The Track and the Drag
The show started like any other, the familiar notes of the Allman Brothers song playing as Jeremy Clarkson gave his unique exposition.
“Tonight: James gets blown away, I have a heart attack, and we find out who’s better, the Stig or the Pony.” The scene changing from both May and Clarkson being pushed over by powerful winds, to the three hosts looking shocked and appalled with Jeremy clutching at his chest, to finally showing the Stig next to a black 2010 Murcielago.
After the opening credits, the view pans over the audience applauding, going in to show the three hosts on the platform, Jeremy Clarkson and James May. May was standing there, smiling with his arms behind his back while Clarkson gave a wave to everyone. Soon, the applause died down, and the two turned to the camera.
“Right,” Clarkson started, “Welcome! We have a very special film for you tonight. Now as you may know, we measure a car’s capabilities with foot-pounds, speed, and just as importantly, pooowerrr.”
“Recently, our producers were contacted by some royals who’ve taken notice of our show. After the initial shock, the two groups came up with the idea to see which was better: Horsepower or Ponypower.”
“Are we really doing this?” James asked.
“How hard can it be?”
The roar of the engine cuts through the air, the black car speeding across the open track. The scene shifts to show Richard Hammond behind the wheel, grinning madly as he’s driving
“The 2010 Lamborghini Murcielago LP640. Combining supercar handling with it’s 631-horsepower V12 engine, it can go zero to sixty two in 3.4 seconds.” He says with glee. “And with the Stig behind the wheel, it’s the perfect car to use in today’s competition.”
The Italian car continued it’s way around the Top Gear Track, the engine being pushed for all it’s worth. Soon, though, it slid into a stop, the door opening upwards to show the driver.
“Though, what else can we say about it that we haven’t already before?” Hammond asked, unbuckling himself and stepping out the car. “What we don’t know much about though, is our rival.”
“She’s brash, she’s boastful,” He says as he walks away from the car, “And she’s a pony.”
A cyan pony with rainbow colored mane and tail fluttered down from the sky landing next to Richard, who was still looking at the camera.
“A pegasus pony, to be precise, and her name is Rainbow Dash.” he continues as the pegasus strikes a pose for the camera. “I swear the producers have run out of ideas.”
"Pff, I'm the best idea your 'producers' have ever had!" Rainbow Dash declared.
“Really, I don’t know much about these ponies, other than that Miss Dash here is one of three pony races, that of the Pegasi. The other two being Unicorns and Earth ponies.” He motioned at the pegasus, “As you can see, They’re extremely short, only barely coming up past even my waist. We’re told that, numerous times now, that Miss Dash is the fastest pegasus alive.”
“I’m the fastest thing alive!” the pony corrected him as James walked up to the two.
“Well today, we’re not only going to see if that’s true, but we’ll also be putting both you and the Stig through a series of different challenges. Seeing as how you are the challenger, we, that is Jeremy, Richard, and myself, will come up with the five challenges. The first is a timed lap around our track, and team Top Gear is up first.” May said.
“Which means,” Jeremy said as he walked into the shot, “we need to turn the Murcielago over to our tame racing driver.”
“Whoever that is better be prepared to eat my dust!” the pegasus said as she started to hover, a smug smile on her face.
“Some say that he is the seventh Element of Harmony, and he claims to be a Brony, whatever that means. All we know is, he’s called the Stig!”
The Stig took off to a fantastic start, tires catching quickly on the tarmac, with Jeremy narrating his progress.
“Here comes Chicago, looks a little wide, but he pulls through smoothly.”
Inside the car, the sounds of music could be heard over the sound of the engine.
“Well this is a change.”
The Stig shifted down as he went into hammerhead, gently feeding power as he went around the corner, opening up the throttle as he came out of it.
“Did that song really say ‘crack up at the creepy’?”
The Murcielago lifted slightly off the ground as it went into the follow through.
“I did not know they made a song about laughing at Captain Slow.”
Soon, the car went into Bacharach, the second-to-last corner, quickly turning into Gambon.
“And he’s crossed the finish line!”
The three men and the pony were standing beside the finish line, James stopping the watch as the Murcielago crossed the line.
“One minute, nineteen point five.” He said, reading off the result.
“Isn’t that faster than the last time we last time we had the Lamborghini on the track?” Hammond asked
“I believe so.”
“Okay Miss Dash, it’s your turn. Do you need to review the track layout or are you confident that you can remember it?” Hammond asked the pegasus.
