The Aftermath.
The dawn of a new day had come again. Everyone that stayed the night, slept soundly throughout Twilight's house. It was early still and the sun was just starting to peek out and signal for all to awaken from sleep. The only one who was up though, was James. He had had another nightmare just a few minutes before, and did not want to go back to sleep. He sat looking out the window at what the storm the previous night had caused, but it was unclear to him because a thick fog had formed outside and covered everything in a dense, grey blanket. He continued looking out the window for a long while, trying to settle back down from his horrific dream. After finally calming down, he went back over to where he was sleeping at and laid down for an hour or so more.
He woke up once again, laying in his bed and listening to the sounds of everyone sleeping. Both Rainbow and Spike snored, but Twilight was quiet. James liked his friends, even if one of them was a little spiteful at first he thought. He got up after a few minutes and quietly walked around so as to not disturb anyone. He picked up a chair from the kitchen table and brought it to the window he was gazing out before. He sat down and propped his legs on the window sill and got comfortable. The fog was still outside, but it had cleared up slightly and exposed some of the landscape.
Some trees had been blown over and the twisted roots exposed, leaving a large earthen hole where they had been previously glued to the ground. The tips of some had been blown off and littered the ground, along with countless branches. Many pony's houses were covered in debris and other things such as trash and shingles from other's houses; a few windows had been broken as well, and the streets were covered in puddles. The storm had certainly done a number on the town and possibly other places as well.
"Hope my little crack shack is still standing." He said quietly to himself. He looked around for a little longer, then got up to stretch. He bent down and touched his toes, then went back up and stretched his back and arms. With a yawn and neck crack, he went over to where he piled his gear on the floor and began to sort it out. He put his rifle and pistol aside and checked them individually to see if any rust was starting to form on them. Luckily he hadn't seen any so he put them back together. He then went to his rucksack, which was damp but fairly dry inside, to sort out the rest of his gear and make sure everything was still in its place. These were the only things he had left that would keep him alive and his weapons working, so he wanted to make sure at all times he had everything.
He laid it all out and perused it with a keen eye, everything was there and accounted for, except one little piece of equipment; his Oakley sun glasses. "How the hell did I miss those? This whole time I've been here and I haven't put them on once, and now I just realize that I don't have them... fuck." He sighed. He put everything back in his bag and zipped it up, still mad that he hadn't noticed the glasses were missing. He laid out his jacket and hung it up on the back of his chair after putting his plate carrier on the backrest. He turned around to put the rest of it on the chair and it all fell backwards from the unbalanced and excessive weight. It fell to the floor with a loud crash. James quickly and as quietly as he could, went back over to it and set it back up properly. He turned back around after fixing it to see that he had woken Rainbow Dash up. She was laying on her side, propped up on her foreleg, looking at him with a friendly smile and soft eyes, even though she had been woken up, which she hated.
"Hey, James. What's up?" She asked in a soft, quiet voice.
"Oh... sorry Rainbow, I didn't mean to wake you up."
"It's okay, no biggie. What are you doing up this early though?"
"Couldn't sleep." He said thinking back to the nightmare he had.
"Oh. Something wrong?" She asked concerned for him.
"No, it's just that I had another bad dream. Not a big deal, it happens." He played it off, even though they tormented him while he slept some nights.
"Really? They seem to be a problem, to me anyway. I mean, from what you've told us all, you've been through a lot of bad stuff."
"Well, yeah, but it's really not a big deal, they're just dreams is all. Nothing real about them." He stated as he propped his rifle up on the chair and holstered his sidearm.
"Well, if you say so, James." She said giving up on it.
"You can go back to sleep Rainbow, I'm just getting my stuff ready to leave here in a few hours or so, it's about 0630 right now, probably head out at 0700 or 0730, I need to get back and see if my house is up or a pile of Lincoln Logs."
"Oh, yeah, I kind of forgot that there was a storm last night. What are Lincoln Logs by the way?"
"They're just a toy for kids to play with, basically just a pile of sticks to make a house. But anyway, if you're up or not I'm rolling out. I'm not trying to be mean, I just need to get back there is all. From the looks of it out there, it more than likely got blown over." He said as he put his boots next to the chair. He then walked back over to where his bed was at, and began to fold the blanket .
"Oh, that's okay, I'm not worried about it. Well then, if you're cool with it, I'm going to go back to sleep. It's been a while since I slept in. Wanna' meet up later today?" She asked as she yawned.
"Sure, I'll probably be at home fixing all of my broken shit, though."
"Okay, well, I'll see ya' later then." She said with a smile, then collapsed back into the couch and closed her eyes.
James waited around for another hour then began to put his gear back on to get ready to leave. He clipped his helmet to his rucksack and let the goggles dangle off the chin strap. He put his jacket on, then cinched the leg cuff strings tight on his pants. He tucked them into his boots then put them on tight, wrapping the laces around at the top. He put his drop leg holster on his belt then secured it to his leg, then stowed his pistol in it. He slung his pack on, then put the sling of his rifle over his shoulder and secured it and headed for the door. He looked at Rainbow for a brief moment as she slept. Her chest rose up and down and her sides expanded as she breathed quietly. "See ya' around, Rainbow." He whispered, then walked out the front door of Twilight's house.
The fog was still thick, the air was cold and the ground was very wet with puddles and mud everywhere on the streets. The humidity in the air quickly began to produce condensation on his face and everything else. As he walked, all of the sticks and other debris would crunch and crack under his weight, sending an echo down the streets that were barren of ponies. It had become slightly easier to see as the sun crept up, but the grey swallowed most of it, along with everything else around it. "Fuck, how in the hell am I going to get out of here, let alone back home? I couldn't see a damn Abrams if it was painted red in this shit!" He said out loud to himself. He continued on and looked around for a street to head down and possibly lead him out of town, but it was nearly impossible. He tried to remember what houses he had passed by that had lead him through town, but they were hard to recognize with being covered in mud, dirt, missing siding and chipped paint.
