Chapter Two
Keep Away From Colts and Fillies
I can feel the left side of my face starting to go numb from twitching. There was a worry that seeped into my veins when this all started. It’s changed into a horrible blight of rage as I stare up at Twilight. How could she do this to me?!
Alright, that might be describing it a tad melodramatically. It might not be as bad as I am describing it, but still, what was she thinking?! I attempt to take a deep breath and calm myself down. After all, what was the lesson we learned last month brain? “Hur, keep calm and flutter on?”
I am going to stop asking you questions if you keep doing this to me brain. One of these days, I swear, one of these days, Bam! Zoom! And then straight to the moon!
Son of a bitch! Stop bitching about these things to yourself, and get to bitching about them to the one who decided that this was a good idea in the first place.
“Can’t you give us a few minutes-” Twilight begins.
“No! You and me need to have a talk about this now!” I rub a hoof against my face and then realize that Twilight isn’t the only one in the room. The whole gang is here. “Maybe alone and off to the side?” I growl.
Twilight rolls her eyes and looks apologetically at her friends. “Excuse me girls, I’m sure this will only take a minute.” I push my butt off the ground and walk over to the other side of the room with Twilight in tow. “Alright, what’s wrong now, H.B.? Because we are kind of in the middle of-”
“Seriously, Twilight?!” I point at the kitchen door.
Twilight gives me a baffled look. “Seriously, what?”
Alright, Twilight might be a magical talking unicorn, but she isn’t a mind reader. “Twilight, what in the name of...” I fumble around for a good Equestrian equivalent that doesn’t sound like a cliche. Nothing’s coming to me. “What made you think that putting me in charge of...whatever is going on over there would be a good idea?!” I whisper harshly.
“It’s called, ‘The Summer Reading Program,’” Twilight explains. “I thought that you would have been perfect for this job due to the fact that you seem to like to tell stories and you were the one who suggested this idea.”
I rub my temples. “Because I like to tell stories and because I came up with the idea, Twilight? That’s a horrible reason for putting me in charge of that. Not only that, but you didn’t say anything to me nor give me any forewarning about it happening! I would have thought that you would have at least done those two things before suddenly springing something like this on me!”
“I did give you some forewarning, I left a note on the whiteboard in the kitchen yesterday,” Twilight replies.
My eye twitches again. “You mean the one that is nothing but post-it notes? Written in micro-print? Again! Seriously Twilight?! I would need a magnifying glass to read them. And it’s not like I can just grasp it with my hoof!” I must have said that a little too loudly because the others have stopped their conversation to look at the both of us. I laugh nervously.
Twilight sighs. “Look H.B., I thought your idea was a great idea. Offer up a summer reading program for colts and fillies, that way the library gets more use and in turn more funding. Though I’m not sure the funding part is needed. I just liked the part where more youngsters are encouraged to read.”
That twitch has returned to my face again. “Ugh! Twilight, do you not see the problem in this situation?!”
“Actually, I don’t. Not only are you getting a chance to earn a little extra money, but you are also doing something that you seem to be really good at: Telling stories. On top of that?” Twilight calmly smiles at me. “It’s a chance for you to get out and socialize.”
I am not pleased with her calm air. “Socialize, yeah! With colts and fillies! Do you realize how bad of an idea that is!?”
“I’m not following,” Twilight replies confused.
I rub my temples. “Twilight, I am an emotional train wreck, who is currently unstable and has been affected by strange magics! In the past month we have discovered that animals avoid me! There’s no telling what repercussions will result in-”
Rarity clears her throat looking at the both of us. “Not to be terribly rude, but from what I have gathered...” She takes a sip of her apple juice. “Your teacher, Twilight has given you an assignment, and it is your job to complete said assignment. So, my advice would be to...” She pauses and puts a hoof on her chin. “How did you put it, Rainbow Dash?”
“Whoa, hey, leave me out of this-” Rainbow starts.
“Oh yes, I remember now.” She shot me a smug expression. “Suck it up, buttercup?”
On gut instinct I find myself nearly lunging at the group to give marshmallow fluff a piece of my mind. However, I am currently finding my backside stuck in position. Looking back, there’s Twilight horn aglow. I attempt to fight the magic that’s being used on me but there’s no budging. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Fucking unicorns and their fucking magic!
