My name is, like, not important, man. Like, I was once a mere mortal, but like, none of that matters now. Not since I went to that creepy costume party with my best bud, and we met this spooky salesman, and like, next thing I know, I'm in Equestria as the dude I was dressed as!
That's like, totally crazy, right? I mean, like, who's ever heard of that happening to anyone before?? Zoinks!
Anyway, now I'm like a force of nature, man! Like, one so powerful, that like, even the gods fear my wrath...
...But all I wanna do is eat this submarine sandwich and hang out with my pony friends!
Ya know, I think Patrick Rothfuss said it best: “There are like, three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and like, the anger of a gentle dude.”
Well I'm like, as gentle a dude as they come...
Every week, I get more messages, begging I write more of my amazing Displaced Fic, one which boggled minds and destroyed pants everywhere. I hear you. I know what you want. I'm taking what little free time I have to give you exactly that, to give you the story that you've all been waiting for, the continuation of my incredible, amazing displaced fic, that raised infinite questions
That's right... This story is the long anticipated continuation of my smash hit Displaced Fic... An Even Greater Warrior
It was April first, and me and my best buddy were going to a Halloween party. I know that's the wrong time of year, but we’ve got this one friend who always throws a "Halloween in April" party for her birthday. Crazy, right?
Anyway, this was a costume party, and I decided to go as this funny cartoon character, you may have heard of him, named Norville Rogers, AKA, “Shaggy”. People always tell me I talk like him, but like, I don't see it man. It was a pretty simple costume though, seeing as me and him already had similar hair-colors: all I had to do was get my hair done in a messy pixie-cut, and not shave for a couple weeks, and there I was, looking like Shaggy... as long as I put on a green shirt and brown pants that is. (He's real smart, wearing the brown pants, considering how easily scared he is)
Anyway, my buddy and roommate was a big-time furry, with an old fursona that looked kinda like a brown great-dane, so all he had to do was put some spray-on washable hair-color to his old fursuit to make the black spots, do a little arts-and-crafts, and he looked just like Shaggy's talking dog, Scooby Doo, right down to the blue and yellow collar around his neck!
So then he said to me, "Rall right, Raggy, ready ta go?" Did I mention my bud's got one heck of a speech impediment? Don't judge, he's got a fancy college degree!
Anyway, "Sure thing Scoob!" I said, then I gave him a wink, and we walked out the door and headed over there in our groovy camping van we've been putting together so we can get in on that HashTag #VanLife lifestyle one of these days!
Let me tell you, this party was a real HOOT! Lots of dim lights, lots of crazy costumes, kooky music, and most importantly, plenty of snacks!
Well my bud and I headed straight for the food table, and while we packed up two platefuls each of spooky snacks (vegetarian, of course), we got to talking, but then he noticed something real weird...
"Rey Raggy, who's rat ruckin' rierdo?" My furry-friend pointed his paw to this guy dressed in a real out of place costume, like some sorta old-timey salesman from the eighteen-hundreds! He had on a bowler hat, a waistcoat, a silk bowtie, and those little round glasses on his nose.
"Well gee, I dunno Scoob, he's pretty kooky, I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't really a costume!" I said to him as I tucked a couple of cucumber sandwiches under my arm for good measure, "He looks like he fits the trope of some sorta immortal being from outside reality or some kooky stuff like that!"
"Reah, rooky rhit!" Scooby agrees as we head over to take a seat near where one of the Scary Movie films is playing on the TV.
Well, we watch the movie for a while, and it's real fun, but we can't shake the feeling that this weird guy is watching us!
Finally, we finish all the food we got, and of course, head over to the snack table for more: it's free after all!
We're just starting to reload our plates when the dude suddenly shows up next to us, like, as if from outta nowhere!
"Zoinks!" I shout, "Like, don't sneak up on me like that, man! I know martial-arts and I could'a totally socked you for that one!"
"Reah, right in ruh ruckin' race!" my bud agrees.
"Oh my, did I... frighten you?" the salesman dude asks with the creepiest grin, "I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to! I was simply admiring your costumes! You're certainly wearing the right clothes to be Norville Rogers, and you've certainly got the right look to be his faithful canine companion!"
Well, I wasn't one to turn down a compliment. "Well like thanks, mister! That's awfully nice of you to say!"
