Chapter 2: Welcome To Equestria
A Dream Come True Chapter 2
“Ohhh. My head…” I groaned in pain, slowly sitting up. I looked around, but my vision was too blurry to see anything. I flopped back down in my bed, aware enough to know it was daytime, but that was about it. “That was the strangest dream.”
Suddenly, I heard a female voice from somewhere off to my left. “Oh good, you’re awake.” It said.
I turned towards the voice, but still couldn't make anything out with my vision. “Where am I?” I asked, completely disoriented.
“The hospital.” The voice answered simply, as if that would answer all of my questions, which it didn't.
“Why am I here?”
“You were found unconscious in the middle of the street. A group of pegasi saw you falling from very high up, and apparently, none of them had ever seen you before. They were unable to catch you in time, but they rushed you here as quickly as possible. You’re lucky to be alive.”
“How high was—wait, did you say pegasi?” I asked, shocked.
“About 200 feet. And yes, I said pegasi. Why?”
“Am I still dreaming?”
“No, you’re wide awake. Why do you sound so surprised? You’re a pegasus, after all.”
“No…I’m not a pegasus…what are you talking about?” I asked, casting a furtive, distrustful glance in the voice’s direction.
“Can you see?” the voice replied, a slight hint of exasperation in her voice.
“No, I can’t!” I yelled, waving my hands (hooves?) wildly. “I don’t know if I’m a human or a pegasus pony, and to top it off, if I AM a pony, I don’t even know what I look like!” I finished, collapsing back onto the bed, my front limbs splayed outwards. “What am I supposed to do…” I pined.
I heard a pencil scratching on paper, and the female mumbling while she wrote. “Impaired vision, amnesia, talking of humans-“ She said, before being cut off by a now very frustrated me.
“Tell me the truth. Are you just messing with me, or am I really a pegasus?”
“I’m not messing around. Why would I do that?”
“Because, if you’re not, then I have a tale for some very important ponies, and maybe even Celestia herself.” I sighed, now finally resigned to the fact that, yes, I was indeed a pony, and that my ‘dream’ was not a dream at all.
“I don’t believe one word of that. What sort of story could you concoct that would make me believe that?”
After a long period of explaining the exact circumstances of how I had been teleported here, and more specifically why I needed to get back, my vision had begun to clear up slightly, and I could make out general contours and colors.
“If what you’re really saying is true, then you may want to have a talk with miss Lyra Heartstrings. She is fascinated by the idea of humans, and is one of few ponies that believe they exist. She will probably want to hear your story. Has your vision improved yet?”
“Yes, I can see, but I have no idea where I would find Lyra.”
“She’s been working with Colgate on something; they should be at Colgate’s house. I could take you there. Do you remember anything about your identity yet?”
I looked down and held up my right arm. The blue color and flat ended hoof were obvious enough, and I reached down to pull my tail out from under me. I was surprised by how and fluffy it was, and ran my hoof through it a few times. The fiery colors almost seemed to generate their own warmth, and I reveled in the sensation. I brought it up to my cheek and nuzzled it, focusing on the softness. “Mm…so comfy…” I mumbled happily, oblivious to my surroundings, until a tap on the shoulder brought me back to reality.
“Well? Do you know your name?” The female pony asked me. I could now see enough to notice her white coat and light pink mane. I had to admit, she was pretty.
“The name’s Fire. So, could you take me to Lyra, please?” I replied.
“Of course. Can you stand up?”
I hesitated for a moment. “Um…I’m actually not sure if I can. I’m using to standing on two legs, not four. But I’ll at least try my best.”
Getting off the bed wasn’t too difficult. I could balance on four legs, but I couldn't figure out how to keep from leaning over forward. I gave up after a few tries and stood up on my hindlegs. “That’s better…and more familiar as well.”
“So, are you ready to leave?” The white mare asked.
“There’s nothing I need here.” I replied. “Although I don’t know my way to Colgate’s house, so I’ll need directions.”
“That’s not a problem, I can take you there.”
“Really? That would be an enormous help, seeing as I have no idea where to go.”
“Sure, it’s not all that far, either. Just follow me.” She replied, walking towards the door.
I followed her in my upright positing, though I had to duck to avoid hitting my head on the door. By this time, my vision had completely cleared and I could see just as well as I had been able to back at my house, so I was able to avoid hurting myself.
I could see many ponies turning to watch me, whispering behind their hooves. I was pretty sure that they didn’t see any ponies standing on two legs often, and I tried to avoid making eye contact as much as possible. I think that was the longest two minutes of my entire existence in Equestria.
The short walk couldn't have ended soon enough. I walked up to the door and knocked.
