Long ago, there was a magical kingdom known as "Equestria." It was ruled by two noble princesses, one to raise the sun and one to raise the moon. But long before that, there were many queens and kings: mortals sitting upon the throne. And in their empire, there lay a small griffon village where two ponies shivered in the cold, alone.
Unaware how far their road was.
This is the story of the princesses, and their lost kingdom.
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I would be happy to edit for you; your story has promise.
I just ask one condition: will you edit mine? Please?
Email me at sir0duke@gmail.com if you are interested.
Not bad... not bad at all. I think I'm going to watch this one.
Thank you very much.
I believe this is one of my first fics that hasn't sucked... badly.
Judging by the first chapter, it's going to be an utterly brilliant story, you have a knack for describing things clearly and effectively. I can't really see anything wrong with this so far. Keep up the good work!
Spot the three recurring characters that have been introduced. (Hint: they are all next to each other) 9_9
Also it's short. It does what I need it to, show a bit of Everfree, and get Shar and Li chosen.
But what's with the queen? She seems odd. And what about that very obviously suspicious servant?
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You don't have to judge yourself. (That's what jerks like me are for.)
Your description says you have an editor, but do you want another? I could pick up any mistakes that he misses.
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He he, I actually kinda don't have one anymore. So that would be wonderful.
186179
Yay!
Send your next chapter to mister8man@gmail.com when you are ready.
Tower made of air?
So... COOL! 
This queen... She kinda creeps me out.
205883
Don't ask how. I'm not exactly sure.
205929
She normally causes unease. A report from the Everfree barracks show the list of bets on what she is. A lot of money is on evil enchantress. Other notable ideas are: Foal fooler, Griffon in disguise, Phoenix, and a living pile of oatmeal. A certain Scarlet was trying to bet on Chessmaster but he is banned from pretty much all pools.
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I think that the truth is far more scarier. I think that the queen is... an ordinary pony mare but really experienced one.
Problem I have here is that your narration is way too casual for a third person fic. For me, personally, it makes it so I can't enjoy this. Also, fic is littered with grammar errors and purple prose.
Nice concept you have, though.
298387
The purple prose is something I have trouble with in my everyday speaking. Seriously. Grammar errors are a problem I will admit to.
The casual manner I do have an explanation for (though it still is annoying I guess. It's an excuse.): The writer is not a writer. She is a workpony and only happened to find the scrolls. She translated it to modern Equestrian, confirmed the information and wanted to distribute it. (It's an excuse. I know.)
298416
It's a bit of a gimmick, and it's not enough to make this story, well, presentable.
But I'll give you this - It's much better than my first fic was!
-
Erm, edit thingy!
A good bit of advice is to have both you and your editors read the story out loud. Note that your readers don't read with the flow you do because they don't know first hand what it's supposed to sound like. Sounding your words out will give you that feeling of ignorance to the story's flow, and you can point out errors much more swiftly.
298425
Everybody has told me that and I and my editors have been using it. I trust my editors to catch at least most mistakes but frankly this hasn't worked. I need someone who specifically is good at catching awkwardness.
And yes, it's an excuse and no more.
This is my third fic BTW. This is the first fic I will call presentable.
Ohai!
Umm...
Yeah...
I had to rewrite this entire thing four times.
Still errors and blah-ness everywhere probably.
I'm halfway done with the next update. So... no third-year wait.
It will be a tie to the present, getting Twilight involved in the document.
It will be short.
I promise.
Intriguing, Shahar and Livana are re-incarnations of Celestia and Luna who are dead? Hestia obviously noticed this... I'm still so confused. Nice to see this updated though, good work! Also, something tells me (call it a sixth sense) that the air tower may become a running gag, it just has too much potential to throw away! Like maybe it collapses at one point? Or maybe it vanishes! Into thin air! Huh, Huh?
Chapter notes:
Keeping this part short. I will note that this will be the ONLY time in this story it will happen. I decided now would be a good time to insert a tie to the present, which will be vital later. How much later? Much. Don't worry, I'm not going to be doing a future/past switching thing like a bunch of fics have.
This also establishes this as a HISTORICAL DOCUMENT, further confusing matters.
I feel I must add a note about Sunset. Yes, she is the mare in my avatar. No, she is not a self insert. Thank Shahar, too. That would reflect very poorly on me.
Julius says "Okay" at the beginning of two adjacent sentences, which just SCREAMS at me. Otherwise, it says "a eight-pronged sun," and there are a few other minor mistakes, but nothing that stands out too badly. Good job.
I can't help but squee a little every time Star theory is mentioned
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Argh I knew that would slip past me eventually. Trying to diversify words.
Well since you created it, duh.
Author's Notes:
I really just wanted to end this day. Four chapters and we were still in the day Shahar and Livana arrived. I didn't want to have to go for a fifth.
Hasty? Maybe. I probably will have to clean this up. Let me know.
Oh and I say "The caer of Everfree" It's a welsh word for castle. I'm running out of words for palace.
(And yes, I know that "Caer" is more apt to describe the guard town. Bite me and spit me out.)
Noodle house. Don't ask why we call it that...
Did you just drop a Noodle Incident? If so bravo, good sir!
Is Spitfire Philomena's alter ego? Because when I heard "Yellow pegasus with a firey mane," that was the first thing to come to mind.
Let me clear this up.
This is set in the past.
Shahar and Livana are Celestia and Luna from the show.
The question is, who the hell are the other Celestia and Luna and how do they fit in?