He stopped to think for a moment and get his bearings on the situation. After a few moments of thinking, he realized he had his compass and quickly grabbed it from his rucksack. His house was towards the southeast and roughly a half mile from the main part of town. He closed his eyes to try and envision his way back through town and soon got his route, but still needed to navigate the dense fog and structured town. With no map it was difficult, but with knowing his way around slightly, he soon found a path to take. He walked down it for a while, following where the compass pointed.
After walking for a few minutes, and running into a few unseen buildings, he came to the outskirts of Ponyville. As he got closer to leaving, the amount of stuff left behind from the storm became more intense with more and more trees being blown over and thicker branches laying on the ground. He approached a small intersection close to where the town emptied out to the rest of the surrounding area, but a large tree had fallen over and blocked the path. "Damn it." He said getting annoyed.
He went to the left where it looked like the street would let out, but as he got closer he could make out what looked like to be a building, half smashed by another large tree. The branches draped on the ground and pieces of wood and other housing material lay scattered everywhere. He could slightly see the bedroom upstairs, but noone was in it. "Well that's good, I guess.." He thought. As he got closer he could hear sounds coming from inside the house. He quickly turned his full attention to it to find out what it was. "Someone in there?" He asked aloud. Hhhuuhhhhh... guuuuhhhh he got in response. He could clearly tell somepony was in distress.
"Oh shit. Whoever is in there, I'm captain James Crossland of the U.S. Marines, I want you to knock loud once for me if you are okay and able to move, knock twice if you can't and need medical assistance!" He yelled in at the building. He quickly unslung his pack and everything else off. Knock... knock. "I hear you, just keep making sounds so I can locate you!" He yelled back. "Corpsman, corpsman!" He yelled out into the town for anypony to hear, but noone came to assist him. He quickly whipped out his pistol and aimed it at a small garden patch, firing two shots at the dirt to avoid ricochet. Bang bang! "Corpsman! Medic! Doctor!" He yelled once more, then turned back to the trapped victim. "Keep talking to me! Knock once if you are a male, twice if female!" Knock knock "Understood, I'll get you out of there ma'am! Just hang tight and I'll make my way in to you, just keep talking to me!" He said once more. The mare would knock randomly to let him know where she was, but it was hard to hear sometimes because it was so faint.
He undid his helmet and strapped it to his head as a safety measure, then detached his rail-mounted flashlight and clicked it on. "Fire! Fire! Fire!" He yelled out to see if anypony would respond to that. Finally somepony did.
"What is all the ruckus going on out here!?" A purple mare with a swirling light purple and white mane and tail asked as she stepped out from her own house. It took her just a moment to realize what was happening. "Oh my, is everything okay!?" She asked now very alert and surprised.
"What's your name?" James asked quickly as he snapped his head up.
"I- I'm Cheerilee, the local school teacher. W- what happened here?" She asked as she quickly trotted over.
"I'm James; someone is trapped in here and she needs help. I need you to get some of your friends or whoever and help me with the lady in here! What is her name?" He ordered.
"Lyra lives here. I have a few friends close by I can get." She offered.
"Go get them Cheerilee, hurry! Lyra, I'm coming in for you, just keep making noises for me!" He yelled as he began to crawl through the barely openable door, having a very hard time with it and almost getting stuck. He turned back around and got back into a good position to try and force it open more. He let go a powerful kick, causing the door to crack; he let another go, and another until there was just enough room for him to squeeze through. He squirmed inside and began to crawl around in the rubble, shining the light over everything. He caught a glimpse of what he thought was Lyra, but it turned out to be just a blanket. "Lyra, I know it might hurt, but I need you to keep making noise so I can get to you!" He called out to her. She had become even quieter with the sounds that James wasn't able to tell if she had stopped or not.
"H-hee-eeellpp." She said very faintly. James quickly went in the direction of where he heard the voice, banging his head a few times on the broken, wood beams; he could tell that she was in very poor shape. He finally found her after a few more minutes of digging and searching. Cheerilee had gotten some of her friends and was back at the house.
"Mister James, we're here! What do you want us to do!?" She asked.
"I need you to make a stretcher to lay her on, and get one of your friends to start clearing out a path for me and her to get out of! Got it!?" He directed.
"Doughnut Joe, Time Turner, start clearing out a path for them. Berry Punch and I will make the stretcher." Cheerilee ordered.
"How will we make it though?" Berry Punch asked looking around.
"There's plenty of shit around ladies, get some sticks from the trees and find some cloth in all of the trash! Lyra keep making noise for me dear, don't stop at all." He said as he dug as fast as he possibly could to get to her. He finally got down enough to do something, but he found that the turquoise mare had a large piece of wood sticking out of her stomach and was very pale in color. "Fuck! She's got a puncture wound to her left abdominal cavity! We're gonna need a doc immediately, how are we looking out there guys!?"
"We're getting the entrance dug out enough for you, those two are still getting stuff for the stretcher thing!" Joe answered.
"Copy! I'm gonna' move her in just a second and we'll head your way, don't stop digging until we're out! Come on Lyra, I didn't tell you to stop, now keep on talking to me. What's your name?" He asked as he moved a few more boards out of the way.
"I- I don't- don't know." She very weakly said. As he moved another board he could see where she had bled at. A large red spot was seen on everything underneath her.
"That's good enough. She's got a concussion!" He yelled out to them, "what day is it Lyra?"
"I don't kn- know."
"That's okay, just stay conscious and focus on me. Now Lyra, I'm going to move you and it will probably hurt. But whatever you do, don't fight me on it, I'm going to get you out of here before this whole thing comes down on us." He warned her. Immediately after it, the two stallions moved a large beam, causing the house to collapse more, a loud crash was heard coming from inside.
"Are you okay!?" Time Turner asked.
"Fine! Just don't let that happen again!" James yelled back. He turned around to find his way out, which had been luckily opened up much better by their digging accident. "Hold up guys, stop! I have a clear shot out, don't do anything!" He shouted out to the stallions. They immediately stopped what they were doing and began to look for the two inside. James turned back around and propped his light up so he could see and take Lyra at the same time. He worked around her and lifted up one of her arms, then the other and began to slowly pull her out. "Aaaaaahhhh!" She screamed, but soon lost consciousness and stopped. "Goddamn it! She slipped out, get that stretcher ready! We're moving the second she's on there!" He yelled out to them as he began to drag her body out.
