after a power surge during an electrical srorm, I get transported to Equestia and wake up in the hospital as my OC, FireFlash. I meet my friend Rebecca (also as a pony) along the way, and go on many adventures with her.
Dedicated to my classmate and homework savior, Rebecca.
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A self insert fiction?
Timothy, I thought you were better than this.
~Edward
2217165 What? Shipping is not involved.
2217171
It's a self insert Timothy... shipping just covers shit in more shit, with shit frosting.
~Edward
2217175
Maybe he be troll...
2217177
Nope, I think he's serious about this.
~Edward
2217182
Oh dear.
Oh boy.
How to put this gently.
It's cute and all, how you make a story for your friend and you two go and do whatever you're doing in this story.
Except that we've all read/imagined/secretly written this same basic story five million times already it seems.
Human comes to Equestria.
Human turns into pony.
Pony is human's OC.
Yadayadayada.
(At least it isn't for being able to make out with your favourite pony, or else I'd be kicking puppies now)
Alrighty, so anyhow, these types of fics are the things you keep to a small clique of friends, not to the public.
Interesting...
Chapter 1:
Yeah, I don't think weather works like that. And I know that this is supposedly the magic storm (cliche as it is) that brings our hero to Equestria, but even so, if three hours ago the forecast was sunny and clear and now, all of the sudden, it's "one of the worst storms you had seen in your entire life," that would probably cause concern in most rational people.
Okay, this isn't just a bad storm, this is borderline-apocalyptic. Are you taking shelter? Because that's what I'd be doing right about now. And the fact that this storm appears right the fuck out of nowhere? You should be repenting.
Even with winds that strong, you should clearly be able to hear a lightning strike in your backyard, especially when it decimates a tree like that. I mean, have you ever seen a video of a lightning strike up close?
That shit is deafening.
memecreator.eu/media/created/1yiojf.jpg
So this is your character's reaction to this improbably violent storm? He sounds like he has an incredibly rich personality.
Another Brony in Equestria fic?
canitbesaturdaynow.com/images/fpics/3332/e407ffdc3f89a4546dd7e5a1b71aa6c4.jpg
So far, this "character" of yours has shown no reaction to all that's happened to him so far. He's even flatter than month old soda.
Wow, that sure seems ominous. I'm sure your character will logically walk away and try and determine the cause of such an impossible event such as this.
Or he can just go along with it like an idiot. Seriously? None of this raises any red flags to you? Oh, I see, this is going to be one of those fics that rushes through all the boring stuff such as character development, exposition, and descriptions so we can get to the stuff that REALLY interests yoursel- I mean the reader: your rushed and hackneyed friendship with the Mane 6.
Which is why I'm questioning none of it and just going along with it. Aren't I super-super smarty?
If only I, you know, didn't fuck with weird, supernatural shit!
So just one second of being frightened from fading away and now you're invisible and you're like, "Cool, I'm a superhero now!" Are you sure that the lightning fried your brain, or did your character have a stroke before the story's events?
give the guy a fucking break
good story by the way
"The format... the grammar... ZE GOOGLES DOEZ NOTHING ! I ZEE ZTILL THIZ MEZZ !"
2217241 I see you're in the My Little Dashie fangroup
a4.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/135/11a38ea1d94d455a9bb675bf7959e2b1/l.jpg
I'm sorry but In my opinion you don't have the correct standing to constitute what exactly a "good" story is, though i'm not necessarily stating that this story is bad or not.
inb4 butthurt
Chapter 2:
How blurry must your vision be to not be able to tell the difference between your own bedroom and a hospital room? There's impaired vision, and then there's being blind as a bat. And I know you're trying to bring some suspense in the scene until the big reveal comes that he's in Equestria, but it helps if the story is properly written so we spend less time mulling over your flaws than investing ourselves in this story.
Really? It really took him that long to register the fact that she said "pegasi?"
And who's bright idea was it to send a human (a brony, no less) into the world of a cartoon show that he likes, alone and confused, thus is liable to blurt out the fact that all of the inhabitants of the world that he's in are complete fiction? I'm really not anticipating anything pleasant in the next several paragraphs...
You know, using words like "dorecho" and "pined" doesn't automatically make your fic sound smarter. It's still a mess.
1. The fact that she accepts the word "humans," as told by the lack of expression in her voice... what the hell is this supposed to mean?
2. "Before being cut off by a now very frustrated me," should be, "Before I cut her off." We get that you're frustrated.
1. So because she insists that he's a pegasus, that convinces him? PERFECT logic.
2. So the fact that a pegasus who claims to be an alien creature called a human who somehow knows Princess Celestia doesn't raise any flags?
What don't you believe? The fact that he has a tale to tell? Does everyone in this story have brain damage?
And you just fucking tell her about your alien status? I think that stroke hypothesis just evolved into a theory.
But, silly me, no one takes to this news with alarm, because you know, that would create conflict, and we certainly can't have THAT in a story.
BECAUSE THIS CLICHE HASN'T BEEN DONE TO DEATH!!!
I've already beaten the dead horse that is your character (and everyone else for that matter) acting unnaturally to everything around him (and them), so I have no reason to bring it up again.
So you nearly fall to your death and now he's just ready to leave? Is this the Idiocracy era of Equestria?
Nothing suspicious about a quadrupedal creature walking on two legs. And great pacing for the walk to Colgate's. A three-lined paragraph? That must have taken you, like, forEVER to do.
Ughh...
2217436
2217314
k
2217204>>2217436 .........................welll...fuck
2217436
You sir, have earned my watch.
Do me a favor and cut up my fiction? I haven't had time to redo it yet.
