Confound these Princesses, they drive me to drink.
“Sir!” the young private, Vigilant Shield, called out as he chased Lieutenant Iron Hoof through the barracks.
Iron Hoof turned his head, stopping at a locker and looking back at the galloping private. “What is it, Private?”
The private skidded to a stop, panting. “Sir,” he said through his gasp. “I do not think drinking at this time of day is the best course of action. Why on Equestria would you do such a thing?”
Iron Hoof grunted as he opened the locker, pulling out a handle of rum. “Listen, cupcake, let me tell you a few things. One, you don’t tell me what I can and cannot do. I am a grown stallion, dammit. Two, I’ve been here long enough to know when a storm is a brewin’,” Iron Hoof said as he slammed his locker closed.
“Sir, I'm afraid I don't understand what you’re saying,” Vigilant Shield replied, looking around nervously.
Placing the bottle in his mouth, Lieutenant Iron Hoof walked to his bed. After reaching it, he sat down and opened the bottle, taking a large gulp.
“Private, how long have you been in the guard?” he asked as he placed the bottle down.
“Well, I just got out of basic training a month ago.”
“Exactly,” Iron Hoof replied bluntly. “Do you know what happens around the palace when the Princesses decide to have their fun and games?”
“Well no, not really.”
“Chaos that Discord himself would be proud of,” Iron Hoof sighed loudly.
“What do you mean?”
“Private,” Iron Hoof said as he stared into his eyes. “Do you trust Princess Luna? Do you trust her with your life?”
“Of course I do!” the private blurted out, jumping a little. “Yeah, she had a rough past and I was, at first, a little scared of her, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is a good pony. She paid her dues. Besides, if Princess Celestia trusts her, then so do I.”
“Good answer,” the lieutenant replied. “We both know that Princess Luna can be trusted, but that does not change the fact that other ponies out there have not caught up with the times. There are still a fair number of them that do not trust her, and still view her as Nightmare Moon.”
“But who would believe such a thing?”
“Who else but the Canterlot elite?” Iron Hoof answered as he rolled his eyes.
“But why would they do such a thing?”
“Because anything that changes in their petty lives get's their tail into a knot,” Iron Hoof said as he took another swig of his rum. “Now, instead of kissing the flank of one princess, they have to kiss the flanks of two princesses.”
“Oh, I see...”
“Not only that,” Iron Hoof continued. “They feel that Princess Luna is going to take away their power and privileges. Princess Luna has already mentioned more than once that she wants to be more harsh with the nobility, claiming ‘they have gone soft and weak’ in her absence. I just wish Princess Celestia would follow her sister’s advice on that one.”
“But what does this have to do with us? Why did you say a ‘storm is a comin’?”
Iron Hoof looked up at the private, raising an eyebrow. “Really, Private? You read that order Princess Luna gave us, right?”
“Well yeah, I did...”
“And did it not say that Princess Luna will be taking care of her sister?”
“Well yes, it did...”
“So, if Princess Luna is taking care of her sister, who will be running this joint then?”
“Umm, I don’t know...”
“It is going to be none other than the guard,” Iron Hoof replied sternly.
“Um, forgive me sir, but I don’t really see a problem there.”
“Newbies,” Iron Hoof muttered under his breath. “What that means, Private, is that for however long Princess Celestia is sick, it is going to be the guard’s responsibility to deal with whatever comes to the palace. That means, from dawn till dusk, we are going to have the nobility demand that Princess Luna release their beloved Princess Celestia. And, even though we say that she is just suffering from a common illness that she will get better from shortly, they’re going to just keep on whining and complaining.
“They have their heads shoved so far up each other’s butts that they’ll think this is another one of Princess Luna’s plans on controlling the throne all for herself. And if she is in control, then the elite aren’t going to be afraid of Nightmare Moon bringing eternal night, no, they’re going to be afraid that she will take away all their privileges and power.
“So what does that mean, Private? It means extra long hours with no extra pay dealing with whining foals. That is what it means.”
“Oh,” the private said quietly as looked down. “That does sound awful.”
“Do you see why I’m drinking now, Private?” Iron Hoof continued as he picked up the bottle. “Because this will be the only time to do so as long as Celestia is sick.”
“I understand, sir,” Vigilant Shield replied as he fell to his haunches.
Minutes passed as a calm silence fell in between the two guards.
“Hand me that bottle, sir,” the private finally said.
“Now that’s a good lad!” Iron Hoof replied. “Confound these Princesses, they drive me to drink.”
“Y-you know, you know why there are guards in the first place, P-Private?” Iron Hoof slurred out as he took a swig of rum.
“Um, to protect... to protect the Princesses?” Vigilant Shield replied, his head bobbing around.
“Pfft!” Iron Hoof blurted out as he fell down on his side. “As if we could actually protect the Princesses from threats. I t-tell you, we couldn’t do a damn thing against actual threats. N-Nightmare Moon, D-Discord, changelings, all of them just mopped the floor with us!”
