• Published 11th Mar 2013
  • 19,327 Views, 895 Comments

Enter Nurse Luna! - Foxy Kimchi

Princess Celestia contracts the flu. Who other than her dear, loving sister to take care of her?

  • ...

Confound these Princesses, they drive me to drink.

“Sir!” the young private, Vigilant Shield, called out as he chased Lieutenant Iron Hoof through the barracks.

Iron Hoof turned his head, stopping at a locker and looking back at the galloping private. “What is it, Private?”

The private skidded to a stop, panting. “Sir,” he said through his gasp. “I do not think drinking at this time of day is the best course of action. Why on Equestria would you do such a thing?”

Iron Hoof grunted as he opened the locker, pulling out a handle of rum. “Listen, cupcake, let me tell you a few things. One, you don’t tell me what I can and cannot do. I am a grown stallion, dammit. Two, I’ve been here long enough to know when a storm is a brewin’,” Iron Hoof said as he slammed his locker closed.

“Sir, I'm afraid I don't understand what you’re saying,” Vigilant Shield replied, looking around nervously.

Placing the bottle in his mouth, Lieutenant Iron Hoof walked to his bed. After reaching it, he sat down and opened the bottle, taking a large gulp.

“Private, how long have you been in the guard?” he asked as he placed the bottle down.

“Well, I just got out of basic training a month ago.”

“Exactly,” Iron Hoof replied bluntly. “Do you know what happens around the palace when the Princesses decide to have their fun and games?”

“Well no, not really.”

“Chaos that Discord himself would be proud of,” Iron Hoof sighed loudly.

“What do you mean?”

“Private,” Iron Hoof said as he stared into his eyes. “Do you trust Princess Luna? Do you trust her with your life?”

“Of course I do!” the private blurted out, jumping a little. “Yeah, she had a rough past and I was, at first, a little scared of her, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is a good pony. She paid her dues. Besides, if Princess Celestia trusts her, then so do I.”

“Good answer,” the lieutenant replied. “We both know that Princess Luna can be trusted, but that does not change the fact that other ponies out there have not caught up with the times. There are still a fair number of them that do not trust her, and still view her as Nightmare Moon.”

“But who would believe such a thing?”

“Who else but the Canterlot elite?” Iron Hoof answered as he rolled his eyes.

“But why would they do such a thing?”

“Because anything that changes in their petty lives get's their tail into a knot,” Iron Hoof said as he took another swig of his rum. “Now, instead of kissing the flank of one princess, they have to kiss the flanks of two princesses.”

“Oh, I see...”

“Not only that,” Iron Hoof continued. “They feel that Princess Luna is going to take away their power and privileges. Princess Luna has already mentioned more than once that she wants to be more harsh with the nobility, claiming ‘they have gone soft and weak’ in her absence. I just wish Princess Celestia would follow her sister’s advice on that one.”

“But what does this have to do with us? Why did you say a ‘storm is a comin’?”

Iron Hoof looked up at the private, raising an eyebrow. “Really, Private? You read that order Princess Luna gave us, right?”

“Well yeah, I did...”

“And did it not say that Princess Luna will be taking care of her sister?”

“Well yes, it did...”

“So, if Princess Luna is taking care of her sister, who will be running this joint then?”

“Umm, I don’t know...”

“It is going to be none other than the guard,” Iron Hoof replied sternly.

“Um, forgive me sir, but I don’t really see a problem there.”

“Newbies,” Iron Hoof muttered under his breath. “What that means, Private, is that for however long Princess Celestia is sick, it is going to be the guard’s responsibility to deal with whatever comes to the palace. That means, from dawn till dusk, we are going to have the nobility demand that Princess Luna release their beloved Princess Celestia. And, even though we say that she is just suffering from a common illness that she will get better from shortly, they’re going to just keep on whining and complaining.

“They have their heads shoved so far up each other’s butts that they’ll think this is another one of Princess Luna’s plans on controlling the throne all for herself. And if she is in control, then the elite aren’t going to be afraid of Nightmare Moon bringing eternal night, no, they’re going to be afraid that she will take away all their privileges and power.

“So what does that mean, Private? It means extra long hours with no extra pay dealing with whining foals. That is what it means.”

