There is a quote that has long been written of the two rulers of Equestria. All that the light of day’s sun touches is the domain of Princess Celestia. All that the light of the night moon touches is the domain of Princess Luna.
While it is a nice and pretty quote that the majority of Equestrians believe, those who work in the palace know that is only 99.9% true. For in the palace they know that if one looked really hard in the fine print, they would see that there is indeed one exception to that quote. There is one place on Earth that is under the control of neither Princess Celestia nor Luna. No matter how much sunlight or moonlight hits it, it will never be in their control, despite the fact that this very place is within the palace walls.
No, that one small area is under the control of another being. A dictator so brutal and heavy hoofed that it makes Discord, Nightmare Moon, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra combined look tame. Many words have been used to describe this tyrant. Profane, demeaning, insulting, angry, critical, arrogant, narcissistic, and wooly. The palace kitchen was its own country, ruled by the terrible head chef, Ram Sea.
CRASH!
“Ye’ call this food?!” Chef Ram Sea shouted in a crying mare’s face as he threw a plate of food on the ground. “Ah wouldnae e’en wipe mah own arse wi’ ‘at! Now try again!”
“An’ Ye!” Ram Sea shouted as he turned around a pointed a hoof at a colt. “Ye are gonnae burn th’ dish! Fix it now befaire Ah slice aff yer flank an’ put it on tonight’s menu!”
Chef Ram Sea continued to shout at the numerous chefs in the kitchen, leaving a trail of salty tears and shattered dreams.
“Psst, Copper,” Silver Whisk, a light grey unicorn, whispered. “Seems like ole’ Ram Sea is going on another one of his temper tantrums.”
“Yep,” Copper Kettle, a burnt orange unicorn, replied back as he mixed a bowl. “Judging by the looks of it, it is going to be a good one.”
“Got that right,” Silver Whisk said as he nudged Copper, “oh look he already made Cherry Delight to cry.”
“Poor gal. Looks like Iron Pot is already starting to break down.” Copper replied as he looked over his shoulder.
“Aye, it is Ram Sea after all.” Silver Whisk carefully looked around, before beckoning his friend closer. “I was chatting with the guards yesterday afternoon, and did you know what they heard? They said that Telly the Royal Barber once sheared his wool too much, and you’ll never guess what ol’ Ram Sea has under that sweater of his!”
“Noooo,” Copper whispered in delight, a grin breaking across his face. “Don’t tell me he has—“
“A cutie mark! Two of them in fact! One for cooking and making others cry.” Silver said with a laugh.
“Yep. Makes me wonder, how many ponies are going to cry today because of Ram Sea?” Copper asked.
“Hmmm, maybe nine? Silver said as he shrugged.
“You should add two to that list.”
“Why is th—” Silver said as he stopped mid-sentence and looked behind him. There, stood the angriest sheep ever walk to the plains of Equestria.
Copper and Silver booth stood there, bracing themselves for one of Chef Ram Sea famous triade.
“Why Ah ought tae—”
“Are you three busy with something?” a voice called out.
Ram Sea, Copper, and Silver all turned their heads to face the voice. “Princess Luna!” they all cried out.
“I do hope I am not interrupting something important,” Luna said with a regal air and a slight smile.
Instantly both Copper and Silver bowed low, their heads almost touching the ground. Ram Sea however strolled up to her, standing on his hindlegs and looking straight into her eyes.
“Yeah, what do ye’ want? Lunch is not for anither hour.”
“Ah, greetings head chef,” Luna said with a smile. “I don’t know if you have heard or not, but my sister is ill with the flu. So I was wondering if you could make her a special lunch so that I may bring it to her.”
“Oh,” Ram Sea responded as his ears perked. “A special lunch ye say?”
“Indeed,” Luna said with a smile. “My sister is ill so I need a meal to make her feel better.”
Both Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk kept their heads low to the ground.
“Oh great,” Silver whispered to Copper as he opened an eye. “Ol’ Ram Sea has that look in his eye. He gets to make a special meal and show off his cooking.”
“Yep,” Copper replied as he rolled his eyes.
“Hey Copper,” Silver whispered.
“What?”
“Is it me, or is Princess Luna wearing a nurse outfit?”
