Nana
“How is she?”
“Not as good today. I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you.”
The door to the sterile nursing home room opened to reveal the pegasus lying on the elevated bed. The younger pegasus lowered her head as she tip hoofed around her sleeping Nana while the nurse closed the door behind her. She carefully hovered over a chair next to her grandmother and lowered herself into it. The air from her wings barely moved the grayed magenta hairs on the elder’s head.
She would let her sleep.
“Are you going to help us build a snowpony, Nana?” the little one called to the shivering pegasus on the porch while her younger sibling gamboled in the drifts. The filly was too young to notice just how carefully her Nana watched her. The elderly pony refused but stayed on the porch, watching the two fillies build a clumsy snowpony.
“Come on in. It’s getting dark,” she called to them when the sun wasn’t even close to the horizon. Despite their protests, their Nana had her say, and they left an unfinished snowpony to fend for itself while they clattered inside the house.
“When are Mommy and Daddy getting here?” the younger filly asked, her flank still unmarked.
“Tomorrow evening. Come by the fire, Dawnflight, Nightlight.”
“Is our snowpony lonely?” the younger filly, called Nightlight, asked.
“Snow doesn’t have feelings. Be sure to knock it off of yourselves.” Nana said easing herself into the rocking chair next to the wood stove. The fillies obeyed, snuggling close to each other while the warmth radiated to dry their coats, manes, and tails. Their Nana smiled at them as they chatted casually about nonsense. Dawnflight watched the flames playing behind the slits of the wood stove's door. Her own flank had received its mark: a spark of flame. She shared her grandmother’s love for warmth...but didn’t understand the hate Nana had for snow. After hours of pleasant chatting the fillies needed to go to bed.
Except, Dawnflight knew she had to ask the question that had been bugging her before she could sleep.
“Time for bed,” Nana said, poking her head from the kitchen where cups and plates were being put away. She had said the same thing moment before and Nightlight had run upstairs to obey.
“Mommy and Daddy said I could stay up later.”
“Ah, that’s right. You’re a big girl.”
“Nana...why do you hate snow?”
There was the sound of a cabinet door meeting wood before the orange pegasus slowly appeared in the doorway. Her face was neutral, but there was a hint of a look Dawnflight would receive many times after this: the look that said “maybe...just this once.”
Nana, with some difficulty, got down on the floor next to her granddaughter before speaking.
“Do your parents let you hear ghost stories?” she asked, the rays from the wood stove fire barely illuminating the wrinkles of her venerable face surrounding magenta eyes.
“Well...I’ve read them.” That prompted a laugh.
“I see. Well, while you may not understand everything...I think I can tell you now.” she said with a groan as she stretched and settled herself for a long tale.
“Can I get you anything?” a nurse asked the pegasus who was lost in her own thoughts.
“Oh, no thank you... How long do you think--”
“Probably a couple of minutes. Sometimes she sleeps a little longer, especially recently.”
“Thank you...for taking care of her. Is she happy here?”
“Well...she’s had her moments... but I believe she is. She interacts with the others here and keeps herself busy when she’s not sleeping.”
“Ok.”
“Well, let me know if you or her need anything. The button is right there.” she said, leaving again after pointing to the red button on the nightstand. When she left the bright yellow pegasus looked back to her Nana.
It amazed her how she never realized her grandmother was growing older until looking back and seeing the difference. What seemed like a mass of wrinkles then was now only a taste of what would appear. Almost all the magenta was gone from her mane. Aches that had seemed like such an annoyance before were multiplied. She didn’t remember seeing her grandmother change. She don’t remember growing older, herself. Perhaps she never saw Nana age because no matter what her condition, she never changed from the grandmother who sat next to her granddaughter over a decade ago.
“This is the story,” Nana began, “of the night I became an orphan. It’s not pleasant but...I’m not one to lie to you.’
‘One night, when I was too young to remember, a mare and a stallion returned home from visiting an earth pony friend. They had taken a few too many glasses of drink and sought an inn they would find if they could follow the muddled directions of a partygoer who had also had too much. To get to the inn they could follow the road or take a shortcut leading through an open field. They made the wrong choice and went through the field.
"It was snowing that night. Snowing hard. The New Year was being celebrated by everypony. I was wrapped in a shawl close to my mother’s chest. She and the stallion walked against the wind that carried a few flakes. The wind wasn’t harsh enough to chill the warmth they carried from the party. They laughed raucously and still managed not to wake me as they stumbled through snow reaching only above their fetlocks. They leaned against each other for warmth as they swayed across the field. The light from the party grew fainter as more snowflakes came between it and us.
