So, next thing I know, I’m waking up with the sun in my eyes and my face in a patch of grass, and I’m like, “Well that’s weird, this isn’t my couch.”
I look up and start blinking at the tall trees and wacky plants around me, eventually sitting up, because this is like, real weird man.
“This isn’t my apartment.” I finally say.
So then I look over at my best buddy, who was laying nearby me, just like when we passed out, except he’s not on a couch anymore either, he’s also lying in the grass!
“Hey Scoob old buddy old pal!” I called, “Wake up! I think somethin’ weird happened last night, and this isn’t even a Denny’s parking lot like last time!”
He opened his eyes, blinking, “Rut? Ro Renny’s?” So he sits up on his haunches, looking around all bleary-eyed, a little disappointed that we're not getting unlimited pancakes. “Rut ruh ruck?” he finally asked.
“I know right? Somethin’ real trippy is goin’ on Scoob, and I don’t even remember dropping acid!”
He nods, “Reah, Ri’m rotally rhober!” He reaches up to take the head off his costume, pulling at the head like it’s gonna come off, but then he feels somethin’ that makes him stop... he starts pressin’ his paws all over his own face, completely shocked as he realizes that it IS his own face, and like, not the costume anymore. “ROLY RHIT!!”
He looks down with his eyes literally bulging out of his head as he realizes that he’s not a human in a fursuit anymore: he’s been turned into an actual dog!
And it’s like, the trippiest shit ever, watching someone realize they’ve been turned into an actual dog!
“ROLY RHIT! RY ROSTUME RURNED REEL!!!” he yelps, running his forepaws all over his body, like he was trying to dispel the illusion or something.
“Holy shit is right, Scoob.” I say to him, “I mean I knew you were into that feral stuff, but weren’t you supposed to be a doberman?” I stand up and look down, and immediately notice something’s off, “Huh... I don’t remember being this tall... who messed with my height?”
“RUCK RUR REIGHT, RY RON’T RAVE RANDS!!”
I glance down at my own hands, “Like, speaking of hands dude, what happened to mine? And how’d I get so skinny?” I pull up my shirt, glancing down beneath it, and wouldn’t ya know, it’s like I’ve got an entirely different body under there, “Dude, it’s like they stretched me out! Totally trippy!”
“Rit’s rot a retish!” he says, then glances around all shifty-eyed like, “...Runress...” his eyes widen though: that’s when we realize just how freaky the plants are in this place, and I mean like, real freaky, way past the freaky we’re used to!
I look around too, and I’m seeing exactly what he’s seeing. “Like, I don't think we're in Florida anymore scoob!”
Scoob nods next to me, "Roh rhit rerock!"
I shrug, “Well Scoob, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this!”
He plops himself down on his haunches, puts his forepaws on his hips, and asks all snarkily, “Roh reary? Ruddo re roo? Rall ruh rops? Rout rur relp?? Ranic???
“No Scoob, come on, are you even trying?” I say, pulling out some paper and a bag of expertly dried leaves.
He stops right where he’s standing, blinking at me, "Roh, righ', rhy ridn' Rye rhink of rhat..."
With our minds calmed down by the daily dose of all-natural medicinal herbal-supplement, we're in just the right mindset to wander through these spooky unfamiliar woods, and boy do we see some freaky stuff!
There's like, giant venus flytraps with spiked tongues that lash out, vines that slither around and try to grab our ankles, oak trees, and a whole mess of weird looking critters we see off in the underbrush. Oh, and at some point we pass an alligator that looks like it's got rocks growing out of its back, but ya know, I've seen bigger.
Oh, and those two boxes of Scooby Snacks the guy left us with? Not bad, actually! They really hit the spot for a pre-breakfast snack!
Reah, rand rhey rured ruh runchies!
Anyway, we're walking through this area when suddenly, Scooby starts sniffing the air like he's found something on the breeze.
"What is it buddy? You found civilization?" I ask.
He just shakes his head, "Rope, reven retter!" he licks his lips, "Rood!"
"Well lead the way buddy!" I say all grinnin' at him, "I could totally use another snack before breakfast!!"
We hurry through the undergrowth, knocking all the weirdo plants out of the way as we go to what he's smelling...
Apples.
We've run straight into this massive grove of apple trees!
"Wow, it's like someone planted all these here!" I say, gawping at all the delicious looking fruit!
"Reah, rit'd re a shame if re ridn' rav a rig ol' rite!" he nods.
"Like, don't mind if I do!" I say, walking up to a tree, and jumping to grab the nearest branch...
...and leaping so high, I landed right on it.
At that point, I kinda stood there blinking. I wasn't really expecting to roll a nat-20 on jumping up here.
Then I notice I'm surrounded by apples, and I realize it's really not important at all. What was important is that I reach out and grab one: that's the power of goal-oriented thinking!
Pretty soon, I've got an armfull of apples, and me and Scoob are walking though this big old orchard, having ourselves a snack.
