At the time of writing, I've got about half of the final chapter done: the tame one. The final sex scene... that's gonna be a tricky thing to get right.
3965521 I'm sure you will pull it off nicely anyway. Though... I am not sure how far the dom/sub thing actually influences their romantic relationship. I mean Dash said in an earlier chapter that she doesn't want to be only the pet and more whatever she likes but right now she seems totally submissive to Twilight pretty much all of the time, except the little bantering before the sex...
3966859 Yeah, I edited that piece of dialogue to make it clearer. The major thing to take away from that was that while Twilight is a natural dominant, Rainbow Dash is not a natural submissive. Twilight's enjoyment comes directly from having control over the situation, but Rainbow Dash's enjoyment comes from letting go and becoming something other than what she usually is. Because she feels she's embarrassed herself so often, the idea that what she is can change is a very appealing one (see also her pep talk with Scootaloo earlier in the story).
Thing is, that distinction would only become relevant if they ever split up: Rainbow Dash can be in a normal relationship and enjoy it, indulging in her fantasies by, say, reading or writing (which fits her fandom for Daring Do in canon). Twilight, however, would need to find someone who is into D/s play. I'm no expert, but as far as I know there are a lot of different degrees of attachment to identity in the BDSM community. Some do it as a hobby, some do it as a lifestyle, some do it to try and find some middle ground between their daily lives and their dark sides.
In this story, Twilight and Rainbow stay together because they match up on several levels. They do what they do because they both enjoy it, and they both get something very useful out of it. Rainbow Dash can't embarrass herself or make a mistake under Twilight's control. Twilight is free to take as much control as she wants, while still keeping Rainbow's feelings in mind. They do it because it works for them, and there's no real incentive to stop doing it (yet).
3968351 Cry with laughter or sadness? Because Spike's question can be taken two ways, and that was on purpose.
Huh. I have several guesses regarding Scootaloo, but I don't want to spell it out for people reading the comments. I'll keep them to myself, wait, and see.
I call bat ponies "chiroptera" (singular chiropteron) myself. I'd forgotten about the Potter thestrals, and taxonomy seemed like a better source of inspiration in any case. I didn't go as specific as you did, though. Kudos for that, especially finding something that works on multiple symbolic levels.
In any case, looks like it's time to face the music. I look forward to it.
3970163 Hmm... chiroptera... yeah, that works too. Mainly I went with Rousettus because all pegasi are named after one, legendary creature called Pegasus, so it makes sense to imply one big progenitor for bat ponies, too. Besides which, it was convenient. Pegasus ponies, Rousettus ponies, pegasi, rousettes.
Rousettes eh? Sounds more like a flower. I have also heard the term Nocturnes used as well. I'm just glad that Bat Ponies is not being used. Just sounds kinda lazy to me since they are their own kind of pony. My OC is half Nocturne so I tend to go on and on about this kind of stuff. Interesting chapter by the way. Can't wait for the exciting conclusion.
3971413 Heheh. That's what I was aiming for . It's still clop, but romantic clop.
3973764 Nocturne's a good term, too. I wonder why I didn't think of it... well, I guess part of the reason I wouldn't use it here (but in other stories, maybe) would be that nocturne implies 'nocturnal', and I don't define the race enough to say they're nocturnal. They're a side note, and Rainbow's response demands several equivalent terms, while Nocturne has... night pony, maybe? That, and I've already used League of Legends references before, and some people might get the wrong idea and think I'm describing ponies with arm blades... which wouldn't be such a bad idea, actually .
