Well, we all knew the shit was going to hit the fan. Poor Twilight, I actually feel more sorry for her than I do for Rainbow, although they both have a lot of pain to deal with.
Oh yeah, this was good. My inner evil side is disappointed that we didn't get to see lasting enslavement, but that's alright. There's plenty of time yet. Very good update, I'm glad I checked my fav list one last time before heading off to bed.
3710031 Don't worry, things get better soon. It's more of a 'confusing revelations' vibe I'm going for than 'tragic event drives a permanent wedge'. It'd be too easy, and not make for much of a story. As it stands, things just need time to cool down and process.
3710047 Oh I know, and I'm looking forward to it. I was just feeling very sad about Twilight. Feeling like she would only be loved if she made someone love her, poor thing. Especially as it isn't true, any mare or stallion would be lucky to have her.
3710114 Actually, if you like that notion, maybe this little tidbit can interest you: originally, Twilight admitted she started thinking like Discord, and stated she finally understood why Discord agreed to stop doing evil things (kinda). It was the same principle: he can warp a pony's mind to be his friend, but that still leaves him knowing he has to force others to care about him. And for clarity's sake: I didn't mean for Twilight to imply she thinks no one cares about her. She was focused on Rainbow Dash at that point. But any interpretation works, really.
Anywho, glad you enjoy it, and see you next week/next year
I'm so glad that this chapter went the way it did. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy full on sex slave stories from time to time. However, I am really tired of so many non-consensual mind control stories and it's extremely rare to find something that isn't. I don't think I've seen one on any of the sites I browse in over a year. This story (while very heavy at the moment) is refreshing and is basically scratching a very long standing itch.
Now as for this chapter itself. This is gold and silver. The emotions of the characters, the desires, all of it. Moreover it's believable to me in how both Rainbow and Twilight would act. Twilight was emotionally hurt and lashing out, but the moment she almost crossed the line she realized that she wasn't just gaining a pet but also throwing away a friend. (If Twilight had gone through with it, I don't think I would have believed the story anymore) Even so, she almost lost her and if she had been using magic instead of hypnosis, she might have. By the end (and this is just how I interpret it) I understand Twilight's fear and her complete and utter relief. She truly feels that even if Rainbow were to hold it against her for a long time, that it'd be worth it to have her friend still be her friend. And Rainbow, her hurt and confusion is tempered with desire as a part of her truly wanted it and... honestly I understand her position as I have imagined myself in it and it scares me how much you can want something and not want something.
I teared up because I could truly put myself in both characters' hooves. This chapter is amazing.
3710142 Sir, you just made my day with that comment. Thanks for the feedback, it quelled the biggest of my fears. The point of the story was to do something new with a 'feature-bait' concept, sort of like one of my other flagship stories was. It was a big worry if the emotions felt real, so knowing that it works for some, at least, is a huge relief.
Aaaaah! Nice one! You keep me interested. I am actually very glad that Rainbow maintained her self and Twilight managed to step back from her control attempt. I just hope they get over it an together soon.
So, I know I've been ranting and raving about the characters, and... you nailed it. Really, you did. Both Rainbow and Twilight felt so real, and the emotions and actions were spot on, at least as far as I see them. The way you ended it leaves room for more slave play, but consensual this time.
Really, duder, you knocked this one out of the park.
3710445 Phew. You had me worried there, dude. Seriously, this Mother Hubbard chapter was scary, especially after what happened on those other two fics with a little mood whiplash in'em. Anyway, stay tuned for next week, when Scootaloo and Cadence get involved. But not in the gutter-mind kinda way.
3710158 Well, this story has thus far impressed me and this was the chapter that worried me the most. I could see the build up to it and I saw some of your comments or something that implied that it could go either way. I'm not saying I'm expecting everything to become sunshine and rainbows (Yeah I know that was bad) again, at least not immediately, but I'm glad that it seems like it's heading for a happier ending instead of a darker one.
I'll have to read some of your other stuff... you know, if I can get past my usual laziness and all. This is good writing and I think I should see more (especially while waiting for new chapters of this story)
I wasn't aware it was even possible for Cadance to get involved in a non-gutter sort of way. Isn't making everything awkward and full of innuendo her special talent?