Cooper eyes widened as he cautiously snuck a peek up at Luna. “Holy—she is!”
“Wow...she looks really hot in that.” Silver said, a dreamy look in his eyes.
“Dude, that’s the Princess!” Copper said with a blush.
“Do you think we can get both Princesses to wear something like that?”
“Shut up and be respectful!” Copper replied as his blush increased.
“Nah, you just want to stop talking because you’re visualizing it right now…”
“Shut your mouth!” Copper hissed. “Think cold showers, think cold showers.”
“Don’t forget Princess Cadance…”
“Thats it!” Copper said as he tackled Silver.
Chef Ram Sea and Princess Luna stopped talking as the looked down at the two wrestling ponies.
“Um—what are they doing?” Luna asked with a raised eyebrow.
“They’re about to git served a dish of bludy raw flank wi’ a side helpin’ of mah hoof down their gullets,” Ram Sea hissed through his teeth as he stood above the two ponies. “Hey idiots, get up now!”
Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk instantly stood at attention, their chest puffed out. “Ah should skin ye two alive right now, but ‘en ‘at would ruin mah guid knives on yer worthless hides!” the sheep muttered darkly before turning back to Luna. “Now Princess,” Ram Sea grunted, “What do ye need?”
Luna’s horn glowed as she brought a parchment to Ram Sea’s hooves. “Everything should be on this list.”
“Hmmm,” Ram Sea replied as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Och, Ah can do this.”
“Excellent, then I will pick it up when ready.” Luna replied with a smile.
“Just a wee question though,” Ram Sea said as he raised an eyebrow.
“Yes?”
“Ah am wonderin’ why thaur is ‘Low Fat’ an’ ‘Low Calorie’ next tae each item in bold letters.” Ram Sea asked.
“Well, I am simply looking after my sister’s health.” Luna replied with a smile. “And there is no pick upper for a flu quite like fresh soup!”
Ram Sea rolled his eyes “Bah, ye donnae need soup for a flu. What ye’ sister needs is a bowl ay warm mash an’ a tall hot toddy with extra hoofin’ ay whiskey. Serve to her at night, and have her hoot like a bairn owl twice. She’ll be right as rain by mornin’.”
Luna’s smile weakened ever so slightly. “I’m not quite sure that-“
“Do ye dare doubt th’ effectiveness of th’ Clan Sea family traditions?” Ram Sea asked, a twinge of hurt in his voice. “Here, let me demonstrate! Copper!” The unicorn sprung to his hooves with a salute. “Go an’ catch a flu, be quick about it! Silver, you go an’ play in traffic an’ Ah’ll-“
“There will be no need for that,” Luna said hurriedly, to the immense relief the younger cooks. “I am certain that the head chef of Canterlot Palace is able to prepare a dish to those specifications.”
“Of course Ah can!” Ram Sea snorted in response. “But Ah’d rather not follow these instructions.”
“What?” Luna said, aghast, “Why not?”
“Because Ah only make dishes ‘at are perfect.” Ram Sea replied flatly, attempting to snootily look down his nose at Luna. Unfortunately she was much too tall for that to work.
“What? Surely a chef of your skill can make these modern low-fat alternative foodstuffs taste good!” Luna cried out.
“Well of course Ah can, but th’ fact of the’ matter is if Ah did use, ugh, alternatives in mah cuisine, it wouldnae taste as well as it should. Ah will not make a dish unless it is 100% perfect!” Ram Sea retorted as he stomped a hoof.
“B-but,” Luna cried out, her eyes wide. “Think of my sister’s health!”
“Ah am sure Celestia will be just fine using normal ingredients.” Ram Sea replied nonchalantly as he waived his hoof. “Ah’ll see if Ah can’t e’en sneak th’ toddy in thaur.”
“B-but—!”
“No more buts! Ye ignore mah advice and ask meh tae make a special dish, then ye have tae follow mah demands.” Ram Sea replied as he lifted his chin, eyes closed.
“Tis not fair!” Luna whined as she stomped her hoof.
“And why is it not fair, oh Princess oy mine?”
“Because!” Luna replied, her eye twitching.
“Because…?” Ram Sea replied as he raised an eyebrow.