"They're not ready yet." Joe said as he looked around to see them still trying to get at a piece of cloth to use. He quickly ran to help them, leaving Time Turner to help James when he got out.
"Tell them to be ready when we're out!" James barked. He took the light and looped it uncomfortably in the straps of his helmet so he could use it better. He didn't care that it hurt though and continued to pull Lyra out of the destroyed house. They made it to the exit finally, and waiting there with a partially made stretcher, stood all four ponies. "That thing ready?" He asked.
"Not quite, we don't have enough materials." Cheerilee said. James wasted no time and got on the task.
"Doughnut Joe, support her head so it's not on the ground. Cheerilee and Time Turner, hold this thing up tight, I'll put my jacket on it. When that's done I want Joe and Turner to get on the stretcher to move it to the hospital. Got it?" He asked as he took off his jacket turned it inside out and slid the branches they had gotten through the arm holes, they all nodded and got into position. Once he finished and got it tight, he told the stallions to move the stretcher into place. They brought it over next to her and James rocked her side up to let the makeshift piece of medical equipment slide under, then he rocked her the other way to let it get under her entirely. She was getting more pale by the minute.
"Are we going to the hospital now?" Berry Punched asked in nervous tone due to the stressful nature of the event.
"Yes, start kind of heading there and I'll catch up, just let me throw on my stuff and we'll get it moving quick. If she wakes up on the way there, keep her on there and don't let her fall; she might freak out as soon as she wakes up, if she does, hold her down." He said, directing as he went to quickly strap his gear on. He wasted no time and dove into his vest and holstered his pistol as he ran with his rifle halfway slung over his shoulder and his pack in his left hand. The group had moved just out of his sight, so he started running where he thought they were as he tried to put his vest and bag on. He called out to them and quickly rejoined the band as he still fiddled with everything.
They thundered through the town, trying to dodge the buildings and other obstacles that were in their path as they made their way to the hospital. Mud and water would splash on them as they ran through the puddles. James ran in front as the scouter with Berry Punch as the navigator; James would look out for anything that may slow them down or possibly stop them from moving, Berry Punch directed them all to the right place. Several times they came close to spilling their patient due to turning corners too quick and running into objects. After making it about halfway there, James finally had everything retained so it wouldn't come off, but it was not tightened down; however he was now able to focus on getting Lyra help faster.
They finally made it about one hundred yards from the hospital, so they all began to yell for anypony who might be there to hear and give them help. Noone came out to help them though, and as soon as they made it to the door, Lyra woke up. "Huh, wha-what's going on? Where am I?" She asked as she rolled her head around at them all, then as she began to feel a throbbing pain in her stomach, she looked down to what was causing it. Her eyes grew wide and her mouth went agape, she tried to say something, but was too dumbfounded by what she saw. Blood had crusted over on her fading minty green coat and fresh blood would leak out from the wound when she moved. She very quickly went unconscious again.
"Is she going to be okay? She just woke up then went back out again." Cheerilee said as she trotted to Lyra's side. James paid no attention to her because there was something more important to do: find a way to get through the locked hospital door.
"The fuck, is anyone here!?" He yelled at the double doors as he sent a hard kick into them. His foot connected solid with it, but it didn't open. "Who the fuck locks a hospital!?" He yelled again, "get back and cover your ears if you can." He continued as he pulled out his sidearm. They all looked at him confused, but James didn't wait for them to see what was happening, a life was on the line. He went to the nearest window and pressed the weapon against the glass, firing towards the floor. Bang. Most of the glass fell out as the bullet smashed through it, but some still remained, however, he used the grip of his gun to clear out the rest. He thew his pack inside with his rifle, then vaulted into the building. He cut himself on a few pieces of glass, but he paid no attention to it.
Once inside, he grabbed his rucksack and weapon and went to find the door. He dodged hospital beds and counters and other various things found in such a place as he ran, but the one thing he noticed that was not quite right, there were no patients in the large infirmary. He ran through the room and into the hallway, almost slipping on the dusty laminate floor. He crashed into the wall and made a slight hole in it from his shoulder, but was unfazed by it. He sprinted down the corridor leading into the main entrance and the double doors, crashing through another set of double doors in his way. As he made it to the main receiving area, he found the reason for the door being locked.
The black and white checkered floor had been ripped up, exposing the grey, concrete foundation underneath. White sheets hung from doorways and draped all entrance ways including the door he needed to open; most of the ceiling tiles were missing and showed the latticework pipe running through the complex. He tore the sheet from the door and yelled at everyone to stand back. They all complied and James went to crash it open. The door swung wide and allowed them access. They rushed Lyra inside and resumed running through the halls of the hospital in search of someone.
Cheerilee lead the way as she knew her way around better from the many field trips she and her students had taken there to learn about pony anatomy. As they followed, James would shout out for a doctor, but after winding through more of the construction zones and getting no response, they felt their attempts were feeble and decided to find an operating room with a table. James knew a small amount of medical procedures from what one of his corpsman friends had taught him while on deployment, however, he was not a professional.
They found a door that was open and had a table to work on Lyra with. "Alright, get her up on the table, we're going to tip her just like we did to get her on here. Ready?" He said to them as they prepared the patient. Once they were, they all nodded. "Okay; one, two... three!" He counted, they all lifted her onto the table and James rocked her off; she was still unconscious. "We need to find medical equipment, look through the cupboards, if we can't find anything, I always keep a blowout kit on me and wed can use that."
"If you don't mind me asking, what's a blowout kit?" Time Turner asked as he began to search.
"It's just a med kit used to treat any sort of combat sustained wounds such as gun shots and the like. Most guys have one on them, such as myself." He answered as he too opened up a cupboard, finding rubbing alcohol and a sterile gauze dressing.
"What in the name of Celestia is a... gun?" He asked, absolutely baffled.
"We'll talk abou-"
"What in Equestria is going on here!?" A member of the hospital staff asked as she stumbled into the room they were all in.
"Nurse Redheart! Thank goodness you're here, Lyra has been in a terrible accident and we need help!" Cheerilee explained to the white earth pony.