“T-then why are we here?” the private asked as he reached for the bottle, taking a large swig.
“So they have something to look at, that’s what!” Iron Hoof blurted out. “We’re nothing but eye candy to them! We... we just prance around in armor for them!”
The young private just sat there. Finally, he took another swig of the rum. “I... I am okay with that.”
“R-Really?”
“Y-Yeah.” Vigilant Shield answered. His eyes darted around before he leaned down. “Psst, psst,” he whispered.
“Yeah, what is it, Private?”
“Can you keep a secret?”
“Of course I can!” the lieutenant blurted out. “I am a lieutenant after all.”
“I... I kinda have a crush on Princess Celestia...”
Instantly, Iron Hoof sat up, staring directly at the private. “Sorry lad, but you’re out of luck.”
“Wait, what?”
Iron Hoof looked around the room as he brought his muzzle close to Vigilant Shield’s ear. “You did not hear this from me,” he whispered, “but I heard Princess Celestia has got her heart set on her student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Vigilant Shield’s eyes widened, his jaw dropping. He sat there for a couple of seconds before he fell to the ground in a fetal position, crying loudly like a foal. Tears of unfathomable longing flowed out like miniature waterfalls.
“B-But that’s not fair!” he wailed loudly as he flailed his hooves in the air. “None of us can compete with her!”
“I know lad, I know,” Iron Hoof said quietly as he rubbed Vigilant Shield’s back. “Hate to admit it, but we are nothing compared to her.”
“But it isn’t fair!” Vigilant Shield continued to cry out, sobbing between words. “Not even her brother, the captain, is on her level!”
“Aye lad,” Iron Hoof said quietly. “We can’t do much when she is the savior of Equestria so many times over...”
“It’s not fair! Why does Twilight Sparkle get to hog the Princesses all for herself?! It’s just not fair!”
“I know lad, we all know...” Iron Hoof mumbled.
Captain Shining Armor walked into the guard’s barracks, noticing a large group of ponies in the corner.
“What is going on here?” Shining Armor inquired loudly.
All the guards instantly turned around, standing at attention. “Well sir, it is Lieutenant Iron Hoof and Private Vigilant Shield...” one of the guards replied as he rubbed the back of his neck.
Shining Armor’s eyebrow raised as he made his way through the group of ponies. Upon seeing his Lieutenant and Private Vigilant Shield passed out drunk before him, his face hardened.
“Sir, what should we do about them?” a different guard asked.
Shining Armor lifted his head, staring at the faces of his guards before him. “Get your gear on and get ready for anything, all of you,” he said in a stern voice.
“W-why sir?” another guard asked nervously.
“If Iron Hoof is passed out drunk at this time, it can only mean one thing,” Shining Armor said as he levitated his helmet on. “Get ready boys, a storm is coming our way.”
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Poor, poor private. Your insecurity is well understood. Don't worry, you're not alone, they drive me to drink too.
Huh. Odd that it got featured with only seven likes, but what the hey! I'll give it a shot!
Twixie finds the coverart completely irresistible.
Nice story, Foxy. I'm really glad to see this up.
It's really funny, too! 
Oooo you have another 2 chapters up! I'm going to have to read that!
Those poor guards...
Drunk guards are the best guards.
A storm is brewin' lads, get ready!
Please tell me that this is not a one-shot.
Definitely doing a reading of this!
Loving the coverart of celestia with the twilight doll
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WOOH Featured!
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Indeed it is. Funny thing, I thought of the idea and then found this picture on EqD. I was like "OMG this is PERFECT!"
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Thanks!
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Treatment is not limited to icky medicine, denial of sweets, and evil, green alfalfa.
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Oh poor Vigilant Shield, his suffering is not over yet.
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Nope it is not.
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Sweet! Tell ya friends!
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That may or may not come up in later chapters.
No wait that doesnt work, Luna is trolling. Sorry I got no troll Luna 
Winter is coming.
ha ha, this is getting REAL good REAL fast! A++++++++, writer!
Few stories make my 'Read Later' list. This joined the elite few.
d22zlbw5ff7yk5.cloudfront.net/images/cm-42268-050e2cb373394c.gif
Well, this just got my attention. :D
Thank you, Author. May I have another!
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/136/232/incoming%20shitstorm.jpg
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You have NO idea HOW BADLY I wanted to put that on. I love Game of Thrones and I HATE Joffery. But alast I felt not many people will know the reference. That and winter is ending.
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Why Thank You!
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(ok not really but it would be SUPER nice if I could.)
Faster this gets to number one on the featured list, faster it comes out.
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Haha
2251637 I just wrote it up for you, doofus.
Oh and those weren't all. Just the ones I was 100% on. I recommend another proofing pass anyways.
Yes, dat pic
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Yes but I did not know it during the time I was writing. That and I need to find editors again. One of had to leave sadly.