"My mother looked around her, probably admiring the beauty of snowfall on a winter’s night. It wasn’t until the stallion complained that she lowered her head and quickened her pace next to him. The night was growing too dark to see more than a few feet in front of us anyway. Thick clouds muffled a full moon casting enough light to see the flakes that fell on their faces.
"The stallion grumbled, remarking that they should have taken the road. I think my mother began to worry then. I think she realized that perhaps they should have been a little more sober before leaving. They stopped and her hoof went to me in her shawl. She should have brought her long coat but she had dressed for style, not for warmth. He only wore a scarf and hat. These had gathered snow and were wet with melted ice or frozen by the wind.
"They turned back and realized they there were about to become very lost. The snow was now falling thicker, colder, more harshly. The snow blocked out any light from the house they had left. Their hoofprints were slowly disappearing behind them, softened by falling snowflakes; mere depressions filling fast. The wind had begun to bite.
"They argued about something but half of what they said was drowning out by frustration and the hissing of wind. After their argument the stallion turned in the direction he believed they had come from and cantered away in the ever-deepening snow. She followed him but with her shorter legs and bundle she couldn’t keep up. Her calls were lost in the storm. He was never heard from again.”
Dawnflight couldn’t stop her shudder. How could he have abandoned a mare and her child? What happened to him? Her Nana looked at the filly with concern.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t—”
“Please, tell me what happened to you and your mother. What happened next?”
The elderly mare shifted again and snuggled closer to her granddaughter, wrapping her wing around her.
“After the stallion abandoned her, she turned and continued in the direction we were initially going in. The snow was growing harsher every moment. It actually stung her eyes even when she squinted to see ahead of herself as the rays from the moon would occasionally light the falling snow, surrounding us in walls of silver blue. I was still asleep. I had no idea what danger I was in. My mother continued, blind at points because the snow stung her eyes too often. She would breathe snowflakes in and choke. She couldn’t cover her nostrils and hurry at the same time. Her breath was harsh as the window forced it into her lungs. Whenever he exhaled, ice built up on her muzzle. Her mane and tail were frozen almost solid.
"She didn’t see the ground was uneven. Her hoof slipped on a hidden rock and her leg snapped loudly. She collapsed for a while and held me close. Finally she screamed for help. Nopony heard her. She looked up and saw a very faint light in the distance. She didn’t even know if it was real but she had to at least try. Her limbs were going numb but she could still feel the incredible pain when she tried to step on her broken foreleg again. I woke up when she fell on top of me and began crying. I’m afraid...I’m somewhat responsible for what happened to her.
"She could have survived. She could have dragged herself through the snow that almost reached her barrel. But, she could only bring herself if she did that. She would have to let me die. Snow cleared enough that she could see the light was indeed a true light and not just an illusion. But the wind was still too powerful to let her ragged voice pass no matter how loudly she screamed. My mother tried to wet her throat with snow and while she did receive water...she made it that much easier to freeze to death. My mother was found the next day. I was put up for adoption. If there hadn’t been a snow storm, my life would have been much different.”
“Nana?” the filly asked. Nana jumped, as if she forgot she was speaking out loud to another pony.
“I’m sorry, Dawnflight. I probably said too much.”
“How did you survive?”
“Oh...” she paused for some reflection, “Another pony, one better equipped to be out of a night like that came to my aid. He is the one who put me up for adoption.”
Dawnflight looked to her grandmother as she shifted in her bed and blinked her familiar Magenta eyes.
“Hello, Nana.”
“Hello...thank you for coming. I don’t have anything...” she said, sitting up.
“I came to visit you.”
“Oh...thank you. How is school?”
“School is going well. Did I tell you I’m in the Wonderbolt Academy?”
“Yes...are you dressing warmly?”
“It’s Spring, Nana. It’s warm outside.”
“Ah, yes. Did I tell you about the snowstorm I lived through?”
“Actually...that’s part of why I'm here.” the yellow pegasus explained, pushing her white and gold hair out of her eyes.
“I see...”
“It’s just...” she shifted in her chair and looked at the beloved pegasus lying in bed. The pegasus who had spoken honestly to her...but perhaps not honestly enough. “Nana? That story...there’s something about it that doesn’t make sense.”
“What is it, Nightlight?”
Dawnflight didn’t correct her.
“I’ve always wondered since I had a chance to think about it...the story I mean. You were too young to remember it... Nana, how did you find out what happened to you and your mother?”
