"I was chosen, at random to help Vinyl with her music skills, She needed ideas for a song and I was the singer. But there's just one problem, We had to do it in a certain amount of weeks, Going to sing at the bar on Friday night. Now we have to try and come up with a song. Can we make up a song before the big show at the bar? I sure hope so...Also there was a feeling when i wanted to visit everypony around me...It inspired me.
Holy shit that jumped into it quick. More SHOWING less TELLING.
Okay, this story has quite a few issues. It seems like your main problem is spelling and grammar, but there are also a few things I disliked about the story's content. I'm going to give you some advice on how to improve.
First of all, I'm going to address the title, description, and chapter titles. The title and chapter titles are mostly fine, but generally every word in a title is capitalised, unless it's "the, of, to, and, a" (There are others, but those are the main ones). So your story title should be "Show Me the DJ Way!", and your chapter titles should be "Making Songs", "The Arrival in Front of Vinyl's House", and "The Feeling of Friendship". You might also consider shortening the title of the second chapter to "The Arrival" or something; it just seems a bit long. As for the description, it has a run on sentence, unnecessary capitalisation, and some details that could probably be left out. Here's your description now:
Here's how I would put it:
This way, it flows a lot better, at least in my opinion.
Now for the story itself. I have to be honest with you, and say that there are way too many spelling and grammar errors for me to point out at the moment. If you'd like me to point them out, I can do so at some point tomorrow. Just let me know.
Instead, I'll focus on the content of the story. I actually like the concept of the story - I like music and the idea of a human being transported to Equestria to help compose a song is pretty cool. However, there are several issues I have with the execution of this concept.
1. The chapter title doesn't need to go at the top of each chapter. We can already see the title of the chapter.
2. This is a pretty glaring hole: How did your character get to Equestria? Most stories use death or a portal or something as an excuse, but you don't even explain it. Just one moment he's on earth, the next he's in Equestria (but yet he still has time to grab his stuff). This should really be explained.
3. When writing dialogue remember this: every speaker gets a new paragraph. Here's an example, without fixing the grammatical errors in your fic:
Here's what you have:
Here's what it should be:
4. One of the limitations of writing in first person perspective, as you are, is that you don't get to tell what other characters are thinking/experiencing. So when your character leaves a gift for Twilight, there is no way he can know if she actually saw it or read the note.
5. You seriously need to add detail. Talk more about what James and Vinyl are doing when they work on the song. Let us know more about breakfast than the fact that it lasted 2 minutes. With more detail, you could stretch these chapters to be 1500-2000 words each, easily. Many people on this site dislike chapters that are less than 1000 words, to them it shows that the author couldn't put in the effort to make it longer. There's only one good story I know of with chapters less than 1000 words, and it manages because of good writing, and also because it's 250 chapters long.
This seriously needs a ton of work. I like the concept, but you could have done a better job writing it. I can help you out with spelling and grammar tomorrow if you want, but I'm sure the TWE will be here soon, and they'll take care of that first. I'm not going to rate this, but in its current state, I'd definitely be leaning towards a thumbs down if I did rate it.
I got here before Regidar.
Some of your friends hated you for no apparent reason? I'm sure there were reasons dude.
1634055
This success calls for a drink.
As for the story, I'll review the title and description in a bit.
Wait, zero likes, multiple TWE members already present.... This can only mean one thing.
-resists train macro-
I would review this, but I have a tendency to hate ninety percent of HiE fics, and when I spend too much time reading something that is abhorrent to my every particle, I tend to end with a tad more hate, cursing, and images than are needed in the review. I'll just let the fifty-odd reviewers deal with this one.
You tried at least. This is ungodly boring in every single way possible. Go home kid and try again.
1,500 words in three chapters. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Vinyl2.png
Try expanding in detail a little more. Make that a lot more. I like the basic premise, but there's no real promise. With such short chapters, there's no real sense that this story will build to a good payoff.
My advice: listen to the friendly TWE reviewers, fix up your grammer and presentation, and think of more details to put in each scene.
i.imgur.com/uhBtk.gif
Wall of text and things escalating too rapidly, and I'm only on chapter 2.
......
Okay, I've done a couple of reviews in my time on the site. They all run pretty much the same- "Like the idea, should find an editor, and try to fix x and y". I like to keep it positive. The lowest review I've ever given (prior to this) still ran that formula; it just pointed out a bunch of horrendous plot holes to go with it.
