This is my first published work. Please feel free to offer CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Since this adheres to no one canon, some of the characters may be "off".
The Mane Six hear of a strange pony who inhabits the Everfree forest, and set off to investigate. What they find is a pegasus that for some reason is missing his wings. Will the Mane Six convince him to live amongst other ponies? And why does he seem to have such a dark and heavy soul?
Page generated in 0.084 seconds
Total duration
1,067 users online
1,664,313 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
For a first fic, this certainly wasn't that bad.
I didn't spot any glaring grammar or spelling errors. It's clear that you spent some time proofreading your story, so good job there.
I think you could sped up the pacing a bit. Very little happened in the 1428 words of this first chapter. They ponies met a guy with some sort of mysterious past, and that's pretty much it. The majority of the chapter was just rounding up the party. It wasn't painfully long, but you might think about speeding some things up to get to the real meat of the story.
For the love of Luna, be careful with that OC! I have seen so many fics crash and burn because the author put out a Mary Sue. I'm not saying that's you're doing that right now, but just be cautious. If it seems like I'm being patronizing here or telling you things that seem obvious, it's because I really don't want your first fic to get trashed.
Make sure your OC is not some perfectly awesome warrior-king who every mare instantly wants to bed. Just having a tragic backstory won't counteract that. In order to be a believable character, he has to have flaws and obstacles to overcome, whether those are physical, like fighting a monster, or emotional, like trying to fit into society. If he is a believable character with hopes, dreams, conflicts, and fears, then the audience will root for him to triumph in the end.
Judging by your use of a cliffhanger ending, it's clear that you know a bit about writing, so I can definitely foresee this fic ending up being good. I'll favorite to keep an eye on it.
Keep writing!
Added to read later because I REALLY have to finish that paper... but I SHALL COMMENT more substantially... EVENTUALLY!
Good premise, good ending. Sloppy, but not bad.
~InfinityXanadu
Thanks for the comments! Chapter 2 is coming, but it's being diffic
ult....
The dreaded second chapter. Sorry it took so long, but sometimes these things become their own monster. This one deviated from plan and I had to deal with the paradigm shift. Have fun, read, and comment! /)^3^(\
Mm. Well. Here is the more substantial comment. It started out fine, what with Razor Wing not being too close to any of the Mane Six. Though, it is pretty much a faux pas among fanfiction writers not to make an OC one of the Mane Six's lost friends/lost lovers/etc. Although that's how most OCs are introduced, it can really detract from your story.
All in all, it wasn't a bad story, but I just really can't comment. I mean, it's not like there's anything outstandingly bad about it or anything, it just seems ... unremarkable. Ah well. Not bad for a first published attempt, but I'd definitely ask someone you trust/look up to as a writer to guide you along the path of writing this. Experience pretty much is everything, in fanfictions like these. Well, you gotta have talent, but ... you know what I mean.
Eh. Don't think this really qualifies as "substantial" but I just really couldn't differentiate your fic from all the plethora of others on this site. As an addendum: you used the word "paradigm" incorrectly. I'd suggest looking it up. But you get props for the "
" so yeah.
--
IX, Fimfiction DOT NET's premier advocate of scientific literacy through the group SCI, one of the few groups with the explicit goal of improving scientific accuracy in this community's fanfictions.
Third chapta! On to the next!