“Oh,” the private said quietly as looked down. “That does sound awful.”

“Do you see why I’m drinking now, Private?” Iron Hoof continued as he picked up the bottle. “Because this will be the only time to do so as long as Celestia is sick.”

“I understand, sir,” Vigilant Shield replied as he fell to his haunches.

Minutes passed as a calm silence fell in between the two guards.

“Hand me that bottle, sir,” the private finally said.

“Now that’s a good lad!” Iron Hoof replied. “Confound these Princesses, they drive me to drink.”

“Y-you know, you know why there are guards in the first place, P-Private?” Iron Hoof slurred out as he took a swig of rum.

“Um, to protect... to protect the Princesses?” Vigilant Shield replied, his head bobbing around.

“Pfft!” Iron Hoof blurted out as he fell down on his side. “As if we could actually protect the Princesses from threats. I t-tell you, we couldn’t do a damn thing against actual threats. N-Nightmare Moon, D-Discord, changelings, all of them just mopped the floor with us!”

“T-then why are we here?” the private asked as he reached for the bottle, taking a large swig.

“So they have something to look at, that’s what!” Iron Hoof blurted out. “We’re nothing but eye candy to them! We... we just prance around in armor for them!”

The young private just sat there. Finally, he took another swig of the rum. “I... I am okay with that.”


“Y-Yeah.” Vigilant Shield answered. His eyes darted around before he leaned down. “Psst, psst,” he whispered.

“Yeah, what is it, Private?”

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Of course I can!” the lieutenant blurted out. “I am a lieutenant after all.”

“I... I kinda have a crush on Princess Celestia...”

Instantly, Iron Hoof sat up, staring directly at the private. “Sorry lad, but you’re out of luck.”

“Wait, what?”

Iron Hoof looked around the room as he brought his muzzle close to Vigilant Shield’s ear. “You did not hear this from me,” he whispered, “but I heard Princess Celestia has got her heart set on her student, Twilight Sparkle.”

Vigilant Shield’s eyes widened, his jaw dropping. He sat there for a couple of seconds before he fell to the ground in a fetal position, crying loudly like a foal. Tears of unfathomable longing flowed out like miniature waterfalls.

“B-But that’s not fair!” he wailed loudly as he flailed his hooves in the air. “None of us can compete with her!”

“I know lad, I know,” Iron Hoof said quietly as he rubbed Vigilant Shield’s back. “Hate to admit it, but we are nothing compared to her.”

“But it isn’t fair!” Vigilant Shield continued to cry out, sobbing between words. “Not even her brother, the captain, is on her level!”

“Aye lad,” Iron Hoof said quietly. “We can’t do much when she is the savior of Equestria so many times over...”

“It’s not fair! Why does Twilight Sparkle get to hog the Princesses all for herself?! It’s just not fair!”

“I know lad, we all know...” Iron Hoof mumbled.

Captain Shining Armor walked into the guard’s barracks, noticing a large group of ponies in the corner.

“What is going on here?” Shining Armor inquired loudly.

All the guards instantly turned around, standing at attention. “Well sir, it is Lieutenant Iron Hoof and Private Vigilant Shield...” one of the guards replied as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Shining Armor’s eyebrow raised as he made his way through the group of ponies. Upon seeing his Lieutenant and Private Vigilant Shield passed out drunk before him, his face hardened.

“Sir, what should we do about them?” a different guard asked.

Shining Armor lifted his head, staring at the faces of his guards before him. “Get your gear on and get ready for anything, all of you,” he said in a stern voice.

“W-why sir?” another guard asked nervously.

“If Iron Hoof is passed out drunk at this time, it can only mean one thing,” Shining Armor said as he levitated his helmet on. “Get ready boys, a storm is coming our way.”

Author's Note:

Special thanks to Zeta040 and John Perry for editing.

Thanks to Shanenator for final read through.

Many thanks to PoisonSt for drawing these pictures. In addition, he has also agreed to draw more pictures for me in the future. What that means is that each new chapter will have a picture or two with it. So, if you want more pictures, go thank PoisonSt. Like him, watch him, just thank him and let him know his work is awesome if you want more pictures.

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