"What happened to her?" She asked as she trotted to Lyra's unconscious side and perused her over. Very soon after, two more nurses and a doctor rushed into the room.
"She was impaled by a wooden beam and has been bleeding for quite sometime, possibly several hours. It looks like it hit her in the stomach and almost went to her dorsal side. She lost a lot of blood on the way over too, and she possibly has a concussion." James said giving the nurse a diagnosis. She looked Lyra over further as the other staff rushed to look at her as well.
"Nurse Tenderheart and Redheart, Go back to my office and grab my scalpel, forceps, the big tweezers, some cotton swabs, a bottle of antiseptic, local anesthetic, a compression bandage, sterile table paper, and an I.V. to top it off. Hurry!" A brown unicorn with a short, buzzed, brown mane and glasses told the two nurses. He and nurse Sweetheart stayed behind to look after the patient with everyone else. "Alright everypony and... um... I'm sorry I don't know who you are. I've heard of you though, the human that has come to stay with us." The doctor asked James.
"I'm James, James Crossland."
"Well mister James, I'm doctor Strong Hale, pleasure to meet you. Unfortunately it is under these conditions, though." He formally stated, "now, if you all could stand outside when the nurses come back, that would help very much. Alright, I need you to tell me exactly what happened to her, James."
"I was staying the night at Twilight Sparkle's house and had woken up, so I started back for home and I came upon Lyra's deconstructed house with her in it. I climbed inside to get her and found her under a large pile of debris and a pretty good sized splinter in her abdominal section. We brought her over on the stretcher you see over yonder where she had passed out at, and with your doors being locked I broke a window to get inside, that brings up to this point. Look, doc, she is in really bad condition and I don't thunk she'll make it much longer. I've dealt with death in combat before and she looks like someone who has been shot and left to die slowly. If we don't do something quick, she will die."
"I agree with you. The wood is fairly deep in her and she looks pale. Was there a lot of blood where you pulled her out at?" He asked.
"There was some, but it didn't seem like enough to turn her so pale, there's some on my jacket, but still not enough; possibly internal bleeding." He added to the diagnosis.
"Very possible. This may have hit some other vital organs as well, in which case those two need to be back here right now." Hale added, gathering more valuable information. The two nurses came running back in with the supplies and quickly began to set up a sterile working environment, Nurse Tenderheart began the I.V. drip to keep her fluids and blood level up, along with the anesthetic to numb the pain. Everyone else stepped outside, James picked up the makeshift stretcher and brought it out with them. He dismantled it and took his jacket and the piece of cloth, then threw the pieces of wood outside the hospital. He returned to the others a few minutes later with his jacket draped over his arm, blood was stained around the collar and upper chest area, but he wasn't bothered too badly by it.
They all stood crowded around the door, waiting to see how the operation turned out. At first, they weren't able to hear much, other than the staff talking. But after a few minutes, Lyra woke up again. Her weak screams of pain and confusion barely escaped the door as the doctor removed the large piece of wood. Blood spilled out as it was removed, further staining her very pale coat. When it finally came out, the doctor set the wooden stake aside and looked the wound over. Indeed it had almost gone through her backside, and in the process of it being shoved through, it had caught part of her stomach and a large portion of her appendix, tearing them and leaving small splinters in the gnarled tissue.
As the pain medication kicked in, she quieted down more, but she was weak and growing weaker and had trouble forming coherent sentences. The doctor quickly grabbed one of the forceps and tried to close the hole in her stomach, luckily she was unable to feel any pain it may have caused. He was unable to do anything for the small appendix that had completely broke open, spilling out all of the lethal bacteria contained inside. He looked at it for a second and realized what this meant for Lyra. "Oh no." The doctor whispered as his eyes went wide with horror and his heart dropped to his stomach.
"What is it?" Nurse Redheart asked as she moved to where he was standing.
"Her appendix has ruptured..." He said, still staring at the open wound.
"No... d-does that mean..." She asked nervously as she too knew what it meant.
"I-I'm afraid it does." He replied. The whole room fell silent and the world seemed to stop spinning as the sudden realization of Lyra's fate became known.
"How long do you think she has?" Redheart asked after a few moments.
"I don't know, I'm surprised she's lasted this long." He said looking her over further, she had become even more pale, almost light grey, as her life slowly left her. Her breathing was shallow and she was very quiet.
"W-what should we do?"
"I... I don't know, I've never lost a patient bef-" He was cut off by a very soft female voice.
"P-please, t-tell BonBon th-that I l-love her." Lyra said just barely audible enough for the doctor and nurse to hear.
"No-no! Stay with me Lyra! Listen to my voice, stay with me!" The doctor shouted at her as he frantically searched for something to do that would miraculously save her life. His attempt was futile, and with one last breath and bright flash of yellow aura from her horn, Lyra Heartstrings passed away on the operating table. The last thing that she though of was the smiling face of her beloved marefriend, BonBon. The doctor closed Lyra's eyelids and pressed his forehead against hers as tears dripped from his eyes; he muttered a prayer in Celestia's name, then accepting her passage, regained some composure.
James and the others crowded around the door to better hear what the commotion was. They all looked at each other with confused faces when they no longer heard anything. After a few minutes of silence, the doctor opened the door, his white apron had minute splotches of blood on it. He looked at them all with a disappointed and ashamed expression as tears came back to his eyes. "Fillies and gentlecolts, I-I regret to inform you- I regret to inform you... th-that Lyra Heartstrings... has- has passed away from a ruptured appendix." They all looked at him with shocked faces as their hearts sank as well. They stepped back and gave the doctor some room to breathe, then took a long moment of silence to let the news to settle in.
After a few minutes had passed, Doughnut Joe broke the silence. "So what's going to happen now?"
"Now... we have to open the morgue and bring in her family to identify her, then set up funeral arrangements. Listen, this is hard for anypony, especially when you see somepony right before they die, but for all of your sake, there is a counselor here that you can see ." Strong Hale stated.
"Thank you, doctor." James said, he had been through death before and was better prepared for it, although he still did not like it. All the others were still in too much of a shocked state to do much.