That was a great chapter The sex scene was quite vivid, at least the parts Rainbow woke up on. I can't wait to see what comes of the talk with Spike Also I wonder if they will ever tell their friends about their relationship I WANT MOAR SOON If that is alright with you
3975102 Updates are weekly. The only chapter that's not done yet is the final one, because real life messed me up slightly. It should be done by the weekend, and after that I can put this story to rest. There should be two or three more chapters before that, but those are written out. So more is coming
Never seen that term be used before and I don't think it would make much sense in other fics than bat ponies or thestrales, but here it fits because of the already introduced pony breeds, so it's good. :)
>“Of course not, Rainbow Dash, why would I? I think it’s very endearing that Twilight would accompany you to such a place. I can’t imagine it was easy for her to admit she was clueless.”
“Umm, yeah, it wasn’t.”
Lolz XDDD Rare gonna be so embaressed when she finds out the entire truth. XD
>Let’s hope Twilight never masters that mare-to-stallion spell, then.
Awwww, come on, RD! It would be a whole new experience of submission if your mistress becomes a master, you could try it out once at least and see if you like it if your master smells "stronger and more powerful" than you do instead of lavender. XD
Liked the sex scenes between Twi and RD and it looks like they liked it both too much given that Spike surprised them in the bathroom when they believed to still have enough time. Either that or Spike came back earlier. Anyway, looks like Twi will have to tell Spike the truth as I don't think she and RD can come up with a believing lie that Spike would accept. Plus I think Twi doesn't like it that much to keep secrets from Spike, expect they are as personal as this one, but even then she would like to include him in her little secret given that she knows him her whole life and he her. :)
3975193 Sad to think that this story is already going to be over. For a story with "erotic mind control" in the title, there's been a lot of *talking* about it but very little actually *doing* any of it. What little there is has been very fun and well-written, so it's even more disappointing that there isn't more of it especially now that they're both finally completely comfortable with the idea. Ah well, I guess I'm used to this from stories involving this subject by now. Everyone always seems to bail out right when it's really getting started. Lack of fetish material aside, this is a really good story just as a story so for that you should be proud!
3985174 Let's see... -the story has to end at some point, and while a lot of this has been unplanned, the ending was pretty definite from the get-go. I get the feedback that people want more of a certain story all the time, and it's really hard to deal with it. On one hand I appreciate that people enjoy it, on the other I don't like getting stuck as writing just one thing. It's one of the reasons I don't use more of Scootaloo in this story.
-as for the lack of fetish material: the idea was to show how fetishes blend with real life, and... yeah, I'm not entirely happy with how the ratios turned out, either. I've had bouts of writer's block on and off while writing this, and sex scenes, especially the fetishy kind, are really, really hard to get right and on paper and not feel forced. Even as it stands, I think it does come off as forced, because both ponies have busy schedules. Another issue with adding more sex scenes is: there's no progression. The story needs to keep going, one way or another. There's only so many different scenes I can really write that make sense within the story's context. One was planned and got cut simply because it didn't fit anymore. It's not so much that I bail out, because this isn't the first porn I've written (though the ones before this one were terrible), but just that... I'm not smart enough to add more. I've not done a proper sexual story with actual plot or depth yet, so this is kind of a new thing.
I guess what it boils down to is: the story was supposed to be a clopfic that wasn't like stereotypical clopfics, and it ended up barely being a clopfic at all. In the end, it really is a story about Rainbow Dash discovering erotic mind control, whereas Twilight was already familiar with the concept, and she started embracing it in earnest. As a clopfic, I agree it's not that up to snuff. As a story on its own, I'm glad you like it .
-the overuse of talking is something that creeps into all my stories, it's part of my personal style/ the most annoying flaw in my writing (scratch depending on preference). The only way I can really avoid it is if I plan out my story right from the start to avoid this, which I did for Changeling Blood (that just concentrated the exposition in the first and last chapters). If it gets past concept stage without me making an effort to avoid it, it'll happen. Since this was more on the fly, like Flight Camp, this story has a lot of that still in there.
The story needs to keep going, one way or another.
