It was April first, and me and my best buddy were going to a Halloween party. I know that's the wrong time of year, but we’ve got this one friend who always throws a "Halloween in April" party for her birthday. Crazy, right?
Anyway, this was a costume party, and I decided to go as this funny cartoon character, you may have heard of him, named Norville Rogers, AKA, “Shaggy”. People always tell me I talk like him, but like, I don't see it man. It was a pretty simple costume though, seeing as me and him already had similar hair-colors: all I had to do was get my hair done in a messy pixie-cut, and not shave for a couple weeks, and there I was, looking like Shaggy... as long as I put on a green shirt and brown pants that is. (He's real smart, wearing the brown pants, considering how easily scared he is)
Anyway, my buddy and roommate was a big-time furry, with an old fursona that looked kinda like a brown great-dane, so all he had to do was put some spray-on washable hair-color to his old fursuit to make the black spots, do a little arts-and-crafts, and he looked just like Shaggy's talking dog, Scooby Doo, right down to the blue and yellow collar around his neck!
So then he said to me, "Rall right, Raggy, ready ta go?" Did I mention my bud's got one heck of a speech impediment? Don't judge, he's got a fancy college degree!
Anyway, "Sure thing Scoob!" I said, then I gave him a wink, and we walked out the door and headed over there in our groovy camping van we've been putting together so we can get in on that HashTag #VanLife lifestyle one of these days!
Let me tell you, this party was a real HOOT! Lots of dim lights, lots of crazy costumes, kooky music, and most importantly, plenty of snacks!
Well my bud and I headed straight for the food table, and while we packed up two platefuls each of spooky snacks (vegetarian, of course), we got to talking, but then he noticed something real weird...
"Rey Raggy, who's rat ruckin' rierdo?" My furry-friend pointed his paw to this guy dressed in a real out of place costume, like some sorta old-timey salesman from the eighteen-hundreds! He had on a bowler hat, a waistcoat, a silk bowtie, and those little round glasses on his nose.
"Well gee, I dunno Scoob, he's pretty kooky, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't really a costume!" I said to him as I tucked a couple of cucumber sandwiches under my arm for good measure, "He looks like he fits the trope of some sorta immortal being from outside reality or some kooky stuff like that!"
"Reah, rooky rhit!" Scooby agrees as we head over to take a seat near where one of the Scary Movie films is playing on the TV.
Well, we watch the movie for a while, and it's real fun, but we can't shake the feeling that this weird guy is watching us!
Finally, we finish all the food we got, and of course, head over to the snack table for more: it's free after all!
We're just starting to reload our plates when the dude suddenly shows up next to us, like, as if from outta nowhere!
"Zoinks!" I shout, "Like, don't sneak up on me like that, man! I know martial-arts and I could'a totally socked you for that one!"
"Reah, right in ruh ruckin' race!" my bud agrees.
"Oh my, did I... frighten you?" the salesman dude asks with the creepiest grin, "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to! I was simply admiring your costumes! You're certainly wearing the right clothes to be Norville Rogers, and you've certainly got the right look to be his faithful canine companion!"
Well, I wasn't one to turn down a compliment. "Well like thanks, mister! That's awfully nice of you to say!"
My buddy nodded, "Reah, ranks!"
"I suppose, with costumes like that, you must be very big fans of Scooby Doo, wouldn't you say?" the man asked, "Perhaps, inhabiting the characters is, on some level, fulfilling a deeper desire... perhaps?"
I shrugged, "Nah, it was just the easiest thing we could think of that'd get us in the door. Like, I'm just here for the food, man!"
"Reah, rood!" my bud nodded.
Now, this weird dude was kinda confused by that, like he expected us to like, I dunno, be super into some random retro characters from an old cartoon, but he shook his head out, and kept asking his weird questions, "Well, wouldn't you say you'd like to live, perhaps, a different life?"
"Now why would we wanna do that?" I asked, "I mean, we've got a groovy apartment, we're about to get in on that sweet HashTag #VanLife, and most importantly, we've got a pile of free food!" I gestured down to the veritable multi-table feast of candy and snacks the hostess had laid out for everyone.
The old-timey salesman bozo was taken aback again, as if he'd just assumed we weren't living our best life, but get this: the dude persisted! "Well, well, what would you say if someone offered you to go someplace... more interesting?"
"Like, more interesting how?" I asked, "'cause that HashTag #VanLife is mighty interesting according to instagram?"
"Reah, ran rife!" my bud in the dog-suit agreed.
"What if you could go to... another world!" he said, like he was trying to be all mystical or somethin'... and he just let that hang there, like it was a whole thing.
"Like, why would I wanna do that, man?" I asked.
"Reah, rounds ruckin rame!"
The weirdo dude blinked at us for a few moments, then finally said, "Well... I mean... wouldn't you want to visit a world of magic and mystery?"
"Like, dude, have you seen the pictures of Appalachia?" I exclaimed, "There's magic just north of here!"
"Reah, rudder-ruckin ragic!"
"Like, all of life is like a whole miracle, man!"
"Reah! Ruckin riracles!" my buddy nodded
"You tell 'im Scoob!" I agree.
Now this dude, when he hears this, he just stares at us, like we just each grew a second head or something, like he can't imagine anyone being content just living a normal life on Earth.
Finally, he just gives up on whatever sort of mumbo-jumbo he's pushing, and says, "Well, I guess some people are just not interested... Even if you truly believe that though, perhaps I could interest you in something that might complete your costume? For instance... a box of... Scooby Snacks?" he asked, pulling out a box from his jacket, which, I'll be damned, looked just like the box from the TV show!