“Because tis not fair!” Luna shouted in frustration, stomping her hoof and flaring her wings out. "Tis not fair that thy own sister gets all the attention! Over the past millennium my sister’s flank has only gotten bigger and somehow she hast received even more admiration than before! Always it is ‘By Celestia’s holy flank!’ or ‘Sweet Celestia’s butt!’. Everypony ogle’s mine sister’s rump! Why does nopony praise our flank? Is our flank not good enough?” Luna paused to peer over at the painting of the night sky on her rump.
“Tis just not fair! I too desire to be fawned at once in a while! Do I not deserve some attention and praise for my looks too? Am I not attractive as well? Yes, I made a few mistakes in the past, but I have paid my dues! The moon flank is just as good... or even better than my sister’s!” She glared at Ram, “I do not need my sister’s butt to be any larger! For fear that she will just hog even more of the stallions’ attention! There! That is why it is not fair!”
It was suddenly clear to everyone in the room at the moment that the fires of rage were burning in the lunar princess’ eyes as she bared her teeth in a frightening snarl. “You WILL prepare this dish to my specifications!”
Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk stood there, mouths agape and twisted into fearful frowns, and a strange blush on their faces, along with every other pony in the kitchen.
“Well…” Silver Whisk whispered to Copper. “I know what I’m dreaming about tonight…”
“You do know that she goes into our dreams, right?”
“…that’ll make it even better.”
The tyrannical chef merely stared bemused at Luna for a few moments with one eyebrow only slightly raised. “Ah see.” A rare smirk appeared on the demon-sheep’s muzzle. Nopony was quite sure what was going on in that bizarre horned head of his. “Ah suppose we wouldnae want th’ sun butt tae become any larger than it is already.”
A grateful smile spread across the Luna’s face. “Then it is settled,” she replied with a huge sigh of relief.
“And Princess,” Ram Sea whispered he brought his head closer to Luna’s. “If ye want stallion’s attention, all ye have tae do is flaunt it e’ery now an’ ‘en.”
“Really?” Luna said with surprise.
“Of course,” he affirmed, the odd smirk remaining plastered to his face. “Just take a look at this sad lot here. Ah know these losers, ‘ey are slightly better than th’ majority of th’ population, that is why ‘ey are permitted within mah kitchen. If ye can make ‘em gawk like that, then ye’ can make every other pony as randy as hares.” Ram Sea said as he pointed towards his staff.
“Really?” Luna said with excitement.
“Of course. All ye’ gotta do is shake yer hips every now and ‘en in front of some ponies, and they’ll be falling straight into your hooves.”
“Tis wonderful news!” Luna replied with a slight jump. “But wait, then how are you not affected if everyone around here seems in a daze.”
“Simple,” Ram Sea replied. “Ah’m a ram, ye're not wooly enough for mah sophisticated tastes.”
“Oh, well that makes sense. Yes of course.” Luna said as she rubbed her chin. “Well then I guess I shall be off. I must attend to a few things for my sister.”
“Ah’ll take care of it,” Ram Sea said as he watched Luna leave. Suddenly he turned around, ramming his head in front of Copper and Silver. “What do you think you are doing? We have soup tae make for her highness! Get meh onion and celery, on th’ double!”
“Yes Head Chef!” they cried, before running for the pantry. A heap of celery was dropped on the table in front of the sheep, and the two flung themselves into peeling onions as fast as their magic would permit.
Ram Sea plucked a knife from a nearby rack and swiftly began dicing the vegetables in silence. Copper Kettle and Silver Whisk dared not breathe a word to each other, lest they provoke the sheep further. Occasionally, Ram Sea would pause in his work to mutter something in Coltish before throwing a sidelong glance their way.
“Three,” the chef said suddenly. Silver Whish and Copper Kettle looked up from their mounds of onions.
“What?” Copper asked. Ram Sea glanced back at them, a smug grin buried beneath his wool.
“Ah’ll have ye know that ye were nearly spot on wi’ mah special talents, but Ah have actually have three cutie marks.”
Both of their jaws fells open in disbelief. “What?! No way-” Copper began, before recovering his sense. “You’re messing with us right now, aren’t you?”
“Ah swair on mah lamb’s wooly ears, Ah’m tellin’ ye’ th’ truth.”