3715813 I mean she won't be doing any kinky stuff... although, I suddenly find myself tempted. I haven't written anything past part 2 of the threeparter yet, it's still kinda open.
That's the problem with my type of writer: the stories are scene-based, meaning characters will get to certain points. The writing process is character-based, so decisions made by the characters drive the story and as such can deviate from the intended scenes. So Cadence might pop up in a bigger role, but I doubt it. Then again, I wound up not using the idea of Rainbow hypnotising Scootaloo, too, and that was supposed to be a key scene (but not the way you think, I'll explain in an A/N).
I imagine it would have been a key scene for Rainbow Dash in terms of what she thinks of hypnosis or Twilight's actions. Scootaloo can't really know any details of Rainbow Dash's problems or what she's been hypnotized for.
Is it bad if I wanted things to go differently? I think it would have been interesting to see Rainbow Dash mentally fight off Twilight a bit more. Maybe to the point where Twilight would not need to help Rainbow reclaim her self. Rainbow would have done that already. I guess I really enjoy stories of characters over coming obstacles and the mind can be very interesting to over come. I still like the way things turned out, though. Looking forward to the next chapter.
When I first saw this story, I was expecting something light hearted, something comedic and/or cute. I wasn't expecting it to be this serious, and I definitely didn't expect it to nearly go into dark territory. Before you get worried, I not going to stop reading and I certainly won't take back my thumbs up; I have never found a genre that I inherently dislike, provided it's well written, which this most certainly is.
My only criticism is that the description and especially the cover image don't really let you know what this story is like. I have no idea how exactly to improve them, though. I just feel that they should be changed.
Like has been said before, I don't think I was prepared for what I was starting to read.
I'm not upset in the slightest though. Keep this up, please. I'm pleasantly surprised to find more than the three chapters that were published when I originally downloaded this, so here's to me getting to read more already.
3723430 Fair point. The main issue is that the overall tone of the story is quite light-hearted, so it's still fairly accurate on the average. As for where it's not, the biggest problem is that it's being written as it's being published. I'm about four chapters ahead of you, and aside from the key scenes to get to where it needs to be I don't know what happens myself. I'm following outlines, sure, but I'm the type of writer who gets into the heads of characters to let things take their course, while the story's design is based on key scenes I want to portray (you can usually tell which type of scene is key and which came later). There are scenes that I plan that just don't end up in the final product, and there are scenes that I didn't plan on, but happen anyway.
But I'll be sure to look into a better description to warn people of the darker edges, it's only fair. As for the cover pic, it's the only screenshot I could find that kinda fit. Rainbow on a therpist chair out in the open didn't quite work for my purposes.
This chapter was surprising in a good way. It did not take any of the directions I had expected. Turning to total depravity would seem rushed and Twilight airing out her feelings was very nice. I actually like the tension this has left behind and I'm still into this story.
I really think you could have added at least another couple thousand words to the clop scene alone. It was much too short, and it wasn't very descriptive. Besides that, it was a good chapter.
3736628 Fair point, and I will try to remember addressing it later on. I think there's two minor mentions of it in future chapters, and one full conversation on the topic that I still need to write. Thanks for pointing it out, I might have forgotten that one.
I like how this panned out—it was tense without having everything go completely to hell. The sex was a little underwhelming, but then, I don't know how hot it could reasonably be expected to be given the context.
*not having read the whole chapter yet* HA! Even in trance and turned into a slave Dash can tell something is wrong with Twilight! Take notes you stupid unicorn!
Twilight let her head hang. “I did. And I know that’s wrong, I didn’t mean to force you into anything, well, sexual. It’s just that that’s the only way I know to fix the mess I made of things.”
Must... not... write... thousand-word... rant on... outdated social concepts...
Ugh...
I hope to god that this story doesn't descend into some rape-y, non-consent-y, no-love-involved type thing. I mean, the hypnotism seems like border-line rape to me, already. Like, hypnotism just makes me do things I enjoy, but if I do enjoy them, I should still be able to refuse to do them.
Like, I enjoy clopping to foalcon. But I would at least like to be able not to admit that to a therapist, y'know?