“H.B. Calm down.” Twilight said in a calm yet stern manner. I roll my eyes and relax enough to convince her that I am not about to jump her friend. “Good.” She glares at Rarity. “And Rarity, no antagonizing our student while I am the one talking to her.” Rarity frowns and turns her head hmphing. I roll my eyes. That is so typical of her. “Right, you were saying?”
I feel the need to sniff and reply with a, ‘Never mind,’ after getting slapped with what some would call a hard truth. But I hate that whole, ‘suck it up,’ sound bite. I had to deal with that shit when I was in the military. The constant pushing, being told to, ‘suck it up,’ and berating. Phrases like that hit me like little trigger words. They remind me of a time and place I would just like to forget. Darn it! No, calm down. Calm the fuck down and explain your concerns.
“I was saying that exposing me to your young is a bad idea and that nop-p-pony has a clue what could happen.” I glower at the floor. “Plus there is one or two of those colts and fillies out there that are orphans!” My face twitches. “Orphans, Twilight!”
She blinks. “Yeah, so?”
“Yeah, so?!” I shake my hooves. “Do you also put vicious dogs in f-f-foals playpens?!” I feel her put a hoof on my shoulder, I try to shrug it off.
“H.B., you’re not a vicious dog,” she’s giving me that fucking sympathetic look again, while pulling up close. “Like I was saying before we were rudely interrupted, this is a chance for you to socialize,” I wave my hoof at her about this. I have said what I already need to say about how I feel about this, ‘socializing.’ I am not going to repeat myself. “And to make sure that the other ponies in Ponyville know that you’re safe.”
Alright, that statement right there is something new. I push Twilight’s hoof off me. “Know that I’m safe? I know I am majorly concerned about bad things happening when you put me in the same room as big eyed, overly cute, colts and fillies Twilight. But I’ve barely left the library or the farm. What are the rest of them concerned about?”
“Well...” Twilight’s biting her lower lip and looking away from me. That isn’t a good sign. “I didn’t want to say this, but rumors have been starting about you...”
Fuck. Rumors. Fuck! I hate fucking rumors! “Peachy...Just. Peachy. This s-s-streusel again. Seems that you ponies just can’t keep from talking!”
Twilight rolls her eyes. “Well...to be fair, H.B. That’s what ponies do. You haven’t given them a lot to go on and just like with the six of us when we first met you, they have been left to speculate. Ponyville is a small town, and small town ponies talk more than big city ponies.” Ugh, Twilight is talking sense. But what I am feeling about what’s going on out there doesn’t make any sense. “You can’t be an island to yourself you know.”
I have the sudden urge to stare her right in the face and shout, ‘Watch Me!’ at the top of my lungs. To go find a place in which I could hide away from all the sparkles, the cute, and the fucking sugar fluff that saturates my eyeballs. But I know how that will all end. I can feel myself shaking over this. I really shouldn’t be. It’s not that big of a deal, right? Then why do I feel the need to make it one?
Twilight sighs. “We’ve been together for about two months H.B., and while you’ve made some progress. Right now it kind of feels like you’re slipping.” A new fear manifests in the back of my head. The fear of disapproval and failure. “Plus I get the feeling that you’re not telling me the real issue here. Come on, be honest with me about what the real issue is.”
I frown, she sounds like a fucking psychiatrist. “Don’t patronize me Twilight. It’s just that that’s a lot of colts and fillies out there.”
“And? Last month you seemed to do just fine with Dib,” Twilight says calmly.
“That was different, Twilight. With him it was a one on one thing. Not a whole crowd of talkative, inquisitive and touchy colts and fillies.” I search around my feelings. “I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing or something happening to them because of me. And there is the fact that I still feel like you jumped me on this. Seriously, a gaggle of them just walk into the library chattering away, pick up books, come to me and with big fetting eyes ask me to read to them!”
“And what did you do?” Twilight asks. Oh, Fuck you Twilight. I know exactly where this is going.
“What could I do?! They surrounded me and I couldn’t get away!” I facehoof. “I had them open a book and I read it to them.”
“And then what happened?” Twilight asks me.
I roll my eyes. “Then after I finished one fetting story I read another.” I grumble.
“Oh my goodness, H.B.! That’s just horrible!” Twilight says in a sarcastic manner. I glare at her. And she gives me a nervous laugh. “Sorry, but with the way that you were reacting when you came barreling in here, I thought that either they had mauled you or that you had drop-kicked one of them.” I give her the, ‘Are you for real?’ face. Her eyes dart back and forth. “I don’t know much about your world, H.B., for all I know, your species drop-kicks its young...”