I hope it's obvious by now, but I muddied the issue too well. I kinda hoped the interlude would have placed the creation of the book in show's time, and Sunset clearly stated "It's about the princesses."
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No...
... That isn't much of a spoiler. But you are right to make an association.
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Well, I was told never to bring it up again.
Hi guys. I know this was promised a bit ago, but stuff came up and inspiration struck elsewhere. So this is only part 1 of this chapter, whoops.
I got future chapter parts done though!
Author's notes:
The exposition chapter. And the names chapter. I swear, how many things did I give names to this chapter? And how many did I have to look up for meanings?
And how many times did I re-order that chess game so it would make sense?
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2c2795FJ31qdawlio1_500.gif
That's all I could think of. Okay, back to reading the chapter.
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Has nopony made that joke yet? Huh.
1414284 Nope. Not that I could see. So I made it. Amazing nobody did one yet either. Good chapter BTW! At first it was slightly confusing though to me at least to tell who's Luna and who's Celestia, but I figured it out eventually. If this story holds up, I just might make it part of my head canon.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbgjomnoqL1risusro1_500.jpg
I take it that's Pinkie Pie's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather?
So apparently Luna and Celestia are reincarnated....okay then...
1414356
One of my less than subtle references.
Add a few more greats and you would find yourself there, yes. Though ancestry only matters in two cases, and this is one of those "why not" moments and not really related to the story.
So basically, he's a scarlet herring.
856682 I don't mind. I kinda liked it.
There should be another present-day chapter soon. I'd be interested to know more about how Twilight feels about keeping this secret from Celestia.
AKA: I can't think up a chapter title.
Author's notes:
A really really really bad joke is hidden in the depths here, and I'll just go ahead and give you the missing information you need to want to hit me: Cinna is the ancestor to a certain cello-playing mare named Octavia. Proceed punching me if you get it.
So Marcus, Celos, and Spire oh my! Marcus was going to be Luz's name, but I changed it for the better. Spire was a literal last-minute name choice. I had most of the thing written but I needed an apple name and appearance to fit her personality. So I jumped on Wikipedia and finally came up with a perfect apple type: the Golden Spire. I looked up pictures but thought the colors Wikipedia gave for the apple to be the most appealing. It looks tasty.
I swear to Solla, the net chapter will not only be shorter and come out quicker, but it will be better paced because this is a horribly-paced cluster I just threw out. Also: ACTION. The only thing this story has lacked.
Alae aquilae = eagle's wings. I'm trying to find as much symbolism and/or foreshadowing in that and the surrounding statements as I can. No luck so far, but I will weed it out.
1510150 This story has lacked a lot more than action. There's no "Mature" rating, for one thing.
Edit: Can't find the Octavia joke...
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No comment on statement one. If I could obfuscate it from you to the point where you have to think to weed it out, I'm going to run with it like high hell.
Yet... okay at most this thing will get a T rating.
You haven't read the source. You told me. But you did watch the movie...
1510483 Isaiah 40? "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
... I have to tell you that I'm surprisingly slow. I'm good at hiding references, but not as good at catching them unless they're pointed out to me. It just doesn't really click.
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Close. That's the title source, not what Spire quotes. What she quotes references the title which in turn references that, but what she quotes will have to be taken apart from context, since it is an in-story referece.
In other words: I just made you guys have to wait AGAIN for an annoying plot point no one cares about.
1510540 Ah.
Also, I have noticed that, what with Julius and Caius (an alternate spelling of Gaius) and Cinna and Marcus, you seem to be choosing a lot of names that have to do with Julius Caesar. Is this intentional?
1510606
I noticed this too :p
Caius was a just off-the-head name. Cinna references... what he references... which in turn references the roman name (Though, seriously. Search the name with Google and you will figure it out.) Julius was the first name I thought of when I wanted a roman commander. Marcus is a play on his talent as a marksstallion.
But when you see a stallion named "Brutus" show up, I will have officially just started copying names. Let's hope I don't get there.
1510633 A part of me was hoping it wasn't taken from The Hunger Games... though I'm not sure why :/
There's also the fact that Cinna is the ancestor of Octavia, which is close to Octavian, i.e. Caesar Augustus
1510647 Apparently, all my stock roman names are from JC. Of course, you have the occasional Jane and Celos in the mix where I thought "You know what? Not everything has to be roman."
1510665 Asgard, left to his own devices, would have used a Latin name for everything in DT. Anything that wasn't Latin came from either my mind or my insistence and his knowledge of other languages.
Yes, I'm giving Luna her new "modern" speech a bit early.
After this, Act II starts. I don't mean for it to be "dark and edgy," but there is going to be a few spots that EARN that "Teen" rating.
Also, I really hate the in-story authors notes. If you couldn't tell.
When you dislike something enough, you become that something. Or maybe your personality is truly revealed when things crumble about you, and you were always that something you hated.
Satire, laughing at, not with.
Brotherhood, a begrudging but unbreakable loyalty.
Ease, generosity for your own sake.
Servanthood, blind kindness to only one.
Brutality, honesty used against someone.
Love, something that can withstand someone's flaws for what their good intentions are, a powerful, dangerous magic.
What? No, this isn't a plot spoiler. I have this plastered on my DA as the title card for WWAE. It's just my mindset. I doubt I'll even bring it up.
You know those jerks who pander to one person like they are God but become jerks the second that person leaves the room?
I don't get them. I can't even wrap my head around a motive. I'm normally good with that, but I can't for this type of person.
Parodying the way people view the elements of harmony may not have been a great idea in retrospect.