During the finale of the Changeling Invasion, a winged being appears, cutting down the insect-like creatures. Strangely enough, the princesses seem to know him...one rather intimately. After the removal of Chrysalis, the person, now known as Mystrael, the God of War, tells the gathered ponies about a coming Darkness, one that threatens the very peace that pervades Equestria...one that he wasn't able to stop alone. With the powers of the royalty and the Elements, will the God of War be able to prevent this Shadow from covering the peaceful land?
Chapters (1)
interesting concept....liked and tracking, I want to see were this will go.
Just remember, when it comes to me getting first post or not...
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I uh... Wow. There are several things wrong with this. Don't take me the wrong way, you obviously put effort into it and I can appreciate that. Your grammar and formatting are top notch, but there is still a lot to be desired.
The most glaring of all is your character. He just reeks of a Gary Stu. I mean, he kicks an entire army in the ass, bounces off Chrysalis attacks with no effort at all, is Celestia's friend and Luna's boyfriend, and he's the goddamn god of war. Sorry, but this guy is in no way relatable, or for that matter interesting. He might as well be a red and black alicorn.
Another thing that needs work is the pacing. As it stands right now, the story moves along at the pace of a cheetah on RedBull. Look at the list above; all that happened within the spawn of little under two thousand words. You are not letting your readers get a hold of the situation before jumping into something else. One thing that would really help would be more descriptions. The only thing you described where Mystrael and the Princesses' human forms. Besides that, we don't know anything about anything else. Take your time, tell us about what's going on. You mentioned that the changelings damaged the mountain, how? How about the army itself before Mystrael showed up? How about the chapel Chrysalis is in? You are painting a picture with words. You cannot afford to just focus on coloring characters and leave the background blank.
Also, you need the mature tag. Necks torn open isn't a "teen" thing.
To be completely honest, I think you should just scrap it. Your skill is clearly there, but the story is built around a Gary Stu that is clearly some form of wish fulfillment. If you remove him, the story falls apart. Also, please don't be discouraged by any of this. The potential is there, and I can see you writing good pieces, but please, please, stay away from wish fulfillment fics.
Edit: Do what the guy below me said. I actually would like to read that.
1676689
The necessity of removing the OC isn't completely there, Cold, all that's required is a change of perspective. The story following a God is, overall, a very bad choice.
Get rid of his relations, and give him an ulterior motive. WHY would he save a bunch of ponies on a planet that are currently being assaulted? What goal would a God have in intervening?
If you apply that mystery, then you have a mysterious God with a possible backstab opportunity in the future. Putting in a romance is... wow, you're jumping whole ravines here that you could be guiding your readers through.
Instead of having him save the ponies because he's a God, have him save the ponies because of something else. Instead of having him be the boyfriend to Luna (which is idiotic, since I don't think Luna's a God), have theire relationship build logically. Choices and decisions all modify the pacing of a relationship, so take us down that road.
The little things make a story good, and you've skipped a lot of little things. Expand them. Retcon the OC, and follow someone else. Twilight would obviously think a giant winged guy suddenly appearing and cutting down a bunch of Changelings is a very big fucking threat to Equestria. She'd suspect him of SOMETHING, of his knowledge of the Princesses, of what race he actually is.
Expand on EVERYTHING, and you'll have a story worth reading.
This is... Deep. And wide. Maybe even more so than Tom Cruise's anus...
No but in all seriousness good job, but at times it is all a little much. Although isn't that what it's supposed to be?
1676744
I can see both your and Coldwall's points, and honestly...I have to agree. Parts of this in my opinion are indeed total crap, and I may very well end up scrapping it and starting over. Thank you for the helpful feedback.
1676689
Agreed.
1676689
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There are a few other things I'd bring up.
Mostly about the character, as Cold has said.
Who the hell is he?
I've never heard of him before. And yet we're treated as if we should.
This Mystrael dude clearly means something to you, but nothing to any of us. Which is a problem, as we're the ones who vote on how good it is
Why is Luna acting so weird?
To call her out of character would be a bit of an understatement, I feel. I mean, look at how she behaved in Luna Eclipsed. Powerful, inspiring, yet almost afraid of herself.
Compare that to here, where she's simpering madly for some daemon we've never met and she hasn't seen for over a thousand years. She's also perpetually horny, apparently. So much so that they can't even walk down past a room without running in there to bang.
Apparently the God of War can't last more than a minute either. Guess that's why he isn't the God of Love then.
Also, Luna wasn't at the Wedding. Why is she there now?
Messing with Canon
Never a good idea. People love the show. So changing what they love for something different is beyond risky.
You completely mixed up the ending of the Canterlot Wedding episodes, as well as changing the personality of Luna to a considerable degree. You also made the Princesses Human for a small while.
Not the wisest of moves.
As Cold said, pacing's a big issue. An awful lot happened, yet not a lot was explained. This makes it pretty hard for the readers to enjoy the fic.
Here's the thing. Technically speaking, your story is pretty good. I didn't notice any spelling slip-ups, and grammar seemed to be pretty good overall.
But the plot is what drags it all down (dohohohoho big butts)
The main character is unlikeable and damn-near impossible to sympathise with. He's immensely powerful with no noticeable downside. He's a damn God, for Pete's sake. He fucks Luna and is more powerful than both Tia and Luna combined.
Gary-Stu be his name. Any story with him in is gonna have a real hard time working well.
1676744 What you're suggesting (removing the initial romance, retconning the dude, changing how everyone acted, etc) is basically the same as scrapping the story.
I mean, what has he added that you wouldn't rather change/get rid of?
I'd give the same recommendation as Cold here, but elaborate on it a bit. Go grab some other Bronies somewhere you frequent and stick your heads together. Brainstorm some possible stories. Run the ideas past your mates.
Grab some Editors and Pre-readers too. They help immensely.
And read, read, read. Best way to figure out what makes a good story is to read stories, after all.
Best of luck to you, sir.
~ScreenedPlum, TWE's Drunk Scotsman
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1676860
Not a problem. That's what we are here for.
1676860
Well, I wish you luck on your next story, and know that the TWE is always there to give you the help you want and need.
1677432
I agree with everyone above.
This story isn;t bad.
You just showed it wrong.
The concept and everything about a new evil on the horizon and, adding things from above, a mysterious new character appears, he also happens to have Celestia's and Luna's true forms, took out an army, and for what reason? He says it's to help Equestria, but what else could he be up to?
Mystery, suspense, backstabbing.
People like reading that
1677635
Indeed. The concept itself is intriguing, the execution is lacking.
I fucking love it must have MOARRRR!!!
funny. i'll track.
One word
MOAR
Mister... is this story dead...
please be alive... 
please... 