• Published 15th Nov 2012
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Top Gear: The Pony Special - TheUziel



The Top Gear team invites Rainbow Dash to see which is better: Horsepower or Ponypower

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The Dyno

The camera cuts on to show James May, his hair messed up and his face sporting several small bandages and a serious face. In the background, Rainbow Dash was dancing as she was flying, the ground littered with debris and and cleaning crews at work.

“Due to the fact that Miss Dash broke several laws of physics, we can’t find our score cards. As such, I’m afraid we can’t give her a score.” he said.

“What!”

Rainbow Dash, true to her name, dashed into the foreground and looked James in the eyes.

“A zero?! That cloud was way more impressive than that Stick thing could do with his autowagon!”

“If you have a disagreement with the score the judges gave you, you’ll have to speak with Hammond to see about altering it.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s dead.”

“What? Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” she said, eyes wide, backing away out of James’ face.

“Sorry for what?” Hammond asked, limping onto the scene behind Rainbow Dash.

She turned around, confusion on her face.

“What the- but he just said- and you were- with- he said”

“What’d you say James?”

“He said you were dead!” Rainbow Dash answered.

“I got better.”

Without warning, the pegasus wrapped her forehooves around Hammond’s neck, giving him a tight hug, eliciting a yelp from the short man.

“Oh that’s tender!”


A small crater marks where the last event took place, and the air had a spicy flavor to it. Several people were helping pick up the trash, while several road construction vehicles and workers were starting to repair the damage done to the test track by Rainbow Dash. Elsewhere on the testing grounds, Jeremy stood before two machines, turning to see an approaching figure.

“I thought you were dead.” Jeremy said, looking at Richard as he walked up. The tall Brit was no more worse for the wear than the other two, sporting a bandaged nose and several small cuts.

“Contrary to popular belief, I’m not. Tell me you didn’t put out an open casting call to replace me just because I briefly joined the choir invisible.”

“Alright, I won’t tell you. What I will tell you is that in your absence, I’ve already set up the next event.”

“Which is?”

“I had to ask myself, ‘What does the Lamborghini have in spades that a pony doesn’t?’. It took some thought -”

“I don’t like that.”

“And then it hit me. Horsepower!”

Richard looked at his colleague, raising an eyebrow, “Exactly how long did it take for you to come up with that conclusion?”

“Hear me out and stand in awe of my genius. One mechanical horsepower is equal to some thirty-odd thousand feet-pounds per minute, correct? The Lamborghini has six hundred times that. A pony, being half that of a horse, should only have half of that. On top of that, while Rainbow Dash does have incredible speed on her side, she lacks strength.”

“What do you call the five metre wide crater she made?” Richard asked.

“Thus ensuring the Murcielago a point, bringing this competition to a tie. To test that, we’ll use the dynamometer.”

“The chassis dynamometer?”

“Yes.”

“The dynamometer that requires the tires to spin the rolling pin?”

“Yes.”

“Rolling pins that Miss Dash would obviously have trouble spinning of her own accord?”

“I’ve already taken that into account,” He said, turning to the other machine. This machine had a harness attached to several lengths of chain, which went into the machine itself. “This, is a dynamometer used to test the strength of athletes.”

“That looks quite expensive. Are we sure we want to strap Miss Dash to this?”

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Don’t say that!”


“Our score so far is two to one, with Miss Rainbow Dash in the lead. She has won both the timed lap, as well as the drag race, while the Stig has won Top Gear a point in drift smoke.” Hammond said, “We have both the Stig and Rainbow Dash set on their respective dynamometers. We have no worries about the Stig, but for safety’s sake, we pointed Miss Dash away from any buildings or equipment.”

He walked up Rainbow Dash, already in the harness. “Are you comfortable?”

“It’s a little tight, but nothing I can’t handle.”

“Good to hear. Now, when I sound the horn, you’re to go as fast as you can for a full minute. This harness, connected to that machine, will keep you in place and measure the strength of your pulling.”

She grinned, “Pff, easy! I’ve got the highest wingpower in Ponyville!”

Richard glanced at the camera, “...Right, because that makes about as much sense as anything else today.”

“Just tell me when to start.”

“At the sound of the horn.” He reminded her, walking away from the pegasus. He was handed another air horn, as he made his way to James and Richard, who stood not far from the dynamometers.

The time started with the sound of the horn, the Stig accelerating letting the drive wheels spin the rolling pins. Rainbow Dash started flapping her wings, pulling herself against the harness as hard as she could. The three hosts looked at the displays of the dynamometers.

“Well that doesn’t make much sense.” James said, looking intently at Rainbow Dash’s display.

Jeremy looked away from the Stig’s display to look at James, “What?”

James declined to answer, mulling over his own thoughts.

Rainbow Dash pulled harder and harder on her harness, feeling it cut into her skin as she strained against it, her wings becoming a blur and the flapping a buzzing, drowning out the roar of the engine nearby. Sweat started to bead on her forehead.

Soon, the minute was up, and Richard blew the air horn once more to mark the end.

“Yeah, who’s bad? I’m bad!” Rainbow Dashed said, slowing down and landing, looking around while the technicians helped get her out of the harness. “Hey, careful with the wings buddy.”

She flew over to the three hosts, smiling triumphantly, “So? How’d I do?”

“You did exceptionally well, Miss Dash,” Jeremy said, “I think it’s fair to say that you surprised everyone here with your prowess. And without injuring anyone in the process.”

“Yeah, yeah. But what about the numbers? How many of these horse-thingies did I get?”

Jeremy smiled, “You topped out at four horsepower.”

“Yeah! I beat that autowagon! And I’m four times more awesome and powerful than some lame horse!”

Richard cleared his throat, pointing at the Stig’s display.

“What?” She turned to look, to see that the tame racing driver had clearly beaten her, having topped out at six hundred and thirty horsepower. She quickly turned back, glaring at Hammond.

“If you have any disputes with the results, you need to speak with Richard here.” Jeremy said, pointing at the man.

“What? Me!?” Richard asked.

“We still need to have a talk about the last event too.” Rainbow Dash said angrily.

The short man gulped, “I don’t like that.”


James and Jeremy stood, deep in thought while staring off into space. Yelling could be heard in the background, one forceful and accusatory and the other panicked and scared. The source of the yells dashed across the background, Richard Hammond running away from a dive bombing Rainbow Dash.

“She topped out at four horsepower, and held it around that range consistently, which is mind boggling to say to the least,” Jeremy said, looking to his cohost, “But what’s inconsistent is that this in no way explains that blast crater over there, nor her ability to survive that without a scratch.”

Clarkson nodded absently, still absorbed in his own thoughts.

“ And I would still like to know how she made the blast wave and cloud rainbow colored.” James continued.

Jeremy shrugged, “Magic? Their Princess did teleport and stand right in front of our Producers.”

“But she’s an Alicorn, not a Pegasus. I understand the Pegasi have some innate magic, but I highly doubt it covers,” James jerked a thumb in towards the crater, “that.”

Clarkson abruptly clasps his hands together, “I’ve got it.”

“What?”

“Role reversal.”

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