• Member Since 7th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen September 18th

Rockstar_Raccoon


Meanest little raccoon with the cutest little boots.

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This story is a sequel to An Even Greater Warrior


NOTE: this is a prequel, so you don't need to read the other one first. (but you should read it eventually)

[ Action, Comedy, Romance, Weed, Florida Man... THIS STORY HAS IT ALL! ]

Written for the 2023 annual Operation: Crackfic-Storm event.

My name is, like, not important, man. Like, I was once a mere mortal, but like, none of that matters now. Not since I went to that creepy costume party with my best bud, and we met this spooky salesman, and like, next thing I know, I'm in Equestria as the dude I was dressed as!

That's like, totally crazy, right? I mean, like, who's ever heard of that happening to anyone before?? Zoinks!

Anyway, now I'm like a force of nature, man! Like, one so powerful, that like, even the gods fear my wrath...

...But all I wanna do is eat this submarine sandwich and hang out with my pony friends!

Ya know, I think Patrick Rothfuss said it best: “There are like, three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and like, the anger of a gentle dude.”

Well I'm like, as gentle a dude as they come...


Every week, I get more messages, begging I write more of my amazing Displaced Fic, one which boggled minds and destroyed pants everywhere. I hear you. I know what you want. I'm taking what little free time I have to give you exactly that, to give you the story that you've all been waiting for, the continuation of my incredible, amazing displaced fic, that raised infinite questions

That's right... This story is the long anticipated continuation of my smash hit Displaced Fic...
An Even Greater Warrior

YOU'RE WELCOME, INTERNET.

Chapters (2)
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[ Hard-Sci-Fi Horror based on Friendship is Optimal ]

He was a simple stallion, with a simple life in Equestria. That's all he really wanted out of his early retirement after he was laid off during the economic downturn. But, when unfinished business brings him back to Earth after nearly 20 years, he'll learn what happened to humanity while he was living the life of his dreams...


Written for the Friendship is Optimal Writing Contest. Also, it's a horror story, as promised, for my annual Nightmare Night in April Writeoff.

Special thanks to the Optimalverse Community Discord for help with getting and building the initial idea, and for proofreading the story. Please come by there if you want to talk about and read more stuff like this!

I tried a slightly different interpretation of CelestAI here, as having those emotions that people like to give her, but still being a cold and uncaring paperclipper AI on the inside. It's the one I've been using for my community-based rewrite of the original (based off our RP on the Discord), so I hope people like it. Be on the lookout for more FiO related stuff from me, as I've been getting ready to post a flood of updates qnd new stuff!

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Written for Rytex's "bad fanfic readings" panel at Harmony Con 2020, based on a few people in the Discord Chat. (I dunno why I didn't post it last year, but here it is, right in time for Crackfic Storm 2021)

Special thanks to Nebula, StuffMyCrust, Open Skies, Thom, and GreenAppleTea for your suggestions. Also, special thanks to Big Jim Miller, who was at the con, and does in fact know that he was played by Kevin Bacon.

ENJOY THIS CRAP!!

HASH TAG CRACKFIC STORM 2021!!

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[ Absurdist Humor ]

So, rather than an actual description, here's the story of why I wrote this: after the Cracfic Panel, Xepher had this big write-off, and I was like, "Hey, that'd be funny to submit a crackfic to as a group!" But the others... They didn't want to do it. So I threw this together myself anyway, and it came out BREATHTAKING.

So here it is, the crackfic I wrote for the Iron Writer competition at PonyFest Online 3.

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[ HOOF BITING ACTION! ]

When Twilight Sparkle is unable to defeat Tirek with the powers of 4 princesses combined, she must call upon an even greater warrior...

...Tirek never stood a chance.


In every author's career, they create a story, THE story, to which all of their other works are compared. THIS IS THAT STORY.

Fillies and Gentlecolts, I give you my magnum opus: the greatest story ever written.

WARNING: The awesomeness may blind you.

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[ Insane Random Comedy (and possibly Eldritch horror?) ]

One day Twilight was vomiting. This didn't stop.

