• Member Since 16th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen July 11th

Nevdar


T
Source

If the Everfree forest was your home since birth, what would it be like to visit a town for the first time, as well as other ponies? With one small catch. Nopony can actually see you. Eclipse was in this exact situation. But there may also be mysterious forces at work in Equestria. A force that may change a certain pony. But for good or for bad is yet to be seen.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 5 )

Bleh, I hate to see a story with zero comments. That's the double-edged sword of this site having so many stories--lots of them slip by unnoticed. Just a general tip for that, I would guess that using a pony creator game to make your story's cover picture is probably the very worst way to pick up interest, and OC stories are already pretty difficult to draw much attention.

For the story itself, the concept isn't bad, but there are some things you need to work on. The prologue especially moves along very quickly, feeling kind of condensed, but the actual chapter 1 is more interesting. The magical fog scene was intriguing, although I have no idea how it relates to the rest of the story so far. And again, her first attempt to visit Ponyville seemed like it went by really quickly, when I would have expected that to be pretty much the most important scene. I guess the plan is to have her go back again, though.

There's also some grammar issues that could use some improvement, mainly your tendency to use fragmented sentences, such as, "A beam of bright sunlight filtered through the trees and light fog around the pond. Shinning down onto a small island in the middle of the pond. A small tree in the middle with multicolored beautiful flowers surrounding it." The first two chunks should be a single sentence, and the third isn't a complete sentence either. Plus "shinning" should only have one N.

So, I don't know if you plan to continue this story, considering how little attention it received, but if you're going to, I'll track it to see where you take it.

You bring up some very good points. the reason I used the creator was because I really don't know any artists and can't afford any commissions. I have felt that I have alway had the problem to rush through things in my stories. I know that it is a good concept for a story, I just hope that I can deliver it well. I can see everything in my head and how I want it to go. I guess I just have a problem when it comes to lightening it. but your comment is very much appreciated. I want to continue it because it won't go away until I do.

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Oh, I just noticed you made a reply.

Anyway yeah, getting a good cover picture can be tricky for some stories. If nothing else, you can add your character into a screenshot of the Everfree Forest's edge or some such, and probably make her mostly transparent to show her ghostly attribute.

Very nice. :twilightsmile: I've never been able to write for Zecora before, as I am terrible with rhyming.

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Yeah I found zecora and celestia to be the hardest to write for to make it sound believable and in character. But I did my best at the time.

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