"Doctor, why did she have to die?" Berry Punch asked devoid of any emotion.
"I don't know Berry, but it so very unfortunately happened. There was nothing we could do for her, no matter what we could have tried, nothing would have saved her."
"Nothing? Not anything at all!? It was only a stick though! How come something like that killed her!?" She yelled at him as tears began to stream down her face. Berry Punch and Lyra had been decent friends, and with her death so suddenly, she could still not cope with what was happening.
"I know this hurts, it hurts us all in so many ways, but you must understand that everything that happened to her caused her a fatal wound that even the strongest stallion could not live through. When it happened, it happened, and nothing could have been done to prevent it." He said trying to calm her down
"Why did it have to be her though!?" She yelled once more as she cried. Cheerilee turned and embraced her to give her some form of comfort. She quickly returned the gesture and started sobbing all over Cheerilee. The others stood and looked at each other, not knowing what else they could do. Doctor Strong Hale had excused himself to let the other staff know what had happened and to get a coroner for the body.
James slightly distanced himself as well to look at his watch, it was only eight thirty. "It's going to be one of those days." He thought.
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you bastard
...jk, though I hope what was setup is good
I fully support the way you killed off Lyra. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad it had to be her, but at least it was well done.
As long as important elements are in place I can appreciate a story. (even if the main character gets half his body blown to hell just to continue the story)
Lets all have a moment of silence for Lyra.......................
in the situation she was in, I was kind of glad that she died rather then being fixed up by some completely ridiculous last second magic spell because that always ruins the flow of the story
3055821 I agree with you on that. It's kind of bullshit when that happens.
3054730 Huh? Are you talking about the first chapter?
3054592 Well good, I'm glad I pulled it off better than I was expecting. At least in your eyes anyway.
MY question for you all though, would it have been better if she hadn't died? I've been thinking about it for most of the day and since it seemed like a good idea before posting, I went through with it. However, if she was able to be saved or simply had a different problem, would that have been a better choice?
3056157
First chapter of the story that my friend is writing.
3057170 Oh, I see.
3056157 Your question is a hard one to answer. I hate to see Lyra die but if helps the story then so be it. That being said if her being saved helps the story out then awesome. You would think her being saved would help the story more than her dying simply cause James found her and it is his job to help ponies? Anyway its not my story but thats how I see it.
Just one of those days, you know, when lovable goofball gets killed in a gruesome accident. Just kind of get used to it.
Jeeze, that was dark. Nice work!
3056157 If her death is important for the story in any way, even if its just giving surrounding ponies a better edge in having to deal with death in the coming fight then I would keep it, although in the short term, rather than adding some tension (for lack of a better word) to the story, I didn't really see why Lyra had to die.
Edit: A good example would be Lyra's death leading to James thinking he is inadequate for the job and getting distracted which could lead to a good story arc for him getting over the first Pony casualty at his hands
Just to add my 2cents, not only would it be the first Pony casualty he faced, but possibly the first civilian casualty as well (Unless I missed something way back......Which is fully possible).
NOT LYRA!!!!! please give me a minute.......... *crying in the back ground
* ok sure sure i'm sad about lyra dying but at least she died in a well written way
I think I might read this story on youtube with your permission
You will be missed Lyra.
Alright, I'll try to get this in a few comment boxes instead of a bunch of them. Sorry I'm late on responses, I had a family reunion in Wyoming this weekend and got back today. So, with no more rambling, I shall begin.
3058083 I see what you're saying. Most of everything that I have put in has had relevance and good reasoning as opposed to just random tidbits and shit like that; so Lyra dying wasn't just some random thing that won't get any more attention, it has it's purpose no doubt.
3058295 One of those days, yes. When your lovable, goof ball buddy is next to you in a firefight and then next he's gone and dead. After you experience the death of your best of friends and even your brother, death becomes just a normal part of life and in fact just seems like nothing and you only act surprised (or at least to me it seems).
3058596 Most of the things that have been put in have some sort of part to play even the somewhat questionable pieces have been thought of thoroughly and with several different scenarios on which ever way it could go. Now with your scenario of the other ponies being better attuned to death for the conflict; nopony else knows about the eventual battle, so I couldn't take it that way just yet, however, the things that you have mentioned have given me some more ideas that I could work with. So with that, I thank you
.
3070389 And I will watch and see what that purpose is to. Cause I be damned if Lyra dies and shit don't happen
3059332 The last part of what I replied to Padwan with can be said just the same for you. You guys keep bringing ideas in that I hadn't thought of before and for that, I thank you very much. I devote a lot of time to this story for you guys and I want it to be perfect, so the more stuff you guys think of along with my jumbled thoughts, the better.
3060093 Roger that X-Ray one, I got your five by five. You copy my last?
I'm glad you're liking the story so much. I'll definitely keep in mind your possible help in the future.
3062305 I'm glad I was able to get it in a decent way. Some people have done these same types of things, but it was poorly delivered. I even though the way I did it was mediocre at best, but then again I think that about everything.
3063788 If you did that, I would jizz in my pants. You have my permission on it all the way, but before you do, I'd like to discuss somethings first.
3069626 Never forget those that have fallen.
3070409 If shit doesn't happen, I give you personal permission to give me a straight shot right in the pills.
I'm listening what do you need to discuss...pluss i said might if I have the time
3070620 First, before you decide to do it or not, I'd like to go back and edit everything so it all matches up with what I'm writing now. I found a few errors in here that didn't quite correlate with the story as of lately; such as James having a brother named Andy, then I go back to find that I had a small part as Andy being named Ryan. Second, Will you be going through with it all the way to the end, or just the first few chapters that I have now?
Edit: I believe that's all I had, if anything else comes up I'll be sure to ask you. If you do decide to do this, that would be so awesome!
I'm sorry, but I started laughing when she muttered her last words about Bon-Bon.
However, I still want to see how Lyra's death is important to the story. Maybe to show that nopony is safe.
EDIT: I'll get those grammar mistakes to you when I have time tonight. I'm super busy on weekdays due to cross country and anime MMORPGs!
