Twilight is given the task to defend Equestria, but things don't go as planned
First story for my new tumblr page:
http://dspwritersblock.tumblr.com/
Story requested by Midnight Flare
Chapters (1)
the darkside phoenix
Joined 24th Jan, 2012 ·
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This story in a nutshell.
masseffect.portalation.com/files/2012/06/tim-spacemagic.png
Why are there so many edgy teen stories on the front page today?
I just...I just want to read a happy story about Vinyl making waffles, or Twilight cleaning her house, or Spike opening a radio show. I don't want this. I don't want centaur serial killers and poorly written clop stories and terrible god characters. I just want a happy story, I want to smile for once. Why would you do this to me?
Pour some coffee and let's get this over this.
The first problem I see is the way you tell you story. In that, you actually tell the story. There's this little thing, it's called 'Show, don't Tell.' To put that simply, you need to show us what is happening instead of telling us it's happening. Telling us a great danger is about to fall upon Equestria and that Twilight is trying to stop it is not a good way to tell a story. Showing us this great evil slowly approaching, destroying and consuming, while Twilight digs herself into a desperate shell and abandons her friends to buy herself more time to try and stop is good. We come here to be shown a story, a vibrant world filled with struggles and hardship and cupcakes and friendship, not told a sequence of events that happen.
This isn't a script, slow down and show us EVERYTHING. I want to see the sweat running down Twilight's face as she works, the hopelessness in Celestia's eyes, the anger in Dash's wings. Show us what is going on, and you're already halfway to being a decent author.
Next is the character. I won't lie, when I was reading this, I was overjoyed that you hadn't included an OC. I was nearly smiling in joy, because finally, finally, I'd found a first time author who understood that I came here to read about the main six, the ponies I was familiar with. I was willing to look past the bad storytelling simply because, hell yes it's Twilight freaking out. Not to mention the fact that all OC's I've seen in the last two weeks have been overpowered mary sues. I was happy for once to read a story without having to wonder what kind of author includes an OC for no reason.
And then I got to the part where Twilight opens the portal. I screamed, I shouted, I raged 'NO no no no no no' towards the heaven, but alas, a human wandered out of that portal. Not Cthulhu, not Doomrider, not Squirrel Girl, a human. A weak, flabby, stupid bald monkey, with no skills outside of punch hard and sleep. Two thumbs up.
And then he goes on to become a centaur (five points for originality here, didn't see that coming), and promptly goes on a killing spree; showing all the rational thinking and intelligence I've come to expect from the human race.
All in all, overpowered as hell and entirely useless, and I think he might die when the ultimate evil arrives.
Plots kinda 50/50. It could be good if you removed the human OC and replaced it with, say, a robot. Or a gas of undefinable energy. Give it some work, think up a quick plot twist, BAM, 10/10, makes My Little Dashie look like it was written like a six year old. And if any edgy kids beneath me go, 'but it was,' I swear, I will kick you off the review yacht, not even joking.
At the end though, I'm just left with one question. If you don't mind me asking, why did you write this? What was the story that you were trying to tell? I know that some stories simply ARE, and they have no meaning, but this one doesn't seem like one of them. So tell me, plain and clear down in the comments, what was the story you wanted to tell?
Off duty
Nazkan
1941955
waffles are too simple for me, i'd much rather make some wubbles if that's perfectly alright
oh celestia, i'm un-funny
squirrel girl? all of my wut, tenfold, and then some
humans are OP, fimfiction needs to nerf them in the next patch
now let's be serious for a moment (i've had my fun)
i actually agree 100% with everything you say on this comment, as much as i'm into the dark, adventure-y stuff, i still have a big fondness for the normal stories (as normal as you can get with technicoloured ponies)
the character is just....meh....i was expecting something a bit more...epic then one of those lousy humans (honestly don't get what lya sees in them)
also if it's any help, i found a nice, normal-ish story earlier during my daily browse (again, as normal as it gets with technicoloured ponies)
here's a link in case you're interested
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/68104/cousin-vinyl
1942043
lyra*
1941955
I appreciate your comment and your critic, now allow me to explain everything for you
1. i know it's short, i know it could be expanded a lot, and i could as well make it a longer, better story (i don't intend to do it though) the idea was always to be a short idea (which is a project for a tumblr i'm doing, link's in the author's note)
2. now the reason for it to be a human is something really personal of myself, i feel a little bit of hatred towards the human race, and i believe that every human (of course including myself) has this wish for chaos and destruction on the back of i his/her head, and the moment he/she gets power all hell gets loose.