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Ok changes made. Thanks for catching them
"Hmm. Nurse Luna. This is either going to be a really bad clopfic, or hilarious."
*Sees tags*
"YES!"
This is hilarious! You my friend have earned yourself a like and a fav.
I hope that because you are online at the time of this comment, you are working on the new chapter, NOT bumming around and reading comments to pass the time. If you are reading this, GET, TO BUCKING, WORK!
Skipped all the comments, so it might be in here. Did you get the photo from askprincessmolestia?
GRATS ON GETTING FEATURED YAH BUM!
Laughed the whole way through. Type more words, please!
I saw that picture on DeviantArt when it was posted. Great use for this story.
NO! PRINCESS CELESTIA'S SPOKEN FOR?! I LOVED HER TOO
!
Now that that's out of the way, it seems things are going to get a little...crazy
!
(Damn my naivety of picture memes...this is the perfect time for that "Dis gon be good!" gif, but I have no idea where it is! Also, I do like Twilestia, really
, how much is that going to figure into this story?)
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m42iuhnmvR1rqz8szo1_500.jpg
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Sweet!
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I was aiming for the later
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Sweet!
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Ehhhhhhh
Ok I was reading comments passing time. To be fair, I was at work and not near my comp. I was one my phone. Yes I want to work on the next chapters, as I have already made an outline. But as I wrote in my blog, I have hit a snag. I have recently lost me editor right now and looking for more. Apparently, I need to find a hard ass grammar nazi.
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I know the artist who drew this pic does that, but no I did not get it from there. Interesting fact, I had this idea in my head before I saw this picture. But when I saw this on EqD, I was like "Holy crap that picture is perfect and great now I have no excuse to not write this." No technically no I did not get it from that tumblr, but I got from his DA page.
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I do too, I really do.
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Yes we do.
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DAM RIGHT! BUT I NEED MOAR! THIS MUST BE IN THE #1 SPOT!! ARRRGGG I have gone mad with POWER!!!
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Why, because she is a LPN, Lunar Princess of the Night!
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I was wondering when someone was going to comment on that.
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I AM trying! But I need to find another editor again.
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Yeah it is truly a great picture. It captures everything I like. Luna having fun at the expense of her sister, while adding that small Twiliestia.
Twiliestia is bestia!
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Yes, we all must sit and cry in a corner, knowing that Twilight Sparkle will always be better than us.
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No I could not resist that. I was able to resist not using "Winter is coming" from Game of Thrones as I am a HUGE fan of it. But this, I simply could not.
derpicdn.net/media/W1siZiIsIjIwMTIvMTAvMjkvMjJfNDFfMTVfOTc4XzEzNjExNV9fVU5PUFRfXyJdXQ/136115__safe_princess-luna_princess-celestia_artist-madmax_sick_thermometer_51374fea7f123b4937000305.jpg.jpg
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Don't you mean "Now I have no excuses to not write this story"?
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Ahh, I was wondering because I remember when PM;s horn broke off so Luna had to take care of her. And I saw she was holding a Twilight doll.
Please tell me I'm not the only one to think of Nurse Stimpy when that title and cover art is first seen...
3.bp.blogspot.com/-YDM6HNfE8Kk/T5uBCcyX4PI/AAAAAAAADeA/7MhW1nCvJVM/s1600/nurse-stimpy-1.jpg
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No, meant what I said. After I saw it I was like "Ok, there is no reason why I cant write this fic. This picture is too perfect." Normally I need to make sure I find a good enough picture, well then this showed up.
2252311 I could be your new editor. I'm not exactly hard core grammar Nazi, but I usually catch mess-ups. And I've been wanting to try my hand at story editing.
(Only, of course, if you hire people you don't know as your editor.)
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Will change that.
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Lol
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Yeah I remember that. Twas funny.
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Don't thank me, thank the great artist johnjoseco.
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Sadly it did not to me, it went straight to the story I was working on.
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Actually I just to to the Proofreader's group and find an editor there. Send me a PM if you are interested and what you are good at. Like I said, I need a lot of help with grammar, flow, and sentence structure.
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As Pinkie would say.....
Okie dokie lokie!
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Yep. But I found this on EqD, and was it perfect.
memedepot.com/uploads/2000/2397_bpfobu.jpg
Need I say more?
Oh god the shit is hitting the fan
This is great!
If Luna's taking care of her older sister, then shouldn't either Prince Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, or the newly Princess Twilight Sparkle take over until Celestia's well?
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I don't think Twilicorn is part of this one.
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Hey thanks!
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*flips table*
We do not talk about Twilicorn here.....
Cadence is in the Crystal Empire, Shining Armor still has to deal with all the bureaucracy with the guard. Besides, after Chrysalis tricked him so easily, I doubt he be the best candidate for it. I am sure the rest of the guard and palace staff can handle it.
But yeah, this is before season 3 finale.
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Yep