3071536 Don't be, it was kind of cheesy, I just didn't want her to go without saying anything.
Okay well 1: I do it all the way 2:something I should bring up is I have crapy equipment (I POD) and I'm not famous on youtube
3072725 That's fine man. If it will record your voice and you can hear it clearly, then that's perfect. I'm not too popular on jewtube either, but hey, it all starts somewhere. Same with this story. Just gotta jump in.
Well I'll do it then when I have the time Sooo most likely tonight my channel is Banticandgiovani......I need to make a new channel
3073674 Cool man, send me a little sample when you get some of it done. My youtube channel is USMC517.
3071536 Oh, you're doing XC? Woop woop! I'm in college now and they don't have a team, so I have to keep up on it on my own. I'm starting to get kinda fat...
3080094 Yeah man! Just ran my first 5K yesterday. Felt great.
Also, sorry for those lack of grammar fixes. I completely forgot and was too busy anyways. I'll try this weekend though!
3093574 No worries man! Take your time. Did you run a race, or was it just practice?
3093612 It was an actual race- an invitational between schools. They cancelled the race when we were 3 minutes in because of lightning, and once it was safe we were crammed in with the girls' team. Very interesting
.
Oh heavens just look at the time- lunch! We need to talk on Skype more often.
3093661 Oh they did? That sucks, that would have made the race very interesting. You get any digits from the bitches?
I agree, we need to skype more often. I've got school from 1530-1730 on mondays, wednesdays and fridays.
3093819 Please. I was too sweaty from working so hard to get any digits. Plus, Faze is too great for any of the girls
. I will try to talk Tuesdays, Thursdays, and weekends!
3070389 I have that effect sometimes
Welp, finally finished this.
It's decent, but dripping of Marty Sue, unnatural feeling dialog, and overly descriptive/redundant said tags.
I want to like James, but everyone already seems to love him almost unconditionally, so I can only loath him.
The dialog gets the point across, but in a way no natural person would speak. Best suggestion is to really listen to how people talk, try transcribing a normal conversation, omitting the "uh"s and "ah"s.
And said tags shouldn't have to explain what the dialog has already said, and they should never quote the lines themselves.
3225686 Thank you! Finally! Someone who says something I can improve on other than Faze about grammar! This will take me a little to explain and the like, so please, bare with the length of this. Alright, so starting with the Marty Sue, I had to go research that first as I didn't know what it was (I've heard it, but never really looked into it). Now after seeing what it is, yeah, this sort of is a little moist with Marty sue. But the thing is, is that James may seem like he can do anything and everything at this point. Not true as it progresses. But everything that I have described and put into him, really are the traits and knowledge that a MARSOC operator can do and is trained to do; and with being an officer, can lead.
The dialog: this as of lately I have been having troubles with because I can't get into the right mood with my dad always getting on my ass about being on the computer, so I get yanked out of it. When I do though and get it all flowing, it comes out as it does. I've constructed the dialog literally how I speak to people, and how I hear other people speak. I constantly hear other people say "uh" and "ah", and a lot of the time I personally say "oh". I'm not the greatest at conversing in the first place, so it does make it a little harder.
The tags: when you say that they repeat themselves and are too descriptive, has it gotten worse as the chapters continued until recently, or has it been through the last five or six chapters? I've been feeling that same thing but I don't really know what to do about it because that's just what I've come to know at this point. And no one else has said anything about it, so I just assumed people liked it and gave it no more thought. I've been trying to describe stuff in detail, but obviously have been having troubles with it, I want the picture to come across in people's minds, but I guess too much detail is bad then.
The loving of James: Alright, yes, as of right now, they like him, he stood up for RD in front of hundreds of ponies at the concert and cast out the bullies that had been mean to everyone else, personally I wouldn't say the LOVE him, but they do like him a great deal. But as i have planned, this will change very soon; like next chapter soon. I have taken notice of the issue as this has progressed and certainly wanted to change that. That's actually kind of the reason why I wrote the most recent chapter. The reason the ponies seem to be like this (or at least in my mind), is that they are already a peaceful nation, and since they don't see him as a threat, why hate the guy? Sure they WERE scared of him at first, but he basically came out and said that he wasn't a threat, then the meeting with the mayor seemed to seal the deal for me, or at least I would have if I was really in the situation, but would still be skeptical of the man.
Back to the tags: So they run at the end and kind of recap what has been said, and an expression is added with it. This is what I've really known how to run this show so far because no one has seemed to have a problem with it, so it just became the way it's done. So this is distracting and annoying? How can I do this better? I don't want a proof reader though so please don't suggest one, it makes me feel like I can't do shit on my own and I hate that more than anything. When you say the tags should never quote the lines themselves, I don't quite follow, could you explain more or in a different way?
Sorry this was so long, I felt i should get it all out and not dilly dally. Thanks a bunch for the input, it helps so much!
3225686 Out of ten, ten being the best thing you've read on this site; not including My Little Dashie if you've read it, because nothing can compare with how fucking awesome that was, at least in my opinion. So ten being the best, what would you rate this as?
3226002
After reading your reply, I'm a almost a little sad I didn't see it sooner.
I'll be working in the same order as your reply. Please remember, this is not meant to be harsh, think of it in the "buddy punching your arm" kinda way, this is how I handle every bit of critique I give, from strangers to lifelong friends.
Knowing and admitting the problem is the first step towards recovery :P
For the Marty Sue thing, it's no where close to the worst I've seen, and I think it can be handled in future chapters rather easily. Now, I understand he's a badass, some of the problem is that I'm reminded of it by being told he's awesome and being told people think he's awesome. The old tip of "show, don't tell" is applicable here. I understand he's a MSOR operator (still lobbying for Marine Special Forces Teams, 'cause MSFTs/"Miss-Fits" sounds cool), but again, it seems like I'm being reminded of it a bit too much.
Another problem is, people seem a little too agreeable and forgiving, I know they're nice, but they seem almost fawning towards him, at times they remind me of mini-groupies. I may just be looking at it wrong for that, but that's just what I take from it. Now, I see you intend to deal with this, but please tread lightly, else you might end up worse off if you're not careful.