Oh, well. This is a good story, and I'm gonna keep reading.
Youve managed to juggle all the conflicting emotions in this chapter whilst still building the tension between the two protagonists. V.enjoyable holiday reading. Liked/faved. Well done!
“You were just going to let it happen. I didn’t force you to listen or tie you down or drug you, you could’ve woken up anytime you wanted. Why were you going to let me take your life away?”
When it's someone that you trust that deeply, you can really go farther than you'd expect in a trance.
Given that Rainbow wants to not be in control, wants to be told what to do, wants to trust Twilight, and feels safe with Twilight, that response from Rainbow is NOT that unreasonable. It isn't far enough, fast enough, to trigger any sort of "Hell NO!" response that would bring you out of a deep trance.
The alicorn nodded. “Anything that lets you submit to a more powerful, more dominant pony, then. Is that right?”
This. She's submitting to a powerful, dominant Twilight. Note that it was not "more dominant stallion", but "more dominant pony", and also note that so far, Rainbow has not been able to masterbate to images of stallions, but was able to masterbate to an image of Twilight.
In Chapter 5, we have Rainbow's one instance of climax/release, to Your Highness, Master Twilight. Chapter 4 and 6 show attempts at masterbating to "Stallion", and failure; it's only to Twilight. And between a first, and strong intensity, and probably not knowing how to process that level of pleasure, there's a connection between trusting Twilight, Friend Twilight, being hot/pleasured/orgasm and Twilight, etc. Top that off with the whole change in drop style / pattern interrupt / losing control to Twilight, then Rainbow's deep trust for her results in effectively no limit line.
You know, I was very close to saying that Twilight was being OOC-levels of foolish. Then I remembered everything she does in canon. Then I remembered that my favorite character is Starlight. Suffice to say that I no longer have that concern.
Well, we all knew the shit was going to hit the fan. Poor Twilight, I actually feel more sorry for her than I do for Rainbow, although they both have a lot of pain to deal with.
Part of me hoped for Dash getting turned into a sex slave.
Part of me is also glad that it didn't happen
Oh yeah, this was good.
My inner evil side is disappointed that we didn't get to see lasting enslavement, but that's alright. There's plenty of time yet.
Very good update, I'm glad I checked my fav list one last time before heading off to bed.
3710031
Don't worry, things get better soon. It's more of a 'confusing revelations' vibe I'm going for than 'tragic event drives a permanent wedge'. It'd be too easy, and not make for much of a story. As it stands, things just need time to cool down and process.
3710047 Oh I know, and I'm looking forward to it. I was just feeling very sad about Twilight. Feeling like she would only be loved if she made someone love her, poor thing. Especially as it isn't true, any mare or stallion would be lucky to have her.
3710114
Actually, if you like that notion, maybe this little tidbit can interest you: originally, Twilight admitted she started thinking like Discord, and stated she finally understood why Discord agreed to stop doing evil things (kinda). It was the same principle: he can warp a pony's mind to be his friend, but that still leaves him knowing he has to force others to care about him. And for clarity's sake: I didn't mean for Twilight to imply she thinks no one cares about her. She was focused on Rainbow Dash at that point. But any interpretation works, really.
Anywho, glad you enjoy it, and see you next week/next year
I'm so glad that this chapter went the way it did. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy full on sex slave stories from time to time. However, I am really tired of so many non-consensual mind control stories and it's extremely rare to find something that isn't. I don't think I've seen one on any of the sites I browse in over a year. This story (while very heavy at the moment) is refreshing and is basically scratching a very long standing itch.
Now as for this chapter itself. This is gold and silver. The emotions of the characters, the desires, all of it. Moreover it's believable to me in how both Rainbow and Twilight would act. Twilight was emotionally hurt and lashing out, but the moment she almost crossed the line she realized that she wasn't just gaining a pet but also throwing away a friend. (If Twilight had gone through with it, I don't think I would have believed the story anymore) Even so, she almost lost her and if she had been using magic instead of hypnosis, she might have. By the end (and this is just how I interpret it) I understand Twilight's fear and her complete and utter relief. She truly feels that even if Rainbow were to hold it against her for a long time, that it'd be worth it to have her friend still be her friend. And Rainbow, her hurt and confusion is tempered with desire as a part of her truly wanted it and... honestly I understand her position as I have imagined myself in it and it scares me how much you can want something and not want something.