"Well now we're talking!" I said, then I noticed the rattle, "Wait, does that have like, actual dog biscuits in it?"
He blinked at me, as if that was somehow not a perfectly normal question, "Um, yes? In fact," he got all smug and knowing again, "What if I told you it's full of actual Scooby Snacks...?"
"Uh huh, yeah, lemme see the label on that!" I said.
He grinned as he held it out, and I think he expected me to take it, but I just leaned over and looked at the ingredients... "Gelatin, bone meal, chicken, pork fat, horse-hooves... Dude, these aren't at all vegetarian! I don't want 'em anywhere near me!"
"Reah, ruckin' rrosse!" My bud agreed.
"Wait, really?" he was totally floored, "You're not even going to take it as a prop??"
I shook my head, "No way, no how. Vegetarian means you don't take anything with meat in it: no meat, no leather, no dog treats."
"Reah, ruckin' relarin."
"Anyway, dude, you're really startin' ta bug me. I mean, can't you see I'm just tryna load down a plate here? I mean, like, we're, like, literally just here for the good vibes and the free food!"
"Reah! Ree rood!" my bud agreed, stuffing a whole sandwich into the muzzle of his costume, "Rits ruud rhit!"
"Well I... I..." the man sputtered like some strawman in a Stan Kelly Cartoon, clearly exhausting what little script he had, "But I thought... I mean, I was going to... you were going to take the box, and... then I was going to... and then you'd be... but... but...!"
"Hey, what's going on over here?" we heard a lady's scratchy voice shout. We looked over to see the person who was throwing the party coming over, wearing a witch's costume with a raccoon-fursuit head and paws.
"Like, this weirdo over here is tryna' get us to take some non-vegetarian dog biscuits, and he won't quit askin' us weirdo questions about going to other worlds and all that!"
"Reah, rierro rucker!" my bug nodded.
Now this had that dude sweating like some villain in a cheesy costume, right before the gang pulls his mask off and drives away in the Mystery Machine! "But... But... but..." he stuttered, "I thought... I thought..."
Suddenly, her eyes go wide, (through the holes in the fursuit head I mean) "Wait a minute, I know what you are!"
"Wha-what?" the man sputtered, "What do you mean, wha-what?"
"You're...” she gasped, “An overdone trope!" she declared.
My eyes bulged out of my head, "Like, oh shit, Scoob!"
"Reah, roh rhit!"
"What? Me?? No! No! I'm a totally real person with totally real-"
"You don't even know how to deal with them going off script!" she continued, "Look at you, you’re not even three-dimensional!!" she grabbed him and turned him sideways, revealing that he didn't actually have a side! He was flat!!
"Oh my... you see... I..." he sputtered, his shameful secret revealed.
"I see Nothing!" she shouted, pointing for the door, "Get the fuck outta here!"
"Reah, ret rah ruck outta rere!" my bud yelled after, as the worn-out plot-device ran for the door, spaghetti trailing him as it poured from his pockets!
I go back to loading down my plate, "Well, I'm glad all that's settl-"
"Guys don't eat all the fucking food."
"Raww rhit."
So, the night went on with us hanging out as we finished the last couple plates we'd gotten before the hostess had cut us off. We got tired, wished her a happy birthday, and headed to where our car was parked on the street.
No sooner had we reached the curb than we hear the loud roar of a totally environmentally unsound engine, and look up to see a pair of semi-truck headlights rushing towards us! And who else is behind the wheel, but that salesman dude!
"ANYWAY, COME TO TROTCON!!" he roars.
"Zoinks!" I shout.
"Reah, roinks!" my buddy echoes.
The next thing we know, we both hit the grass...
...and the truck passes right over us.
"FUCK SHIT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THIS THING!" the weird dude screams, driving a few more houses before crashing into a big palm-tree, which he knocks over and slides the truck on top of, leaving all six wheels of the semi-truck off the ground!
"Shit, shit, I don't have a license in this dimension!!" he cursed, quickly jumping out and running into the night.
I just sighed, "Like, this night just keeps gettin' weirder and weirder, eh Scoob?"
"Reah, ruckin' razy!" he agrees.
One police report later, we finally get back to our apartment, where we immediately crash on the couches, too tired to even take off our costumes.
"Like, geez Scoob, did you get the license plate of that truck? ‘Cause like, inquiring minds wanna know!" I quipped, "Oh right, it didn't have one!"
"Rhut the ruck up Raggy." my buddy says, and after that we both passed out...
...and that's when that creepy dude shows up in our apartment!
Rait rait, how ro you row rhat rappened ren re rere rassed out.
Like, I dunno dude, I'm just narrating ok? Anyway, the dude just like, teleports into our apartment, and he gives some sort of speech like, "Oh, I'm some eldritch weirdo here to do some weird fanfic garbage, and I'm gonna send you to Equestria!" and he pulls out two boxes of Scooby Snacks (fortunately, vegetarian this time), and tosses one at each of us, probably saying something like, "Gee whiz, I shoulda done this in the first place, instead of all this junk with the party and the boxes and the truck and the felonies." except he said it all quiet because if I'd heard him I'd've woken up and punched him in the face.
Reah, rin ruh ruckin' race!
Anyway, so that's how it all began, well, except the rest of it, but like, this intro’s runnin reeeal long man, so I'm gonna call it the end, and you can like, click the next chapter button and go to the part where we wake up in Equestria.
Reah! Rext rapter! Roo it, ritch! Rit rat ruckin' rext rapter rutton, ran ron't rorret roo rike rand rubscribe! Scooby Doobie Dooooooo!