The Brightest.

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The Brightest.

Sometimes we miss the obvious, even when it's most beautiful. (DerpyHoovesxRainbowDash)

Chapters (4)

Ray of light · 18th Jan 2012 · 1,181 words
1,181
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Price of Safety · 5th Feb 2012 · 1,471 words
1,471
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The Cliff Face · 8th Feb 2012 · 1,237 words
1,237
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Storm Clouds · 11th Apr 2012 · 542 words
542
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Comments ( 13 )

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#1 · Jan 19th, 2012 · · · Ray of light ·

Derp.

First

#2 · Jan 20th, 2012 · · · Ray of light ·

Finally, a Ditzy x Dash fic, this pairing is so rare, at least from what I've seen.

#3 · Jan 20th, 2012 · · · Ray of light ·

So Daaaawwwww.

UnderThisToque

UnderThisToque #4 · Feb 4th, 2012 · · · Ray of light ·

145784

I'm glad you think so ^_^

Mrcakebombs

Mrcakebombs #5 · Feb 4th, 2012 · · · Price of Safety ·

I like. I give you cupcake :D

Starfall

Starfall #6 · Feb 4th, 2012 · · · Price of Safety ·

Hey Redheart, you keep your meddling hooves off of my ship.

UnderThisToque

UnderThisToque #7 · Feb 5th, 2012 · · · Price of Safety ·

187203

You're gonna be mad next chapter then. Granted though, it's not NR.

Starfall

Starfall #8 · Feb 5th, 2012 · · · The Cliff Face ·

Oh no I'm torn between the cuteness of TwiDash and the fact that Derpy crying is the worst. Possible. THING!

ElijahBleu

ElijahBleu #9 · Feb 10th, 2012 · · · The Cliff Face ·

i am a fan of twidash it is cute in an oppisites atract kind of way
but i have to put my fav of the two in DerpyDash for i just cant get enough of the cuteness and
the fact that it is not a common ship and i really dont get to read it that often
will win this

KrystolMask

KrystolMask #10 · Feb 13th, 2012 · · · Ray of light ·

A Derpy x Dash ship fic? Alright, I'll bite, don't see that pairing too often. I've read through this chapter and would love to see where this fic goes. However, before I move on to the next chapter, I want give my thoughts on this opening piece rather than just waiting until I've read the others. So far, I'd personally rate this at about 3/5 and I'm gonna tell you why.
Firstly, let me just get what I didn't like about this out of the way. It wasn't difficult to read but it could use some work in few places, the first paragraph is actually prime example of all the problems I had with this chapter.
For one, it's too long. Sure, a lengthy story is great but this paragraph is sloppy with two clear halves that should have been separate. I can point out the exact spot it would have been great to start of a new paragraph (...the rays of light that dashed between the cloud breaks warmed the back of her wings. *New Paragraph* Rainbow Dash dove through a cloud,...) This is because it starts off focusing on the ponies and the great weather, then abruptly switches focus to RD practicing her stunts, only mentioning 'a blue pegasus' rather than 'the Pegasi'. I saw this in the other longer paragraphs as well, it's easy to lose focus in lengthy paragraphs. Another issue I have is that the entire story is filled with 'clutter words', repetition, misplaced punctuation, and a lack of "show" and too much "tell".
'Clutter words': There's a general rule of thumb when it comes to writing fiction "Try to be as descriptive as you can, using as few words as possible." There are quite few things said here that could be worded better (Example: 'For a blue Pegasus though, today was perfection') Drop the 'though', it's unnecessary, the difference from the other ponies is already implied. It could be ('For a blue Pegasus, today was perfection') and other places where the words 'The' and 'And' as well as other descriptors are unneeded (Ex: 'The clouds covered enough of the midday sun to keep it out of her eyes. They were an imperfect soft white shield however, and the rays of light that dashed between the cloud breaks warmed the back of her wings.') Could be ('Clouds obscured the midday sun, shielding her eyes. An imperfect cover, rays of light dashed between the breaks to warm her wings.').
Repetition: this really all comes down to try not to repeat words and phrases, (Ex: 'The Earth Ponies preferred days where the sun shone at it’s full blaze, warming the earth and bringing the plants into blossom; the Unicorns preferred the summer days where the wind blew in the scent from lands far away.') Try saying that compounded sentence aloud. The moment you say 'preferred' again so soon after it's already been said, the whole statement feel clunky, which it actually already is with two sentence merely connected by a semi-colon. You could just find a different word for 'preferred' but better yet, try rewording the two sentence into something that's shorter and flows better or just completely separate them. It could be ('The Earth Ponies relished among the warming hills and blossoming flowers under the shining sun while The Unicorns enjoyed pleasant summer winds that carried the scent of foreign lands.')
Misplaces punctuation: This was actually one of the better qualities of this chapter. There weren't as many of these errors but showed often enough for me to mention them (Ex: 'It rejuvenated her, and...' '...the Sonic Rainboom, and as usual...') No Comma needed in those example. There were a few others but not as major an issue as this next and most important one.
Show, Don't Tell: There are a lot of phrases mentioned that 'tell' us something about Rainbow and what she's doing rather than showing. (Ex: 'It rejuvenated her, and despite the protesting muscles in her back, she pushed her wings forward,') when it could be ('Despite the aching muscles of her back, it was rejuvenating and she pressed her wings forward.) As well as this sentence, ('Hooves held forward, she could feel the sheer force of her body colliding against the wind, forming a cone around tips of her forehooves.') Instead of just saying "she could feel the sheer force of her body colliding against the wind" How is she feeling, colliding with the wind? Does it feel like it's plucking the furs from her face? Is it crushing? Instead of telling us 'she could feel' it, show us what exactly it is she's feeling.
Well...That was a much longer post than I had expected but that is the extent of my opinions for this chapter. Other than the stated issues, I could complain about the CAPS LOCK DIALOGUE THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE A PET PEEVE OF MINE but that's just being nitpicky compared to the big picture. Speaking of dialogue, that is so far one of the strongest aspects of this story. I'm glad it wasn't one of those 'instantly-fall-in-love' fics or I might have just turned away and the interaction between them was indeed pretty "d'aww". I'll be looking forward to reading more of this fic.

IraqLobstah

IraqLobstah #11 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · · Storm Clouds ·

Work on the format a bit, and write longer chapters. This kinda story you're going for
will do a lot better if you can explain more in one sitting. Don't cut it off at short intervals,
draw it out as long as you can while still keeping it enjoyable and within your own limits.

UnderThisToque

UnderThisToque #12 · Apr 10th, 2012 · · · Storm Clouds ·

434596
That was the one piece of advice I didn't take to in the earlier critique of my writing. However, after a destroyed laptop and finals, I ended up writing most of this on my Android, and just wanted to get something posted. But, I do appreciate the input, and regardless, next chapter will be a long one due to the sheer magnitude of content..

Fool