3. now the reason for all of this is as i said before a tumblr i'm making, which is supposed to be about people sending me little ideas and me and a friend making short stories, since this story was MLP related i decided to post it here on FIMfic as well as in the tumblr.
this story was a request and if you're curious the original idea was "a half human half alicorn hybrid arrives to Equestria" and all the story is just what my mind made in less than one night.
again thanks for the critic, but consider this isn't by far what a full story written by myself looks like (i am actually working on a huge project to be released later this year)
1941955
oh and something else "and I think he might die when the ultimate evil arrives."
he is the ultimate evil
As I said, space magic.
1941955best review ever!
1942043
You know, squirrel girl, the most powerful superhero in the entire Marvel universe? Beat Doctor Doom twice? Talks to squirrels? This ringing a bell?
1942780
1. Oh come now, this has the potential to be seen by every single person on this site. That's what? Ten thousand people? Less? The least you can do is make it interesting. If anything, it's worse that it's a short story and still this bad. Short stories don't require as much effort.
2. Or perhaps it's the other way around, and power is the one with the itch for destruction. Power corrupts, after all. Perhaps it corrupts more than we've thought. I honestly don't see how someone could have hatred for the human race, the human race is one of the greatest races the world has ever seen and we're the leading miss universe winners for the past fifty years. Go humanity! For every human out there that makes a bad decision, there are at minimum three who go out of their way to make the world a little better. The trick is not to focus on the ones causing trouble.
3.Finally, take a little pride in this man. You went out and shaped an entire universe with the force of your will and the power of your words. If that isn't something to be proud of I don't know what is. Who cares where the inspiration came from, you spent both time and energy on this, you deserve to look at it and say, 'yes, this is the best I could do and I'm glad I made this.'
If you don't feel that, why are you writing?
1943566
Meh, I've made better. I miss the days I could use a train without people confusing me for being a part of the TWE. Sadly, my jet train is now a jet yacht, and we must roll with the punches.
1944461 i'm not a big reader of marvel, sorry
please don't hate me
though after your description, i may just look into this squirrel girl, you've got me interested
1944461 ung I miss the TWE
what happen to the group?
1944538
Knighty didn't like the way they reviewed people, so he deleted the group.
1944538 Can't they make a new group?
1944461
1. i don't feel like making it longer, and i don't have the time(RL things to do and already too many really long projects) if by any chances i end up doing it well you'll be the first one to know about it
2. i won't argue my reasons to hate the human race it's something personal and irrelevant.
3.i know i should feel pride for what i do, and i usually do with MY stories those that take more than a night to write and that i put all my guts in, this one on the other side(along with the whole tumblr page) is more just a way to relax myself write something fast and send it t the world without much re-thinking it (trust me i already have this story enlarged in my head and i could develop it IF I WANTED TO) i openened the tumblr to make stories fast and try to become better at fast writting so future long stories can take less time than they do in the moment, i need to practice and this is the first of my short stories and i hope to get a little better with each one i do in the future.
Why am i writting this? well i guess the only reason i have right now is to relax myself from my long stories make my head think of different things than what i've been writting for a long time now, make sure i can still make out my large ideas out of little ones no matter how random they are, maybe it was a mistake to post it on FIMfic, but i don't even care,i planned the story to go on a tumblr and i don't care what really happens to it on this website, i only posted it here because it's MLP related and i felt like i should post it here as well, now i think the only bad thing that could come out of this is that i might loose a bit of credibility as an author for posting possibly bad stories that i don't really intend to make better, so i guess i will just open a new account to post all the MLP related stories that i post on the tumblr.