For the dialog, I guess my beef with it is that it feels really formal, even with the flavorful sprinkling of profanity. An example that stood out to me particularly was "It's just a med kit used to treat any sort of combat sustained wounds such as gun shots and the like. Most guys have one on them, such as myself." it's pretty long winded and over-explanatory given what's happening, as my friend often tells me "Use your damn war-words!". I will give some slack on this, I've been known to have some very long winded call-outs, I've been told to "Put the f***ing thesaurus down and shoot" several times.
For the tags, I'd say it's gotten better. I'm still getting a hang of the standard digital formatting myself, but I'd say a little more use of the Enter button after a dialog tag could help the readability a bit, though that's a little off topic...
It's good that you're trying to work in as much detail as you can, but cramming too much detail is a very common problem for amateur writers, especially in dialog tags- I can attest to this, I'm barely working over it myself.
I might be OCD about it or something, but seeing the dialog tags recapping or previewing what the dialog is, really slaps me out of my immersion. The dialog should be able to speak for itself, while context should indicate who it's addressed to and who it's from, the "said tags" should try to stay out of the way. They're particularly jarring when the same descriptive word is used in the tag and in the dialog ex:[It was clear she was getting tired, "Man, I'm really starting to get tired"]
Another thing is to try to avoid using names over and over again, if possible, get a clear flow to the conversation so the names don't even have to be used after a while if its a long talk.
I know you said you don't want a pre-reader, but just having someone check to make sure you don't miss anything particularly glaring is really nice to have. I know where you're coming from with that, though, but I've always seen them as a challenge, not something to shy away from, always trying to one-up them so they can't bitch about anything.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd have to give it about a 6.5/7 of 10. See, I want to love it, but little bits just nag at me and sometimes I have to go to the bar so I don't say or do something I'll regret. :P
And thanks for listening, wanting to improve and accepting critiques is so much better than thinking you're God's literary gift to the world and trying to use your OC to prove it.
3226382 Hey man, sorry I took so long to get back, I've been sort of in and out this week and a lot this weekend with skydiving and fishing. So, here we go now. You didn't come off harsh at all to me, at first I was a little stunned because no one has really said anything yet, but it's all good and I'm glad I've gotten positive feedback.
For the Marty Sue, how would you propose that I could show and not tell? I thought I did a maybe decent job in the first 3-4 chapters with it, but I can't for sure say. A little off topic but in line with your comment: I don't think that the Marines have a regiment for special operations, they have an MSOB (spec. ops. battalion) and MSOT (spec. ops. team) as far as I know. I know what you mean when you say Marine special forces team, but "special forces" doesn't really apply to any branch other than the Army which has special forces AKA the Green Berets, they are the special forces. Instead the Corps would be special operations/operators, along with the Navy and Air Force. I'll try to keep it a little more down with the "Hey motherfucker, I'm captain James Crossland of the USMC and will fuck your shit up!"
Back on topic, the reason I have portrayed the people as liking him and not having any aggressive or malcontent towards James is because he didn't do anything wrong to them, so what's there to hate? I figured.
I unfortunately have to cut this short for now, sorry about this. I'll get back to you tomorrow or Tuesday.
3245287
Fishing I can understand, but skydiving? Crazy-ass way to get an adrenaline high, got a friend trying to get his jump wings, never understood that whole deal. I leave the jumping out of planes to the VDV and their retro-rocket-ing APCs.
Toning down "I am Captain Badass of the People You've Never Heard Of" should help a good bit :P
After he was introduced and had a bit of his backstory explained, he should be him, not "Captain Badass of the PYNHO"*. It just kinda feels like a lot of focus is on informed abilities and his position, rather than what he's doing. As for the way people act, it seems a neutral or negative general reaction would be the standard. This extends to his friends, they may be friends, but trust isn't instant, especially for what is to them, an alien killing machine.
However, Rainbow Dash in a boonie hat is awesome.
A bit of digging (that I of course crosschecked with wikipedia to ensure accuracy
), there's the MSOR that contains the MSOBs (no s**t?) that was originally the Marine Special Operations Advisor Group (MSOAG).
I still think a little bit of renaming would be that much of a problem, it'd be much more awesome to be a member of the "Miss-Fits" than being in an "Em-Sot" member. Badasses deserve cool acronyms 'n stuff.
*"Pine-Ho!"
3245556 My lack of replying to people is disturbing. I just got back from hunting these past four days and I had no time to reply on Tuesday. Just picked my MAROSC book back up after a while of it being closed and found you were right, it goes from MARSOC and extends to three things, MSOR, MSOS, MSOSG. Then MSOR goes to the 1st-3rd MSOBs, and they detach to MSOCs, MSOTs, Tng Cells, and with the 1st MSOB is an additional Det West.
So back to what we were discussing; and I really am glad that you told me what you thought in depth, unlike the other people who just said they wanted more and everything was just fine.
I'm not sure as to what this PYNHO is. Do explain please? Is it maybe Place/People You Never Heard Of? Anyway, I thought I did have the Six ponies as being skeptical/ uneasy feeling about him? I mean, with Flutter Shy and Twilight (Twiliy especially) in the first few chapters, but he explained himself to the two, along with Rainbow. When they all finally met, I had them find out what James IS, but not really what he DID. Eventually the meeting with Princess Celestia came and they all found out that he kills shit. However, I think that you are looking at it like most people and maybe I didn't do as good of a job at it as I thought, but I tried to portray him as not a mindless killing machine like most people see the military, but as a guy that wants to help the world and save the innocent, even if it means ending lives to save them. Shit I cried when I wrote the part with James saying that to Dash.
For the dialogue which I know could use work, I do believe that a good portion of this is due to lack of sleep on my part and I've noticed that the quality of my work has gone down for everything. So how would you propose that I could not be as formal because I'm just using how I usually speak, and the flavorful profanity, is it good or bad? With the blow-out kit line, it really could have been done better and I'd have to say the whole chapter could use a lot of work. You speak as if though you are in the military by saying " I've been told to "Put the f***ing thesaurus down and shoot" several times." Are you? If so, bitchin, if not, eh, whatevs.
