Derpy is bullied by the two ponies Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. In heartbreak, she runs to the Doctor, who, much to her surprise, demands an apology from the bullies.
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YatzSliversword
Joined 28th Nov, 2012 ·
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Can't say I'm a fan of this one to be honest.
As far as spelling and grammar goes, I didn't see much wrong. It was formatted awkwardly, pressing paragraphs together for each section, and it was overall very fast-paced. Saying four sentences isn't quite carried away yet.
Also, Luna was sort of out of character as well. If you imagine the Royal Canterlot speaking pony, you don't see her gossiping about who likes who or saying "what's up?" Maybe saying something along the lines of "Greetings!" Or "The time-turning pony seems to have affection for you!" Very formal wording.
My recommendation is whenever you're done, always play the scene out in your head as if the fic you just wrote was an episode of MLP. From start to finish, what you wrote should be able to recreate what was in your head almost perfectly. And if the scenes of the fic don't last as long as it would in an episode, then expand on it a bit.
Hope I helped. Hope to see improvement!
The story is little hasty, but I like the idea that Luna and Ditzy are best buds. We're it to be expanded, this would make an even better story.
Blaha! I've been bullied, but then I took action.......... I'm going to court now
1710857
I can only imagine what action a Riften Guard would take that demands judicial interference...
As for the story, there's not much I can really add. Slowing it down will definitely help. Longer stories never hurt anyone!
1 Rotton tomato.
Attempts to be charming and connectable, but in the end falls flat with lazily chosen sentences and out of character, plain dialogue.
CHANGELING!
I found it a bit short and that it came to a conclusion too fast.
I would read this again if you did a revised and extended version.
2/5 just for how short and unsatisfying it was
Loved it would enjoy more
1710857 Seen that fic by YatzSilversword? It's got flat characters. Flat. Characters.
1710834 Oh my gosh. I totally forgot how Luna did that! Greetings, thee's, thou's, :P Adding, thanks.
1710842 Yes, well, it's kinda hard to explain, the way I think of this. Basically, I threw this together in my head in 30 minutes, and wrote in 2 hours. So yeah, there is definitely going to be a sequel, and then another, and then another. Also, I'm planning a little backstory on how Luna and Derpy becane friends. :3 This is probably not my best work, since it is the first ever I've ever wrote a MLP fanfic, so I can expect a ton of criticism. :P
1712662
Speech patterns take a good while to pick up. I suggest rewatching the episodes in which Luna has a speaking part and making note of her lines, then practicing dialogue for her in various situations. I find her easier to write dialogue for than
, though.
1712875 :D Thank you so much!
Derpy: please don't hurt them
Me: aww why not!
SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL!!! I need my daily Derpy and Docter fix, and I NEED MOrE!
P.S It was AMAZING!
My only problem with this is how it was two fillies bullying Derpy, fillies. If it was anypony else, I would have understood, but these are two fillies who are bullying her which doesn't make any sense.
Otherwise, this story is fantastic.
1710857 What happened, or do I want to know?
6018083 I agree, but this was cute.