I don't really agree with this point, there's really no reason there can't be chapters where all they do is have some fun other than you not wanting to write them (which is fair and understandable, I'm not trying to suggest that you should write things you don't want to! Just that you should say so if that's the reason instead of hiding behind flimsy justifications that aren't necessary.) There could even still be *some* kind of advancement in that they would be continuing their exploration of eachother and what kinds of things they enjoy together. Plus it's still a kind of character development.
3987148 Let me explain: on one hand, yes, it is true that I'm not that comfortable with writing sex scenes and I'm not too keen on doing a lot of them in the same story, doubly so with all the stuff that's been going on irl. What I mean by making the story progress is that the scenes have to be different from one another, and make sense in the order they arrive. So far there's been the incidental 'making up' sex, a lot of tension building up, Rainbow Dash masturbating with her socks, Twilight dominating her properly. The progression has been from inhibited to less inhibited. What I gather from your feedback is you'd like more scenes with very little inhibition, which is stuff that's going to happen later on in the story.
So that scene I said got dropped could probably make it in as an epilogue. The stuff you're asking for would end up being bonus chapters after the narrative end of the story. Heck, that kind of thing could end up as its own story, basically making a collection of clop scenes. I just don't know if people would keep reading that if it's all part of this one, after the story's come to its conclusion. The majority of the feedback I've gotten is positive about the fetish and daily life being mingled the way it is. I see your point, definitely, but I don't know how to address it without making the story feel 'less good' than it already is. In short: if I were to set out to address this issue, I'd have to do so outside of this story, as epilogues or as a sequel. There's not much I can do about it right now.
So thanks for the feedback, I'll toss the idea on the giant pile of 'moar' requests. (Seriously, the amount of sequels I still have to write is ridiculous.)
“They’re not called ‘thestrals’, Rarity, that’s a made up word from a kid’s book. They’re called Rousettus ponies, or rousettes, or flying fox ponies. They’re not bat ponies and they’re definitely not thestrals.” Rainbow put a hoof to her mouth right after she said it. That’s what I get from hanging around Twilight too much.
At the time of writing, I've got about half of the final chapter done: the tame one. The final sex scene... that's gonna be a tricky thing to get right.
3965521
I'm sure you will pull it off nicely anyway.
Though... I am not sure how far the dom/sub thing actually influences their romantic relationship. I mean Dash said in an earlier chapter that she doesn't want to be only the pet and more whatever she likes but right now she seems totally submissive to Twilight pretty much all of the time, except the little bantering before the sex...
3965521 Take your time friend, if it's anything as good as the stuff that came before i'll be happy, and if it's better? We probably both will
Loving the story keep up the good work!
/)
3966859
Yeah, I edited that piece of dialogue to make it clearer. The major thing to take away from that was that while Twilight is a natural dominant, Rainbow Dash is not a natural submissive. Twilight's enjoyment comes directly from having control over the situation, but Rainbow Dash's enjoyment comes from letting go and becoming something other than what she usually is. Because she feels she's embarrassed herself so often, the idea that what she is can change is a very appealing one (see also her pep talk with Scootaloo earlier in the story).
Thing is, that distinction would only become relevant if they ever split up: Rainbow Dash can be in a normal relationship and enjoy it, indulging in her fantasies by, say, reading or writing (which fits her fandom for Daring Do in canon). Twilight, however, would need to find someone who is into D/s play. I'm no expert, but as far as I know there are a lot of different degrees of attachment to identity in the BDSM community. Some do it as a hobby, some do it as a lifestyle, some do it to try and find some middle ground between their daily lives and their dark sides.
In this story, Twilight and Rainbow stay together because they match up on several levels. They do what they do because they both enjoy it, and they both get something very useful out of it. Rainbow Dash can't embarrass herself or make a mistake under Twilight's control. Twilight is free to take as much control as she wants, while still keeping Rainbow's feelings in mind. They do it because it works for them, and there's no real incentive to stop doing it (yet).
3968351
Cry with laughter or sadness? Because Spike's question can be taken two ways, and that was on purpose.
