Silence

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Comments ( 10 )

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Lord of Nothing

Lord of Nothing #1 · Feb 2nd, 2013 · · ·

Well done, sir.
I enjoy this greatly.

Comment posted by Jetfire4 deleted Feb 2nd, 2013

Jetfire4

Jetfire4 #3 · Feb 2nd, 2013 · · ·

That was quite possibly the creepiest thing I've read all day. Good job!
If I could give you a hint of advice, though, it would be to make sure that you start a new paragraph when you switch speakers.
For example:

"'I'm sorry we have to do this, Twilight. We have no other choice..." Fluttershy said quietly. The others nodded solemnly behind her. "Wh-what do you mean?" Twilight stuttered, desperation in her voice. "But you're beginning to act like Rarity did before we had to get rid of her..." Fluttershy whispered. "

Instead of having it all in one paragraph, indicate that you are switching to Twilight as a speaker by having it in another paragraph.
Kind of like this:
"I'm sorry we have to do this, Twilight. We have no other choice..." Fluttershy said quietly. The others nodded solemnly behind her.
"Wh-what do you mean?" Twilight stuttered, desperation in her voice.
"But you're beginning to act like rarity did before we had to get rid of her..." Fluttershy whispered.

But overall I enjoyed it and it was very entertaining. Good first story!

Undead_Non-Brony

Undead_Non-Brony #4 · Feb 2nd, 2013 · · ·

2063652 Your profile pic says it all.

BlaappyMLP

BlaappyMLP #5 · Feb 3rd, 2013 · · ·

2063788 Thanks SO much for the help! I REALLY appreciate it! Thanks!

Jetfire4

Jetfire4 #6 · Feb 3rd, 2013 · · ·

2065460 No problem! Keep up the good work!

twilightsparkle13

twilightsparkle13 #7 · Mar 9th, 2013 · · ·

I have a feeling this was an alternate "The Cough" story
Still creepy though *shudder*

Rakaziel

Rakaziel #8 · Jan 16th, 2016 · · ·

Very well written. I would maybe add a few details to the environments e.g. what does the room look like, what is the quality (stagnant? electrified?) and smell (old dust and desperation, and then a delunge of rot when they open the door) of the air.

BlaappyMLP