The Summer Sun texts say, “Her Royal Highness and Empress of the Daylit Skies and Eternal Sun, Princess Celestia, rises each day in the pre-dawn hours to perform the sacred duty which warms and sustains all Equestria.”
No, I don’t. If I’m awake in the pre-dawn hours then the Apocalypse had better be here and it had feathering well better have reservations. I rise right at dawn and not a bloody second before. If there isn’t a steaming hot mug of Jamareican Blend coffee (double strong, double sweet) waiting for me then the Most Holy sun can frelling hang. Waking me before I’m good and ready is not conducive to a long and happy life.
The moon is still up. It’s dark outside. The sun is still lounging happily below the horizon, and I am far, far too awake. Something or somepony made me ‘rise in the pre-dawn hours’ and they’re going to pay.
“Guards,” I call in my most serene voice to the two fine stallions posted outside my door, “did either of you hear a loud noise just now? A clattering or squeaking, maybe?”
The two gentlecolts snap smartly to attention. One of them pipes up quickly. “Yes, Princess! There was a disturbance in the general direction of the Royal Observatory.”
“Can you describe it?”
The first guard continues, “Yes, Princess. It was like a metal-on-metal scraping, followed by a loud crash.” The second guard clears his throat and adds, “Maybe like a… a banging sound, Ma’am.”
I smile with only the smallest twitch in my beatific eye. “And why are you not investigating this disturbance with all due speed?”
The two fine fellows exchange worried glances. “We’re under orders not to leave this post under any circumstances unless ordered by the Guard Captain or by yourself, Princess. New standing rules since the Changeling invasion, Ma’am.”
I nod. “Very well, then. I shall return shortly.”
Out of sight of the guards my scowl returns with holy vengeance. I have not yet had my coffee and here I am, stalking the halls of my own castle, looking for the source of some mystery squeak which apparently the guards are forbidden to look into and the castle repair staff have conveniently overlooked. I am definitely going to smite somepony for this.
Down the halls I trot, hooves clip-clopping across stone, tile, carpet, and polished hardwood, each hoofbeat inspiring another method with which I could punish the heinous evildoer who woke me, and who had the gall to do so before my coffee arrived. My current favorite: Griffon bait.
I know the path to the Observatory like the back of my hoof, including the shortcuts, secret entrances, and scenic routes. Of course I could simply teleport there, but sadly it’s still early and thinking straight will have to wait for the dawn, which I have no intention of bringing until somepony can tell me what in Tartarus that sound was. Through disused passages I squeeze, and considering how long it’s been since I used some of these shortcuts, squeeze is the operative word. Note to self: keep the caffeine coming but lay off the coffee cake.
So here I am, appearing at the Observatory doors from behind some ancient and abysmally musty tapestry, which I note is highly inaccurate in its depiction of my victory over the Hippogriff legions, which involved far fewer spears and far more games of blackjack. I’m getting distracted again – where am I? Oh, yes, scaring the armor right off of the two Lunar Guards in front of whom I just appeared. Might as well have teleported after all, I guess.
“My good fellows! Sorry to have disturbed you,” no I’m not, “but did you hear a loud clanging, scraping noise? Maybe a banging sound?”
The two wide-eyed Lunar Guards are still panting and shaking from my sudden appearance, from my admittedly unusual question, and from the fact that I almost never have cause to interact with the Lunar Guards at all. They’re Luna’s personal retinue, true (do they count as an entourage?), so technically they don’t answer to me. Technically, they will answer, if they know what’s good for them.
One of them finally catches his breath and stammers out a reply. “N… No, P… Princess. Nothing at all.” The other joins him in not replying in the slightest. “Nope, not a thing. Completely silent. All night.”
I smile, quietly. The three of us stand there, smiling, quietly. I am immortal and as such I can do this eternally if necessary. These two Loonies are not. It’s amazing how quickly a pony’s resolve will crack when faced with a happily smiling ageless alicorn Diarch.
“Well… There was one small noise. A minor tinkle. Just a thump. Or a bump. Maybe a crash, or possibly a deafening smash. Yep, definitely something huge smashing and shattering to bits. Ma’am. Princess.” The Lunar Guards are so cute in their bat-wing armor and their bat-mane helmets, especially when they’re about to wet themselves. Without a word from me, they exchange glances and step aside.
I ease the great golden Royal Observatory doors open and I’m horrified. No, there’s no blood or scene of horror, no invading horde camped out in the Observatory. There is, however, the largest telescope in Equestria, now pointed unceremoniously toward the floor, its primary lens a wreck of glass shards. That’ll cost a fortune to replace – how large a fortune it is, I’m not sure, because it’s a sum I am not prepared to calculate without coffee. The main tube, formerly a polished masterpiece of engineering, is now scraped and bent as well, possibly thanks to the purple and indigo hooves wrapped around it.
Hooves?
I clear my throat. “Luna, Twilight, you can come out now. May I ask what you are doing clutching onto what was formerly the largest working telescope in Equestria?”
Two ponies scramble from behind the other side of the telescope, their manes a tangled mess. Twilight appears to be wearing at least half of Luna’s ceremonial platinum armor. The other half is nowhere in sight. They hem and haw and mumble and blush like there's no tomorrow.
“Sister, we were just – ”
“Observing! We were checking the angle of – ”
“And measuring the declination of a certain, ah – ”
“Planetary body, which we, um – ”
I’d blast them if they weren’t so annoyingly adorable.
I grin the grin of happy, joyous future blackmail. “You two have an hour to finish checking the angle of each other's planetary bodies. Enjoy yourselves, kids.”
