After a tragic accident in her former home in Vault 90, Night Ash is forced into an unforgiving wasteland and after the death of her sister, she is left mentally wounded and in peril. Her quests to complete her fathers wish bring her to many different places and to many different people. Her choices will decide the fate of an unforgiving Equestrian Wasteland, and even after the events two-hundred years ago, many groups of ponies still exist, and with different intentions of changing the wasteland, and even after the Great War are still battling out their differences. Because war, war never changes.
Chapters (1)
'here' instead of 'hear'
'secession' instead of 'succession'
'effect' instead of 'affect'
You said you had an editor/team of editors, but these are pretty obvious mistakes. I kinda feel like your editor needs an editor.
Story felt kind of rushed, but I usually always feel that way about introductions and first chapters so no worries.
Overall I'm interested. I'll keep watch to see where this ends up.
One thing though:
"I hope to make a story that is a well known favorite, or at least as popular as the first one."
You might want to tone down your expectations.
2492186 one can dream, cant he? I'll see what I ca do about all the typos.
Im-fucking-plying.
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...better to aim high than low I guess.
An editor could help you meet that goal though.
But let's give this a read; see what you got. I've been sick for the past two days and can't rewrite my own fic so I probably won't be that nice, so bear with me.
Big thins start small, but give it a little before you expect miracles to happen.
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Sorry.. the editor was me.. i tried to do this too quickly.. I really apologise.. I just wanted to get it done as quickly as possible..
You know, there's two mistakes right in the first sentence of your description. First, what the hell is a Vault? Ponies took shelters in the Stables.
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Second, Stable 90 has already been used. Somber used it in Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons. It was a Stable that was never completed. The balefire fell before Stable-Tec could finish building it.
At the moment, it doesn't even really look like you even read FoE if you can't even get the fallout shelters right.
Anyway, the pacing is faster than an American after eating a burrito at the Indy 500. Sentences are chaotic, jumbled, and make little sense. The plot is just inane. Ghouls didn't exist in Pre-War times, so why would Stable-Tec not only know about them, but create an idiotic situation to create ghouls and have the Stable ponies fight them.
THEN SUDDENLY ENCLAVE.
No.
Just no. You clearly don't know how the Enclave or Stable-Tec work. You seriously need to reread Fallout Equestria before you fix this.
-Winter Storm
Kkat's Legal Agent
Edit: Also, fire the editing team. I've seen middle-schoolers do a better job. Even a 6th grader could tell you that "it's" is an abbreviation of "it is", and that you only use "it's" if the words "it is" would fit in the sentence.
He already said its one of his first stories.. cut him a break guys
2493399 Doesn't mean that both of you aren't incompetent
2493651 Why do you have to be like that? It's not like we offended you or anything
2493399 Yea? My FoE fic is my first story. Nobody cut me a break.
"First story" is one of the lamest and most overused excuses. Thank Celestia he didn't put that in his description.
Sorry if Barata seems jerkish. He bought some soap online, and it came all messed up by the postal service.
It's the third time he's bought it actually. His roommate ate the first bar he had, then later threw up on the second one. He's like the Bane of All Soaps.
Good fic no matter whatever anyone else says. Anyways just fix a couple things and it's perfect.
I appreciate all the help on the fic, but not everything is linked with the same universe. And I could have sworn 90 didn't exist because I even looked it up. I've read what I could but apparently I didn't research well enough. Ill go back and change it.
2493361 I do know about the enclave, I've played both fallouts and read a good chunk of the fics. Just because it doesn't match expectations doesn't mean it's wrong.
2495045 I',m glad someone enjoyed it. Doesn't seem like im getting very good reviews.
2495116 It's not about matching expectations. It's about portraying things correctly. The Grand Pegasus Enclave doesn't act exactly like the Enclave from Fallout.
The GPE is just as isolationist as United States after World War I. They wouldn't just show up out of nowhere to attack a Stable on the surface. Remember, all pegasi except for those higher-ups are taught that the surface has deadly diseases and the like, and that everypony's a raider. Remember, Littlepip and Blackjack got labelled as terrorists pretty damn quickly, right after they tired to tell pegasi the truth about the surface.
The ending situation in your fic, right now, seems just like the attack on Stable 99, except you've given raiders power armor. Overmare selling them out, enemy wanting to claim something, indiscriminately attacking the stable dwellers.
And I still raise my point about the "experiment", It just doesn't make sense. At all.