[2/19/2014 9:24:53 PM] Merlos The Mad: Turtle, word on the street is your being you [2/19/2014 9:24:56 PM] Merlos The Mad: stop that
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We're not all the same, them and I. Perhaps these are gifts, but they are curses all the same. Tell me, do you know what it is like to be the deviant among the wolf pack? Not the Alpha, nor the Omega, but the Outcast.
Maybe they fear my abilities, I cannot know, or maybe they praise me like a god, but this I do not want.
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Welcome back, I have finished it up so you can read the entire first chapter now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have with writing it.
BTW, if you are wondering why the like ratio and the views don't add up, I let out the first 1000 words and then I took it down to finish the first chapter, as the first 1k was just a teaser. I was an idiot and deleted the first chapter instead of just adding the extra 3k to a different one...
If you see any grammar errors that you want me to fix, tell me either through a comment or a pm (pm if there's a lot).
I will be continuing this in long chapters probably.
cool story bro.... keep it up
I like this shit, keep it up!
Ooh, reuploaded finally!
2426923
Yep, sorry, had to finish the actual chapter. Should've just kept it up and added the 3k into a different one on their own.
2426931 No worries, shit happens.
Ok, reading through now. One thing I'm noticing is that you're having troubles with some tenses, and using the wrong forms of words, and once in a while the wrong words altogether. I'll go through and find as many as I can.
That really isn't the right word here. Grandeur is a word that basically means impressiveness. I might be wrong, but I don't believe it works here, as you're essentially saying 'its impressiveness colours'. I don't believe it translates like that. Perhaps just grand?
Yet again, a word with the right meaning, but not the right syntax. Perhaps 'I was quite abnormal among my kind'?
You're mixing up here a bit with the possessives. Try either 'as the forest around was mostly that breed' or 'the forests around were mostly that breed'
Perhaps dull, not lull. Once again, I'm stuck trying to quantify exactly what it is you're doing wrong. You're using words with correct meaning, but in the wrong places.
.....
Innocents would fit better
Averagely's not a word. Try 'Which were, on average' instead.
The filly's already been kidnapped. Try 'As they carried this kidnapped filly off to Alpha'.
A tense issue again. Either 'I could hear the delicate child as she struggled and screamed' or 'I could hear the delicate child struggle and scream'
Got word order backwards. How about "settled miles from pony civilization, as we had we been for ages'?
A bit clumsy. Maybe 'She let out a scream', or just 'she screamed'?
Once more, right meaning, wrong word. Perhaps 'with the great brute'?
Shrugged is definitely the wrong word here... Something like 'squirmed away' might work.
Irreproachable is more 'can't be judged' than anything else. I think you wanted 'unapproachable'.
That's all I see right now. I'm not really sure how to describe the issue you keep having. Out of curiosity, is English your first language?
Keep up the good work, though!
2427105
It is, but I'm young and English is a very... well the students among my class are very distracting.
Besides that, Spanish was taught from elementary (or was, they didn't teach us more than Como Estas and responses for it) and then my family is all German descent, so I have gone through 3 languages in my life.
I fixed all the things you pointed out, the first 1k was written weeks ago and I just didn't know if the story was worth pursuing in my hands. I have gotten better with my grammar (I think?).
2427262 I can understand that. Basically, what you need to focus on most is proper context for which words you choose. Make sure that the word you're picking means what you think it does. Just picture a little Inigo Montoya on your shoulder going cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/30410371.jpg
I lick it
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I...I am a huge fan of trollfics...I love silly nonsense that is just written for the lulz...my reaction is almost always one of ambivalence when a non-serious (or mostly non-serious) fanfic writer tries something serious...and I thought that this was by far the most enjoyable thing you've written so far. Great work, man!
This is a well written and intriguing story. Poor Scootaloo being foalnapped by the wolves, hope Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle made it safely home. Still, now everypony will assume she got eaten. Life will go on.