"I coulda finished that before you finished talking about it," Rainbow Dash informed him, trotting over to the start line.
“On your mark!” James yelled, readying his stopwatch.
“Get set!” A labcoat wearing technician raised the flag up as Rainbow Dash opened up her wings, leaning forward.
“GO!” The tech dropped the flag as May started the watch.
Rainbow Dash took off, leaving only a gust of wind in her wake. The three hosts turned their heads as quick as they could to keep up with her takeoff.
“Oh cock.”
“That was pretty fast.”
“Told ya!” The pegasus said, sitting on the starting line. James, Jeremy and Richard turned to see her smiling. James, realizing she’d completed the track, quickly fumbled to stop the timer and read the time.
“Well? How’d I do?”
“Eight seconds.”
“What?!” Hammond and Clarkson both yelled.
“Well, that’s what I have on the watch, but since I wasn’t able to stop it in time, I’d say more like five seconds or so.”
“WOOHOO!” Dash cheered, jumping into the air and doing a few aerial tricks.
“I’m going to take a look at the slow motion.” Jeremy stated, making his way to the cameraman.
“Now that Clarkson has checked and rechecked the footage, had the cameramen triple check their equipment, and had a nice conversation-”
“I STILL SAY THAT WAS BOLLOCKS!” Jeremy yelled from outside the camera’s view
“- with the producers, it has been confirmed that Miss Dash completed our Top Gear Track in five point eight seconds.” Hammond said as he looked at the camera.
“Our next event...” He continued, visibly grimacing, “...is the quartermile drag race.”
Rainbow Dash was standing at the start line, looking over at the sports car. The Stig revved the engine, impatiently waiting for the technician to drop the flag to start the race.
A man in a lab coat walked onto the track, standing in front of the two competitors. He took the checkered flag and raised it up. The tension slowly filled the air, the Stig tightening his grip on his steering wheel. Rainbow Dash was strangely calm, humming a tune and smiling.
The flag dropped, the Murcielago pulling out in a cloud of smoke. As the smoke cleared, Rainbow Dash was still standing at the starting line, still smiling as she waved the smoke out of her face.
“What is she doing?” Jeremy asked, scratching the back of his head.
When the Stig had reached the halfway point, Rainbow Dash stretched her neck and wings, lazily taking to the air and speeding off, reaching the car quick and easily. The Stig briefly turned his head to see the pegasus, who waved before pulling ahead, crossing over the finish line a split second before the LP640 did.
Jeremy dropped his arm to his side before turning to his two cohosts.
“Right, gentlemen, I think it’s time we had a chat.”
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This is just my opinion, but if this were the ACTUAL Top Gear, the Boys would have Pulled out ALL The Stops to make sure the Car wins, meaning they would have gotten the Fastest car on their Power Lap Board to Race Rainbow Dash: a 2013 Ariel Atom V8 500 which posted at lap time of 1:15.1, or the Fastest Production Car IN THE WORLD: a 2013 Bugatti Veyron Super Sport; 1200HP, 267MPH top Speed, 2.5 second 0-60 time, and a Top Gear Power Lap Time of 1:16.8 (making it the 4th fastest car to lap the Top Gear Test Track)
1621249 Someone just had a nerd-gasm!
I don't normally read human crossover fanfics (with the exception of "My Little Dashie", you kind of have to read that.) but in this case I think I'll make an exception. Top Gear + Rainbow Dash... Well that just has to be epic.
They need a car that combines the JCB Diesel Max speed (guesstimated to be near 500 MPH if tires to handle it are ever designed), top fuel dragster acceleration (0 to 320 MPH in under 4 seconds), and Formula 1 handling (need I even describe that?) to even have a CHANCE at racing...
Well, you got me out of attempting to drown myself in my own saliva out of pure boredom to see if it was even possible with this story. Upthumb and fave.
Heh, got a chuckle out of me.
Stig's introduction was perfect.
“I’m the fastest thing alive!” the pony corrected him as James walked up to the two.
NOOOOOO NOO NOOOOO, NOPE, NOPE NOOOOOOPE. THAT'S IT I QUIT.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! VERY FUNNY!!!!
1733182
Get out
This story is just so good, I can absolutely see the show in my head! I mean, just reading their lines in their voices, it's amazing! One microscopic detail I noticed, in the beginning Hammond says something about, "zero to sixty two", instead of Zero, don't they typically say "Nought" or "Naught"?