I lock the great golden Observatory doors behind me and head for the Royal kitchens. It’s almost time to raise the Sun, and this’ll take a months’ supply of Jamareican Blend to unsee.
Observing stars? Yeah, sure... ;)
lmfao...
I knew it was going to be something like that. I liked your depiction of Celestia as well.
so many lawls.....
Sometimes is just so funny.
....wait... Celestia drinks same brand of coffee the same way I do
Your Celestia is best Celestia. This is awesome.
Although, isn't it a Voyager reference?
1857232 I'm certain they were observing the stars.
The real question here, though, is what stars were they observing?
I think my favorite part of this story are scenes like this, mainly dealing with shenanigans after the relationship has been ongoing. It's probably because most ship fics are about the beginnings of the relationship. Anyway, this is great and I would like to see more of it.
each other's planetary bodies
so many its Perfect!
Twilight was observing the moon, and Luna observing stars.
...If you catch my drift
And then, they had more "star-gazing"!
You earn a free
Wait, didn't Celestia want Twilight? That's gotta hurt to walk in on...
Frell, huh? Ah do eva' so prefer to not think 'bout that show.
1857349 X'''D
haha, that was awesome!
Observing stars and moons are one thing, BREAKING the telescope is another.
Good thing they worked on the Royal Canterlot Voice BEFORE Luna started using a, echem, Royal Bedroom Voice...
A screamer is one thing to deal with, but it's the sort of noise that passes sexy and goes into-
Breaking glass territory.
Well, shit.
yup.... you deffinatly made my day dude^^ thank you very much for this^^ I'd fav it again if I could^^
The Star Trek: DS9 reference is a FAKE!
1857457
I think she thinks of Twi as more off a surrogate daughter. So that's gonna hurt to see, but for an entirely different reason. And Canterlot's supply of Brain Bleach (tm) has run out.
I died.
You used first person quite well here. I liked getting a mind's-eye view of a vengeful, caffeine-deprived, immortal and all-powerful goddess. For a bit, however, you seemed to be writing stream of conscious-like, which I don't know if you were going for.
Also, I died when you described Twilight wearing part of Luna's armor.
Nevertheless, a very good update.
yes
have all of my yes
it is my gift to you
I guess you could say Twilight was...
'puts on sunglasses.'
star struck with embarrassment!
Yeahhh!
Canterlot Castle Observatory antique telescope- 1,000,000,000 Bits
Having sex with the Lunar Goddess- Priceless
Getting caught by a sleep deprived Solar Goddes after breaking said telescope while having sex with said Lunar Goddess- Infinitely inmesurable
Ah. So Luna and Twilight are the sort of ladies who like to do it in unusual places; expensive, fragile and hard-to-replace/repair places.
If I were Celestia, I'd tell the MInister of the Treasury to increase the castle's maintenance budget. An order of magnitude might be just sufficient.
1857349
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This is, quite possibly, the greatest chapter ever written about Celestia. Dear GOD, this is possibly the greatest chapter ever written in the history of fimfiction. I would link slow clap, but I can't seem to find the picture. Bravo, bravo.
I laughed so hard.
1858000 Awe, you!
I'm just not catching the DS9 reference. Perhaps it's been too long since I've watched the show...
Celestia likes her coffee the same way O'Brien does.
I did not catch the DS9 reference, as I haven't seen past the first season... But I did notice you're a Farscape fan. After Celestia said that word, I started reading her inner monologue in Claudia Black's voice.
Ohhhh Tartarus yes! Now this is a Celestia I can get behind... far behind... just enough to see when she acts upon that Griffion bait urge.
Well done sir.
buhahahahahahhaha this chapter is hilarous,
Loved it. Can't wait for more.
Man, I love your portrayal of Celestia! Please tell me you're planning a shipfic with Celestia and somepony, and doing it entirely in Celestia's first person? Please? That was glorious.
1906567 Seconded. The way she saw other ponies as cute was cute.
Dear God, why is everything you write absolutely perfect, pure gold?
Honestly, I had to stop reading this multiple times just to get the ridiculous giggles out.
You just keep being you, because no one else does it better.
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My god, it's full of
i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv274/tfg101/Nemesis_STARS.jpg
1878175
Close enough .to See the Smiting, Far back enough to avoid being next? Sounds like a fantastic plan.
Hah! Wonderful! I was grinning the whole way through!
Maybe she should through a couple dozen ounces of Captain Mo's or something into that coffee. That might help.
... You're a Farscape fan too? Drat, and here I was thinking I was the ONLY one who had Luna and Celestia curse with Farscape terminology! XD (Unless that was also in DS9. Never watched that one growing up. Only NG and Voyager...)
2094647 Yea, I've loved everything I've read of this story so far but I was grinning ear to ear when I read that.
Celestia the coffee addict? ALL OF MY YES!
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What the balls does "double strong, double sweet" even bloody mean? It was all well and cute when Colm Meaney said it, but it seems almost completely nonsensical.
2494266
I'm thinking roughly twice as much coffee as that amount of water is supposed to make, with twice the amount of sweetener the replicator uses when someone orders it 'sweet'.
P.S. Is it a good thing, or a bad thing that nopony's tried to create The Black Blood of Equestria?
You'r very talented in writing nervous comedy, and demonising on of the most light-hearted and caring characters in the show. Bravo
Best Chapter Eva! I could not stop laughing! actually I Still Can't!
That just made my night.
Celestial. You'll need more Han coffee to forget that.