I'm curious to where you're going to take this. Are you going for a growing-up-among-the-wolves kind of fic? (not recommended) Or perhaps one where this sentient wolf risks everything to bring little Scootaloo home. It would be pretty exciting to see the chase as they run away.
Maybe the next chapter could be from Scootaloo's point of view. How she was separated from her friends and carried away by the wolves. Then her terror at being presented to the Alpha and then being spared. Her confusion at this wolf that won't let her drink, then carries her off to its den.
This story has so much potential, and I really hope you update it!
This story is amazing, stop putting yourself down.
2513977 Agreed, this is damned good.
I must say... Interesting premise. Mind you, the whole wolf thing is not new, but timber wolf is. I will see where this story leads us. On the whole, "this isn't by best chapter" deal, to you it may not seem the best, but to others it may seem great. I know I certainly have my bad days when it comes to chapters. I still want to go back and re-write the entire ending of my first story. Keep at it, and I know you'll do well! Wait... you're already doing well...
I have just read the first chapter of Conscious. It is an intriguing concept. I like the literalness of timber wolf in this case. I had a bit of trouble with the vegetative/active situation of the narrative character at first.
Structurally, the tale is solid and interesting. I also do not have a proof reader. May I suggest a simple method? Read your work aloud to yourself or to someone else. That will let you catch most obvious errors of writing. For more detail on actually creating and crafting a tale check out the button on my Tumblr blog, Writing: A Manual for Story Creation. My blog is at < http://ask-de-writer.tumblr.com/ >
The tale has a fairly weak hook. That is, the first few paragraphs that lead the reader into the story and want to keep on reading. Once I was in it, it was a fascinating concept. My only problem is the pack organization. The Alpha appears to have consciousness too. How else could he organize the activities of the others?
Over all, well done presentation of an unusual character.
2516416
Ah yes, Alpha does appear to have some sort of intelligence, but it is an innate ability. He will always work as the rest of the wolves have for centuries with the pack, he will never think for himself nor try to evolve the pack. He is stuck with instinct and other innate abilities.
This is interesting. Go on.
Beautiful, man
2516027
Wait wait wait...
Sorry for taking a bit to reply to this.
This isn't new? Damn... I thought this idea was original...
2533846
More like I am saying the whole wolf things isn't. Mind you, truly original stories are hard to come by, often some form of spin-off of an older story. However, yours takes a unique twist on things. That is what I like about it. By the way, I mean loosely. I mean, even my ideas are probably somepony else's ideas, just twisted a bit. I mean, how many have done my whole story idea of person trapped in forest? I would think Grey perhaps (the movie) but I take a different spin on it. That is the important thing.
I probably worded this wrong.
2534987
It's a little confusing, but the wording seems right. I understand that, but I'm not going to keep them trapped in the forest, as chapter 2 tells of their escape.
I sort of realized that this story idea will come to resemble IRobot so your thing makes sense.
2536005
I happen to love Irobot, so this just made this story more interesting. But, 'originality' doesn't matter so long as isn't a blatant rip off of something else. Your story is great, and the fact that you try to take an original spin on things warms my heart and keeps me viewing. I wouldn't say I am the most well read, only having read about 800 or so fics on the site (all of them were downloads of the files, and I am honestly saying that 800 isn't much on this site, compared to some), but you do seem to take that special spin that makes the average story great. (I tend to read longer fantasy books like the wheel of time series) With time, who knows where you will end up?
Mind you, it is outside my general word limit (usually more than 30k words is a requirement), but considering how short my stories are, I should give it a chance, even if it will always be infuriatingly short.
Perhaps I have this view because at my point, everything blends together...