Huh. I have several guesses regarding Scootaloo, but I don't want to spell it out for people reading the comments. I'll keep them to myself, wait, and see.
I call bat ponies "chiroptera" (singular chiropteron) myself. I'd forgotten about the Potter thestrals, and taxonomy seemed like a better source of inspiration in any case. I didn't go as specific as you did, though. Kudos for that, especially finding something that works on multiple symbolic levels.
In any case, looks like it's time to face the music. I look forward to it.
3970163
Hmm... chiroptera... yeah, that works too. Mainly I went with Rousettus because all pegasi are named after one, legendary creature called Pegasus, so it makes sense to imply one big progenitor for bat ponies, too. Besides which, it was convenient. Pegasus ponies, Rousettus ponies, pegasi, rousettes.
I'm totally not planning to use that in any other future story.
But yeah, wikipedia led me to that, and it fit on so many levels I couldn't resist.
Rousettes eh? Sounds more like a flower. I have also heard the term Nocturnes used as well. I'm just glad that Bat Ponies is not being used. Just sounds kinda lazy to me since they are their own kind of pony. My OC is half Nocturne so I tend to go on and on about this kind of stuff. Interesting chapter by the way. Can't wait for the exciting conclusion.
3971413
Heheh. That's what I was aiming for . It's still clop, but romantic clop.
3973764
Nocturne's a good term, too. I wonder why I didn't think of it... well, I guess part of the reason I wouldn't use it here (but in other stories, maybe) would be that nocturne implies 'nocturnal', and I don't define the race enough to say they're nocturnal. They're a side note, and Rainbow's response demands several equivalent terms, while Nocturne has... night pony, maybe? That, and I've already used League of Legends references before, and some people might get the wrong idea and think I'm describing ponies with arm blades... which wouldn't be such a bad idea, actually .
That was a great chapter The sex scene was quite vivid, at least the parts Rainbow woke up on. I can't wait to see what comes of the talk with Spike Also I wonder if they will ever tell their friends about their relationship I WANT MOAR SOON If that is alright with you
3975102
Updates are weekly. The only chapter that's not done yet is the final one, because real life messed me up slightly. It should be done by the weekend, and after that I can put this story to rest. There should be two or three more chapters before that, but those are written out. So more is coming
>Rousettes
Never seen that term be used before and I don't think it would make much sense in other fics than bat ponies or thestrales, but here it fits because of the already introduced pony breeds, so it's good. :)
>“Of course not, Rainbow Dash, why would I? I think it’s very endearing that Twilight would accompany you to such a place. I can’t imagine it was easy for her to admit she was clueless.”
“Umm, yeah, it wasn’t.”
Lolz XDDD
Rare gonna be so embaressed when she finds out the entire truth. XD
>Let’s hope Twilight never masters that mare-to-stallion spell, then.
Awwww, come on, RD! It would be a whole new experience of submission if your mistress becomes a master, you could try it out once at least and see if you like it if your master smells "stronger and more powerful" than you do instead of lavender. XD
Liked the sex scenes between Twi and RD and it looks like they liked it both too much given that Spike surprised them in the bathroom when they believed to still have enough time. Either that or Spike came back earlier. Anyway, looks like Twi will have to tell Spike the truth as I don't think she and RD can come up with a believing lie that Spike would accept. Plus I think Twi doesn't like it that much to keep secrets from Spike, expect they are as personal as this one, but even then she would like to include him in her little secret given that she knows him her whole life and he her. :)
3975193
Sad to think that this story is already going to be over. For a story with "erotic mind control" in the title, there's been a lot of *talking* about it but very little actually *doing* any of it. What little there is has been very fun and well-written, so it's even more disappointing that there isn't more of it especially now that they're both finally completely comfortable with the idea. Ah well, I guess I'm used to this from stories involving this subject by now. Everyone always seems to bail out right when it's really getting started. Lack of fetish material aside, this is a really good story just as a story so for that you should be proud!