My buddy nodded, "Reah, ranks!"
"I suppose, with costumes like that, you must be very big fans of Scooby Doo, wouldn't you say?" the man asked, "Perhaps, inhabiting the characters is, on some level, fulfilling a deeper desire... perhaps?"
I shrugged, "Nah, it was just the easiest thing we could think of that'd get us in the door. Like, I'm just here for the food, man!"
"Reah, rood!" my bud nodded.
Now, this weird dude was kinda confused by that, like he expected us to like, I dunno, be super into some random retro characters from an old cartoon, but he shook his head out, and kept asking his weird questions, "Well, wouldn't you say you'd like to live, perhaps, a different life?"
"Now why would we wanna do that?" I asked, "I mean, we've got a groovy apartment, we're about to get in on that sweet HashTag #VanLife, and most importantly, we've got a pile of free food!" I gestured down to the veritable multi-table feast of candy and snacks the hostess had laid out for everyone.
The old-timey salesman bozo was taken aback again, as if he'd just assumed we weren't living our best life, but get this: the dude persisted! "Well, well, what would you say if someone offered you to go someplace... more interesting?"
"Like, more interesting how?" I asked, "'cause that HashTag #VanLife is mighty interesting according to instagram?"
"Reah, ran rife!" my bud in the dog-suit agreed.
"What if you could go to... another world!" he said, like he was trying to be all mystical or somethin'... and he just let that hang there, like it was a whole thing.
"Like, why would I wanna do that, man?" I asked.
"Reah, rounds ruckin rame!"
The weirdo dude blinked at us for a few moments, then finally said, "Well... I mean... wouldn't you want to visit a world of magic and mystery?"
"Like, dude, have you seen the pictures of Appalachia?" I exclaimed, "There's magic just north of here!"
"Reah, rudder-ruckin ragic!"
"Like, all of life is like a whole miracle, man!"
"Reah! Ruckin riracles!" my buddy nodded
"You tell 'im Scoob!" I agree.
Now this dude, when he hears this, he just stares at us, like we just each grew a second head or something, like he can't imagine anyone being content just living a normal life on Earth.
Finally, he just gives up on whatever sort of mumbo-jumbo he's pushing, and says, "Well, I guess some people are just not interested... Even if you truly believe that though, perhaps I could interest you in something that might complete your costume? For instance... a box of... Scooby Snacks?" he asked, pulling out a box from his jacket, which, I'll be damned, looked just like the box from the TV show!
"Well now we're talking!" I said, then I noticed the rattle, "Wait, does that have like, actual dog biscuits in it?"
He blinked at me, as if that was somehow not a perfectly normal question, "Um, yes? In fact," he got all smug and knowing again, "What if I told you it's full of actual Scooby Snacks...?"
"Uh huh, yeah, lemme see the label on that!" I said.
He grinned as he held it out, and I think he expected me to take it, but I just leaned over and looked at the ingredients... "Gelatin, bone meal, chicken, pork fat, horse-hooves... Dude, these aren't at all vegetarian! I don't want 'em anywhere near me!"
"Reah, ruckin' rrosse!" My bud agreed.
"Wait, really?" he was totally floored, "You're not even going to take it as a prop??"
I shook my head, "No way, no how. Vegetarian means you don't take anything with meat in it: no meat, no leather, no dog treats."
"Reah, ruckin' relarin."
"Anyway, dude, you're really startin' ta bug me. I mean, can't you see I'm just tryna load down a plate here? I mean, like, we're, like, literally just here for the good vibes and the free food!"
"Reah! Ree rood!" my bud agreed, stuffing a whole sandwich into the muzzle of his costume, "Rits ruud rhit!"
"Well I... I..." the man sputtered like some strawman in a Stan Kelly Cartoon, clearly exhausting what little script he had, "But I thought... I mean, I was going to... you were going to take the box, and... then I was going to... and then you'd be... but... but...!"
"Hey, what's going on over here?" we heard a lady's scratchy voice shout. We looked over to see the person who was throwing the party coming over, wearing a witch's costume with a raccoon-fursuit head and paws.
"Like, this weirdo over here is tryna' get us to take some non-vegetarian dog biscuits, and he won't quit askin' us weirdo questions about going to other worlds and all that!"