But then, we hear this sudden screaming, and I mean like the scariest little-girl screaming I'd ever heard in my entire life, coming from across the orchard.
We don't even hesitate.
Priorities in hand, I toss a couple apples to Scoob, who chomps them right out of the air as he breaks into a run, while I hold up my arm and roll them into my mouth, chewing as fast as I can as I run to where the whole ruckus is going down.
There, in a clearing not too far ahead, we see the freakiest case of bad gardening I've ever seen, and I should know: everything grows like crazy where I'm from!
Like, there are these three wolves, and that wouldn't normally be a big deal, if they weren't also made entirely out of sticks, logs, vines, and moss, and that wouldn't be a big deal either if they weren't actively moving my some unseen force and circling a tree with a clubhouse where we could hear little girls shrieking from, and that wouldn't be a big deal if they weren't each twelve feet tall!
And in that moment, I was absolutely terrified...
...'cause lemme tell you buddy, my ass-kicking shoes aren't cheap.
Reah, rhey’re ruckin' rexpenshive!
Immediately, we ran at them, leaping into the air.
"EAT FOOT!" I yelled, a pointed and timely reference to the greatest movie ever, Delgo.
"Reah! Reat Root!"
The weirdo wolves are caught completely off guard by our sudden attack, and before they can react, our feet collide with one of them... right in the face!
Reah! Right in ruh race!
We go right through, its twiggy body shattering around us, and my friend and I are rolling in the dirt, back to our feet between them and the treehouse.
"Like, take that, you overdone trope!!" I tell the big ugly pile of sticks, "Ya see Scoob? I told ya those Taekwondo classes would come in handy!"
"Reah, Rye Ron Roh!" my buddy agrees.
In front of us, the remains of the monster we just broke are shaking in place, levitating into the air. The other two don't back down, instead, they step forward, into the freaky stick-field, and pull apart on their own. I mean this shit is like bush-craft Voltron, I tell ya! Totally freaky!
'Cause these big ol' stick piles get together into one big ol' stick pile, and this thing is huge! I mean like house-size huge! And it quickly makes itself four legs, a body, and a head that's big enough to swallow me whole!
It was the biggest monster I'd ever seen, and I lived in Orlando for three months!
Faced with the massive, snarling creature, staring down at me, stepping forward and ready to pounce, my love of life took over...
...and I gave it a choice.
“This can go two ways, punk...” I growled, narrowing my eyes, silently daring them to try something, “One, you walk away... two? I walk on your face.”
The massive monster just stares at me: perhaps it understands that now is its chance to get away, before anything else can happen to it...
...Instead, it decides to pounce at me, head on, which was real unfortunate for me.
“Your choice.” I said, resigning myself to having to buy new shoes.
So I jump straight at it, my heel landing square on that big stupid head, a loud crack echoing through the orchard as the massive monster staggers back. I don't let up, immediately following by kicking it hard in the side, sending it flying into another nearby apple-tree, red fruit pouring out on top of it.
I land in the grass next to it, ready for more, but really wanting it to leave so I could eat more of those apples. "You done, punk? Or do I have to get serious...?"
It staggers to its feet, shaking itself off as it looks at me for a moment, then, it turns tail and runs back towards the forest.
I shake my fist and yell, "Yeah, like, that's right! And don't you come back, ya hear?"
"Reah! Ret the ruck out!" Scooby calls from next to me.
I take a deep breath, then exhale... I'm honestly glad it left when it did. I don't like hurting creatures if I can help it, even if they're big creepy stick monsters attacking little girls...
...Speaking of little girls...
I go ahead and grab some apples, because we haven't eaten a real breakfast yet after all, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day, then I start heading back over to that tree.
As we get close, a little girl with a bow in her hair pokes her head out, only she's not a human little girl, she's some sort of horse-thing little girl. And like, that's totally weird, right? But that's, like, fine by me: I don't judge.
"Woah," she blinks at us, "Did you get rid of those timberwolves all by yerself mister?"
"No." I say, not knowing what a timberwolf was at the time, "But me and Scoob here kicked a really big dog."
"Reah, right in ra race!" Scooby agrees.
"Wowee!" the little yellow filly says, "You two are like some sorta summoned heroes, showin' up outta nowhere, right when we needed ya!"
Another filly, this one white, poked her head out of another window, “It's almost as if an occult hand had reached down from above and moved the players like pawns upon some giant chessboard." she says thoughtfully, then shrugs, "Or, ya know, just a coincidence."
"Well I think those moves were totally awesome!" the door slammed open, and an orange filly, this one with tiny little wings like a domesticated cockerel, leaped out. "You've GOT to meet Rainbow Dash! What's your name anyway?"
"Oh me? It's just Norville, but you can call me Shaggy."
The three of them nodded, then looked at my buddy, "And what's your name, mister talking dog?"
He gives me this look, like this is gonna be good, then he takes a deep breath, getting ready to go long with this one.
"Scooby Doo." he states.