The Newest Cutie Mark crusader

by Flutterfan30

Well this isn't going to go too well...

The three little fillies were gathered in their clubhouse having a meeting.The one at the front was Apple bloom,a small yellow filly earth pony.She had a crimson red mane,a large pink bow adorned the top of her head.
"So crusaders an idea came to me" she said.
"Whaaaat?!" screamed the others
"Apple bloom you've been muttering on for ages!" shouted the orange Pegasus filly with a purple mane "If only Rainbow Dash had started tutoring you,you are so slow!" Apple Bloom began muttering,realized she was being watched and spoke
"Shh Scootaloo alright I'll inform y'all then"
"Hey!" the unicorn interrupted "have you been learning those fancy words from rarity?"
"Hey how come sweetie belle can interrupt?" Scootaloo asked

"She can't,now both of you shh" Apple Bloom responded "We should get a new member because if there are more ponies m there are more ideas for how to get our cutie marks
"But Apple Bloom,we already have your cousin Babs Seed!" Scootaloo shouted
Apple Bloom said quietly to Scootaloo "Yes but shes all the way in Manehattan"
"I agree" sweetie belle spoke up her pink mane all over the place,if her sister rarity saw her,she was in for a long night.
"So its agreed" said Scootaloo
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER RECRUITERS!" they shouted in unison causing a startled Applejack outside to fall over dropping all the apples she had bucked.
" Apple bloom!" she shouted.Applejack burst into the clubhouse "Now I told y'all to quieten down when me an Mac are working the farm"

A few hours later.....

"Well that killed a lot of time" said Scootaloo.
"Yeah ah get it Scoots" Apple Bloom said in a dull voice.
"Hey look, there's another pony without her cutie mark!" Scootaloo said ignoring Apple Bloom,pointing a small filly by the name of Dinky.
"Hey you!" said Scootaloo.Dinky jumped back startled, her short yellow mane bouncing up and down.
"Y-yes?" Dinky stammered.
"We want y'all to join our club!" Apple Bloom yelled.
"I-is it the cutie mark crusaders?" Dinky asked.
"YEAH!" They shouted in unison."CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS RECRUITERS!" Dinky gulped at this response,she had never quite been so excitable and always preferred relaxing with her being the laid-back type.She began to speak softly
"Oh well ummmm" Scootaloo rolled her eyes and whispered to Apple Bloom
"Wow,has she been taking shyness lessons from Fluttershy?"
"I know right" whispered Apple Bloom.Sweetie Belle looked at them in shock.
"I think its sweet" she spoke up.Scootaloo looked at her.
"Seriously Sweetie Belle,I mean wouldn't it be much better if she was awesome and fast like Rainbow Dash!" In the midst of this conversation Dinky quietly slipped away.Apple Bloom noticed quickly and turned her head to see Dinky running off
"Come on y'all catch her! shouted Apple Bloom.Scootaloo responded immediately as she took off and darted towards Dinky.Unfortunately for little Scoots Dinky was almost as good as Twilight when she was a filly with magic and instantly teleported a few feet away from Scootaloo.Scootaloo however had become great at flying from lessons with Rainbow Dash and instantly took a sharp turn tackling Dinky.Dinky grunted as she got back to her hooves,she sighed
"Fine I will try your club just for a day and we will see how it goes" Dinky thought immediately "I am going to regret this
"Yay!" the other three ponies shouted happily.

"So what should we do first?" asked Apple Bloom excitedly.
"Well can we do something that doesn't get us covered in some sticky substances?" asked Sweetie Belle
"I swear you're becoming more like a dictionary everyday" said Scootaloo.Apple Bloom responded by saying
"Yeah and you're even more like a chicken!" Sweetie laughed and Dinky reluctantly joined in.Scootaloo replied
"Yeah and Fluttershy is a tree"
"Did Dashie not understand that she is not a tree? Oh what a silly filly your flying tutor is Scoots" said Apple Bloom
"Hey! Dashie is awesome!" shouted Scootaloo

"Can we please just decide what to do?" spoke up Dinky.
"Sure! Apple Bloom replied
"How about Ski jumping?" said Scootaloo. Everypony immediately responded
"No!" they burst out laughing.
"Playing music? Sweetie Belle asked
"Nah" said Scootaloo and Apple Bloom
"Oh I know! Mountain Climbing! shouted Scootaloo
"Yeah,CUTIE MARK CRUSADER MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS!" Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle shouted.
"A-are you sure?" asked Dinky.Apple Bloom smiled and said
"It will be fine"
Dinky gulped knowing this was a bad idea
"O-okay"
"Lets get going then girls" said Scootaloo eagerly.
"I-if we are really going to do this shouldn't we prepare for all the possible dangers on a huge mountain?" asked Dinky
"Yeah shes right" said Sweetie Belle
"Okay we will meet back here in two hours then" said Scootaloo

"No you can't climb a huge dangerous dirty mountain" said Sweetie Belle's sister Rarity.
"Awwww come on sis I could bring you diamonds" pleaded Sweetie Belle.Rarity paused,deep in thought.Sweetie
Belle saw her chance and sped out as fast as she could.