Pain. A shard of pain shot through her eyes and for awhile she didn’t respond. Her granddaughter watched her breathe in and out of the skeleton which was becoming more prominent as her dear Nana grew weaker. She had been Dawnflight’s best friend when nopony else would be and a support for her when she and Nightlight would get in a tousle. She had often suspected that her grandmother played favorites, though, usually when Nightlight argued it was the younger sibling who was at fault. She was so much closer to leaving now. She was still her grandmother, just in an older body. She was growing senile, Forgetting things like names and places. Sometimes when Dawnflight looked into her grandmother’s face she felt like she was talking to an empty shell that didn’t know her.
But, with the pain, seemed to come clarity. The younger mare felt like she was staring into the sharp eyes of the same mare who had snuggled close to her before a dying wood stove. The venerable mare took a ragged breath.
“My father told me.”
“Nana, you said the stallion was never heard from.”
“My mother was an earth pony.” she continued, “ The stallion was an earth pony that my mother married. My father was a pegasus. He would often watch my mother without help knowledge. When he found her he didn’t know what to do. She was dead already and I was still crying. My father took me, wrapped in my mother’s shawl, and carried me to the first house he could find. The family that lived there insisted he stay the night no matter how much he protested that he wanted to find my mother.” she stopped to collect herself, “That next morning, the grief having had time to sink in, led him to find my mother’s body. He never came back for me...not until much later.
"He was dying. He never stopped thinking about me, he said. It took awhile for me to forgive him. But, it was worth it when I did. I wish I had forgiven him sooner so I could tell him. Yes, I know he should have tried to find me... He just couldn’t for some reason. Every day he would put it off, saying “Later, when I’ve worked things out.” He felt this guilt his entire life and he wanted me to know the truth so he went to Celestia herself to try to find me. He wanted to let me know that even though I was a bastard, I wasn’t unloved...just abandoned.”
“Nana...” her granddaughter said after a long pause, “I’m so sorry.”
“Please, don’t be. Dawnflight?”
“Yes, Nana?”
“I love you.” Dawnflight smiled as her eyes shimmered.
“I love you too.”
“I hope that one day, when you are as old as I am, you have a granddaughter just like you.” she said, closing her eyes and settling back into sleep with a contented smile on her muzzle. Dawnflight slowly stood up, glancing at the picture of the pegasus stallion, who had been her grandfather, that rested on her grandmother’s nightstand next to the red button. The yellow pegasus turned back to the sunken orange cheek under the closed eye and kissed it softly.
“Good night, Nana. I’ll see you later.”
The End
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Aww....
The sad is killing me.
'specially since Scootaloo's best pony in my books.
I like it, some parts need a little tweaking but otherwise it's a good story. Thumbs up.
1865004 Thank you
This is beautiful.
1865032
One error: They had taken a few too many glasses of drink and sought and inn they would find if they could follow the muddled directions of a partygoer who had also had too much.
Pretty deep, too bad there was not enough lulz or trullz.
1886990 I know, I was going for campfire ghost story but I think I missed the mark on that too. oh well. and thanks for the correction. I'll change that.
This was quite a beautiful story.
If I may be so bold - because I'm OCD enough that I have some corrections for you. Some of these are systemic errors, I expect the result of simply being unsure of the correct 'procedure' for the circumstance; others are simple one-offs or typos.
When using a dialogue attribution phrase ("he said", "she said", "Nana said", etc.), if the dialogue that precedes the phrase would normally end in a period, it ends in a comma instead, and the phrase should not be capitalized, as it's not a separate sentence. For example:
"I think I can tell you now." She said with a groan.
This should be, "I think I can tell you now," she said with a groan.
I have what I believe to be a fairly comprehensive list of this type of error within your story, which I'd be happy to provide you, but I wanted to explain the correct usage.
The second systemic error involves quotation marks when a speaker goes on for multiple paragraphs. The correct format is to open each paragraph of dialogue with a double quotation mark, and if the speaker continues into additional paragraphs, do not include a closing quotation mark on any but the last dialogue paragraph, and open each continuing paragraph with a double quotation mark as well (not a single quotation mark). An example of the correct formatting:
"This is my first spoken paragraph.
"This is my second spoken paragraph.
"This is my third and final spoken paragraph."
Omitting the closing quotation mark until the speaker is actually finished talking lets the reader know the same character is saying all those paragraphs.
The following are one-off typos, or unusual instances of the first dialogue punctuation issue I discussed; the first line is a quote from your story, and the second line is the correction.
She had said the same thing moment before and Nightlight had run upstairs to obey.
>moments or a moment
the look that said “maybe...just this once.”
>said, "Maybe
“Ok.”