"Reah, rierro rucker!" my bug nodded.
Now this had that dude sweating like some villain in a cheesy costume, right before the gang pulls his mask off and drives away in the Mystery Machine! "But... But... but..." he stuttered, "I thought... I thought..."
Suddenly, her eyes go wide, (through the holes in the fursuit head I mean) "Wait a minute, I know what you are!"
"Wha-what?" the man sputtered, "What do you mean, wha-what?"
"You're...” she gasped, “An overdone trope!" she declared.
My eyes bulged out of my head, "Like, oh shit, Scoob!"
"Reah, roh rhit!"
"What? Me?? No! No! I'm a totally real person with totally real-"
"You don't even know how to deal with them going off script!" she continued, "Look at you, you’re not even three-dimensional!!" she grabbed him and turned him sideways, revealing that he didn't actually have a side! He was flat!!
"Oh my... you see... I..." he sputtered, his shameful secret revealed.
"I see Nothing!" she shouted, pointing for the door, "Get the fuck outta here!"
"Reah, ret rah ruck outta rere!" my bud yelled after, as the worn-out plot-device ran for the door, spaghetti trailing him as it poured from his pockets!
I go back to loading down my plate, "Well, I'm glad all that's settl-"
"Guys don't eat all the fucking food."
"Raww rhit."
So, the night went on with us hanging out as we finished the last couple plates we'd gotten before the hostess had cut us off. We got tired, wished her a happy birthday, and headed to where our car was parked on the street.
No sooner had we reached the curb than we hear the loud roar of a totally environmentally unsound engine, and look up to see a pair of semi-truck headlights rushing towards us! And who else is behind the wheel, but that salesman dude!
"ANYWAY, COME TO TROTCON!!" he roars.
"Zoinks!" I shout.
"Reah, roinks!" my buddy echoes.
The next thing we know, we both hit the grass...
...and the truck passes right over us.
"FUCK SHIT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THIS THING!" the weird dude screams, driving a few more houses before crashing into a big palm-tree, which he knocks over and slides the truck on top of, leaving all six wheels of the semi-truck off the ground!
"Shit, shit, I don't have a license in this dimension!!" he cursed, quickly jumping out and running into the night.
I just sighed, "Like, this night just keeps gettin' weirder and weirder, eh Scoob?"
"Reah, ruckin' razy!" he agrees.
One police report later, we finally get back to our apartment, where we immediately crash on the couches, too tired to even take off our costumes.
"Like, geez Scoob, did you get the license plate of that truck? ‘Cause like, inquiring minds wanna know!" I quipped, "Oh right, it didn't have one!"
"Rhut the ruck up Raggy." my buddy says, and after that we both passed out...
...and that's when that creepy dude shows up in our apartment!
Rait rait, how ro you row rhat rappened ren re rere rassed out.
Like, I dunno dude, I'm just narrating ok? Anyway, the dude just like, teleports into our apartment, and he gives some sort of speech like, "Oh, I'm some eldritch weirdo here to do some weird fanfic garbage, and I'm gonna send you to Equestria!" and he pulls out two boxes of Scooby Snacks (fortunately, vegetarian this time), and tosses one at each of us, probably saying something like, "Gee whiz, I shoulda done this in the first place, instead of all this junk with the party and the boxes and the truck and the felonies." except he said it all quiet because if I'd heard him I'd've woken up and punched him in the face.
Reah, rin ruh ruckin' race!
Anyway, so that's how it all began, well, except the rest of it, but like, this intro’s runnin reeeal long man, so I'm gonna call it the end, and you can like, click the next chapter button and go to the part where we wake up in Equestria.
Reah! Rext rapter! Roo it, ritch! Rit rat ruckin' rext rapter rutton, ran ron't rorret roo rike rand rubscribe! Scooby Doobie Dooooooo!
Chapter 1: Like, we sure aren't in Florida anymore, Scoob!
So, next thing I know, I’m waking up with the sun in my eyes and my face in a patch of grass, and I’m like, “Well that’s weird, this isn’t my couch.”
I look up and start blinking at the tall trees and wacky plants around me, eventually sitting up, because this is like, real weird man.
“This isn’t my apartment.” I finally say.
