"Show me the DJ way!"

by LunaFoxWing

The feeling of friendship

I woke up the next day bright and early. Don't ask me why but I have the time to wake up and smell the roses. I went to the kitchen only to bump into Vinyl on the way in. "Good morning sleepy head!" She said with a smile. "Good morning Vinyl" I said looking at her cute face. I went in the kitchen to see if I could help her. “Do you need help with anything?” I asked. “Yes, Can you help me with the table after I’m done making us some breakfast?” “Sure I’ll be glad too!” So I set up the table and covered it with a cloth witch smelled like lavender to me. Then I set up the chairs for just the two of us to sit and eat. She then told me to help her with carrying our food to the table, and so I did. “Thanks for helping me.” She said as she gave me a hug. “You’re gladly welcome.” I said giving her a hug as well. It lasted for about 2 minutes before we sat down and eat. I have to say, it was the best breakfast I have ever eaten in my life! Back at my house my parents told me that it was not healthy to eat bacon for breakfast so they always gave my water cress salad witch I hated so much, now I was severed pasta this was amazing! I wonder where she learned how to cook?

After we ate breakfast it was time for a trip to see the folks of Ponyville, Vinyl showed me around and I pretty much enjoyed the place. Our first stop was Twilight Sparkles house, and it was nice, concerning that it was just an amazing looking building that was a tree. “Oh wow that’s amazing looking!” I said with amazement. “Yeah, you should go talk to her.” “All by myself?” I proclaimed. “I’ll come don’t worry just introduce yourself I won’t be that hard will it?” “I sure hope not.” I went up to the front door and knocked with Vinyl by my side. The door opened, it was spike, and like I said before I read the books, so I know all about them. “Hey Twilight someone is at the door, its Vinyl and someone else!” “Hold on Spike I’m coming.” She came right to the door and she looked shock to see me with Vinyl. “Well hi um…” “My name is James” I said to her politely. “Well hello there James, My name is Twilight Sparkle, but you can call me Twilight.” Vinyl then spoke up before I could say anything else. “I’m here to show him around Ponyville.” “Oh, so you’re new here?” “Well yes I am.” Hmmm, that’s good to hear we never really had any humans here before, well I hope you enjoy your stay!” “Thanks twilight is it ok if a came in?” “No it’s not much of a bother to me, but sure why not.” I went inside and spike was standing there and I was looking there speechless, all around me were books, books, books and lots of books. “Twilight this is amazing!” I said with amazement. “That’s a lot of books, how many are there?” “I can’t remember how many.” She proclaimed, I was looking at all the books with a keen eye, but around then it was time to go. “Hey, Book work we got to go!” She yelled at me to get down from the ladder. *sigh* I hate it when they call me like that I thought to myself on the way out the door, I looked back and waved goodbye to her. As she closed the door, there was a note with a gift and it read

Dear Twilight Sparkle,
It was an amazing sight to see you read all these books, so this is a gift for you and your reading potential. Keep on reading!

From,
James

From then I could feel somthing when i left to get to my next destionation, it felt like a feeling that i never really had in a long time it was going to develop fast and i know so.

Comments

[Gear Box]

Living in my world was kind of not really exiting anymore and some of my friends hated me for no apparent reason.

Holy shit that jumped into it quick. More SHOWING less TELLING.

[ButtEater9]

Okay, this story has quite a few issues. It seems like your main problem is spelling and grammar, but there are also a few things I disliked about the story's content. I'm going to give you some advice on how to improve.

First of all, I'm going to address the title, description, and chapter titles. The title and chapter titles are mostly fine, but generally every word in a title is capitalised, unless it's "the, of, to, and, a" (There are others, but those are the main ones). So your story title should be "Show Me the DJ Way!", and your chapter titles should be "Making Songs", "The Arrival in Front of Vinyl's House", and "The Feeling of Friendship". You might also consider shortening the title of the second chapter to "The Arrival" or something; it just seems a bit long. As for the description, it has a run on sentence, unnecessary capitalisation, and some details that could probably be left out. Here's your description now:

"I was chosen, at random to help Vinyl with her music skills, She needed ideas for a song and I was the singer. But there's just one problem, We had to do it in a certain amount of weeks, Going to sing at the bar on Friday night. Now we have to try and come up with a song. Can we make up a song before the big show at the bar? I sure hope so...Also there was a feeling when i wanted to visit everypony around me...It inspired me.

Here's how I would put it:

I was transported at random to Equestria so I could help Vinyl with her music. She needed ideas for a song and she wanted me to sing on it. But there's just one problem: we had to do it in a short amount of time; she was going to perform it at the Ponyville bar on Friday night. Now we have to try and come up with a song. Can we write one in time? I sure hope so... I just need to find inspiration.

