You're Welcome, Internet!

by Rockstar_Raccoon

The Bestest Story

Author's Note:

The following story was written in under an hour for Rytex’s “Badfic Readings” panel at HarmonyCon 2020, based on the suggestions of con-attendees over Discord.  These suggestions are as follows...

Nebula wrote, “RD and Spike enter the Wreck it Ralph world”
StuffMyCrust wrote “Shaquille O’Neal goes against Rainbow Dash in a basketball match.”
Open Skies wrote, “Lesbian Rainbow Dash x Orchard Blossom shipping where RD doesn't realize Big Mac is Orchard Blossom and thinks Big Mac is a competitor for Orchard Blossom's affections.”
Thom wrote, “MLP Fan makes their way to DHX studios and finds out the voice actors are just actors playing the actors and the real voice actors really are the ponies themselves playing themselves.”
GreenAppleTea wrote, “Pinkie dances joker style down some stairs”

Special thanks to Rytex for prompting the creation of this and reading it at the end of his panel instead of taking suggestions.  Hope to see you again next year!

You’re Welcome, Internet!

By Vallerie Nightengale

I am Princess Vallerie Bellatrix Nightengale, the greatest writer in the history. This is the story about the time I saw my little pony and eelized “hmmm, this show is broken without Lauren Faust, I should fix that by going there and fixing the show!”

So then I went to DHX studios, where my little pony is made, and the guards were like “Halt!!!! Who goes there!?!?!!?!?!”

and I was like, “it is me, Vallerie Ebony Ravenloft Nightengale the first, the greatest writer in all of historical! I am here to FIX THE SHOW!”

And the guards were mean and said, “we will not let you in to fix the show!”

So then I KILLED THEM, so I could go inside.

then I went inside. Then I went down a hall, and then another hall, and another hall, and then I took a wrong turn and went into a broom closet, so I went out into another hall, then another hall, and then I was where the voice acting happens.

And I was there, and Jim Miller was there, but in this story, he’s played by Kevin Bacon, so picture Keven Bacon, but it’s Jim Miller.

And he said, “HAHA! WITH LAUREN FAUST GONE, NO ONE CAN STOP US FROM RUINING THE SHOOOWW!!”

AND i SAID, “i’LL STOP YOU!!!!!” AND USED MY SUPER POWERS TO LEVITATE KEVIN BACON OUT THE WINDOW!! (I CAN LEVITATE PEOPLE WITH MY IMAGINATION NOW SO DEAL WITH IT!!)

“NNOOOOO!!!!!” the FORMER show director screamed as he flew out into SPACE!

So I saw the Voice Actors, like Kelly Sherry Dan and Devil Lyn Daltons and Brenda Critchloo, but they weren’t real, they didn’t sound anything like the ponies they played!!

And I said, “YOU ARE THE IMPOSTORS!!”

And my voice was so loud that the curtain fell down to reveal that there were PONIES there and that’s how I found out the voice actors are just actors playing the actors and the real voice actors really are the ponies themselves playing themselves.

Pinkie dances joker style down some stairs and said “YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!!”

“Yes!” Rainbow said, “now you know the secred that only YOU, Saint Vallerie Jesusfan Good-Charolotee Nightengale were amazing enough to solve!! You are cool enough to hang with us now!”

And that’s how me and Rainbow Dash became best friends so you’d better not talk bad about me or she’ll KILL YOU!!!

“Escept now we have to go BEYOND!” Rainbow declared “to a place that is 20 ONE percent cooler!!!”

And Flash Sentry was like “Wait, how do we know we can trust her?”

And then I melted him with my eyes and killed him, because I have laser vision in this story. YOU’RE WELCOME BRONIES

Rainbow smiled and she said “That seems like a trustworthy person! You’re coming with us!!”

So then, me Ranbo Spike & Orchard Blossom entered the Wreck it Ralph world but RD doesn't realize Big Mac is Orchard Blossom so there is lesbian Rainbow Dash x Orchard Blossom shipping.

So then RD says “I’m glad Big Mac isn’t here to get between us!” because RD thinks Big Mac is a competitor for Orchard Blossom's affections. (Big Mac is obviously into cousin-incest)

But then, Shakeel Oneel showed up and laid down THE WWF SMACKDOWN!!!!

He said, “I AM SHAQUEAL ONEAL, AND I AM IN LOVE WITH ORCHARD BLOSSOM, AND I WILL FIGHT YOU FOR HER IN A BASKETBALL MATCH!!!”

“OH NO!” Rainbow screamed!!! “HOW WILL I DEFEAT THE SHACK!?!?!”

“DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU RAINBOW DASHIE DASH!!! BELIEVE IN ME THAT BELIEVES IN THE HEART OF YOUR CARDS!!! YOU’RE GOING TO GET AN ACE IN THE HOLE IN ONE!!!” I gave a completely original and amazing pep talk.

“YEAH! i’M GOING TO BEAT HIM!!!111” rainbow screamed as she was CHARGED BY MY AMAZING SPEECH AND IT MADE HER GLOWING!!!!!

“I’M GOING TO BEATY U RANBOD!!! OR MY NAME ISN’T JACK O’NIEL!!” Shakeel was really the guy from Stargate petending!!!!!

But then Rainbob KILLED SHAQUEEL ONEIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!11!!!1!!!!!

IT WAS A HOLE IN ONE CAME WINNING PLAY!! THE BEST TOUCHDOWN YOUD EVER SEENN!!! I’M NOT GONNA DESCRIBE IT HERE, BUT IT WAS EFFING FANTASTIC AND YOU SHOULD’VE BEEN THERE!!! AND WHEN IT WAS OVER, WHEN ALL THE PINS HAD FALLEN, SHAK-JACK o’NIEL (I FORGOT WHO HE IS) SAID “i’m deded now.” and he DIED!!!

“You were a worthy opponent Shack-Jack, but you were NOTHING compared to my FIGHTING SPIRIT!!!! BECAUSE I HAVE VALLERIE LUSTROUS NIGHTENGALE ON MY SIDE!!!!”

And she went to go back to make out with Orchard Blossom, but then she realized that Orchard Blossom was Big Mac being Misses Doubtfire all along!!!!

“IT’D OK!! I CAN JUST CHOOSE TO STOP BEING LESBIAN1!!”

And that was the story of how I turned Rainbow Dashes straight!! Hail satan!!

I know you liked my story dont forget to tell me how much you LOVE me in the comments!

Comments

[Griseus]

I feel much better about mine now after reading this chapter.