~Edward
2217627 I'm not really a punctuation/spelling editor. I mainly focus my criticisms on story, character, and pacing, which I consider my personal strengths. Your story however, looked very good. If you're looking for a punctuation/spelling editor, just know I'm not typically the one to call for that.
Well, it isn't bad. If fact, I think it's pretty good. I'll even go as far as to like AND fav it!
Keep it up.
2217204 I've had lightning strike right next to my window before. It's fucking terrifying, just like this story.
I don't get why the majority of disliked comments are the ones that applaud this story, and the most liked ones are aimed towards the critiques? Yes, criticism is a necessary aspect for continued development of someone's literary ability, but that doesn't mean people need to completely bash those who like a story, even though there have been multpile critiques on the literary text.
We are bronies: Love and Tolerate. You don't like something, ignore it. You don't need to go out of your way to completely bash something.
And other than some grammatical and syntax errors, I found this story rather enjoyable
Keep up the good work
P.S: I can't wait to see how many dislikes this comment gets
2217902 Please explain why you find this story enjoyable. I have not only given my opinion, but have supported it. I guarantee you that's why those comments are disliked.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3305-1330721831634.png
2217911 Glad you asked. I don not know how to get the box around the source material, so this comment will be without references.
At the moment, I am writing a HiE story; this story is relateable in that regard (except that the humans are now ponies). I found his rude wake-up call quais-realistic (there is only so much time and space to explain certain events). And personally, I found the storm in the first chapter suspenseful.
Yes, there are mistakes which need to be corrected, but the story stands well enough on its own for me to consider a good read.
P.S: Got to get to class, don't expect a reply soon. Also, there may begrammatical errors in my comment. Not enough time to check
You fell into one of the many things that you SHOULD NOT DO in a fanfic, and that is: self-insertion. Your description also entails of a boring adventure along the way. Every idea, however, is salvageable. This sword can be reforged. Have that a random stranger that you work on in the story gets transported to Equestria via methods OTHER than a failed spell or random arrivals and becomes your OC. It's preferable to use people who don't know what the ponies are and discover everything along the way.
2217944 For future reference, there is a button to the right of the YouTube comment button called "Quote." That's what you use.
Anyways, I'm not sure what the "wake-up call" you're referring to is, unless you're referring to him waking up out of the hospital. In that case, how is that realistic? How blurry can one's vision be to not differentiate between his own house and a hospital without being blind altogether? Second of all, if he has trouble believing he's a pony (a pegasus at that), how would he be able to explain the fact that his fingers are replaced with a pair of hooves and he can feel extra limbs on his back? Also, the nurse seems to be taking everything that this character is saying way too lightly. I really can't sense any realism in this part.
Speaking of a lack of realism, I can't imagine how the storm can be suspenseful. Of course, it's you're opinion and you can feel as tense as you want, but I can't see how someone can be scared by this storm. Not only is it unrealistic (it appears right out of nowhere, it has hurricane-force winds, lightning is very frequent and is causing trees to explode outside), but the character's only reaction to it is to go onto the internet and browse?
The suspense of any story is caused by feelings of danger or suspense that are felt by the protagonist. We get nervous for Django and King Schultz when they're confronted by Calvin Candie in the dining room scene in Django Unchained. We get anxious as Iranians chase after Tony Mendes and the hostages in Argo. The reason scenes like this are so suspenseful is that the characters we are meant to follow have a sense of urgency to overcome the obstacle that is laid before them, and we connect with these characters enough through said emotions to want to see them achieve their goals, so it's only natural that our feelings mirror those of the protagonists when they face opposition along the way.
It's not necessarily much the situation a character is in that creates tension in a scene, but its how the character reacts to it. However, since this character has none of these feelings of urgency, I don't feel for him and the scene is left hollow and boring as a result. I mean, if a character doesn't care that a storm of that caliber is going to kill him (and with how he described it, the chances were pretty high), why should I?
Of course, these are my speculations, and you have your own.
2218083 Thanks for respecting my opinion. You make an excellent arguement, but it is your opinion, and not mine.
"I get transported to Equestia and wake up in the hospital as my OC, FireFlash."
*screams in terror*
2217902
yes this story is good don't destroy other people's creativity
2217902
Lol, we don't actually love and tolerate. I don't know which crackpot thought that one up.
2217902 heh, thanks. But this was actually intended as a trollfic that looked real
2229486 Then it's not a trollfic. A trollfic has to try and aim to be outrageously bad, not just mediocre. Here are some of my examples:
The Best Human In Equestria Story Ever
A Dying Wish
This is how it's done. If you were trying to make a trollfic with this, it's literally the most boring-ass trollfic I've ever seen. Either that or this is your way of trying to cover up the fact that your story was poorly written, which is the more likely scenario.
"Oh, this? This is MEANT to be written bad, so now it's good, right?
RIGHT?!? 
"
Trust me, I've seen this excuse many times before, and yours is no exception. Not to mention, I highly doubt you (or whomever) would put that much effort into drawing and coloring that cover image just for the story to not be taken seriously.
2234343 seriously? I do digital art for fun, I made the image for my friend. Then I had the brilliant idea to create this. And yes, I've heard people say they meant to make things suck. This wasn't intended to suck. I wanted to throw out a toss-up between success and utter failure. Either would've pleased me, as did this. You have no idea how hard I was laughing while I was reading you tear this apart.
2246508 Well, at least I did my job well (that being making people laugh)...
2246547 hehe. Yes you did
I would love to reed more weighting a bit messy here and their but great use of descriptive language
also why did you cancel
>after a power surge during an electrical srorm
>during an electrical srorm
>electrical srorm
>srorm
wat
4563464 Dude, I wrote this forever ago when I sucked. I don't even write anymore.