This way, it flows a lot better, at least in my opinion.

Now for the story itself. I have to be honest with you, and say that there are way too many spelling and grammar errors for me to point out at the moment. If you'd like me to point them out, I can do so at some point tomorrow. Just let me know.

Instead, I'll focus on the content of the story. I actually like the concept of the story - I like music and the idea of a human being transported to Equestria to help compose a song is pretty cool. However, there are several issues I have with the execution of this concept.

1. The chapter title doesn't need to go at the top of each chapter. We can already see the title of the chapter.

2. This is a pretty glaring hole: How did your character get to Equestria? Most stories use death or a portal or something as an excuse, but you don't even explain it. Just one moment he's on earth, the next he's in Equestria (but yet he still has time to grab his stuff). This should really be explained.

3. When writing dialogue remember this: every speaker gets a new paragraph. Here's an example, without fixing the grammatical errors in your fic:

Here's what you have:

Just then she got all happy and exited and jumped out of her seat, Then she ran up to me and gave me a big hug. I gave her one too as well. "Thanks um...what's you name?" "James" I replied "Well ok James, Want to get started?" "Sure I would love to start now." "Oh and um...Can you show me around Pomyville tomorrow?" I asked. "Why sure I'd love too!" She said with a smile.

Here's what it should be:

Just then she got all happy and exited and jumped out of her seat, Then she ran up to me and gave me a big hug. I gave her one too as well. "Thanks um...what's you name?"

"James" I replied

"Well ok James, Want to get started?"

"Sure I would love to start now. Oh and um...Can you show me around Pomyville tomorrow?" I asked.

"Why sure I'd love too!" She said with a smile.

4. One of the limitations of writing in first person perspective, as you are, is that you don't get to tell what other characters are thinking/experiencing. So when your character leaves a gift for Twilight, there is no way he can know if she actually saw it or read the note.

5. You seriously need to add detail. Talk more about what James and Vinyl are doing when they work on the song. Let us know more about breakfast than the fact that it lasted 2 minutes. With more detail, you could stretch these chapters to be 1500-2000 words each, easily. Many people on this site dislike chapters that are less than 1000 words, to them it shows that the author couldn't put in the effort to make it longer. There's only one good story I know of with chapters less than 1000 words, and it manages because of good writing, and also because it's 250 chapters long.

This seriously needs a ton of work. I like the concept, but you could have done a better job writing it. I can help you out with spelling and grammar tomorrow if you want, but I'm sure the TWE will be here soon, and they'll take care of that first. I'm not going to rate this, but in its current state, I'd definitely be leaning towards a thumbs down if I did rate it.

[Art Inspired]

I got here before Regidar.

[Armalite]

Some of your friends hated you for no apparent reason? I'm sure there were reasons dude.

[KillerSteel]

1634055

This success calls for a drink.

As for the story, I'll review the title and description in a bit.

[Dead_Page]

Wait, zero likes, multiple TWE members already present.... This can only mean one thing.
-resists train macro-

I would review this, but I have a tendency to hate ninety percent of HiE fics, and when I spend too much time reading something that is abhorrent to my every particle, I tend to end with a tad more hate, cursing, and images than are needed in the review. I'll just let the fifty-odd reviewers deal with this one.

[Snapple Jack]

You tried at least. This is ungodly boring in every single way possible. Go home kid and try again.

[Written Out]

1,500 words in three chapters. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl2.png

Try expanding in detail a little more. Make that a lot more. I like the basic premise, but there's no real promise. With such short chapters, there's no real sense that this story will build to a good payoff.

My advice: listen to the friendly TWE reviewers, fix up your grammer and presentation, and think of more details to put in each scene.

[f0xhole]

......
Okay, I've done a couple of reviews in my time on the site. They all run pretty much the same- "Like the idea, should find an editor, and try to fix x and y". I like to keep it positive. The lowest review I've ever given (prior to this) still ran that formula; it just pointed out a bunch of horrendous plot holes to go with it.

So, assuming that this isn't simply a trollfic, here goes...

1.

Living in my world was kind of not really exiting anymore and some of my friends hated me for no apparent reason.

OH SWEET BABY MOSES WHY.

Okay, okay, deep breaths

Grammar and spelling aside... 'some of my friends hated me for no apparent reason.'
Any chance that you wanted to, oh I don't, develop that at all? Maybe show some interaction between this guy and his 'friends' (and why are they his friends if they hate him?)?

