• Member Since 26th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Guardsmare Sade


T

The flight didn't go anything like she was hoping! Spitfire now has to live with her negligence and be bound to the ground, with a possibility of more complications that she wish she'd seen coming. She is now though, trying to keep an open mind, but with Vinyl there every step of the way, Spitfire isn't sure if it'll be easy, or mind breakingly hard. There might even be a little heat in the cold winter air! Only time will tell.

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 108 )

Third and final comment! Moar!

Before I dive into this, a quick correction in the description

> Blyss
It should be Bliss. (Sorry, Its just that you should never-ever-ever have an error in the description.)

104057
Darn...beat me to it..

I will read this :pinkiesmile:

You say "Spitfire" too much, try a she or her. The reader would still know its Spitfire and it just flows much easier. Also, once again, Bliss not Blyss. I'm not an expert so that's about all I can filter in the first chapter.

Eh pretty good fict keep it up

Aaaaaannnddddd some more corrections! Some small stuff- Stir, not Stirr and Breakfast not brekfast. A few capitalization errors.

"the unamused pony grumbled to herself as the started to push her body up from the warmth of her bed." - As the started to push? Try something like- As she started to push

I only did a quick skim of the story, so I'm certain that I missed plenty of things. Watch out for I's because I found that it was about 50/50 of capitalized and not capitalized. Also... Please take it slow. It feel ridiculously rushed, and the only real way to fix that is to not rush at all.

I'll give it a 3/5 for now and track to see how well it all goes!

Alright, this is actually my first time posting anything here, but I just wanted to thank anyone for criticisms with the story, be and another bloke will be sure that anything you say gets to him, he might also be away today so i don't imagine much in the way of corrections and work will be done today. So if anyone would like to make any suggestions or anything that could help streamline it a bit, i'll nag him about it, keep in mind this is his first fic, and he won't catch every mistake that goes through, we're wishing him the best, any again, anything you need to say, strike it up with us, sure my other mate will make himself known in a minute.:trixieshiftleft:

hello, I happen to be the other pony who is assisting with the story and don't worry, we are getting around to spell checking it with the author but unfortunately he may be away today. Also don't forget what he has written so far was in a night. Thank you for your assistance in spelling corrections and support, it really means a lot to us.

104100 Yeah, i'll apologise on behalf of him for the spelling errors, i'll tell him to spellcheck with us before publishing in future. Also, if my lazy eye misses something in a spellchecked chapter give me a hounding, and we'll bark at the author, thanks.

First off, I'd like to state that this has a LOT of potential to be a great story, as does your writing.
However, there are a lot of errors here. Capitalization, spelling, and quite a few grammatical errors. I highly suggest getting a proofreader or two, and reading it over a few times before publishing it.
The story line is rushed a lot, too. Remember to take your time with the story.
Another thing that bothered me: Italics are your friend! Use them for character thoughts and putting emphasis on words.
The main thing though that needs work is the grammar and spelling. Seriously, have someone go over it and read it over yourself a few times, you can never be too sure!
Tracking this story. I really hope to see an improvement, since I see so much potential in your writing.

excellent so far, but the spelling is atrocious...

104255 You'd be shocked at how much I hound him for spelling, :rainbowdetermined2:

Never really thought about this couple but I think it will be a good one.
Nice job Vinyl :pinkiesmile:.

hit the deck we got incoming grammer nazi at 1oclock high

Im sorry to everyone about the horrible spelling. I did write this at 4 in the morning and stopped at 7. Thank you all for the comments and the critizism, I'll take it all into account and will work hard to fix it up to be the best i can do. Now this is my first Fimfic and I do admit that it is a little rushed, but i hope you will all bare with me for the time that it takes me to fix everything up. Thank you again for everything. i do indeed look forward to writing more for you. But seing as i began to rush in the second chapter i will start to slow it down a bit. A chapter maybe every two or three days.:scootangel:

Spitfire... :trollestia: such a jokester! :rainbowkiss:

spitfire is professional troll

Grammar and spelling made a huge improvement, and I'm really starting to enjoy this. You're making a lot of progress from the last few chapters. Still a few mistakes, however. :twilightblush:
Another thing, for dialogue, every new speaking character has to start a new paragraph. for example, how you have it:

"Oh wow, how long was I out? How long were we cleaning, and why do I have to buy the drinks?" Vinyl looked at her, "let’s see, answer to question one: Hours. Answer to question two: Hours, me longer than you. Answer to the third question: Because I'm between pays at the moment."


