, even after I have therapy, I’ll probably still have to deal with this.
But I’d rather deal with it. I’d rather sit here and tell you all this, for better or worse, because it is my creed that everything I do be done with authenticity and heart. Because, as I’ve said before, and apparently forgot, regardless of what you write, someone out there will appreciate it.
It is scary to publish. It is scary to publish, and infinitely moreso when you know people are watching now. It is scary and difficult when you know that, invariably, someone out there won’t like it.
Which is fair and absolutely in their right.
All of this scary and hard and terrifying but it is made so much worse when the biggest critic, when the real actual hater lives within you, hissing and whispering and sneering all the god damn time.
Mental illness sucks. It sucks that it has crippled me, that it has destroyed me, that it has led me to scrapping dozens of stories out of fear of them not being good enough. It sucks that this is a fight I will have to fight my entire life.
But I want to fight it. I’m trying to fight it, and by sitting here and posting this even my lesser self hisses against it, I’m also fighting it, for better or worse. Even if it’s hard, I want to continue being confident in myself while knowing there’s still space to try different things and different methods.
Otherwise, I don’t intend anything with this. All I intend is to share my experiences, as I always have, and encourage others to do the same or know that they can do so with me.
As was said in a last season episode, we cannot control what other people think or do or say. We can, however, try to control how it affects us.
To those of you who resonated with this blogpost, all I can say is that I will continue to fight this. I hope that you do, too.
- Mono
EDIT: p.s. to be clear, and before anyone worries, I am well and fine now and ALSO SIGNING UP FOR MEDICAL so will be getting therapy soon maybe i hope and it will be great
QUICK!! STAVE OFF THE ANXIETY OF POSTING AN INCREDIBLY PERSONAL BLOGPOST BY SHARING A SOMEWHAT RELEVANT RARITWI DRAWING
78.media.tumblr.com/c383417f5ef9f8148e5ddb7cb46da4b5/tumblr_inline_p7fxeyzh291r4wnof_1280.png
D'awwwwwwwww
hugs
That’s all I got right now.
I used to have the same problem (still do, sorta, but not as much now, I think... I'm lying). It's a tough thing stressing out because 'you're horse famous so everything you write now must be golden!'. It's part of the reason many of my stories remain in a state of haitus. I'm not sure of the best way to overcome it, as different techniques work for different people, but here's hoping that you find one that works for you, because you write great stories, and you shouldn't have to fret about posting them.
4852849
Hugs are great, tho!!!
4852850
HONESTLY IT SUCKS but thank you for coming forward and saying that, Max. I really appreciate it ;o; We will mutually continue to support each other and if one finds the cure to this, we will share it and it will be great
I know this fight. People tell me I'm good at writing, but I always feel it's clunky. But it's not a fight we have to fight alone. We're all here because we want to, because we deemed you and your writing good enough.
You're not alone
This blogpost definitely resonates, and I think it'll hit a lot of writers here. Glad to see that you were able to write it and post it for us to read, and definitely proud of you for combatting it and taking the steps to help yourself through it Mono. <3
Unfortunately people do say stuff like that... not that it's true necessarily, but they say it. It is easier to blame a number of things for anyone making it there. If they're writing an OC story a specific user doesn't like, then it's automatically garbage and unworthy. If it's a story that's published by someone "popular" it automatically means it's only there because of the follower count, nothing else.
Most people that say that are really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, they'll say anything to empower themselves regardless of the truth. But what can they do? At worst they can go on a petty-mode mass downvoting of stories. Because that makes them feel better about themselves or something equally inane.
They have nothing on your inner judge, however, and that's what you have described here. It is a concept that was discussed in my Creative Writing classes by my teachers, and is discussed time and again by people that love to write, and who want to improve. It's the one that demands not only for you to do better, but also thinks nothing is up to snuff and emotionally will punish you and chase you away.
I'm glad you have the willpower to stand up to it and acknowledge where it comes from. All I can say is, try to keep having fun when you write stories.
I like your stuff because its happy, nice, cheesy, yes, but nice romance. Im not a romance person. Im about the last person that should have any say what romance is.