Also, 'living in my world was kind of not really exiting(sic) anymore...'
Again, grammar aside, NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS. They might say there 'life' wasn't exciting, hell, they could even complaining about the world being a boring place, but NO ONE says that living in their world has stopped being exciting unless they've already been to another world.

2.

I locked my self in my room from time to time, But that was because I like to drown out everything around me so I pop in my headphones and pick my favorite songs and just dance the night away.

Building on the first half of the last point- show, don't tell. Also, while not technically an error, it's generally better to stick to past tense outside of dialogue; it just flows better.

3.

When I fall asleep some time I dream about Ponyville and it's people or Pony's that live there. I have read books about them, and they were all interesting and seem to be talented at what they do best.

Um, okay. So, does he watch the show? Does MLP even exist in his world? Is it a prophetic vision? What's going on here?

Okay, so there's books. Are they the same books we have, or are they more in the 'myths and legends' type folder?

Also, 'seem to be talented at what they do best.? YOU DON'T SAY.

4. I don't have quote for this one, because it's so rampant, but COMMA ABUSE. PERIODS ARE OKAY, TOO.

5.

and now I feel like I'm Twilight Sparkle,

Wait, so does he just identify with Twilight, or is he dreaming about being Twilight? Who knows?

6.

Making songs is a past time or free time thing I do

'past time' and 'free time thing' mean the same thing. It's redundant.

7.

Before I depart from this world

Huh?

Well hear I go to the world of Equestia,

Wait, what!?

OH FUCK NO.

NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NONONONONONONONONONONONONO.

Deep breaths, Fox...

Okay.

There are HiE stories where there is pretty much no explanation given for how they ended up there. I'm cool with that. No, really, I am. Some quirk of the universe just poofed them in? Stray bit of magic, maybe? Or just starting off in media res? Fine. A little bit of an unorthodox plot point, but some people just want to jump into the action, and as long as the story turns out good, I won't hold that against them.

That, however, is NOT what we have here.

Here, you have a person who somehow knows about another world (with no explanation), how to access another world (with no explanation), has failed to do so up until now despite the fact that they apparently hate their life in this world (or out of, you know, BASIC HUMAN CURIOSITY) (with no explanation), through a method, which, despite your previous track record, you explained in great detail.

Oh, no wait, you didn't, there's no explanation for that either (see a pattern, here?)

8.

Well, Here I am in Ponyville and it seems to be night time when I arrived,

Okay, so you've gotten to Ponyville on the Plot Convenience express. How does it 'seem' to be night time? Does the night sky not give it away? It's one or the other, and it's pretty hard to get them confused unless you're simultaneously blind, deaf, and lacking in that sense that lets you detect temperature (hell if I know what it's called).

9.

But I didn't mind. I walked carefully and I was trying not to wake every pony while there sleeping, Pretty soon I arrived at was directed to: Vinyl Scratch's house

If everypony's sleeping, who did you get directions from? And how did you know which house was Vinyl Scratch's?

10.

"Hello there!" She said softly "hello" I replied "Would you like to come in?" "Sure it is getting pretty cold anyway."

Multiple people talking in the same paragraph? In the name of Allah, I cast thee out!

11.

So, Vinyl scratch was it?" "Yeah what is it?" "why am I here again?"

a) She didn't introduce herself. You already knew her name, so why are you checking? And if you're just saying it like that to be polite, why isn't she questioning how you know her name.

b) HOW THE FUCK WOULD SHE KNOW WHY YOU'RE THERE?! YOU WENT TO HER!

12.

I woke up the next day bright and early. Don't ask me why but I have the time to wake up and smell the roses.

We don't need to ask you why. You already told us that you got up early.

13.

it was just an amazing looking building that was a tree. “Oh wow that’s amazing looking!” I said with amazement.

a) It's 'just' an 'amazing' building? No one says that something is 'just amazing'.

b) Again, no one talks like that. Please read your dialogue out loud before you write it down.

c) It's redundant to tell us that it's 'amazing looking', then have a character announce that it's 'amazing looking'. We got it the first time, really.

14.