So, assuming that this isn't simply a trollfic, here goes...
1.
OH SWEET BABY MOSES WHY.
Okay, okay, deep breaths
Grammar and spelling aside... 'some of my friends hated me for no apparent reason.'
Any chance that you wanted to, oh I don't, develop that at all? Maybe show some interaction between this guy and his 'friends' (and why are they his friends if they hate him?)?
Also, 'living in my world was kind of not really exiting(sic) anymore...'
Again, grammar aside, NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS. They might say there 'life' wasn't exciting, hell, they could even complaining about the world being a boring place, but NO ONE says that living in their world has stopped being exciting unless they've already been to another world.
2.
Building on the first half of the last point- show, don't tell. Also, while not technically an error, it's generally better to stick to past tense outside of dialogue; it just flows better.
3.
Um, okay. So, does he watch the show? Does MLP even exist in his world? Is it a prophetic vision? What's going on here?
Okay, so there's books. Are they the same books we have, or are they more in the 'myths and legends' type folder?
Also, 'seem to be talented at what they do best.? YOU DON'T SAY.
4. I don't have quote for this one, because it's so rampant, but COMMA ABUSE. PERIODS ARE OKAY, TOO.
5.
Wait, so does he just identify with Twilight, or is he dreaming about being Twilight? Who knows?
6.
'past time' and 'free time thing' mean the same thing. It's redundant.
7.
Huh?
Wait, what!?
OH FUCK NO.
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO
NONONONONONONONONONONONONO.
Deep breaths, Fox...
Okay.
There are HiE stories where there is pretty much no explanation given for how they ended up there. I'm cool with that. No, really, I am. Some quirk of the universe just poofed them in? Stray bit of magic, maybe? Or just starting off in media res? Fine. A little bit of an unorthodox plot point, but some people just want to jump into the action, and as long as the story turns out good, I won't hold that against them.
That, however, is NOT what we have here.
Here, you have a person who somehow knows about another world (with no explanation), how to access another world (with no explanation), has failed to do so up until now despite the fact that they apparently hate their life in this world (or out of, you know, BASIC HUMAN CURIOSITY) (with no explanation), through a method, which, despite your previous track record, you explained in great detail.
Oh, no wait, you didn't, there's no explanation for that either (see a pattern, here?)
8.
Okay, so you've gotten to Ponyville on the Plot Convenience express. How does it 'seem' to be night time? Does the night sky not give it away? It's one or the other, and it's pretty hard to get them confused unless you're simultaneously blind, deaf, and lacking in that sense that lets you detect temperature (hell if I know what it's called).
9.
If everypony's sleeping, who did you get directions from? And how did you know which house was Vinyl Scratch's?
10.
Multiple people talking in the same paragraph? In the name of Allah, I cast thee out!
11.
a) She didn't introduce herself. You already knew her name, so why are you checking? And if you're just saying it like that to be polite, why isn't she questioning how you know her name.
b) HOW THE FUCK WOULD SHE KNOW WHY YOU'RE THERE?! YOU WENT TO HER!
12.
We don't need to ask you why. You already told us that you got up early.
13.
a) It's 'just' an 'amazing' building? No one says that something is 'just amazing'.
b) Again, no one talks like that. Please read your dialogue out loud before you write it down.
c) It's redundant to tell us that it's 'amazing looking', then have a character announce that it's 'amazing looking'. We got it the first time, really.
14.
WALL OF TEXT! KILL IT! KILL IT!
15.
Oooh, so close, yet so far. Okay, so she's surprised to him, but...it's because he's new. Not because he's a clearly sapient, never before seen species, he's just new in town. Sorry, I don't think Pinkie has quite desensitised Twilight to that point yet.
16.
Uh, yeah, I don't even know what's going on here. 'Book work'?
17.
You...you got the sender and the receiver the wrong way around. How...how...
18.
Hmmm...you're lucky you don't have the romance tag on this story, or I'd started wailing on you about shoddy, shallow love interests. As it is, I'm just going to wail on you about shoddy, shallow friendships.
There was no development of Twilight/James relationship in that paragraph. None. James reading some books is not going to make Twilight instantly friends with him. I know she's friendly, but most people talk to each other first. Granted, James is all emo depressed, so he could just latch onto someone, but going on about how 'it was going to develop fast and i(sic) know so' is just overkill.
