After the mysterious Pegasus pony Hypnos comes to Ponyville, she amazes the ponies with her talent of hypnosis. After giving free private sessions to everyone in Ponyville, Hypnos and her hypnosis student, Feather Dance, have all the ponies in town ready to be given hypnotic suggestions. All pony but one: Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was never fooled by the hypnosis, and she discovered Hypnos' plan. Hypnos planned to control all of Equestria with her powers. Twilight vowed to stop her, but can she fight the army of hypnotized ponies, including her friends?
Chapters (2)
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Sounds like a knock off of Trixie. Though the hypnosis thing is an interesting concept, the idea is executed overall very, very poorly. The picture looks like something off of ms paint. Everything is too short and is a mess. Also, I can't stand point of view switching. 1 rotton tomato!
The pic alone, just...
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
1736778
I know where that's from
So I won't lie, this is my fetish and it's still kinda bad.
Don't let that get you down though. The first thing a person writes usually is. Lets look at some ways to make it better.
First up is length.
Unless you're trying to emphasize something, like a particular point that you want to carry a lot of weight so you make it stand it it's own chapter, chapters should be longer. A good minimum benchmark is about a thousand words or so. This doesn't have to come from more actions made by characters-- that is, you don't have to come up with more story (though that's good too). What you can do instead is describe what happens in more detail. For instance, we don't have a description of what Hypnos or her assistant look like. Is the crowd scene taking place on a stage? Did Hypnos set up a tent for her private appointments, or is she working out of a hotel, or wagon? Hows the weather when she gets to town? Remember that you are the only person who knows what the story you're telling should look, and describe that. We only get a feel for what you tell us.
Second: perspective.
This really could have been done a lot worse, as you never switched perspective in the middle of a chapter. Perspective can switch, and it's best done in chapter breaks, like you did. However, if it's done too much, it can make your story feel very fragmented and choppy, because the reader never gets to become used to who the story is being told by. The prologue chapter had me used to the idea of who was telling me the story, then it shifts to Twilight (perfectly acceptable), and then it shifts again all before the thousand-word mark (maybe less so). This could really be fixed by lengthening your chapters, so that we actually get to spend some time with whoever is telling the story, before it switches. Still, it's easy to get carried away, so I'd recommend still sticking to some kind of pattern with the perspective switches so the readers know what to expect.
(I actually just noticed the chapter headers that list the narrating character, which is good, but take the fact that I didn't notice it earlier as evidence that some readers (like me, perhaps
) are kind of lazy and skip that stuff occasionally)
The last thing that bothered me was sentence structure and phrasing.
You managed to avoid most grammer and spelling mistakes, which is great! I read a lot of amazing stories that bug the piss out of me because of constant typos, so keep that up! However, your phrasing could still use some work. Some of your sentences we a little vague or confusing. Lets look at a few notable ones:
Some of your sentences are just too short, like "All except Ponyville." in Prologue, or "Dreams for example." in The First Session. Really, these are incomplete thoughts, that shouldn't stand on their own. You should include them in other sentences, and separate them with a comma, dash, or semicolon, depending on how much emphasis you want to give them (commas are pretty standard for singling out a thought in a sentence, a dash -- is less common and has more empty space, so it tends to draw the eye and make the thought stand out a little more. a semicolon should be used rarely, reserved for those phrases that you want to include but can't quite stand in their own sentence.) For instance, "All except Ponyville." could become "I had been to Fillydelphia, Manehattan, Appaloosa, Las Pegasus, Saddle Arabia, just about everywhere--all except Ponyville."
Something else to look at is whether or not you're being clear in what you're trying to say. Remember, you're the only person who really knows what you're trying to communicate, so it's important to use language that's as clear as possible, or readers can get confused. Take this sentence from Pinkie's suggestions: "And no matter how hard you try to stop laughing, you can't until the leaf is no longer touching the pony. 1, 2, 3!" I highlighted all the negatives in that sentence. Each one switches the meaning back and forth, and using too many can get really confusing. I had to stop and re-read that sentence three or four times to really understand it. There are other examples, but keep that kind of thing in mind when writing. Stop and look over what you've written, and try to see if what you mean is clear (or would be, to someone who doesn't already know what you mean like you do).
One more thing. It's pretty minor, but you could stand to use more commas to break your sentences up. A good trick is to read what you've written out loud and every time you pause, throw in a comma.
Whew! I think that's it for now, hope it helps, and good luck!
1736916 Fellow nor/mlp/erson?
Thank you guys for the, constructive critisim.
I'll let you guys know I'm not the best at writing, and I'm not all that good with describing. My last fanfic, It'd be lucky to have more than 5 small paragraphs per chapter.
And GoneZombie, thank you for the advice. I'll use this to try and extend my story, and make it much better than it is.
And btw, the picture was made on SumoPaint, and no, it's not my best work.
Looking forward to it!
And Chapter 1 has been updated. I hope this is much better.
I hate how the people are hating your pic. much better than I could do.
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I'm tempted to try and write a next chapter...
Do know I'm really not that good at writing.
2613905
Do it!all that can happen is people won't like it.
2615510
And that has already happened. What can go wrong?!
What are all the dislikes for? I'm liking this, sounds like a good RP. I'm very interested to see more of Feather Dance's story, I can see potential for some major feels. Though you could use a bit more detail, something like what this guy said>>1737072
3058416
Truly, I think it was because of how bad my writing was before I edited the story.
Okay, so, here i go.
This is somehow my favorite fic ever. However, the situation is ridiculously overused, albeit with an interesting format. Hypnos should be a unicorn or allicorn.
I was actually going to rewrite this story with a human as the protagonist and make it much, much better. I was wondering how you guys would feel about this.
3085334
You need to write another chapter. NOW.
NOW!!!
Also, check out my spinoff of your fic. Should be on my page.
if your still alive you should continue with this FIC, NOW
2616258
Absolutely NOTHING!
Shut up you dummy cause that’s what u r cinnamon pop
Plz continue