Muffins in the Morning

Doctor Whooves552 stories ·1,803 members

Ditzy awakes after an evening out at one of Pinkie's parties. Her vague memories of the previous night were brushed to the back of her mind, but just as she was about to start getting ready for her day, a surprising arrival causes her day to take a turn for the unexpected.

This is my first published fanfic, so if anyone has any helpful criticism then feel free to send a message my way on how I can improve things!

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Comments ( 9 )

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Pluma the Fluffy Dragon

Pluma the Fluffy Dragon #1 · Apr 11th, 2013 · · ·

First, you should've had someone proofread it. Other then that, it's ok

Agro

Agro #2 · Apr 11th, 2013 · · 3 ·

I'm sure others would disagree with me but here's what I think. When it comes to short stories, the beginning paragraph or two needs to start strong. In this case, there's too much setting that can be skipped over and the instance where she discovers the Doctor is in her house could probably be more shuffled further to the beginning to be utilized as a hook to the story. As it is, you have about five very long paragraphs before something actually interesting starts happening. IMO, details should be introduced slowly as the plot develops so that the reader can slowly construct what's happening as they are reading. For example, the beginning you have this description about it being morning but really, the reader doesn't need that information unless/until it becomes relevant. An alternative would be to write that when Ditzy wakes, the glare of the morning sun blinds her or something.

Inkwell Quillstain

Inkwell Quillstain #3 · Apr 11th, 2013 · · ·

2408321
I did have one proof reader, but that's because the other two who said they would also do it bailed...

Inkwell Quillstain

Inkwell Quillstain #4 · Apr 11th, 2013 · · ·

2409326
Alrighty then, I'll keep that in mind! I think my issue is that I feel that if I just jump straight into things happening, I feel things are missing. But this was my first attempt, so if I do things in the future I will keep your criticism in mind. Thanks!

SuperChaosKG