But I like what you write. Because it feels natural.
I envy that. To write and have the character seem right, just a little rotation from normal. But fleshed out people, with good and bad neurosises.
And I see so many times, the idea is there, and it just turns to ashes when I want to try. Want to breathe life into an idea. And it sucks. So bleeping much.
I smile, I laugh, and grin or cry with many of things you can do with a simple at first premise, but looking and seeing the work.
Ah well. I guess.
4852851
You'll be the first I share the secret with.
Mono, sé que probablemente no sea de mucha ayuda, pero gracias a este "unworthy fluff", Raritwi es mi ship favorito. Abrazos y besos desde Argentina, y te deseo lo mejor.
Glad to read this.
And glad to read this also. Take care of yourself.
Think of it this way: you reach the feature box consistently because you have 2000 followers, not necessarily because you’re good. But why do you have 2thousand followers? Well because you must be doing something right. (Hint: you’s good author!)
Let it be said, (Although you know this already I think), that while many of us found you through your Enchanted Library stuff, and thus we know you are capable of deep, amazing, complex and utterly incredible bits of fiction.
We love the hell out of your fluffy stuff. A lot. I suspect more people stay for your fluffy stuff then for Enchanted Library.
All I can offer is a little verbal (ok written) support and cuddles from Australia, but hopefully they help.
*cuddles*
I don't know if it helps, but you are one of the very few writers who woke in me the interest for romances. You made me appreciate them, deeply enjoy them, and wait for more. And for that I thank you
The expectations overall (and name :V) are different, but #me
This is why I haven't posted the next part of The Princess's Captain, to take a specific example. c.c I wrote a story because I wanted to write it, I had zero expectations, I figured people would hate it. Within 24 hours, it's at the top of the wackybox and now there's bazillions of people following it and I don't want to let them down. The great irony of course being that not putting the next part out is also letting them down. D:
But you're not alone. <3
I liked your fluffy RariTwi little story.
Although I bet this'll happen anyway, I feel like I should offer to give you a hug at EFNW (which is in two weeks!) because yeah no this resonates with me a lot :c
I find it's one of those things that I can overcome in short bursts, like when I get really excited, but then the worries come back and kick in the door and glare at my muse....
You're an awesome author, though, Mono. One of the best of us, honestly, and an amazing person.
You ever figure out how to banish the self-doubt, let me know! And I'll do the same!
It sounds like you have kinda figured this out, but I want to say it in case it is helpful to you or someone else who stumbles across this comment. There is a thing in cognitive behavioral therapy called the three Cs. The three Cs are Catch, Challenge, and Change. It outlines a process that goes like this. Catch (recognize) negative and distorted thoughts. Challenge the content of those thoughts. Finally, Change the thought to something that is true, ultimately changing your thought patterns.
In reading this post, you do seem to have done at least something similar. In my personal opinion, Catch is actually the hardest step at the beginning. When you are dealing with something like depression, negative and distorted thoughts are so common that is can be hard to recognize any that you need to examine. The Challenge part can also be hard because these thoughts sometimes seem logical or make sense from a certain angle, but actually fall apart in the real world. When you first start doing something like this, it can be a near constant process. With enough time and effort, though, your thoughts and thought patterns actually change to something more positive and realistic. I'm not saying there won't still be times when it is necessary, but they will be much fewer and it will be much easier to do. I hope this is helpful to someone.
¡Muchas gracias, Mono! Sigues siendo una inspiración para nosotros los escritores sin experiencia. Tus historias "fluff" me encantan y me alludan a relajarme después de cualquier dia.
Es muy bueno escuchar que estas buscando avenidas para sentirte mejor. Sigue peleando y nosotros seguiremos detrás tuyo. No me importa particularmente lo que tengas que hacer, sólo que mejores.
No se que decir de lo del Feature Box, porque aunque creo que tienes razón, también hay algunas historias ahí que si se lo merecen. Sólo se tiene que reconocer que llegar hasta FB no significa que sea buena historia, y que no se debería medir así para los que escribimos tampoco.