Unfortunately for them the others were not having so much luck,well except for Dinky.
"Mommy these nice fillies are taking me on an adventure" said Dinky
"That's very nice of them Dinky" replied Derpy.Doctor Whooves who had been listening interjected with
"Are you sure its a good idea Dinky?"
"Of course it is!" Dinky started to back away.
"It is not a good idea!" shouted the Doctor "Catch her!" Derpy flew in a strange zigzag pattern after Dinky as she went out.
After hitting the wall with a lisp in her voice Derpy said "I just don't know what went wrong!"

Author's Note:

This is my first fan-fiction and hopefully the next chapters should be longer but anyway could I please have some constructive criticism? I would love to improve from following your advice

Comments

[Goodbye]

Well there's quite a few areas that should have been new paragraphs that weren't. In addiation the story seemed rushed and in areas the dialogue seemed forced.

[Scribblestick]

Hi there, and welcome to Fimfiction! I'm Scribblestick the chill, here to offer some friendly writing advice. I noticed your story isn't getting much positive feedback, so rather than just leave a snarky comment, I thought I'd give your story a read and see if I can give you some constructive tips. Let's get started, shall we?

-First Impressions-

When I first read the title and saw the upvote/downvote ratio, I expected to see a self-insert OC joining the CMC. That's not at all the case, so that's good. The word "Crusader" should be capitalized, since it's part of the title.

One thing you'll notice about Fimfic is that, in general, the people here have higher standards than what you'd see on other fanfic sites. I try not to harp too much on mechanics, but poor punctuation and grammar in your description can be a real deterrent for potential readers. Make sure proper names are always capitalized (you missed a "Dinky"), and make sure you put a space after every comma. These may seem like small things, but they're distracting for a reader and can give the impression that you don't care very much about details.

Also, the description is a little redundant. For example:

Will dinky ever join the three on their epic adventures? This is a story about the Cutie mark Crusaders trying to recruit Dinky

These two sentences tell me the same thing. Look for sentences and phrases that repeat each other and get rid of the duplicates. It'll make you look more professional and capable as a writer.

Finally, and this is perhaps a pet peeve of mine, but I don't like it when writers use the phrase "dear reader." It pulls me out of the story and feels patronizing.

On the bright side, you have a good cover image for this story, and it looks like you've used the genre and character tags correctly. Perhaps it seems odd that I'm spending so much time on the cover rather than the actual story, but a good cover is important if you want to pick up readers. People can and do judge an entire story based on the description alone, so just as much effort should go into crafting a good description as crafting a good story..

-The Story-

The very first thing I noticed about the story was the mechanics. Like I said earlier, punctuation marks (commas, periods, etc) should have a space between them and the next word. Otherwise, the words look jumbled and squished together, which makes the story a little difficult to read. Make sure every quotation ends with some kind of punctuation. I think you got all the exclamation points, but a lot of them don't have anything at all when they need a period or comma. Also, make sure all your proper nouns (names and such) are capitalized.

Another thing I think you should work on is your pacing and detail. The story is almost entirely made of dialogue, which is difficult to do effectively. Add more narration. Paint the scene with words. What does the town look like? What about Dinky's house? What's the state of the Boutique when Sweetie Belle talks to Rarity? Describe the characters' expressions and body language, too. This is a great way to convey emotions and attitudes without making it boring.

Get rid of unnecessary exposition as well. If you don't know, exposition is when you just explain something to the reader, either through narration or dialogue. Sometimes you have to do it, but it gets boring pretty quickly. Apple Bloom's physical description at the beginning in one thing you could cut without losing anything in the story. We're all fans of the show here, and we know what Apple Bloom looks like. If you do keep it, try to work it in with the action of the story or with body language. "Apple Bloom shot Scootaloo a scowl, her red mane flopping over her eyes," for example. The CMC's relationships with other characters like Babs, Dash, and Rarity tended to get in the way, too. Again, we know these characters and how they're connected to each other. Unless there's a reason you need to bring it up in this story, it's probably best to avoid it.

