• Published 15th Nov 2012
  • 3,449 Views, 79 Comments

Top Gear: The Pony Special - TheUziel



The Top Gear team invites Rainbow Dash to see which is better: Horsepower or Ponypower

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The Switch and the Letter

Rainbow Dash grumbled, “I still say that machine was rigged.”

She and her rival stood on the testing track, both of them looking in the camera’s direction, with the Murcielago and Hammond in between them. While the Stig stood with his arms crossed, his body language unreadable, the pegasus was clearly upset.

“I’ve explained horsepower to you during our, ahem, ‘lively discussion’,” The human said, “And you’ve submitted yourself twice more to that abomination.”

Rainbow glared at Richard, who flinched out of habit. He lifted his hands, palms out at her while tensing to run again.

“You even volunteered me to take that test, much to my dismay. I scored even lower than you did!”

The pony snorted, looking away, “Fine, all right. You want me to go easy on you. Whatever.”
Richard relaxed a bit, adjusting his suit jacket, “Anyways, our panel of judges have come up with something novel. Role reversal. We’ll have Rainbow Dash driving the Murcielago, while the Stig flies, and we’ll have them race one mile.”

“What? I can’t drive your stupid autowagon!” Dash exclaimed, turning back to Hammond. “And he can’t fly!”

Richard grinned, “As always, we’ve taken that into account.”

The camera pans out, revealing a Eurofighter Typhoon, a fighter jet of the Royal Air Force.

“Since he can’t fly under his own power, he’ll have the next best thing.”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow skeptically, “How can that thing fly? It doesn’t even look like it can even move.”

“With the help of science.”

The pegasus looked confused, “Okay, so if he’s getting help from some eggheads, who’s gonna help me?”

Hammond blanched, “Oh, umm, hadn’t thought of that. One tick.” He walked over to the two judges, who were next to the caterer’s cart.

“I think we’ve hit a bit of a snag. Who’s gonna teach her how to drive?” Hammond asked.

Jeremy held out a three straws in his fist.

Richard looked at the three straws, looked at the older man, and backed to the straws. “You’re kidding.”

“It’s fair.” James said, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Fair, right. I think that’s the first fair thing you’ve come up with all day.” Richard reached to grab one, as did James. Jeremy opened his hand to show his straw, as they each looked at each others straws.

Hammond nodded, looking to the two. “Right, I’ll go let her know.”


“So? Who’s it gonna be?” Rainbow Dash asked, taking to the air as she saw the short man returning.

Hammond took his previous spot in front of the Murcielago, turning back to the cameras.

“Well?”

“People of Britain, it has been an honour entertaining you. My last request is that BBC2 skip over the training, so as not to show you my soon to be gruesome death.” Richard Hammond says, a grave expression on his face.

A montage of shots is shown of the Murcielago with Richard’s voice heard as he was instructing Rainbow Dash.
“No no no, you depress the clutch and the brake before turning the key. Is it in neutral?”

The car lurches forward in one shot before cutting off, a grinding noise heard. “I hope that wasn’t what I think it was.”

The next shot cuts to the car moving slowly. “Alright, now press the gas.”

It shoots foward with a roar of the engine, “Brake brake brake!”

“WHICH ONE IS THAT?!” Rainbow Dash yelled.

The next shot, Rainbow Dash and Richard were sitting on the tarmac, leaning against the car, silently munching on some sandwiches.

The next shot shows the car fishtailing and coming to a stop, the engine cutting off and silence in the air.

“Right, I think I’m going to reorganize my list of fears, put you somewhere near the top.”


A shot shows that the sun was setting, the Murcielago sitting in place. Rainbow Dash had found out how to operate the radio, the rock music blaring from the speakers.

The interior shows the pegasus banging her head to the music, eyes closed and a wide grin. Richard was obviously trying to say something, but his yelling barely drowned out by the song. Thankfully, the BBC2 offices have lip readers.

“Could you please turn that down?”

[I’m an idiot. I’m rubbish as a teacher.]

“I really don’t want to give the producer’s a chance to put words in my mouth.”

[I learned to drive by reading the back of a cereal box.]

“Right, once more, then I think that’ll be enough teaching today.”

[James and Jeremy are fat foppish idiots as well.]