So then I look over at my best buddy, who was laying nearby me, just like when we passed out, except he’s not on a couch anymore either, he’s also lying in the grass!
“Hey Scoob old buddy old pal!” I called, “Wake up! I think somethin’ weird happened last night, and this isn’t even a Denny’s parking lot like last time!”
He opened his eyes, blinking, “Rut? Ro Renny’s?” So he sits up on his haunches, looking around all bleary-eyed, a little disappointed that we're not getting unlimited pancakes. “Rut ruh ruck?” he finally asked.
“I know right? Somethin’ real trippy is goin’ on Scoob, and I don’t even remember dropping acid!”
He nods, “Reah, Ri’m rotally rhober!” He reaches up to take the head off his costume, pulling at the head like it’s gonna come off, but then he feels somethin’ that makes him stop... he starts pressin’ his paws all over his own face, completely shocked as he realizes that it IS his own face, and like, not the costume anymore. “ROLY RHIT!!”
He looks down with his eyes literally bulging out of his head as he realizes that he’s not a human in a fursuit anymore: he’s been turned into an actual dog!
And it’s like, the trippiest shit ever, watching someone realize they’ve been turned into an actual dog!
“ROLY RHIT! RY ROSTUME RURNED REEL!!!” he yelps, running his forepaws all over his body, like he was trying to dispel the illusion or something.
“Holy shit is right, Scoob.” I say to him, “I mean I knew you were into that feral stuff, but weren’t you supposed to be a doberman?” I stand up and look down, and immediately notice something’s off, “Huh... I don’t remember being this tall... who messed with my height?”
“RUCK RUR REIGHT, RY RON’T RAVE RANDS!!”
I glance down at my own hands, “Like, speaking of hands dude, what happened to mine? And how’d I get so skinny?” I pull up my shirt, glancing down beneath it, and wouldn’t ya know, it’s like I’ve got an entirely different body under there, “Dude, it’s like they stretched me out! Totally trippy!”
“Rit’s rot a retish!” he says, then glances around all shifty-eyed like, “...Runress...” his eyes widen though: that’s when we realize just how freaky the plants are in this place, and I mean like, real freaky, way past the freaky we’re used to!
I look around too, and I’m seeing exactly what he’s seeing. “Like, I don't think we're in Florida anymore scoob!”
Scoob nods next to me, "Roh rhit rerock!"
I shrug, “Well Scoob, there’s only one thing to do in a situation like this!”
He plops himself down on his haunches, puts his forepaws on his hips, and asks all snarkily, “Roh reary? Ruddo re roo? Rall ruh rops? Rout rur relp?? Ranic???
“No Scoob, come on, are you even trying?” I say, pulling out some paper and a bag of expertly dried leaves.
He stops right where he’s standing, blinking at me, "Roh, righ', rhy ridn' Rye rhink of rhat..."
With our minds calmed down by the daily dose of all-natural medicinal herbal-supplement, we're in just the right mindset to wander through these spooky unfamiliar woods, and boy do we see some freaky stuff!
There's like, giant venus flytraps with spiked tongues that lash out, vines that slither around and try to grab our ankles, oak trees, and a whole mess of weird looking critters we see off in the underbrush. Oh, and at some point we pass an alligator that looks like it's got rocks growing out of its back, but ya know, I've seen bigger.
Oh, and those two boxes of Scooby Snacks the guy left us with? Not bad, actually! They really hit the spot for a pre-breakfast snack!
Reah, rand rhey rured ruh runchies!
Anyway, we're walking through this area when suddenly, Scooby starts sniffing the air like he's found something on the breeze.
"What is it buddy? You found civilization?" I ask.
He just shakes his head, "Rope, reven retter!" he licks his lips, "Rood!"
"Well lead the way buddy!" I say all grinnin' at him, "I could totally use another snack before breakfast!!"
We hurry through the undergrowth, knocking all the weirdo plants out of the way as we go to what he's smelling...
Apples.
We've run straight into this massive grove of apple trees!
"Wow, it's like someone planted all these here!" I say, gawping at all the delicious looking fruit!
"Reah, rit'd re a shame if re ridn' rav a rig ol' rite!" he nods.
"Like, don't mind if I do!" I say, walking up to a tree, and jumping to grab the nearest branch...
...and leaping so high, I landed right on it.