I noticed several instances where the characters' dialogue was based heavily on fandom jokes and show references (Scoots being a chicken, Fluttershy being a tree, etc.). While these can be fun and used effectively, they shouldn't be thrown around just for fun. They distract the reader from your story by making them think about something else (a running joke or an episode), so use them with caution and good reason.

I'd like to see stronger characters as well. The CMC were okay, but not particularly strong, and I didn't really get much from Dinky at all. For me, the characters are what make a story interesting. The plot may be familiar, but it's the unique aspects different people bring to the plot that make a story interesting to me. If the characters are hollow or underdeveloped, I tend to lose interest. Better descriptions, particularly body language, will help you here, I think. Also, look for ways to increase the conflict. We have Dinky reluctantly joining the CMC, so why not have her try to weasel out of the unwanted adventure by saying her mom won't let her? That kind of thing will show us more about the characters and raise the stakes as well.

-Final Thoughts-

As far as first stories go, this is far from the worst I've seen. My biggest suggestion is to seek help from other writers who've had a lot of experience. I've heard good things about School for New Writers, and WRITE is a good source if you want more one-on-one feedback. There are a ton of other writer support and editor groups out there, so check them out. Some people (like me) even have blogs about general writing advice, so you might look into those as well.

Well, that's all from me. I hope this has been helpful. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to contact me, though I can't promise a quick response (life's pretty busy nowadays). Best of luck!

~Scribblestick, Fimfic's notoriously friendly reviewer

[Flutterfan30]

2218017 I'll be sure to work on it and thanks giving negative feedback without being a troll without any reasons for it.

[Mudpony]

This is my first fan-fiction and hopefully the next chapters should be longer but anyway could I please have some constructive criticism? I would love to improve from following your advice

On the chance that this is serious and the story is not a troll-fic (and I don't think it is a troll-fic, they tend to have a different feel)...

First, you need to proofread and fix grammatical errors.

There's a lot of sentences that don't have ending punctuation. Two examples:

"Mommy these nice fillies are taking me on an adventure" said Dinky
Dinky gulped knowing this was a bad idea

There's multiple cases where you don't have spaces between sentences or after commas. The first paragraph as an example:

The three little fillies were gathered in their clubhouse having a meeting.The one at the front was Apple bloom,a small yellow filly earth pony.She had a crimson red mane,a large pink bow adorned the top of her head.

And a comma example (which should also have a comma after "them" and "well"):

Unfortunately for them the others were not having so much luck,well except for Dinky.

Capitalization:
Your description doesn't capitalize the first Dinky or the mark in Cutie Mark Crusaders. The story title doesn't have crusader capitalized. The first instance of Apple Bloom in the story doesn't have Bloom capitalized, as a few quick examples.

Next up, you put the conversation attribution (he said, she shouted, everypony responded) in a separate paragraph from the actual conversation frequently. Not supposed to do that. This:

"Yeah and you're even more like a chicken!" Sweetie laughed and Dinky reluctantly joined in.Scootaloo replied

"Yeah and Fluttershy is a tree"

Should look like:

"Yeah, and you're even more like a chicken!" Sweetie laughed, and Dinky reluctantly joined in.

Scootaloo replied, "Yeah, and Fluttershy is a tree."

Conversation grammar on the whole needs work. When addressing someone, you aren't properly putting commas around the addressee. Missing commas at the end of the quoted section before the attribution. Read the conversation section in EZN's guide. Lots of examples of what to do.

Also, in that example, both bits of conversation start with "yeah". You probably want to vary that a bit.

On a general grammar note, I like this site. I'd suggest reading the section on commas at the least, though I'd say the site is well worth bookmarking.

---

Beyond grammar, you'll probably want to slow things down a bit and flesh out the details a bit more. EZN's guide has a section on show vs tell that you may wish to check out. Worth reading to see how you can make things a bit more descriptive. I'd suggest reading the entire guide, actually. But mostly, just relax and take it a bit slower.

I'd also say you're trying a little too hard to toss in things from the show and/or fanon. Chicken, tree, all the mane 6, Derpy catch-phrase, Dr. Hooves, all get referenced and/or show up, in barely a thousand words. Sure, some people may find it cute, but it does not add much too the story if they are all just dumped in there. References should generally be a bit more subtle, able to stand on their own, but adding a bit of extra value for those that get it. Take your time with those things too. The story isn't marked as complete, so you've got time to use these things later.

And that's all I've got for now.

[Sweetiebellema121]

a bit fast paced but not too bad

[BenRG]

Potentially an interesting idea but not very well executed. It's too fast and it doesn't really tell the story well.