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A self insert fiction?
Timothy, I thought you were better than this.
~Edward
2217165 What? Shipping is not involved.
2217171
It's a self insert Timothy... shipping just covers shit in more shit, with shit frosting.
~Edward
2217175
Maybe he be troll...
2217177
Nope, I think he's serious about this.
~Edward
2217182
Oh dear.
Oh boy.
How to put this gently.
It's cute and all, how you make a story for your friend and you two go and do whatever you're doing in this story.
Except that we've all read/imagined/secretly written this same basic story five million times already it seems.
Human comes to Equestria.
Human turns into pony.
Pony is human's OC.
Yadayadayada.
(At least it isn't for being able to make out with your favourite pony, or else I'd be kicking puppies now)
Alrighty, so anyhow, these types of fics are the things you keep to a small clique of friends, not to the public.
Interesting...
give the guy a fucking break
good story by the way
"The format... the grammar... ZE GOOGLES DOEZ NOTHING ! I ZEE ZTILL THIZ MEZZ !"
2217241 I see you're in the My Little Dashie fangroup
a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/135/11a38ea1d94d455a9bb675bf7959e2b1/l.jpg
I'm sorry but In my opinion you don't have the correct standing to constitute what exactly a "good" story is, though i'm not necessarily stating that this story is bad or not.
inb4 butthurt
Chapter 2:
How blurry must your vision be to not be able to tell the difference between your own bedroom and a hospital room? There's impaired vision, and then there's being blind as a bat. And I know you're trying to bring some suspense in the scene until the big reveal comes that he's in Equestria, but it helps if the story is properly written so we spend less time mulling over your flaws than investing ourselves in this story.
Really? It really took him that long to register the fact that she said "pegasi?"
And who's bright idea was it to send a human (a brony, no less) into the world of a cartoon show that he likes, alone and confused, thus is liable to blurt out the fact that all of the inhabitants of the world that he's in are complete fiction? I'm really not anticipating anything pleasant in the next several paragraphs...
You know, using words like "dorecho" and "pined" doesn't automatically make your fic sound smarter. It's still a mess.
1. The fact that she accepts the word "humans," as told by the lack of expression in her voice... what the hell is this supposed to mean?
2. "Before being cut off by a now very frustrated me," should be, "Before I cut her off." We get that you're frustrated.
1. So because she insists that he's a pegasus, that convinces him? PERFECT logic.
2. So the fact that a pegasus who claims to be an alien creature called a human who somehow knows Princess Celestia doesn't raise any flags?
What don't you believe? The fact that he has a tale to tell? Does everyone in this story have brain damage?
And you just fucking tell her about your alien status? I think that stroke hypothesis just evolved into a theory.
But, silly me, no one takes to this news with alarm, because you know, that would create conflict, and we certainly can't have THAT in a story.
BECAUSE THIS CLICHE HASN'T BEEN DONE TO DEATH!!!
I've already beaten the dead horse that is your character (and everyone else for that matter) acting unnaturally to everything around him (and them), so I have no reason to bring it up again.
So you nearly fall to your death and now he's just ready to leave? Is this the Idiocracy era of Equestria?
Nothing suspicious about a quadrupedal creature walking on two legs. And great pacing for the walk to Colgate's. A three-lined paragraph? That must have taken you, like, forEVER to do.
Ughh...
2217436
2217314
k
2217204>>2217436 .........................welll...fuck
2217436
You sir, have earned my watch.
Do me a favor and cut up my fiction? I haven't had time to redo it yet.
~Edward
2217627 I'm not really a punctuation/spelling editor. I mainly focus my criticisms on story, character, and pacing, which I consider my personal strengths. Your story however, looked very good. If you're looking for a punctuation/spelling editor, just know I'm not typically the one to call for that.
Well, it isn't bad. If fact, I think it's pretty good. I'll even go as far as to like AND fav it!
Keep it up.
2217204 I've had lightning strike right next to my window before. It's fucking terrifying, just like this story.
I don't get why the majority of disliked comments are the ones that applaud this story, and the most liked ones are aimed towards the critiques? Yes, criticism is a necessary aspect for continued development of someone's literary ability, but that doesn't mean people need to completely bash those who like a story, even though there have been multpile critiques on the literary text.
We are bronies: Love and Tolerate. You don't like something, ignore it. You don't need to go out of your way to completely bash something.
And other than some grammatical and syntax errors, I found this story rather enjoyable
Keep up the good work
P.S: I can't wait to see how many dislikes this comment gets
2217902 Please explain why you find this story enjoyable. I have not only given my opinion, but have supported it. I guarantee you that's why those comments are disliked.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3305-1330721831634.png
2217911 Glad you asked. I don not know how to get the box around the source material, so this comment will be without references.