“Then what’s the third one for?”
The chef brought his carving knife with a solid ‘thunk’ down onto the cutting board. “Och, just a wee bit o’ necromancy.”
Welp, sorry for the huge ass wait. Grad school and life makes things complicated. I do hope you enjoy this chapter, as I did. It is always so much more fun when I can use Dawnscroll's great characters.
Oh, just to let you know, someone pointed out that there is a Gordon Ramsay pony in the MLP comics. Yeah Dawnscroll did Chef Ram Sea before that. He did it before it was cool. That and I prefer the wooly version myself.
3444067 Ignore this loveable dumb ass. I'M the reason there has been so much wait time for this chapter. He tossed me the chapter, and I told him I'd have it back tomorrow. One thing led to another, we had a miscommunication regarding Gdocs, and carrier pigeon is a horrible way to communicate. I mean, seriously. They fly into my house and crap everywhere.
Where was I? Oh right. Please send all hate regarding the lengthy wait to yours truly. Remember! Everytime you kill a Foxy Kimchi, Discord cries.
His tears will make you live for ever.
Just sayin'.
LUNA HAS THE BEST FLANK!
Well, I have to say, I loved the "Luna wants some fawning" bit. It was hilarious and hot!
Alondro prepares a dish and takes it to Ram Sea, who is prepared to mock and deride the assumingly foalish human for thinking his meager cuisine could impress the likes of a master chef of...(takes a bite)... O__________________O
"Ye gods... it be fulla stars!"
Alondro is worshiped as the Quisinart Hadarac.
3444240
after reading A Slice of Life, that is much more ominous and hilarious
3444067
trust me, it's well worth waiting for this chapter
Suddenly, Gordon Ramsa- I mean, Ram Sea.
img.izismile.com/img/img6/20130418/640/gordon_ramsay_memes_that_are_hilarious_640_07.jpg
Gordon Ramsay is an asshole .-.
But seriously, IT'S ALIVE!
I thought this fic died ;-;
3444240
3444177
Muad'Dib approves.
3444120
Bullshit. If I wrote this chapter sooner then this whole problem would have never existed.
Also, according to your logic, making Discord cry is a good thing?
3444152
There is massive debate over this.
3444173
Who doesn't?
3444279
How else is he the master chef? He raises the dead of all other chefs before him, steals their recipe, then yells at them until they bury themselves
3444307
Thanks!
3444317
Ram Sea. Don't know who this Gordon you speak of lol.
3444363
Nope, not yet. Just going slowly. I aint done with it yet.
3444177
?
3444445
??
Ken ye nae imagine the uproar if a wee gryphon was to order a haggis
Damn I forgot all about this story. Made up for it and the lack of A Slice of Life and put a smile on my face.
Oh my god, you finally got Ram Sea in.
Hella yes.
3444455
Oh i meant bringing his employees back to life after he kills them
3444445 You mean Moca'Dip (keep with the food theme!)
Excellent
YES THE BEST DEMOSHEEP IS BACK AND WOOLIER THAN EVER!!!!!!!
3444455 COUNTER BULLSHIT!
You had the chapter written and were waiting on me! Therefor, my fault! All the blame is mine! MINE you hear me?!
His tears also taste like chocolate milk and syphilis, if that sweetens the deal for you people.
Also, that was completely spur of the moment for me in regards to the necromancy... frankly, Im beginning to consider making it canon. Hmmmm...
3444067 I looked at this story again out of curiosity last night and you update it the day after? Are you a psychic?
This made me literally LOL.
3444152
Sorry, butt Celestia's glorious sun reigns supreme.
3444835 NOPE. MOONS BETTER. WAY BETTER
CAN YOU LOOK AT THE SUN?! NOPE DIDNT THINK SO. YOU CAN LOOK AT THE GLOSIUS MOON. AW YEAH.
3444459
No idea, depends if Ram Sea would want to make one?
3444462
Yes I am still around and making stories.
3444466
I been wanting to do this for sssooooo long.
3444483
Gives new meaning to Tartartus' Kitchen.
3444621
Que?
3444678
Yess....Excellent....
3444694
Indeed.
3444722
REVERSE COUNTER BULLSHIT!
