• Member Since 26th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen July 18th

Gruekiller


T
Source

A new face arrives in the not-so-sleepy hamlet of Ponyville, in the form of an amnesiac pegasus who appears in the town square in a burst of magic. Though the pony called 'Rainy Daze' seems to settle in quickly, she is harboring three important secrets:

One, that she is not a pony at all. Two, that her memory is just fine. And three, that she wants to get the hell out of this place!

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 19 )

I should take the time to request that if you decide to give the story a thumbs-down, that you should at least explain what's wrong so that I can improve it.

Arrogantly charming writing style with a lot of gusto and relish. A fine start, keep it up!

(minor) concerns:
It's hair, not fur.
Wouldn't there be someplace closer to the center of town than Fluttershy's cottage?
Why were the rest of the mane 6 immediately called? None of them have obvious skills that would be useful to take care of a passed-out pony, and Twilight doesn't appear to suspect any nefarious plots at work.

And now a word on formatting. It looks a little better to put dialogue at the begining and/or at the end of the paragraph, not in the middle. Example:

This:
"Great," I mumbled. Even if I managed to conceal my true identity, I'd probably still be seen as a freak around town. After a further moment's pondering, a thought occurred to me. "If it was a spell, doesn't that mean that someone cast it?" I suddenly felt a little ill at ease.

"Somepony," the purple pony corrected almost automatically, before continuing on, heedless. "That's correct. A long-distance teleportation spell of that grade would have to be cast by a fairly powerful unicorn. I'm sorry to say, but I have no idea who may be responsible." She gave me a sympathetic glance which did little to assuage my concerns.

Would be better as:
"Great," I mumbled. Even if I managed to conceal my true identity, I'd probably still be seen as a freak around town. After a further moment's pondering, a thought occurred to me and I suddenly felt a little ill at ease. "If it was a spell, doesn't that mean that someone cast it?"

"Somepony," the purple pony corrected almost automatically, before continuing on. She gave me a sympathetic glance which did little to assuage my concerns. "You're correct, but I'm sorry to say that I have no idea who may be responsible. A long-distance teleportation spell of that grade would have to be cast by a fairly powerful unicorn."

My whining aside, this is a unique story with good spelling and grammer. I'd like to see more of this.

1849915

Thanks for the input. I'll confess I didn't give the reasons for where our protagonist was taken much thought. I may revise this chapter in the future.

I think this can be a very good Human in Equestria thing but take my advice. Keep on keepin on man :eeyup:

Because reasons. Shut up

Of course, the only easy reply is Shut the hell up and let me tell the story.

LOVE IT!

Seems like I'm a few days late on this one. At first I wasn't going to read it, as I hate HiE stories (even if the main character 'transforms'). But, since one your stories is my second favorite on the site, I figured I'd give a shot.

And I'm glad I did. The story is pretty damn funny.
So, I'll give this a chance, along with a fav. So keep it up, and good luck.

1878801

Thank you for the kind words. :twilightsmile: New chapter coming within the week, and maybe some revisions on the first chapters later.

1878817
Looking forward to it then.

Also, and this is just a thought, but when I read one of the comments earlier, I thought about why they would take "Rainy Daze" to Fluttershy's. If anything, she takes care of animals, which means she could, in your story at least, have basic medical supplies, and took her there to check for injuries. I honestly don't think the story, as it stands right now, needs much revision, if any. I mostly just filled in small gaps with stuff that could possibly be implied. Then again, what do I know? I'm no writer.

1878905

That was my thinking regarding the choice of destination on the Mane 6's part, too. You may be right, but I'm still thinking on it either way.

I like this so far. Keep it up. :twilightsmile:

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