Saludos de un Chileno. :)
4852887 The truth is, as much as you, Mono, Aragon, myself... anyone here wants to please everyone, we can't. But what will never happen is pleasing anyone at all if we let false expectations stop us from enjoying what we do. Saying that, is of course a lot easier than making it real.
The feature box is a cruel mistress, every time I write something I love and it doesn’t get there, I feel like it’s a criminally under appreciated fic, and if one makes it, it’s never there long enough but also it probably doesn’t deserve to be there, but then if it blows up all I can think is why is anyone reading this schlocky nonsense that dribbled out of my idiot brain. It’s always a wild ride lol
Keep fighting the good fight!
Ultimately, the feature box is just a box. Just a place showing where lots of people are clicking/commenting at the same time. The amount of factors to juggle just to even have a chance of getting into it are overwhelming—and ultimately, one's presence or absence in it says absolutely nothing about yourself or your work. It says nothing about how good the story is, nothing about how much work went into it, what the reader will get out of it. All it is is where the clicks are going, and I've seen too many stories reach it almost totally at random to care about it since my first couple years on the site.
You just keep doing you, Mono. Enjoy your success and don't literally put yourself in that box, whether a story gets there or not.
Not every story's gotta be serious. Fluff is nice, too, sometimes!
You are the only reason I like RariTwi. Somehow, you make it work. Most can't. Don't feel bad about doing that--if it works, it works!
Even if everything you do shows up in The Box, don't stress over it. You earned the following that causes that, since most of what you post that I get around to reading is good enough I'm happy to find it. And if sometime it doesn't, well, 99% of what I write is crap; if you're doing better than my ratio, how could I justify complaining?
That would be silly.
And Pinkie's accusations to the contrary, I am neither silly, nor a filly.
Rilly.
4852887
You, on the other hoof...
It gets to typing about its captain, or else it gets the hose while nappin!!
I hear you. That is to say, I empathize, even if I don't completely understand--my own depression is much milder than what you're expressing. I get the feeling that telling you how much I love your stories (especially the RariTwi fluff fics) isn't going to particularly help--maybe it will, in which case I want you to know that I think you're an amazing writer, one of the few who can do romance that I actually like--but regardless, know that I hear you. I support you.
Also, may I ask which intentionally bad story made it to the Feature Box? Now I'm worrying about whether I read it and what I thought of it if I did.
Edit: never mind, I figured it out. For anyone else wondering, it's (THE FLESH IS) WEAK by Paper Thin (secretly Aragón).
I can very much relate to the whole both the patient and the therapist. It's constant work. When in college I majored in Psychology. When asked why 'why a psych major?' I would say because I find it interesting. However, the real answer is that I wanted to find out what was wrong with me.
Turns out not much besides hating myself to the point that it consumed even my most unconscious thoughts.
It takes years of constant digging, and sometimes you don't like what you find so you pretend you don't see it and 'dig somewhere else'. That's why it takes years.
The best way to start digging is to read some psych books. They help give you a brand new perspective in understanding how the mind works, how YOUR mind works. then you use the knowledge at hand to start digging with better tools.
I'm currently reading 12 Rules for Life, but my personal favorite is The Power of Habit.
It took a long time, but I feel a large sense of pride that I was able to resolve my crippling anxiety virtually on my own with no medication.
I say this not to gloat, but to let anyone reading this know that helping yourself is possible. You can do it. It's easier say than done, but you just need to arm yourself with proper knowledge about the human mind and then just sit down and be alone with your thoughts as you watch them.
Oh hey, it's the reason I stopped writing like four years ago (I didn't know at the time that that's what I was doing, mind).
Well articulated.
Yeah, you aren't alone in feeling this way. My drivel always bothers me.
Oh Mono...well. I can't speak for everyone, but I still hope this means something. Whatever you choose to do, I will support you through it. And don't worry about the quality of your fics. I personally love them because...well. Because I can tell you work hard on them, and strive to improve them the best you can. Because you care. Anyways, sorry for bothering you.
Good luck Mono!
Perfectionism is the worst demon ever unleashed from Pandora's box. And the worst part is, I think she's Hope's older sister.
The best I can offer is a hug, and another voice in the crowd of fellow lack-of-confidence fighters.