I facehoof. “If that was an attempt at a joke, Twilight...” I just shake my head frowning. “Don’t quit your day job...”
“So, what was it that sent you barreling in here?” Twilight asks.
I think about those moments just before Applejack made a convenient arrival with the juice. Thinking about it is sending me a bunch of mixed feelings that in the end come out as a seething boiling mess. “You know those fetting orphans I told you about? There was this cream coloured one with a little yellow bow and gold eyes? Darn it, what was her name...”
“Cream Puff?” Twilight asks me. Wow. That was a seriously derpy moment for me. Why the fuck didn’t I remember that?
“Yes, her. You know how I knew that she was an orphan, Twilight?”
“I just assumed that it was the same way that you know everything about us, H.B.” Twilight replies.
My brow furrows deeply and I glare at her. “No. And for the record, I don’t know everything about you ponies. Just enough. The reason why I know that she was an orphan was in the way that, after I finished the second little story, she looked up at me and said, ‘I like you,’ and then proceeded to ask, ‘Will you be my new mommy?’”
Twilight is looking at me a shocked, confused and sad expression. “W-w-what did you tell her?”
I glare at Twilight and that twitch returns to my left eye. “What could I tell her?!” I switch to my sarcastic ‘derp voice.’ “Sure thing, little filly! I am just on loan from the local Ponyville Mental Ward! I would make the perfect...mommy!” I feel like choking on that last word. Like fuck am I ever going to be a, ‘mommy.’ I am half tempted to get myself neutered if they have the option available. “It was just good timing that’s the moment that Applejack came into the room and they all swarmed her for drinks. I slipped as quickly out of the room and well, you know the rest of the story.”
“Geez. Well, that’s-” Twilight rubs the back of her head.
“Special?” I interject.
“I guess that’s one way of putting it.” She looks up at me. “So do you feel better getting all that out?”
I shake my head. “No...because the moment that I came in here, a new something came to bother me!”
Twilight blinks. “What could possib-”
My hoof juts up in the middle of her sentence. Right, be honest with her. Look her directly in the eye and just say what you need to say. “You’re all having a meeting about me without me!”
Twilight sighs. “Well, it is a meeting about you, H.B.”
“Yes, exactly! And it bothers me that you’re having one-” I begin.
“Well, it feels wrong having a meeting about you with you here,” Twilight interrupts.
I glare at her and cough. “I wasn’t finished, Twilight.”
“Oh, uhm...sorry, please continue,” Twilight replies.
“It bothers me that you are having one without me knowing about it. You six are going to be here...talking...about stuff! Stuff involving me, and ultimately affecting me! And you didn’t tell me that you were having this meeting!” Oh yeah. That was articulate, H.B. What are you going to do for an encore? Tell her that they are also in a place, and that next they’ll be talking about things too?!
Twilight sighs. “Alright, those are fair concerns. We are going to be talking about things that will ultimately affect you. But if it will put your mind at ease, how about after the meeting is over, and the colts and fillies go back to their homes, I tell you exactly what we talked about, and how it will affect you.”
I grind my hoof on the floor. “I guess I can live with that...”
“In exchange, I want you to go back out there and keep those colts and fillies entertained for at least twenty more minutes.” Twilight says. Fuck. I knew there had to be strings attached to that.
Pfft. Oh my god. "I like you. Will you be my new mommy?"
No wonder she went running for the hills.
Nope, I can't do it. Rarity's characterization makes me want to murder you. Bye.
YES new story please update sooooooooooooon i love this story
2207320 Yes, this. I thought that was very hilarious.
yay!
2207432
To be fair, HB antagonized the CRAP out of the Mane Six in her original appearance.
2207591 Don't care. That isn't Rarity. Was hard enough putting up with AJ last story.
Haven't read it, liked and favorited anyway!
Edit: And now that I have read it, I am happy to report me doing that was justified.
You might want to get rid of one of those "hows"...
Haven't begun to read yet but I expect strangling within 4 chapters. And by the end understanding but not necessarily happiness.
considering how long the last 3 stories were, i'm contemplating if i want to hold off on reading this till it is finished..... well food first then i will decide
2207628 Kay! I wish I could say that you'd be missed!
2208122 I was thinking Rarity seemed alittle overboard... then I started remembering the first book. Yeah, it's a long time to hold a grudge, but if anypony was going to hold a months long grudge over something trivial it would be Rarity... especially over something like appearance.