This is the only story that asks the question...
What if all the ponies were vomiting and they didn't stop?

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER?!


IT BEGAN WITH A DISCORD CONVERSATION. IT PROGRESSED INTO A BLOG POST. NOW, IT IS A WORK OF ART FOR YOU TO BEHOLD AND REJOICE! THIS IS THE ONLY STORY THAT ASKS THE QUESTION!?!? YOU HAVE TO KNOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!

I'm not sorry.

Chapters (3)
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This story is a sequel to What's Your Problem?


Knowledge of the original isn’t required, but you should go read it anyway, because it’s good. :V
[ Dramatic Character Study of the Exchange Students and their Homelands ]

With the second semester of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s school of Friendship in full swing, a series of field trips is planned to foreign nations.  Specifically, the home countries of the five non-pony exchange students. These will be both a gesture of goodwill on all sides, and a chance for the various cultures to be exposed to each other first hoof, claw, and talon.

Follow Gallus, Ocellus, Yona, Smolder, Silverstream, and Sandbar as they continue to mature while learning about the countries their friends come from.


This is my second long-form story on here, meant to be a deeper exploration of the Student 6 and their homelands. Expect a lot of soft world-building and minor character development, and if you get any ideas for your own fanfictions from all this exploration, good for you! :3

The arcs, in tentative order, will go through...

  • The Hive (Changelings)
  • Mount Aris (Hippogriffs)
  • The Dragon Lands (Dragons)
  • Yakyakistan (Yaks)
  • Griffonstone (Griffons)

There will also be interludes which explore the Young Six and other students, with more detailed character development / analysis than the first one.

Chapters (3)
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[Dramatic Character Study of the Young Six]
[Endcap for The Hearth's Warming Club]

A month after Gallus' attempt to delay the other students from leaving instead of just telling them his problem, Fluttershy decides to hold a special session on sharing your feelings with your friends. What follows is a series of confessions and discussions by the students about the things that bother them.


This is me experimenting with Slice of Life and Drama, which I've always felt was a place I needed practice. This idea went through my head after watching The Hearth's Warming Club, and I finally decided to sit down and write it so y'all would have something for the Hearth's Warming season, AND because there's not enough of the Young Six, who have become some of my favorite characters in the show.

Trigger Warning: May Contain Feels.

As this story hit 100 likes in 3 days, a sequel is now being planned.

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[ Gothic Horror / Ghost-Story Mystery ]

Nopony knows where she came from, or who she was.  No book describes her origin, no story of her was ever passed down, but since the it’s founding, the woods outside the seaside town of Serenity Falls have been haunted.  Nopony even knows the name of the mare who stalks the woods, all she is known as is...

The Mare In White.

“and perhaps someday, we can prove, once and for all, that there is no such thing as ghosts!”

Twilight Sparkle is about to learn that some secrets are better left covered...


Speedfic I wrote based on an idea I'd been rolling around in my, head... Just in time for Nightmare Night! I've already got this one fully written, and read a draft of it at the local fanclub's Nightmare Night party to a lot of praise. (although, granted, I run the local fanclub) I will be posting it as I proofread through it, with the intent of all chapters being up in time for the 31st.

Because people will inevitably ask... NO. This will NOT be a gorey "horror" story, where I brutally murder the ponies, just a ghost story. Remember guys, there are tags for all those things, and you should trust that I'd put them if I intended to focus on that...

Chapters (6)
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[ Feel Good Dark Comedy ]

When Rainbow Dash leaves her, Pinkie Pie decides it's time to off herself! But when her own methods fail, it's up to her friends to help her. And thus, begins an exciting adventure of assisted suicide and the horrible hijinks which ensue!

Raccoon, you are not funny and should feel bad.


This is a crack-fic I wrote back before Season 2 aired. At the time, the Equestria Daily mods refused to even read it, saying it was sick, unfunny, and completely inappropriate. As a result, it's a bit out of date, but you know what? I still think it's hilarious, even years later, so I'm posting it with only minor revision.

Chapters (5)