For two years Dusk Light has been training deep inside the Everfree Forest to hone and control his special talent. His only contact has been Princess Celestia as she has helped him train physically and mentally in order to keep his power under control. Two long years with nothing but his mentor, his wits and basic survival instinct. Now he has one last task to complete his training, return to the society that shunned him so long ago. This challenge may prove to be his most difficult trial, can he succeed?
The story should be completely revised. If there are any concerns feel free to send me a PM.
Chapters (29)
interesting into looking forward for more
To be frank, the story is yet too short to give any proper feedback. Don't use underlining, make shorter paragraphs and longer chapters, that's all i can really advise. I'd just take it down and reupload once it's long enough to actually get a clue whether you might like the story when reading it.
It's certainly not just random trash that deserves to be voted down without commenting, so the 0/2 rating is not justified.
e: oh, and i'd add a picture. it just comes across way more professional if you got one
I appreciate the feedback, this story has been bouncing around in my head for a while, so it's just a matter of putting on paper, or in this case, a computer screen.
I agree with silver spawn on the design of the paragraph, but one thing I found disorientating on the first chapter was the lack of description for dusk, is he tall, or short, lean or strong, or the color of his coat. Without this kind of description I have to revert to blanks, and having the character do actions doesn't make it any easier.
Thanks for the feedback, I understand where you're coming from critfist. I wanted to leave his physical description for the later chapters and see how it turned out. Let me know what you guys think about the rest of the story.
I like it but should you write another story (and I hope you do
) could you possibly make a different love interest? Having Fluttershy be it is fine but I don't think it should be over used.
2353304 I will start another story without a doubt, but it just doesn't feel right to start right now since I have the story plan set up until the ending, and as for the next story, I'm thinking about having the next story involve Twilight a lot more.
This seems like interesting concept for me to read, moving this to read later list!
2359297 So long as readers give it a chance, that's all I ask.
The "recently updated" column sometimes brings up true gems in the stinking piles of second-person HiE clopfics. Point is: this story is really good, and I am hooked.
2359665 Thank you kindly, this is the first story I've ever written so it feels good to get such positive feedback.
Dont miss the combat!!!
To anyone who has read the first part of the Wedding Chapter. I left out a pretty important scene... yeah my bad. So I'm going back and revising it, I will mark a * on the end of the chapter name. My sincerest apologies for any inconvenience.
We, as readers, should also thank you for having the creative mind to right such an amazing story. Even though this story might end, I certainly hope the others will be just as great. Or even more so!
a little fast on accepting that he might be in love but still good
Oh come on really... okay here was my reaction to that ending..........................................................................hy6j7uuuuuuuuuugt5f4ry677huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu'
now then I must get an icepack because that really hurt my forehead because it wasn't my keyboard I hit the first time... I SHALL RETURN
2499305 I am not legally responsible for any physical damage brought on from reading this story. I do apologize for such action to have taken place, so please accept this mustache as compensation.
Wow this guy jumps around like a chicken with his head cut off. First he starts dating Fluttershy right off the bat then changes his mind after a few days to Rarity. Truthfully I don't think he should have either of them as he doesn't really understand what love is in the first place. Kinda really disappointing.
2510869 Legitimate argument to be honest, I can't say I agree with it entirely. But, I respect your opinion.
why did he carry meat as food?
ponies are herbivores
this is so Celestia darn good! I am reading it every time i have spare time including right now at school! I am so addicted to this.
Dude! I don't care about any of that! This was amazing! I love your work and over a period of three days have read three of your stories. They are brilliant and am currently a fan of yours. Hope to see the updates in the future whenever possible.
That was one of the best opening scenes ever! At first you think 'what the heck? did i just skip a chapter?' But you soon realize that you should just press on and the Author had plans and ideas to set this up.
I am feeling so much right now! I can't even describe it.
GONNA TYPE IN CAPS BECAUSE IT WAS JUST THAT AWSOME! I LOVE IT ALL AND ALTHOUGH YOU DID THIS A WHILE A GO I SPENT ALMOST ALL MY TIME READING IT! I AM TELLING THE HONEST TRUTH WHEN I THOUGHT ABOUT A STORY JUST LIKE DUSK'S (MINUS FLUTTERSHY) AND WHEN I SAW THIS COME OUT I READ IT ALL THE TIME! ALSO YOUR STORY CALLED A CHANGE OF SCENERY I ALSO THOUGHT ABOUT SOMETHING CLOSELY RELATED! I WON'T SAY THAT YOU STOLE MY IDEA BECAUSE YOU RIGHTFULLY OWN EVERYTHING, BUT WHAT I WILL SAY IS THAT WE THINK ALIKE AND YOU HAVE BETTER TALENT AT THIS KIND OF STUFF. I WILL KEEP FOLLOWING YOU AND BE VERY SAD WHEN YOU COME TO YOUR LAST POST. KEEP IT UP!