So, as I said at the start, I like to keep things positive. So here goes.
Scrap it.
No really. Scrap it, and start over. Write out your story plan (at the very least I can say that you seem to have some direction with your story), but DON'T write yet. Read some other stories. Read some other HiE. If you're not feeling confident, plan your story down to a T and see if you can find someone to write it with you. As long as it's all planned out, you can keep it following your original ideal. But you can do a lot better than...this.
1634055 I'm late!
Anyway, 27 dislikes, 0 likes. Good job, mate.
This, is, bad. That is my honest opinion of it. Short chapters, grammar and spelling aren't exactly on par, and the cliché of an HiE are all rolled into one. Even by looking at your description I can tell this is bad, mostly because you replaced periods in certain sentences with commas. This fic is an example of what gives most HiE stories a bad name. Also, the plot is God awful . Rewrite this or scrap it, for the good of us all.
I quit!
How do you F-up a letter that badly?
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7969-527266_342418675848752_621593333_n.jpg
You deserve a cookie.. That contains poison. :L
Under 1,000 words?
HOW THE FUCK DID THIS GET APPROVED!?
1636028
^Author, listen to this guy.
1639534
It's total story length. It does meet that merit.
All the same, I feel your pain bro.
The fact that some of these REVIEWS are longer than those chapters though? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
1639534
It brings to mind a demonstration of the workings of a water filter I saw a few years ago. There are several different filtering mechanisms, the first of which only filters out the largest of the garbage. FIMfiction's approval system is similar in that it only filters out the stories that blatantly defy its standards.
I don't think I've ever seen a story that had zero likes before, now that I think about it. Usually they at least have one or two..
1639358
In times of great need, there is one person we can call on. The Fan community's only hope. that man is... WILL FERREL!
media.giantbomb.com/uploads/4/44953/2307890-anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly_super.jpg
1643059 THERE WE GO!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcokutf1In1rk48ieo2_400.jpg
Okay, I could point out the huge amount of grammar and spelling issues in this, but that's been done already. Instead, I will focus on the story. Must've been pretty bad to get 38:0 downvote to upvote, but there must be some redeeming quality about it that-
You. Bastard. That's it, I am throwing the niceties out the window and into a volcano, it's crack-down time.
NO PERSON would say that their 'world' isn't exciting. Maybe their life, or that the world as a whole doesn't seem exciting, but 'my world'? That's implying that other worlds are more exciting, and this is Earth! What the hell? And this friends dilemma: you aren't even going to try and explain anything? They just hate him. Maybe he was born with a third nipple or some shit like that.
That's nice, as opposed to going to sleep, or being angsty about his sucky life.
So... he's a brony? Wait a second, what the hell does he mean by 'books'? What books exist about My Little Pony?! Excluding the 1 1/2 fanfiction books in existence, I'm pretty damn sure there are none. Oh, he feels like Twilight Sparkle? That's nice; because he can read some books, he compares himself to a magical protege who is addicted to reading. Also, not only is it redundant to state that he wants to be in Equestria twice (and seriously, who doesn't?), there's a difference between 'sometimes wishing for it' and 'wishing for it from the bottom of my heart'.
Okay, he makes songs, writes about them- wait a fucking second! What the hell? 'Depart from this world'? What is this nuthead talking about?
Bullshit. I'm calling bullshit. There is no way that you could've just written that the normal, human guy could just transport to Equestria with a goddamn thought. You couldn't have. What sane person- no, actually, I take that back. No sane person could throw this in there and say 'Yeah, this makes sense. Those readers will just love this, they'll just friggin' eat this up! Yummy!'.
Urgh, this makes my head hurt. Thanks for the headache. Not really, though. I felt I should clarify that I was using sarcasm in case it didn't register. So, we have an angst-ridden teenager who thinks he has it bad, who can apparently make music, and has the ability to traverse dimensions with a thought. Oh, and he has a third nipple. This... I don't know how to describe the way I feel about this story without it devolving into a random string of curses. And this is only the first chapter. I haven't even begun on the other two. To be honest, you might wanna just scrap this, go read some good literature, learn how to write, get a pre-reader, and then write a new story with a hint of originality and talent. Trust me.
-Plyxe, the brutally honest plot reviewer