After we ate breakfast it was time for a trip to see the folks of Ponyville, Vinyl showed me around and I pretty much enjoyed the place. Our first stop was Twilight Sparkles house, and it was nice, concerning that it was just an amazing looking building that was a tree. “Oh wow that’s amazing looking!” I said with amazement. “Yeah, you should go talk to her.” “All by myself?” I proclaimed. “I’ll come don’t worry just introduce yourself I won’t be that hard will it?” “I sure hope not.” I went up to the front door and knocked with Vinyl by my side. The door opened, it was spike, and like I said before I read the books, so I know all about them. “Hey Twilight someone is at the door, its Vinyl and someone else!” “Hold on Spike I’m coming.” She came right to the door and she looked shock to see me with Vinyl. “Well hi um…” “My name is James” I said to her politely. “Well hello there James, My name is Twilight Sparkle, but you can call me Twilight.” Vinyl then spoke up before I could say anything else. “I’m here to show him around Ponyville.” “Oh, so you’re new here?” “Well yes I am.” Hmmm, that’s good to hear we never really had any humans here before, well I hope you enjoy your stay!” “Thanks twilight is it ok if a came in?” “No it’s not much of a bother to me, but sure why not.” I went inside and spike was standing there and I was looking there speechless, all around me were books, books, books and lots of books. “Twilight this is amazing!” I said with amazement. “That’s a lot of books, how many are there?” “I can’t remember how many.” She proclaimed, I was looking at all the books with a keen eye, but around then it was time to go. “Hey, Book work we got to go!” She yelled at me to get down from the ladder. *sigh* I hate it when they call me like that I thought to myself on the way out the door, I looked back and waved goodbye to her. As she closed the door, there was a note with a gift and it read

WALL OF TEXT! KILL IT! KILL IT!

15.

She came right to the door and she looked shock to see me with Vinyl.

Oooh, so close, yet so far. Okay, so she's surprised to him, but...it's because he's new. Not because he's a clearly sapient, never before seen species, he's just new in town. Sorry, I don't think Pinkie has quite desensitised Twilight to that point yet.

16.

“Hey, Book work we got to go!” She yelled at me to get down from the ladder.

Uh, yeah, I don't even know what's going on here. 'Book work'?

17.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,
It was an amazing sight to see you read all these books, so this is a gift for you and your reading potential. Keep on reading!
From,
James

You...you got the sender and the receiver the wrong way around. How...how...

18.

From then I could feel somthing when i left to get to my next destionation, it felt like a feeling that i never really had in a long time it was going to develop fast and i know so.

Hmmm...you're lucky you don't have the romance tag on this story, or I'd started wailing on you about shoddy, shallow love interests. As it is, I'm just going to wail on you about shoddy, shallow friendships.

There was no development of Twilight/James relationship in that paragraph. None. James reading some books is not going to make Twilight instantly friends with him. I know she's friendly, but most people talk to each other first. Granted, James is all emo depressed, so he could just latch onto someone, but going on about how 'it was going to develop fast and i(sic) know so' is just overkill.

So, as I said at the start, I like to keep things positive. So here goes.

Scrap it.

No really. Scrap it, and start over. Write out your story plan (at the very least I can say that you seem to have some direction with your story), but DON'T write yet. Read some other stories. Read some other HiE. If you're not feeling confident, plan your story down to a T and see if you can find someone to write it with you. As long as it's all planned out, you can keep it following your original ideal. But you can do a lot better than...this.

[Regidar]

1634055 I'm late!

Anyway, 27 dislikes, 0 likes. Good job, mate.

[RainbowBob]

This, is, bad. That is my honest opinion of it. Short chapters, grammar and spelling aren't exactly on par, and the cliché of an HiE are all rolled into one. Even by looking at your description I can tell this is bad, mostly because you replaced periods in certain sentences with commas. This fic is an example of what gives most HiE stories a bad name. Also, the plot is God awful . Rewrite this or scrap it, for the good of us all.

[TAB]

Dear Twilight Sparkle,
It was an amazing sight to see you read all these books, so this is a gift for you and your reading potential. Keep on reading!
From, James

I quit!

How do you F-up a letter that badly?
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7969-527266_342418675848752_621593333_n.jpg

[Calirolls]

You deserve a cookie.. That contains poison. :L

[WoppoWoop]

Under 1,000 words?

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS GET APPROVED!?

[asylum1388]

1636028
^Author, listen to this guy.

[ambion]

1639534

It's total story length. It does meet that merit.

All the same, I feel your pain bro.

The fact that some of these REVIEWS are longer than those chapters though? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

[Marozia]

1639534
It brings to mind a demonstration of the workings of a water filter I saw a few years ago. There are several different filtering mechanisms, the first of which only filters out the largest of the garbage. FIMfiction's approval system is similar in that it only filters out the stories that blatantly defy its standards.

I don't think I've ever seen a story that had zero likes before, now that I think about it. Usually they at least have one or two..

[Th4t Dark c0rner]

1639358
In times of great need, there is one person we can call on. The Fan community's only hope. that man is... WILL FERREL!
media.giantbomb.com/uploads/4/44953/2307890-anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly_super.jpg

[Regidar]

1643059 THERE WE GO!

[MarcusBullet]

25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcokutf1In1rk48ieo2_400.jpg