Err... Why was Twilight upset at the beginning? Wasn't it stated during the Timberwolf attack that he was now a day ahead of schedule? And that she had asked Fluttershy to keep an eye open today in case he was early? (Which he was.) In short, even showing up in the evening like this, he's still early.
2499105
Given that I have the Mane Six pegged as being in their mid to late teens (with Spike being 5~6 years younger), If Dusk is anywhere close to the same age as Fluttershy than he's spent most of his hormone fueled years with either a death wish, or stuck in Everfree. He's been isolated, and now this pretty mare is being nice to him. It's like an inverted Florence Nightingale effect. (Protip: Florence Nightingale herself never suffered from the "effect". The Psych crowd just couldn't think of a better pinup girl for it.)
3053911 That's what I was going for.
"A 'Break'? What is this 'Break' of which you speak?"
Starting off on the wrong hoof with 2/3rds of the Mane Six, his gear trashed (How the heck did his knife get bent like that? If the Timberwolf attack didn't damage it, I'd be surprise if Mr Bear could do it.), his family photo now symbolically representing his being torn away from his family, and he wakes up with a Nightmare that Luna didn't catch. If this keeps up, I'll start to wonder if there is something going on in the background deliberately trying to make Dusk's life a living Tartarus.
Apparently lightning isn't the only thing his rod is attracting, if you know what I mean.
Seriously, is he putting off pheromones or something?
I mean, I can see where Dash would see somepony who can take on a small pack of Timberwolves as being attractive, regardless of physical appearance. Rarity, however, came right out of Left Field. Unless she was seeing sparks between Dusk and Fluttershy, and tested the waters to confirm it, I am not at all sure what the hay was going through her mind.
3053950
Please reply to posts in the chapter they were written in. The way Knighty has this site coded, I don't get notified of cross-chapter replies. This bug is as old as the hills, and isn't likely to be fixed any time soon.
2774871 who said he left meat? It says and I quote "he decided to leave some food to keep the beast distracted" It could have been any kind of food that gave off a strong smell. He would have been desperate and would have tried any tactic to get it off his tail.
2774871>>3071364 Originally, it said meat but I took care of it in my editing.
Oh. Bucking. Snap. Gabby Gums. It'll be bad enough on a local level, but if that paper makes it to Canterlot, I have no doubt that it will set off a Lynch Mob aimed right at Dusk. I see plenty of pitchforks, torches, and hemp rope in the near future...
...Pinkie needs a better "sad" face, and Rainbow needs a sad face, period.
Still waiting for the Canterlot loons to show up with the white hoods and rope.
Part of me is going into diabetic reaction. Another part of me is still waiting for the big payoff and equally big fallout from the Canterlot end of things. Mostly, however, I'm just miffed that a recent patch for Saints Row IV broke all the weapons in the game. I won't be able to play it again until it is fixed.
*Fires off a few exploding Dubstep rounds in Vinyl Scratch's name*
...so no lynch mob. I suddenly feel like the Chekhov's Gun is firing blanks right now.
But... if Cheese Legs is trapped in
amberstone, who is going to foalnap the CMC?Also, I can't help but see a picture of thousands of flash fried bits of Changeling falling out of the sky. I do not envy the street sweepers this night.
And it is official. All that buildup over the papers in Canterlot calling him a "Monster" has completely fallen flat. No payoff at all, save for that bit with the CMC, which I thought was more buildup. At least the other Chekhov's Guns were firing on all chambers. Good story all around. Time to go to bed, and read the sequel in the morning.
So, a great story if you we're to ask me. You did fairly well keeping characters in character, save for a few ooc moments. You did a great job having dusk in the main story of the show. And did a good job balancing the good and bad events. If I have one less than positive thing to say its that this doesn't seem like the best spot to end it in, I mean we are left here wanting to know what happened to the public view of him after he displayed his power, how the wedding went, and also things that may have happened in between or after those events.
On a side note you successfully made me impatient enough to postpone a comment on account of wanting to read the next chapter for a new record of 29 chapters. So although it cost you many comments with feedback and appreciation you did a great job shutting me up. (Don't think that a bad thing, do you really want comments that are this long on every chapter?)
3656240 Well I appreciate your feedback and am glad you enjoyed the story. About the comments... you probably are right about how annoying it would be but I would be able to live with some long comments.
3656267 you could live with some long comments but restricting myself to some comments Isn't going to happen anytime soon, so I guess I'll be merciful and stop at this comment.
3658116 Well I appreciate your comment and comment on your comment to tell you I like your comment.
This seems like a nice idea, but that story feels like it's going way too fast. I really don't think that Fluttershy would fall for Dusk that fast, she is way to shy for that.
Dusk seems nice and all, but for a pony that was treated like a monster, as well as spending two or three years alone in one of the most inhospitable places in Equestria, he sure seems to be very trusting to a pony he just met.
Sorry to say this but, I don't think I can continue. Keep practicing and get better.
Screw it, I haven't turned a story down half way through and I can't do it here either.
I read till the end. That being said, if a story is like a hundred chapters then I think that that would have to break that rule.