Detail: Less description but still able to get the picture across clearly is what we're going for. Recapping dialogue does happen quite a bit for sure, but I do try to my best to get away from saying the same shit over and over. Could you possibly show me the best way it is for you to get immersed into the story ion a sentence or two? That'd help a lot.
A 6.5/7, shit, I'd thought it would be worse than that! If you're ever talking to me, say whatever is on your mind, I don't give a flying fuck about political correctness, or feelings; words are words, what's gonna happen, you gonna spank me, take away my birthday? I always reply to comments and the like on all my stuff, you took the time to comment and I will too. Catch ya on the flip side :)
3278174
Fishing, skydiving, now hunting, lucky bastard :P
I always try to provide at least somewhat helpful critique for something I enjoy. Something I learned a long time ago, praise without substance (lovegush) may be good for the ego, but it does nothing to help an artist grow. Every flaw pointed out opens the artists eyes to it, and hopefully, they won't make the mistake in the future.
You got the PYNHO right, gonna have to trademark that someday...
As to the trust issue, it just feels a bit rushed, almost like they're trying to win his trust rather than the other way 'round. It's been a while since I've read the story, so I don't want to delve to deep into foggy details. The feeling I got was that he should have been more hard-pressed to earn forgiveness for much of anything. Now, I understand that things would develop quickly over the course of an episode, but that's up to several days crammed into 22:05 so there is a bit of a mood whiplash in the infinite time allowance available to written work. This is a sorta pacing issue really.
I agree with going against the "mindless killing machine" stereotype. The fact that it's not a black-and-white issue tends to be lost these days. Though, I do get a little "real American hero!" vibe.
The cursing adds character, it's good. It helps spice up the dialog a bit, as it is little flat and breaks up some of the over-formality. As for fixing it? That's a bit hard, perhaps something like trying to work out what you'd say in a given situation, rather than the situation being a hypothetical line of text. It's easy to slip into over-eloquence when behind a keyboard, but imagine you're dealing with a life or death situation where seconds count.
I would very well be in the Marines right now (a 0311 with my luck), but I took a piece of a pry-bar through my eye one day before I was scheduled to see a recruiter. So my experience is limited to mil-sim events, some lessons with local CAP, and having almost all my friends be in-service. I did get pretty good with the AN/PRC-117 and -148, just enough for extremely long-winded call-outs.
For detail, it's kinda hard to describe. Pretty much, if something's happening, you don't want to lay it on too thick, or the reader will start skimming and you really don't want anything important mixed in with something people may just skip to get to something more interesting.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLawOfConservationOfDetail covers this pretty well.
Pretty much, don't let the text get in the way of plot (not that kind of plot).
I admittedly, I be a little generous with the score than others, but I see this really going somewhere. I'd never spend this much time analyzing and trying to help something I didn't see having potential.
3278547 Hey man. I know I'm super late with a reply and I know this isn't much of one, but I'll get back to you with more discussion tomorrow.
3345004
'S all good, I'll just have to keep guessing what random adventure you went on over the weekend :P
3345011 I built a fucking shed.
3345013
Ah, that sounds a lot more fun than a tool shed.
3345019 It is a tool shed...
3345030
Well you said it was a fucking shed
3349414 Okay, hold up a second here. It's gonna go through a whole editing session here in a bit, so if and when you want to, come back in a few months to see what's changed as I'm not satisfied with how it's gone either. Now I respect your opinions fully, but dude, what in the fuck was that? Sure, dislike the story and how it's written that's all fine, but then you get pissy at me personally? That's fucked up. So a soldier is only for his country and no one else's? I agree a good amount with that, but then what is the purpose of ISAF and NATO? The U.S. military provides humanitarian aid to other nations, as well as freeing the people of other nations; shit the SOCOM guys even train guys like the ANA and ANP. Keeping our nation safe and the constitution upheld; protecting the rights and liberties of American citizens; helping other nations who are not able to defend themselves. That is our current standing military.
I don't recall saying anywhere in the story that he doesn't have the right to be selfish, but the fact that he was called on to help another nation and he didn't even want to give it a thought; a nation that has not had a war in thousands of years, one that is inadequate to defend itself, one that can do nothing to help its people, and James didn't give it a thought, I see that as selfish. He died anyway, his fight on earth was over, his exfil had come. Now he is being called on by a new nation that needs the help of someone who can actually get the job done with no bullshit. So they would have brought him to their place to help, and they had to rely on him to accept that what they were asking of him wasn't truly fair, and how could it ever be? It still had to be done. The mentality of SOF operators stands with things like this: you're in a really shitty situation. Tough. Deal with it. Adapt and overcome.
In the end though, I still accomplished my task. You felt something, be it anger, sadness, whatever, you still felt something.
3278547 Alright, here we go.
The love gush was nice, but you're right, it didn't help me do better. But with your critique, it has opened my eyes to shit I don't like and stuff I didn't even realize what I was doing.
Trust issue. I see what you're saying that it should be the opposite way around. So, when you say "The feeling I got was that he should have been more hard-pressed to earn forgiveness for much of anything". Did you mean that he should not have, or that he should have and I'm not reading this correctly. I'll be working on the pacing issue coming up here.
I'm glad you can get the American hero vibe.
So that addition of vulgarity does spice it up in a good way. Excellent, I didn't fuck everything up. I'm starting to see now how I can fix this problem; what I was trying to do before was really really trying hard to emulate what I think an operator would be like, but I was so off on it
. They're mature in what they do, but what they say, shit they're just a bunch of good ol boys bullshittin away, really.
That sucks that you took some shrapnel to the eye. That really sucks. You think the Corps would grant a waiver if it doesn't affect you too badly? That's pretty sweet you've gotten to mess around with the comms though. Kind of jealous actually.
Detail. My boss Brain is always cracking jokes and telling funny stories and stuff like that, and while he was telling a story, I was able to create a perfect image in my mind, and he didn't go into any sort of thick detail, yet I saw the whole scene clearly. I now know what needs to be done to correct the issues here. I read the link you sent me, damn does it have a lot of excellent information. And believe me, the plot that I thought of was the story type; I don't clop, that's just weird.
I'm glad you see this as having potential, and soon it will be very ready to continue on and get to a resolution. Thanks again for all the help with pointing out errors.