2208293 There are other things that HB has been doing that have been upsetting Rarity. Most of them dealing with this situation, her thoughts on said situation, and the whole "We have had a pony dumped on us" part of the situation. Rarity might soften up after a bit more interaction or she might put her hoof down.
I vote for Cream Puff to be a reoccurring character!
And here I go forgetting how you pace these. How does chapter 40 sound?
Edit: And MARSHMALLOWS!
I swear, one of these days I'm going to read your stuff.
I hope to see Cream Puff torturing HB some more, it's adorable~
omy god.....fangasm need to read
This one's off to a really good start! You have all my want. Deploying fave.
HB SHOULD BE A MAMA JUST TO FUCK WITH TWILIGHT (CAPTAIN CAPSLOCK AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!)
made you a cream puff
i.imagebanana.com/img/5xsjuncg/HB_3_13.png
why do i have this bad feeling that she says that to every mare she been with more than 5 minutes... cream puff, one of the last true horrors of ponyville
Congratulations on getting featured. I didn't think this story series will come out as big as it did when I first saw it.
2209691 Glad to see you here Red Bomber!
Just to get it out there, I have no problem with the Rarity portrayal here. A lot of people seem to make the assumption that the Rarity (or any other character, or else background laws of reality) will be exactly as portrayed in the show. Aside from this being something of a more "realistic" view of Equestria (with MLP FIM being a cartoon version of "Real" Equestria events, similar to cartoon versions of human inhabited realities) Which causes a number of differences innately, I would note that people (or otherwise) can and will change over time as a result of events, and first impressions are very heavy insofar as the weight you give them compared to later interaction. Considering that Rarity was rather thoroughly insulted while HB thought she was dreaming, and with them not being 2-dimensional cartoon characters, but being portrayed as 'real' people, I am not that surprised at Rarity's behavior.
Anyhow. Keep up the good work.
2209714
You too, I just showed up here because one of the featured stories that I watched has updated so it was my cue to take a look at the front page and lo and behold, I found you and your story. ^^ What a surprise!
I hope you don't mind that I only took a look at a couple of the last chapters from your other "books" to see Anthony's progress for a bit.
IT GOOD
What's wrong with Rarity? Seeing that H.B. isn't exatly the easiest pony to be around I would say that the mane six are actually quite loving and caring.
Still like H.B. though.
I haven't started reading as of this post and the Blondie song "Heart Of Glass" Is coming to mind.
Have a Derpy:
H.B is very explosive here, I see. I think she needs to give up on anxiety, fuming and fretting if she's to get some peace.
Is the house depicted in the story image supposed to resemble an abandoned house from an Andy Griffith Show episode? (The one in which Opie or his friend threw a baseball into the house.)
I can safely say that, after reading the first 3 books in their entirety, you have gained a follower. Will H.B. become a one mare CMC as far as destruction potential goes (don't forget the tree sap)?
Also, I noticed a pattern with the chapter counts. 20, 30, 45. Each time, multiplied by 1.5. That math would indicate that this book will have 67.5 chapters, and seeing as .5 chapters isn't possible, I will round up to 68 .
"Mommy" I feel for Anthony,I just hope that he can learn to live with his femaleness, for his own sanity's sake.
2207628
I'm sorry but how isn't this Rarity?
She's a bitch to ponies she actually like in the series, so it makes sense that she'd be something of a cunt when it comes to somepony she dislikes.
Yes she can be nice, but 70%+ of her screen time has her being a prissy unlikeble little hissy bitch.
2217188 I'm sorry, where was she an actual bitch in the series? An argument with AJ, being prissy, and being an attention whore does not make her a bitch. If any pony can be called a bitch, it'd be Rainbow Dash, Trixie, or Blueblood.
2217769
Without even thinking about it, 90% of Sisterhooves Social and the entire episode of Sleepless in Ponyville.
I do agree that Rainbow Dash is more of a bitch tough, mostly because she's second worst pony (after Trixie) and a giant cunt.
2217848 Sisterhooves social. Do you have a younger sibling? I'm going to assume you don't, because, if you did, then you would know just how fucking annoying a kid half your age can be if you practically live with them. And Sleepless in Ponyville? She didn't even want to go camping, but went because her sister wanted to. Sweetie carried the stuff and Rarity was more than nice throughout the whole thing.
Try again.