Yet again, sorry for the length of the comment, but I am writing as I think. I am looking through my little library, and I can't seem to find a fic to compare yours with in order to compare the two. The story feels more sophisticated than Canizs Ezo Kage, purely in the sense that well, the story makes a bit more sense and feels more 'real' if that could apply to fanfiction and that the character is feeling (if by feeling is generally cold, but occasionally sympathetic). Frankly, I can't seem to find to find a fiction that quite compares, some seeming to pale in comparison. Probably because they are different genres, and this is a tale of it's own.
I must certainly say though and this is rare among quite a few HIE's that there isn't OP powers, nor the excessive use of deus ex machina. The story seems to make sense on every front, only calling in the dreaded "god from the machine" when necessary, and then it seems to be right, such as with the blight water.
In it's own category, this story shines as far as I can tell, but does pale in comparison to some of the bigger names, but that can't be helped. I can't wait for the rest of the story to come out.
Thank you for writing such a great story.
2536392
I probably used deus ex machina wrong, but I think I got my point across. Again, sorry for the long comment, but I thought I would give my honest (as far as I can tell) if not erratic opinion.
A great chapter to be sure! :) seeing as this updated i enjoyed this short chapter and cant wait for more :3
I don't have a reason for not updating this.
Take this as an apology.
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Edit: Actually, looking back at the date of the 2nd chapter, I believe I was going to write chapter 3 the next week but then fell into a deep depression over some crap. All is well again though!
It lives!!!!!!!!
Woot! more! time to read :D and good to hear your back ^^
Fantastic
All I have to say is write some more. It's been forever since the last update, which is a shame because I really liked this story. I like where it's going, and where it could go. It's probably the best story on timberwolves I've read so far, and I like it. Don't stop now. Don't slow down now. Thanks.
Iceshadow
3406963
Sorry about the long wait for an update. I've been lacking motivation for all my stories, been trying to get a chapter out for my more serious ones and it just takes me a while to do so for even just one.
I will continue this, I know where I will take it next chapter. I will also be editing and getting rid of the dreams from former chapters as they won't have a purpose after a while.
Thank you for the comment, it brightened my day to see someone wants more of my work :D
Sorry about deleting Chapter: Summit. I really didn't think it felt right to just give you 1000 words of boring nothingness while you waited for the next part. I'll release it again but with the finish on that chapter. Dialogue :D
I don't get it. Good luck writing anyway.
Beautiful! Absolutely Beautiful!
Hmm.. I am not entirely sure what's going on.
I would give you a cookie for this, but I haz no idea where you live to send/give to you
I kinda feal cheated after this... despite it was a good read
4300746
I just wanted to get it done. She was always meant to die at the end, and I really didn't want to prolong this story anymore.
I feel the same the way about being cheated but I understand the need to get it finished instead of dragging it on. I'm a bit surprised by the ending but I'm ok with it in a way.
... That's it?
This is very well written, but I'm disappointed.
Oh.... okay.
It'd be nice to have a comment thats not about how you're disappointed in how the story ended, I understand the ending wasn't the best, but I put a lot of work into this story. Kind of bothers me how I couldn't please you guys with the ending. I've been foreshadowing her death since the start, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to rewrite this only to prolong her death to an unrealistic time. Her infection at this point without treatment is already unrealistic.
I don't know why, but I get the feeling the timber wolf will make an epic journey to ponyville, learn to speak equestrian somehow, and explain what happened to the apple family. He would integrate himself into pony society, and one day, get transformed into a pony.
I don't even know where that came from
The ending while sad was really what everyone was kind of expecting but is very well written my friend.
Let's face it. The ending was kinda disappointing, but very realistic. All in all, though, the story is good and I would read it again.
Well, that was disappointing. Had I wanted to read a sad shaggy dog story I would have looked for a fic with the Tragedy tag.
Which this fic richly deserves, since it rather fits the classic Greek definition (in that the viewpoint character could, in theory, have prevented the ending by acting differently) and the common definition nowadays.
4798239 I see your point, and I'm sorry it was disappointing to you. I will update the tags.
And the best to you, friend.
Good luck