I teared up because I could truly put myself in both characters' hooves. This chapter is amazing.
3710142
Sir, you just made my day with that comment. Thanks for the feedback, it quelled the biggest of my fears. The point of the story was to do something new with a 'feature-bait' concept, sort of like one of my other flagship stories was. It was a big worry if the emotions felt real, so knowing that it works for some, at least, is a huge relief.
And don't worry; there will be laughs again, too.
Aaaaah! Nice one! You keep me interested.
I am actually very glad that Rainbow maintained her self and Twilight managed to step back from her control attempt. I just hope they get over it an together soon.
So, I know I've been ranting and raving about the characters, and... you nailed it. Really, you did. Both Rainbow and Twilight felt so real, and the emotions and actions were spot on, at least as far as I see them. The way you ended it leaves room for more slave play, but consensual this time.
Really, duder, you knocked this one out of the park.
3710445
Phew. You had me worried there, dude. Seriously, this Mother Hubbard chapter was scary, especially after what happened on those other two fics with a little mood whiplash in'em. Anyway, stay tuned for next week, when Scootaloo and Cadence get involved. But not in the gutter-mind kinda way.
Good lord, dude. Another amazing chapter. This is starting to become one of my favorites.
Rainbow nearly passes the breaking point, Twilight slams on the breaks, and they both decide to take a break.
Good chapter.
Phew! Yay for Twilight saving herself!
Though bad for Twilight trying it in the first place without Dashie's permission in her regular headspace.
Good Fucking Job! this chapter felt real and was written very well.
3710158
Well, this story has thus far impressed me and this was the chapter that worried me the most. I could see the build up to it and I saw some of your comments or something that implied that it could go either way. I'm not saying I'm expecting everything to become sunshine and rainbows (Yeah I know that was bad) again, at least not immediately, but I'm glad that it seems like it's heading for a happier ending instead of a darker one.
I'll have to read some of your other stuff... you know, if I can get past my usual laziness and all. This is good writing and I think I should see more (especially while waiting for new chapters of this story)
Well this clears the air between them and hopefully opens up some doors.
I am excited to see where this leads.
3710450
I wasn't aware it was even possible for Cadance to get involved in a non-gutter sort of way. Isn't making everything awkward and full of innuendo her special talent?
3715813
I mean she won't be doing any kinky stuff... although, I suddenly find myself tempted. I haven't written anything past part 2 of the threeparter yet, it's still kinda open.
That's the problem with my type of writer: the stories are scene-based, meaning characters will get to certain points. The writing process is character-based, so decisions made by the characters drive the story and as such can deviate from the intended scenes. So Cadence might pop up in a bigger role, but I doubt it. Then again, I wound up not using the idea of Rainbow hypnotising Scootaloo, too, and that was supposed to be a key scene (but not the way you think, I'll explain in an A/N).
3715855
I imagine it would have been a key scene for Rainbow Dash in terms of what she thinks of hypnosis or Twilight's actions. Scootaloo can't really know any details of Rainbow Dash's problems or what she's been hypnotized for.
Is it bad if I wanted things to go differently? I think it would have been interesting to see Rainbow Dash mentally fight off Twilight a bit more. Maybe to the point where Twilight would not need to help Rainbow reclaim her self. Rainbow would have done that already. I guess I really enjoy stories of characters over coming obstacles and the mind can be very interesting to over come. I still like the way things turned out, though. Looking forward to the next chapter.
I need to file a bug report: it seems I can only give this story a single thumbs up. Really egregious site design, right there.
When I first saw this story, I was expecting something light hearted, something comedic and/or cute. I wasn't expecting it to be this serious, and I definitely didn't expect it to nearly go into dark territory. Before you get worried, I not going to stop reading and I certainly won't take back my thumbs up; I have never found a genre that I inherently dislike, provided it's well written, which this most certainly is.