At the moment, I am writing a HiE story; this story is relateable in that regard (except that the humans are now ponies). I found his rude wake-up call quais-realistic (there is only so much time and space to explain certain events). And personally, I found the storm in the first chapter suspenseful.
Yes, there are mistakes which need to be corrected, but the story stands well enough on its own for me to consider a good read.
P.S: Got to get to class, don't expect a reply soon. Also, there may begrammatical errors in my comment. Not enough time to check
You fell into one of the many things that you SHOULD NOT DO in a fanfic, and that is: self-insertion. Your description also entails of a boring adventure along the way. Every idea, however, is salvageable. This sword can be reforged. Have that a random stranger that you work on in the story gets transported to Equestria via methods OTHER than a failed spell or random arrivals and becomes your OC. It's preferable to use people who don't know what the ponies are and discover everything along the way.
2217944 For future reference, there is a button to the right of the YouTube comment button called "Quote." That's what you use.
Anyways, I'm not sure what the "wake-up call" you're referring to is, unless you're referring to him waking up out of the hospital. In that case, how is that realistic? How blurry can one's vision be to not differentiate between his own house and a hospital without being blind altogether? Second of all, if he has trouble believing he's a pony (a pegasus at that), how would he be able to explain the fact that his fingers are replaced with a pair of hooves and he can feel extra limbs on his back? Also, the nurse seems to be taking everything that this character is saying way too lightly. I really can't sense any realism in this part.
Speaking of a lack of realism, I can't imagine how the storm can be suspenseful. Of course, it's you're opinion and you can feel as tense as you want, but I can't see how someone can be scared by this storm. Not only is it unrealistic (it appears right out of nowhere, it has hurricane-force winds, lightning is very frequent and is causing trees to explode outside), but the character's only reaction to it is to go onto the internet and browse?
The suspense of any story is caused by feelings of danger or suspense that are felt by the protagonist. We get nervous for Django and King Schultz when they're confronted by Calvin Candie in the dining room scene in Django Unchained. We get anxious as Iranians chase after Tony Mendes and the hostages in Argo. The reason scenes like this are so suspenseful is that the characters we are meant to follow have a sense of urgency to overcome the obstacle that is laid before them, and we connect with these characters enough through said emotions to want to see them achieve their goals, so it's only natural that our feelings mirror those of the protagonists when they face opposition along the way.
It's not necessarily much the situation a character is in that creates tension in a scene, but its how the character reacts to it. However, since this character has none of these feelings of urgency, I don't feel for him and the scene is left hollow and boring as a result. I mean, if a character doesn't care that a storm of that caliber is going to kill him (and with how he described it, the chances were pretty high), why should I?
Of course, these are my speculations, and you have your own.
2218083 Thanks for respecting my opinion. You make an excellent arguement, but it is your opinion, and not mine.
"I get transported to Equestia and wake up in the hospital as my OC, FireFlash."
*screams in terror*
2217902
yes this story is good don't destroy other people's creativity
2217902
Lol, we don't actually love and tolerate. I don't know which crackpot thought that one up.
2217902 heh, thanks. But this was actually intended as a trollfic that looked real
2229486 Then it's not a trollfic. A trollfic has to try and aim to be outrageously bad, not just mediocre. Here are some of my examples:
The Best Human In Equestria Story Ever
A Dying Wish
This is how it's done. If you were trying to make a trollfic with this, it's literally the most boring-ass trollfic I've ever seen. Either that or this is your way of trying to cover up the fact that your story was poorly written, which is the more likely scenario.
"Oh, this? This is MEANT to be written bad, so now it's good, right?
RIGHT?!? 
"
Trust me, I've seen this excuse many times before, and yours is no exception. Not to mention, I highly doubt you (or whomever) would put that much effort into drawing and coloring that cover image just for the story to not be taken seriously.
2234343 seriously? I do digital art for fun, I made the image for my friend. Then I had the brilliant idea to create this. And yes, I've heard people say they meant to make things suck. This wasn't intended to suck. I wanted to throw out a toss-up between success and utter failure. Either would've pleased me, as did this. You have no idea how hard I was laughing while I was reading you tear this apart.
2246508 Well, at least I did my job well (that being making people laugh)...
2246547 hehe. Yes you did
I would love to reed more weighting a bit messy here and their but great use of descriptive language
also why did you cancel
>after a power surge during an electrical srorm
>during an electrical srorm
>electrical srorm
>srorm
wat
4563464 Dude, I wrote this forever ago when I sucked. I don't even write anymore.