If I wrote this sooner, it would have been out sooner regardless!
As for the canon part, up to you. But does give a whole new meaning to Tartarus' Kitchen. Even in death, Ram Sea will find a way to yell at you and make you cry. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE HIS WOOLY WRATH!
3444742
I wish.
3444812
Glad to hear it!
3444835
And so the debate begins.....
3444899
It has already escalated.
3444911 WHY WOULDN'T I. LUNA IS BETTER. DUH
I like your flank, Luna.
praise the MOON!!!!!
3444911 You do know that you have to add the Twilight plush-doll in this story now, right?
3444911
1. I think that the gryphon would be chased down the hall by Ram Sea screaming something about Chicken Cordon Blue. It's made with a boiled sheep’s stomach.
2. Muad'Dib refers to Alondros Quisinart Hadarac a play on the title in Frank Herberts Dune story
right, you brought back the ram... lol... needs art... although get the ram to meet the unicorn...
i.imgur.com/3GzuF1x.jpg
3445071
If you want art, go find an artist willing to take request and ill beg. I always want art for my fics.
wow. I only just realized "Ram Sea" was supposed to be Chef Ramsey.
do you need a proofreader? im available
3445150
Hehe. Still, IMO Ram Sea just funny by himself.
3445165
Well I currently have proofreaders/editors right now working on my fics. However, if I ever need an extra (which I have a tendency to do) I will remember your offer.
alright. if you cant get ahold of me here, Josephdalepi on steam skype or any email service will reach me
3445095
If you get artwork of Chef Ram Sea, Im gonna seize it first by force, whether legal or physical.
Just saying...
REVERSE REVERSE COUNTER BULLSHIT!
I could have written this up in a day! It took me a few weeks from bullshit lie stuff and technical difficulties! You were patient and asked me over and over and apologized for nothing! I should be apologizing to you!
...IM SORRY I RUINED YOUR FIC AND MADE YOU WAIT. YOU DESERVE BETTER! Im a horrible person. I couldve made these people laugh sooner... and they're still waiting for SOL!
3445237
You know, we can try and bother a certain artist we know to get Ram Sea...
huehuehuehue
3444911 Parkay?
locowholesale.ca/image/cache/data/Food/parkay-500x500.JPG
(The food puns continue!)
3445249
Hey you know what would be awesome? If we somehow managed to get Ram Sea into the collective consciousness of the fandom.
YES!!! THIS STORY LIVES!!!
I missed this and the torture Luna gave Celestia as her nurse. Its nice to see some activty from Dawn scroll as well, I hop this mean he may pick his story up again. Keep up the good work.
Absolutely loved the addition of Ram Sea, and Silver and Copper's antics made it even better. Now if, only Slice of Life could update I could die happy
3445401
Lol
3445416
I wish lol. There IS a MLP Comic that has a pony version of Gordon Ramsay, but as I said I prefer the wooly version myself.
3445535
Pssttt, ppssstt. He did post here huehuehue.
3445629
Same as above XD.
3445644
Yeah I tend to do that a lot.
3445773
Me too.
This is freakin' Equestria, where there are 7x more sentient species than we will ever have. Use 'em!
Goats, rams, minotaurs, dragons, griffons, D dogs, ponies (duh), crystals, phoenixes, Harry the Bear, Changelings, Draconequui, humans, fairies(?), trolls, Giant Spiders, sentient sludge, Care Bears (etc)
Go pick one!
Bad, awful Telly! Naughty Telly! How could anyone shear the lovely
lockswool of our town's perfectscientistcook!As soon as I finished the third paragraph, I knew the chapter would be good. We need more fics with chef Ram Sea in it.
If I may make one small suggestion? you've said
and n scottish Dialect, 'Bairn' means 'Baby' or 'child', and I think you might have mistaken it for Barn! so I'm just drawing that to your attention! loved the chapter too!
Because I've read A Slice Of Life, I knew what was coming when I read "No, that one small area is under the control of another being. A dictator so brutal and heavy hoofed that it makes Discord, Nightmare Moon, Queen Chrysalis, and King Sombra combined look tame. Many words have been used to describe this tyrant."
3444835
Luna is wearing a nurse outfit. Your argument is invalid