2217891
I do have a younger sibling, and I treated him about the same as Rarity does Sweetie Belle wich is how I know what a terrible big sister she is, since I was a terrible big brother.
And even if she only went to the camping trip "to be nice to Sweetie" she still acted like a overgrown cunt regardless.
It's quite obvious that I'm no fan of Rarity (being second worst mane6 in my book) and I'm hard pressed to think of moments where she was actually likeable, I can't really remember all the scenes (I do hope you forgive me) so I'll just leave with one last episode.
Sweet and Elite, that entire episode is a typical Rarity moment.
EDIT:
And for the record, doing "the right thing" in the end of Sweet and Elite does not exuse her behavior for the rest of the episode.
After reading other fanfictions, I LOATHE Rarity here. The Empty Room, The Immortal Game, Designing Intrigue... Yeah, your Rarity is a cunt that doesn't even touch upon my head canon. I'll skim the chapters for now, but that's about it. Interest is fading somewhat. Vindictive cunts that turn into Trixie-like levels.... eh.
2217913
Apparently you need to read some actual good stories with Rarity in it. See the italics for ones worth reading. Worst Mane 6 is Fluttershy, cause she a spineless bitch that lets any and everybody push her around. Rarity is actually 2nd best, Twilight takes the throne.
2217927
I have read a few good ones, but that doesn't change that she's a bitch in the show, just like she's in this fic. (although she might be slightly worse here, on account for really dislike both H.B and the general situation.)
2217913 So, she's a bitch for hanging out with the Canterlot Elite, the ponies that can seriously help provide her with income considering she is quite often giving out free stuff because of how generous she is. Her career is vastly important in her life. It's what keeps her from living out on the streets, something that nobody wants to do. She tried to postpone her return to Ponyville so she could 'finish' the dress for Twilight and keep her standing in Canterlot. Again, friends don't pay her to be friends. Her job pays her.
Sure, they would have understood if she had just told them, but she didn't know that, did she? She could only assume that Twi and the others would be furious with her. Please, if you're going to use situations against a pony, use one that isn't something that anybody will do. If you had a choice between living in comfort with effort on your part and postponing your friend's birthday cheer/gift for a day, or having to work extremely hard to get your arguably small customer base to keep coming back just to finish a dress and travel back to Ponyville to celebrate a birthday that can be postponed, then I'm very certain 99% of people would choose option A.
2217927 Two chapters and we've already decided what the whole of the story is about? Darn. I better get more chapters out eh?
2217927 Also. There isn't going to be much in the way of shipping or sex in my stories.
Yay update!!!
This is going to be a good story!
Ohe yeahh, new story, new chapters, now lets dive.
Aw yeah, round four! Finally got a chance to read.
I like the way this is progressing in that all the installments so far have had a kind of different flavor to them, and seem to actually be progressing in some direction - It's not just like a video game where HB has to beat all 6 levels or something, which is a trap a lot of fantastical/high-concept serials fall into.
It sounds like with the "mommy" incident, the gender problem might start eclipsing the pony problem, especially if Rarity is really getting involved.
2228579 Those two problems are primary problems that are like a binary star system.
Now that I am all caught up. I have started wondering why I like this series so much. I have to say, you make the characters so damn human (even (the hell bent on ruining your life) Rarity). Not only must we deal with H.B's problems, but every pony she interacts with has their own and then leaves developing too (Dib, maaan D.I.B.). This series is amazing so far, and I would like to thank you again for writing it. I am ripping out my hair waiting for the next installment. Until then stay classy Jet.
~Momentai
2217950>>2217913 The fact that you two feel the need to argue over this is somewhat silly. Can't we all be friends? It's pretty obvious this story doesn't and won't stick to the exact cannon, but It's the authors head-cannon. Also, who is to say Rarity won't change her attitude towards H.B.? Twilight changed, AppleJack changed. This is an angst-y story, so it would only make sense to take some of the characters flaws and increase their proportions. Other wise there wouldn't be the Dark or Tragedy tags on the story. Just trust that JetBlack will do what authors do and make a good story.
2232799 I'm not even going to bother. This was fun until it wound itself up into a coil ready to spring and then just lost all it's tension. From the way it's going, it's obvious that she's going to change her attitude. You'd have to be a moron not to see that. And, if by some twist of fate that she doesn't, then that just further goes to show that Jet isn't keeping them within character.
2232977 Please don't insult my readers. It isn't nice. Fair warning here.