Chapter 1: Making songs
Living in my world was kind of not really exiting anymore and some of my friends hated me for no apparent reason.
I locked my self in my room from time to time, But that was because I like to drown out everything around me so I pop in my headphones and pick my favorite songs and just dance the night away.
When I fall asleep some time I dream about Ponyville and it's people or Pony's that live there. I have read books about them, and they were all interesting and seem to be talented at what they do best. I keep on reading these books and I can't put them down, Hour after hour after hour I read about them, and now I feel like I'm Twilight Sparkle, Just learning and reading and I feel a strange feeling when I open and flip through the pages, It does remind me of when I made friends, But soon got of hand now a days. But songs about these Pony's would make me feel better about it, But some times I wish that I was there. I do wish from the bottom of my heart I was there.
Making songs is a past time or free time thing I do, The thing about this is I write about them, Not anyone from where I was from, But in Ponyville and Cantorlot. It made me feel happy on the inside and I couldn't let it go it made me feel happy again unlike my world. Before I depart from this world I bring my sunglasses, Headphones, books, calendar, guitar and my own song sheets. Well hear I go to the world of Equestia, But for some reason I felt like I was chosen for something, Something that didn't expect In the first place but now that I'm going there makes me feel like I'm going to make a lot more friends then I did back in my world and I don't want to back anytime soon, Hopefully friendship will make me feel like I found what I came for. I also hope that I will learn something while I'm there too. I do hope this will be the best trip ever!
Okay, I could point out the huge amount of grammar and spelling issues in this, but that's been done already. Instead, I will focus on the story. Must've been pretty bad to get 38:0 downvote to upvote, but there must be some redeeming quality about it that-
You. Bastard. That's it, I am throwing the niceties out the window and into a volcano, it's crack-down time.
NO PERSON would say that their 'world' isn't exciting. Maybe their life, or that the world as a whole doesn't seem exciting, but 'my world'? That's implying that other worlds are more exciting, and this is Earth! What the hell? And this friends dilemma: you aren't even going to try and explain anything? They just hate him. Maybe he was born with a third nipple or some shit like that.
That's nice, as opposed to going to sleep, or being angsty about his sucky life.
So... he's a brony? Wait a second, what the hell does he mean by 'books'? What books exist about My Little Pony?! Excluding the 1 1/2 fanfiction books in existence, I'm pretty damn sure there are none. Oh, he feels like Twilight Sparkle? That's nice; because he can read some books, he compares himself to a magical protege who is addicted to reading. Also, not only is it redundant to state that he wants to be in Equestria twice (and seriously, who doesn't?), there's a difference between 'sometimes wishing for it' and 'wishing for it from the bottom of my heart'.
Okay, he makes songs, writes about them- wait a fucking second! What the hell? 'Depart from this world'? What is this nuthead talking about?
Bullshit. I'm calling bullshit. There is no way that you could've just written that the normal, human guy could just transport to Equestria with a goddamn thought. You couldn't have. What sane person- no, actually, I take that back. No sane person could throw this in there and say 'Yeah, this makes sense. Those readers will just love this, they'll just friggin' eat this up! Yummy!'.
Urgh, this makes my head hurt. Thanks for the headache. Not really, though. I felt I should clarify that I was using sarcasm in case it didn't register. So, we have an angst-ridden teenager who thinks he has it bad, who can apparently make music, and has the ability to traverse dimensions with a thought. Oh, and he has a third nipple. This... I don't know how to describe the way I feel about this story without it devolving into a random string of curses. And this is only the first chapter. I haven't even begun on the other two. To be honest, you might wanna just scrap this, go read some good literature, learn how to write, get a pre-reader, and then write a new story with a hint of originality and talent. Trust me.
-Plyxe, the brutally honest plot reviewer