The last shot shows the car going slowly coming to a stop. The scene shifts to the interior, showing a very frightened Hammond in the passenger seat, hands braced against the dashboard and the roof, with Rainbow Dash looking at him.

“Hey, this is about your Pony autowagon against a pony, right?" She asks him.

“It’s a car, an automobile. Not an autowagon.” Richard mumbled, staring straight out the windshield, blood returning to his whitened face.

“Whatever,” the pegasus looked away in thought, unbuckling the seatbelt and opening the door, “See you tomorrow.”

Hammond slowly nodded his head, not taking notice of her absence.


The next day arrives to clear skies and good weather. Richard and Jeremy, coffee in hand, are seen standing next to a trailer that the Stig had just entered.

“Clarkson, did you know the Stig has a suit for flying?”

“Really? I did not know that. How does it look?”

The Stig steps out the trailer, wearing an olive green flight suit, helmet and oxygen mask still obscuring his face.

“Take a look.” Richard says, motioning to the Stig. “The Royal Air Force gave it to him as a gift. He says it makes him fly better.”

“He looks quite dashing, I will say that.” Clarkson said, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Guys,” Jeremy said, walking up to the two, “I was just informed of something.”

“What is it?” Hammond asked

“Well, there was an incident last night. Someone broke into our garages.”

“What?”

“Was anything taken?”

“I don’t know yet. I had asked, but I wasn’t told anyth-”
James was interrupted by a car horn, catching the attention of the three hosts. A car was approaching them. What looked like a car anyways. It had four wheels, what sounded like an engine, and it had a group of ponies on it. As it drew closer, the hosts recognized what they were driving.

It was the Murcielago. To say it’s been modified was an understatement. The top was taken off, it had no windows apart from the windshield. It’s boot taken off to reveal a missing engine, replaced by a platform above some tubes and a wooden contraption. What was left of it’s body was covered in various gems. There was a pony wearing a cowboy hat behind the steering wheel, while Rainbow Dash stood atop the platform flapping her wings. A lavender unicorn whose horn was glowing looked at the contraption, a pink pony and a yellow pegasus were holding pom-pom were sharing the front seat with a white unicorn, while two beige unicorns sat on the bonnet.
Jeremy, James, and Richard looked on in horror as the ‘car’ pulled to a stop in front of them. The two unicorns that sat atop the bonnet, their red manes covered by straw hats, jumped down and made their way to the camera.

"Greetings from Equestria!" they said together with enthusiasim

"He's Flim-" one said.

"He's Flam-" said the other.

"And we're the Flim-Flam brothers!" They announced together.

Rainbow Dash jumped from the platform, landing behind the two brothers.

“And together, we’re gonna own this thing!” She exclaimed.

Jeremy, James, and Richard though, weren’t paying attention to the ponies. Their attention was on what was once the Lamborghini, looks of horror upon their faces. Clarkson had clutched at his heart, while Hammond knelt down with his head between his knees. James was stammering, trying to find something say, holding himself up by bracing himself against the trailer.

Rainbow Dash turned to the show’s hosts, “You’ve got your team, I’ve got mine.” She turned back to the unicorn brothers, “Now boys, like we discussed last night, this clears you up with the Apple family for that whole cider thing.”

“You got it Rainbow Dash!” They both said in unison.

“These will be selling like apple hotcakes!” the mustached one declared

“Especially since it smells like apple hotcakes!” the other added.

“Awww, nice!” she gave them each a hoof-bump.

She turned back to the car, “Hey Twilight! are you ready for this!”

The lavender unicorn looked up from her inspection of the ‘engine’. “I’m not so sure this is going to work,” Twilight admitted.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Hammond groaned, still crouching down.

“Ah, pucker up sugarcube! Flim ‘n Flam might be scoundrels, but they sure know how to build their contraptions t’work!” assured the stetson wearing pony.

“Now, I want you guys to meet my driving team.” Rainbow Dash said. She pointed a hoof to herself, “I’m gonna be the wingpower. The car moves as long as I flap my wings.”

“Twilight here is the gas and the brakes, so to speak. She keeps it moving, turning my wingpower into wheelpower!” she continued, pointing at the lavender unicorn. She nonchalantly shrugged towards the orange earth pony, “And Applejack is the driver.”