My only criticism is that the description and especially the cover image don't really let you know what this story is like. I have no idea how exactly to improve them, though. I just feel that they should be changed.
Like has been said before, I don't think I was prepared for what I was starting to read.
I'm not upset in the slightest though. Keep this up, please. I'm pleasantly surprised to find more than the three chapters that were published when I originally downloaded this, so here's to me getting to read more already.
3723430
Fair point. The main issue is that the overall tone of the story is quite light-hearted, so it's still fairly accurate on the average. As for where it's not, the biggest problem is that it's being written as it's being published. I'm about four chapters ahead of you, and aside from the key scenes to get to where it needs to be I don't know what happens myself. I'm following outlines, sure, but I'm the type of writer who gets into the heads of characters to let things take their course, while the story's design is based on key scenes I want to portray (you can usually tell which type of scene is key and which came later). There are scenes that I plan that just don't end up in the final product, and there are scenes that I didn't plan on, but happen anyway.
But I'll be sure to look into a better description to warn people of the darker edges, it's only fair. As for the cover pic, it's the only screenshot I could find that kinda fit. Rainbow on a therpist chair out in the open didn't quite work for my purposes.
This chapter was surprising in a good way. It did not take any of the directions I had expected. Turning to total depravity would seem rushed and Twilight airing out her feelings was very nice. I actually like the tension this has left behind and I'm still into this story.
I really think you could have added at least another couple thousand words to the clop scene alone. It was much too short, and it wasn't very descriptive. Besides that, it was a good chapter.
3736628
Fair point, and I will try to remember addressing it later on. I think there's two minor mentions of it in future chapters, and one full conversation on the topic that I still need to write. Thanks for pointing it out, I might have forgotten that one.
I like how this panned out—it was tense without having everything go completely to hell. The sex was a little underwhelming, but then, I don't know how hot it could reasonably be expected to be given the context.
*not having read the whole chapter yet* HA! Even in trance and turned into a slave Dash can tell something is wrong with Twilight! Take notes you stupid unicorn!
4204649 *after having read the whole chapter* Well, that was a textbook case of "Way too close"...
Must... not... write... thousand-word... rant on... outdated social concepts...
Ugh...
I hope to god that this story doesn't descend into some rape-y, non-consent-y, no-love-involved type thing. I mean, the hypnotism seems like border-line rape to me, already. Like, hypnotism just makes me do things I enjoy, but if I do enjoy them, I should still be able to refuse to do them.
Like, I enjoy clopping to foalcon. But I would at least like to be able not to admit that to a therapist, y'know?
Oh, well. This is a good story, and I'm gonna keep reading.
That was pretty much the definition of way too close. Jeez Twilight, be careful.
Youve managed to juggle all the conflicting emotions in this chapter whilst still building the tension between the two protagonists.
V.enjoyable holiday reading. Liked/faved.
Well done!
When it's someone that you trust that deeply, you can really go farther than you'd expect in a trance.
Given that Rainbow wants to not be in control, wants to be told what to do, wants to trust Twilight, and feels safe with Twilight, that response from Rainbow is NOT that unreasonable. It isn't far enough, fast enough, to trigger any sort of "Hell NO!" response that would bring you out of a deep trance.
This. She's submitting to a powerful, dominant Twilight. Note that it was not "more dominant stallion", but "more dominant pony", and also note that so far, Rainbow has not been able to masterbate to images of stallions, but was able to masterbate to an image of Twilight.
In Chapter 5, we have Rainbow's one instance of climax/release, to Your Highness, Master Twilight. Chapter 4 and 6 show attempts at masterbating to "Stallion", and failure; it's only to Twilight. And between a first, and strong intensity, and probably not knowing how to process that level of pleasure, there's a connection between trusting Twilight, Friend Twilight, being hot/pleasured/orgasm and Twilight, etc. Top that off with the whole change in drop style / pattern interrupt / losing control to Twilight, then Rainbow's deep trust for her results in effectively no limit line.
You know, I was very close to saying that Twilight was being OOC-levels of foolish. Then I remembered everything she does in canon. Then I remembered that my favorite character is Starlight. Suffice to say that I no longer have that concern.