3985174
Let's see...
-the story has to end at some point, and while a lot of this has been unplanned, the ending was pretty definite from the get-go. I get the feedback that people want more of a certain story all the time, and it's really hard to deal with it. On one hand I appreciate that people enjoy it, on the other I don't like getting stuck as writing just one thing. It's one of the reasons I don't use more of Scootaloo in this story.
-as for the lack of fetish material: the idea was to show how fetishes blend with real life, and... yeah, I'm not entirely happy with how the ratios turned out, either. I've had bouts of writer's block on and off while writing this, and sex scenes, especially the fetishy kind, are really, really hard to get right and on paper and not feel forced. Even as it stands, I think it does come off as forced, because both ponies have busy schedules.
Another issue with adding more sex scenes is: there's no progression. The story needs to keep going, one way or another. There's only so many different scenes I can really write that make sense within the story's context. One was planned and got cut simply because it didn't fit anymore. It's not so much that I bail out, because this isn't the first porn I've written (though the ones before this one were terrible), but just that... I'm not smart enough to add more. I've not done a proper sexual story with actual plot or depth yet, so this is kind of a new thing.
I guess what it boils down to is: the story was supposed to be a clopfic that wasn't like stereotypical clopfics, and it ended up barely being a clopfic at all. In the end, it really is a story about Rainbow Dash discovering erotic mind control, whereas Twilight was already familiar with the concept, and she started embracing it in earnest. As a clopfic, I agree it's not that up to snuff. As a story on its own, I'm glad you like it .
-the overuse of talking is something that creeps into all my stories, it's part of my personal style/ the most annoying flaw in my writing (scratch depending on preference). The only way I can really avoid it is if I plan out my story right from the start to avoid this, which I did for Changeling Blood (that just concentrated the exposition in the first and last chapters). If it gets past concept stage without me making an effort to avoid it, it'll happen. Since this was more on the fly, like Flight Camp, this story has a lot of that still in there.
3985284
I don't really agree with this point, there's really no reason there can't be chapters where all they do is have some fun other than you not wanting to write them (which is fair and understandable, I'm not trying to suggest that you should write things you don't want to! Just that you should say so if that's the reason instead of hiding behind flimsy justifications that aren't necessary.) There could even still be *some* kind of advancement in that they would be continuing their exploration of eachother and what kinds of things they enjoy together. Plus it's still a kind of character development.
3987148
Let me explain: on one hand, yes, it is true that I'm not that comfortable with writing sex scenes and I'm not too keen on doing a lot of them in the same story, doubly so with all the stuff that's been going on irl. What I mean by making the story progress is that the scenes have to be different from one another, and make sense in the order they arrive. So far there's been the incidental 'making up' sex, a lot of tension building up, Rainbow Dash masturbating with her socks, Twilight dominating her properly. The progression has been from inhibited to less inhibited. What I gather from your feedback is you'd like more scenes with very little inhibition, which is stuff that's going to happen later on in the story.
So that scene I said got dropped could probably make it in as an epilogue. The stuff you're asking for would end up being bonus chapters after the narrative end of the story. Heck, that kind of thing could end up as its own story, basically making a collection of clop scenes. I just don't know if people would keep reading that if it's all part of this one, after the story's come to its conclusion. The majority of the feedback I've gotten is positive about the fetish and daily life being mingled the way it is. I see your point, definitely, but I don't know how to address it without making the story feel 'less good' than it already is. In short: if I were to set out to address this issue, I'd have to do so outside of this story, as epilogues or as a sequel. There's not much I can do about it right now.
So thanks for the feedback, I'll toss the idea on the giant pile of 'moar' requests. (Seriously, the amount of sequels I still have to write is ridiculous.)
what this is nearing the end? but we just got to the erotic part of the erotic mind control.............
Hehehe