“Howdy!” Applejack said with a smile, tipping her hat at the three men.

“And of course, Team Rainbow Dash wouldn’t be anything without our cheerleaders! Let me hear you Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy!”

The pink pony, already bouncing in her seat, jumped even higher, “WOO! YEAH! GO RAINBOW DASH!”

The yellow pegasus looked to be cheering, her eyes closed tight and her mouth wide, but nothing was coming out of her mouth. Subtitles, though, took care of that.

[YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!]

“And our car designer, Rarity!”

“I did what I could darling,” the unicorn said, “It was a challenge to do anything to improve such an already beautiful autowagon.”

“Let’s get this race started!” Rainbow Dash declared.

With various words of agreement from the other ponies, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity all exited out of the modified Murcielago, taking their place next to the Flim-Flam brothers. Rainbow Dash strapped herself onto the platform, her wings starting the cars engine, while the other two drove it to the starting line by the fighter jet, the Stig already strapped in and it’s engines warmed up for the race.

James May was the first to snap out of his stupor. He turned to look at the other two shell shocked men.

“I don’t know about you two, but I feel I could use a pint right about now.” He said, turning and walking away from the race.

“Right behind you mate,” Richard sniffed, getting up. Jeremy nodded, turning to follow the others.

Back at the starting line, a technician raised up a checkered flag from atop some scaffolding. Team Rainbow Dash’s engine was ‘revving’, The pegasus’ wings fluttering in spurts.

The flag dropped, the autowagon pulling forward with Rainbow Dash flapping her wings for all she’s worth. The Eurofighter Typhoon was quickly moving as well.

They had just gotten off the starting line when the film cuts to the Top Gear studio, the audience applauding as the three hosts and the ponies shared the stage.

“Well,” Clarkson said, “I’m sorry to say but it looks like our viewers won’t know who won.”

“What!” Rainbow Dash growled

“RD, it’s all cool,” Applejack said, patting the rainbow maned pegasus.

“No, it’s not cool! These...‘humans’ have been cheating since we got here! I won’t stand for it!” She took to the air, accusingly pointing at the hosts. “You’re all a bunch of hacks!”
She snorted and flew over the audience and out the doors of the set. Everybody was silent.

“And on that bombshell,” Clarkson said, breaking the silence, “it’s time to end the show.”

The view pans out to show everyone on the stage, both ponies and humans waving to everyone.

“Thanks for watching!” They all said in unison, as the scene fades to the sound of applause and the credits start to roll.


The credits paused, the black background fading to a new scene, one of a very cartoonish library. Twilight Sparkle was floating a quill, while Rainbow Dash could be seen smiling in the background.

“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight starts, writing down the same on the parchment before her, “Friendship comes in all shapes and sizes, and in the past week, we made three new friends. These humans, Jeremy, James, and Richard, welcomed us onto their show, and we learned the difference between competition and entertainment.”

“It was fun,” Rainbow added, “And I hope we do something like that again.”

“Rainbow Dash, of all, learned that last lesson.”

“Not everything is a competition,” Rainbow said, with Twilight scratching her in, “And it’s important to realize when you’re in it to win it, and when you’re just there to play and have fun.”

“Is there anything you three would like to add?” Twilight asked her guests, “Wait, where’s Richard?”

“Where’s the loo?” Richard’s voice could be heard further inside the tree.

The camera shows Jeremy, sitting down on a couch and drinking some tea, and James, looking at some of the books on the shelves.

“We...” Clarkson said, before anyone or anypony could answer, “We should not have had as...much fun as we did...at Miss Dash’s expense.”

“It was... wrong to lead her on.” James continued.

“And make her think it was a real competition.... I, uh, I feel awful.” Jeremy said with mock indignation.

“Real bad,” James snorts, holding his hands behind his back like a schoolgirl, “It was really, heh, naughty of us to do that to poor Miss Dash.”

“Man, Human humor is weird.” Rainbow said, “But apology accepted.”

“Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.” The unicorn says, ending the letter.

“Your friend, Rainbow Dash.”

“Sincerely, Jeremy Clarkson.”

“James May.”