At that point, I kinda stood there blinking. I wasn't really expecting to roll a nat-20 on jumping up here.
Then I notice I'm surrounded by apples, and I realize it's really not important at all. What was important is that I reach out and grab one: that's the power of goal-oriented thinking!
Pretty soon, I've got an armfull of apples, and me and Scoob are walking though this big old orchard, having ourselves a snack.
But then, we hear this sudden screaming, and I mean like the scariest little-girl screaming I'd ever heard in my entire life, coming from across the orchard.
We don't even hesitate.
Priorities in hand, I toss a couple apples to Scoob, who chomps them right out of the air as he breaks into a run, while I hold up my arm and roll them into my mouth, chewing as fast as I can as I run to where the whole ruckus is going down.
There, in a clearing not too far ahead, we see the freakiest case of bad gardening I've ever seen, and I should know: everything grows like crazy where I'm from!
Like, there are these three wolves, and that wouldn't normally be a big deal, if they weren't also made entirely out of sticks, logs, vines, and moss, and that wouldn't be a big deal either if they weren't actively moving my some unseen force and circling a tree with a clubhouse where we could hear little girls shrieking from, and that wouldn't be a big deal if they weren't each twelve feet tall!
And in that moment, I was absolutely terrified...
...'cause lemme tell you buddy, my ass-kicking shoes aren't cheap.
Reah, rhey’re ruckin' rexpenshive!
Immediately, we ran at them, leaping into the air.
"EAT FOOT!" I yelled, a pointed and timely reference to the greatest movie ever, Delgo.
"Reah! Reat Root!"
The weirdo wolves are caught completely off guard by our sudden attack, and before they can react, our feet collide with one of them... right in the face!
Reah! Right in ruh race!
We go right through, its twiggy body shattering around us, and my friend and I are rolling in the dirt, back to our feet between them and the treehouse.
"Like, take that, you overdone trope!!" I tell the big ugly pile of sticks, "Ya see Scoob? I told ya those Taekwondo classes would come in handy!"
"Reah, Rye Ron Roh!" my buddy agrees.
In front of us, the remains of the monster we just broke are shaking in place, levitating into the air. The other two don't back down, instead, they step forward, into the freaky stick-field, and pull apart on their own. I mean this shit is like bush-craft Voltron, I tell ya! Totally freaky!
'Cause these big ol' stick piles get together into one big ol' stick pile, and this thing is huge! I mean like house-size huge! And it quickly makes itself four legs, a body, and a head that's big enough to swallow me whole!
It was the biggest monster I'd ever seen, and I lived in Orlando for three months!
Faced with the massive, snarling creature, staring down at me, stepping forward and ready to pounce, my love of life took over...
...and I gave it a choice.
“This can go two ways, punk...” I growled, narrowing my eyes, silently daring them to try something, “One, you walk away... two? I walk on your face.”
The massive monster just stares at me: perhaps it understands that now is its chance to get away, before anything else can happen to it...
...Instead, it decides to pounce at me, head on, which was real unfortunate for me.
“Your choice.” I said, resigning myself to having to buy new shoes.
So I jump straight at it, my heel landing square on that big stupid head, a loud crack echoing through the orchard as the massive monster staggers back. I don't let up, immediately following by kicking it hard in the side, sending it flying into another nearby apple-tree, red fruit pouring out on top of it.
I land in the grass next to it, ready for more, but really wanting it to leave so I could eat more of those apples. "You done, punk? Or do I have to get serious...?"
It staggers to its feet, shaking itself off as it looks at me for a moment, then, it turns tail and runs back towards the forest.
I shake my fist and yell, "Yeah, like, that's right! And don't you come back, ya hear?"
"Reah! Ret the ruck out!" Scooby calls from next to me.
I take a deep breath, then exhale... I'm honestly glad it left when it did. I don't like hurting creatures if I can help it, even if they're big creepy stick monsters attacking little girls...
...Speaking of little girls...
I go ahead and grab some apples, because we haven't eaten a real breakfast yet after all, and breakfast is the most important meal of the day, then I start heading back over to that tree.
As we get close, a little girl with a bow in her hair pokes her head out, only she's not a human little girl, she's some sort of horse-thing little girl. And like, that's totally weird, right? But that's, like, fine by me: I don't judge.