>OK or Okay
“This is the story” Nana began, “of the night I became an orphan.
>story," Nana began,
half of what they said was drowning out by frustration
>drowned
Her breath was harsh as the window forced it into her lungs.
>wind
Whenever he exhaled, ice built up on her muzzle.
>she
“Oh...” she paused for some reflection, “Another pony, one better equipped to be out of a night like that came to my aid.
>She paused for some reflection. "Another pony, one better equipped to be out on a night like that, came to my aid.
Dawnflight looked to her grandmother as she shifted in her bed and blinked her familiar Magenta eyes.
>magenta
“It’s just...” she shifted in her chair
>She
A shard of pain shot through her eyes and for awhile she didn’t respond. and
It took awhile for me to forgive him.
>a while (explanation of difference between "awhile" and "a while")
when she and Nightlight would get in a tousle.
>tussle.
She had often suspected that her grandmother played favorites, though, usually when Nightlight argued it was the younger sibling who was at fault.
>This is an interesting one. You've combined two complete sentences, which can only be done a couple of specific ways, and each way would slightly change the meaning and pacing of what you've written. One way here would be to simply omit the comma following "though"; the other would be to replace the comma following "though" with a semicolon. The semicolon would naturally add more of a pause to the flow of the line.
She was growing senile, Forgetting things
>forgetting
“My mother was an earth pony.” she continued, “ The
>pony," she continued. "The
He would often watch my mother without help knowledge.
>without her knowledge
she stopped to collect herself,
>She stopped to collect herself.
Every day he would put it off, saying “Later, when I’ve worked things out.”
>saying, 'Later, when I've worked things out.' (When quoting dialogue within dialogue, the outer quotation marks are already doubles, so use single quotation marks to let the reader know the dialogue isn't stopping and starting strangely.)
One final piece of... opinion, I suppose, vague and slippery without much in the way of specifics: I felt the dialogue was a touch formal at times, especially when the granddaughter was speaking (though considering who Nana is, it doesn't seem like she'd be overly formal either, though old age may account for some or all of that). The best example is "I am" - it's pretty rare to actually say "I am" in casual conversation; most people contract it to "I'm". You might try (if you haven't already) reading your dialogue out loud to yourself to see if it sounds good and flows well.
I hope this is useful, constructive feedback; my goal is to help writers improve their work, and I mean no disrespect. If you have any questions about any of my notes, or if I've done a poor job explaining, I'd be happy to answer or elaborate. Again, I thought the story was quite beautiful, and it's earned a follow for you. I look forward to reading more of your work.
1932556 I really appreciate the time you took to give me this feedback. It's been awhile since I took a standard English class here where the focus is not on writing fiction and then I take fiction where the focus isn't the mechanics so I tend to forget. (Although I think some of tose errors might have been slips that I didn't read over again before submitting.
I definitely understand what you mean about the formal aspect. I kind of wanted a "This is a secret story from long ago" sort of idea but I probably overdid it.
Thanks for your help!
1932673
Cheers, TE. I'm not creative enough to be a real writer or even really a true prereader, but I can copyedit the hell out of stuff.
I didn't say this before, but I meant to: I liked the subtlety of Nana being Scootaloo, but never explicitly calling her out as such. I didn't notice the character tag before I read, and didn't quite pick up on it until I read the comments.
1932735 I'm really glad you liked it. I haven't complete reread and edited everything yet but I'm working on it. Thanks again.
1932748 New Hampshire has snowstorms with snow almost four feet deep and frozen solid an inch under the surface.
3084877 Actually had that in New Jersey once... it was a nightmare. We also get that in Vermont. This story was basically inspired when I went for a walk around my block last year... and a blizzard started. I actually got scared I wasn't going to make it home without frostbite. My hair was basically iced over and I couldn't feel my fingers for a few minutes after I got back home even though I was wearing gloves.
3086805 I'm used to having my hair frozen solid almost every day.
Unfortunately, you have a few too many errors to warrant inclusion into the Good Grammar Directory at this time.
The errors are as follows:
There needs to be a comma after "dark", not a period. Same here.
There should be a comma in between "say" and "and."
Should be "asked," since the story is in the past tense.
Please fix them and we will be more than happy to include your story in the Good Grammar Directory.
You may re-submit it into the submissions folder whenever you are ready.
Congratulations. This story has good enough grammar to be added to the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction.
3095039 3095016 Hold on, I'm confused. Thanks for pointing out the errors. I'll go back and fix them but who submitted my story?
3095405
Uh, woops. I defer to Carts.
3096010 lol ok :)