“And Hamster.” Clarkson said, answering for Richard.

Twilight rolled it up with her magic, and passed it to her assistant Spike, who then sent it with his magical fire.

“Miss Sparkle,” Jeremy asked, setting his cup down, “Is there a road leading to this ‘Crystal Empire’ from here?”

~Fin~

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Comments ( 36 )

NOOOOOO! Why did it have to end so soon!

SEQUEL!!!!! GREAT EQUESTRIAN ROADS WITH THE PRINCESES!!!!!:rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

1636455
We'll see. This whole thing started from a chat RP with SoulGamer. It was a spur of the moment thing that led to incredible hilarity.

I'll probably post a fic I wrote a while ago, called 'A Sniff of Magic.' I think ponies would like that one.

That last sentence: looks like the search for the "World's Greatest Road" is gonna continue in Equestria!

Lol loved it :rainbowlaugh:

Well, here's my two cents:
It's ambitious, but rubbish. It could have been a lot better, but one of the writers is a complete hack with no formal training nor any prior experience, while the other was TheUziel. Grammatical errors abound, and the idea seems like something only a deranged man could come up with while reading MLP Fanfics and watching Top Gear.

All that aside, I'm glad that you all enjoyed the story, and got a good laugh or two. Like TheUziel said, it just sprang up from an RP chat we had and it went downhill from there. The result is what you see here.

Again, thank you for reading and enjoying our quirky little story. There's more to come.

1636519 Uck you again. I never want to work with you ever again. Never ever ever. Get out of here.

1636524
You hack, you left me to do all the work!

Please direct all praise to me and all the complaints to TheUziel :pinkiehappy:

I enjoyed this. I'm not sure why, but I did.

1636618
Guilty Pleasure?

SEQUEL!:flutterrage: I DEMAND IT!

It's a shame this hasn't got a lot of likes. I really enjoyed it :)

SEQUEL DAMN F**K IT.

1636467 I like Hazeshift's idea. It could be like the Top Gear challanges with the boys teaming up with a Princess to beat each other in a race around Equestria... with the princesses being encouraged not to use thier authority to cheat (even though they do).

This HAD to be created sometime, and this is quite well executed, if you ask me:moustache::rainbowlaugh:

Worst thing is...this is pretty much what would happen if RD ever was invited to Top Gear...if she was real that is.


Aww why isn't she real`? :raritycry:

Well...

Interesting would be an understatement.

hmmm i wonder if they could teach the ponies about sarcasm that might be intersting

IN FACT:pinkiegasp: i think that could be a whole fanfic PONIES LEARN ABOUT SARCASM:pinkiehappy:

1621446 Just realized... How do the glasses stay on :rainbowhuh:

You better make a goddamn sequel.

1646403
We're in the process of brainstorming. Please wait while we get each of our two brain cells to work cooperatively.

This was Hilarious. Please make a Sequel to this soon.
:rainbowdetermined2:

:rainbowlaugh:
Top Gear's presenters are spot on! :pinkiehappy: Keep it coming.

That was great. Favorited.

It would be great to see Stig's misadventures through Equestria. Sorta like the journey through London.

I think it would have been funnier if a constable had walked up to arrest Rainbow Dash for breaking and entering and grand theft auto. I'm pretty sure getting arrested before the race constitutes a forfeit.

To me the jet wins do to it clearly is faster then dash since she can go Mach one. And the jet can go Mach two (not minus the turns)

THIS DEMANDS A SEQUEL... and what happened at the Equestria-Custom supersonic murcielago!

I own a model of the murchielago

5868497 In the movie or show? I didn't like the movie. His actor for the show died many years ago. His name was Sorrel Booke.

This seriously needs a Follow up,
It was hilarious.
How about Top Gear Equestria Special?

1645553 Cartoon physics. That's how.

Just by reading the title, i can tell this will be glorious :moustache:

It was the Murcielago. To say it’s been modified was an understatement. The top was taken off, it had no windows apart from the windshield. It’s boot taken off to reveal a missing engine, replaced by a platform above some tubes and a wooden contraption. What was left of it’s body was covered in various gems.


Noooooooooo, they mutilated a beautiful piece of art:fluttercry:

Glorious — if only because I love classic Top Gear!

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