"Woah," she blinks at us, "Did you get rid of those timberwolves all by yerself mister?"
"No." I say, not knowing what a timberwolf was at the time, "But me and Scoob here kicked a really big dog."
"Reah, right in ra race!" Scooby agrees.
"Wowee!" the little yellow filly says, "You two are like some sorta summoned heroes, showin' up outta nowhere, right when we needed ya!"
Another filly, this one white, poked her head out of another window, “It's almost as if an occult hand had reached down from above and moved the players like pawns upon some giant chessboard." she says thoughtfully, then shrugs, "Or, ya know, just a coincidence."
"Well I think those moves were totally awesome!" the door slammed open, and an orange filly, this one with tiny little wings like a domesticated cockerel, leaped out. "You've GOT to meet Rainbow Dash! What's your name anyway?"
"Oh me? It's just Norville, but you can call me Shaggy."
The three of them nodded, then looked at my buddy, "And what's your name, mister talking dog?"
He gives me this look, like this is gonna be good, then he takes a deep breath, getting ready to go long with this one.
[So apparently those three little talking horse girls were like, the little sisters of these adult horse ladies, and those horse ladies were friends with some sorta magical horse lady, and she was the apprentice-pony of some sorta magical horse princess, and she lived just up the road in the local town library, and had just been getting ready to order takeout from the local burger joint, so the next thing we knew, we were eating lunch in her magical tree library...
“Soo... I noticed the two of you have quite the appetites.” the purple one, Twilight Sparkle, was giving us this funny looking smirk.
I stopped between bites of the hayburger and “What can I say? Fighting monsters works up an appetite, and I never turn down a free meal!”
“Ruck reah, ree real!” Scooby said as he put another one of those delicious sandwiches in his mouth, chomping it down and swallowing, “Reee-ricious!”
Twilight giggled, picking up one for herself, taking a hearty bite which left her face covered in sauce.
“You seem pretty into these things yourself, Miss Sparkle.” I said.
She blushed. Don’t ask me how that worked, seeing as she was covered in that groovy purple fur, but she blushed, “Oh, well, you know, I work up quite an appetite myself... studying.”
“Hey, I’m not complaining, just glad to see a fellow conn-o-seur pack it away as well as we do!”
She giggled again, “Well, as long as you’re not repulsed by it, and please, you can call me Twilight.”
“Well Twilight, it’s hard to be repulsed by food as good as this: they don’t make it like this where we’re from, at least not vegetarian options."
“Oh, do your people live with a lot of carnivores?”
I rolled my eyes, “You don’t know the half of it. You can’t go anywhere without people trying to put bacon on your salad, salami on your sandwich, or chicken in your pita-wrap. Like, buddy, for the last time, I told you, I’ll take the felafel, hold the souvlaki!”
She cringed, “I know what you mean. I’ve traveled through a few carnivore-run areas before during my studies. I can barely handle the smell.”
“Well, I can’t say I blame ya. I bet if we had food like this where I’m from, it’d put all the meat-shops out of business!” I put another one in my mouth, savoring that tasty flavor.
Let me tell you, these hayburgers beat anything we have back on earth. The hoof baked buns are the perfect mix of soft and crumbly, the hay-burger patty is more tender and juicy than pan-fried grass has any right to be, the veggies are so flavorful, definitely organic and fresh from the field, and man to these ponies know how to pack them on! There’s gotta be a whole half-inch of tomatoes in there, the kind that splash in your mouth, three different types of lettuce, none of them iceberg, and lemme tell you, they don’t skimp on the onions...
It’s like they put a regular side-salad on every one of these things, and every bite is your five-a-day!
(( Author’s Note: this is probably how Twilight manages to eat as much as she does and keep her figure. You now have a new headcanon. You’re welcome. ))
“So...” Twilight started talking with her mouth full, then swallowed another big bite, “You two seem close, though I notice Scooby here has a dog collar on, even though he’s talking... he’s not like, your pet, is he?”
“Nah, he’s not my pet, he’s my buddy. That’s his own collar he’s wearing.”
“Reah, ruddies!”
"So... The collar's like... A fetish thing?"
"Rits rot a retish ring!" Scoob gave this sideways glance, “...runress...?"