Fixed version:

"Oh wow, how long was I out? How long were we cleaning, and why do I have to buy the drinks?"

Vinyl looked at her, "let’s see, answer to question one: Hours. Answer to question two: Hours, me longer than you. Answer to the third question: Because I'm between pays at the moment."

Another thing, use indents! They are your friend! The formatting needs a lot of work.

Sorry for being so...skeptical in my comments. I'm really just trying to help. :scootangel:
I shall look forward to your next update.

Finally getting around to reading this - like I said I would Like, what? Around a few days ago? Sorry for that by the way... Regardless, this was pretty good so far. The descriptions were pretty nice in the beginning and with the description of flight. My only major gripe would have to be the ending, Spitfire crashed through trees and a roof and when she collided with the floor she just, looked around, took in the view? I would imagine shock would set in, not calmness - let alone a giggle - that or she would outright slip into unconsiousness. That's pretty much it though, besides he capitilization errors there as well, the rest was nice overall (I'm sorry, I would write more, but - pardon my language - Ipods are a bitch to use in these situations... Sorry again)

Okay, next chapter down, man I feel accomplished! Serioualy though, I miss my computer right now, Ipods aren't cut out for this I tell yah. Anyways, this chapter was pretty good, same as the last, but it just felt off - the whole situation seemed so down played. Now I realize you are probably doing this in the view of a 'Vinyl care free attitude' but still, she was flying at breakneck speeds, whipped through countless trees and smashed hrough a roof, a ROOF. Yet you have this mildly concerned Vinyl and a not in the slightest phased Spitfire. It's not that it isn't good, the situation just doesn't seem to fit the way they are acting. You have potential with this, you really do, but just watch for were it is alright to joke and when seriousness should be employed. This scene in particular, you built it up so much that the reaction should be just as large, but the two played it out as nothing. [Concerning all that are writing this and those helping - you made yourself known - I have a question. I would love to point out things that could be fixed, but how would you rather me do it, through the comments or in a PM of sorts? I plan on doing it when I get back to my computer anyways - Curse this handheld contraption!]

Hmm, same dilema here again - sorry if I sound like a broken record, I sure feel like one - Spitfire can't use her wings... And she goes on to clean up the mess she caused when she almost DIED? [Sorry for the caps by the way, I'm using it in the place of italics currently, seeing as I can't use them...]. Don't you think Spitfire should be at least a little more concerned with not being able to use her wings? It's only a huge part of her job amd life in general, so I think she should be at the very least a little worried by this

[Oh hey! I learned how to enter down on an Ipod! Yesss...]. Anyway, I also go along with Ozzeh up there, take his advice and modesty. I may seem to be a little rude, and if I am, I am sorry. I am only trying to help out, and my messages don't always convey what I'm feeling.

Sorry again if I came off as rude ^^;

111822 I see your point. But the thing is that she doesn't know that her wings are totaly gone at the moment. All she knows is that they aren't working. At the moment she just thinks that they are cramping up. I will lead up to the point later in the story. About her cleaning up after she almost died, thats me adding a 'tough it out' persona to her.

I thought you mentioned in an earlier chapter that Spitfire's wings were gone. Wouldn't Twilight point that out when Vinyl referred to Spitfire as a pegasus?

"Spitty"?... :facehoof: Someone is definitively gonna comment on that :rainbowlaugh:
-Glassed

119957You speak as though they are missing? It's not that they are gone, it's more like that they aren't working. Thank you for your concern:pinkiehappy:

CONVERSATION, I MUST JOIN. The spelling of this chapter is absolutely terrible, your proofreader must be a foal. :trixieshiftright:

120703 Says the proof reader himself..... :trixieshiftright:

120614 Ok, I was just wondering due to you mentioning something last chapter.

"But the thing is that she doesn't know that her wings are totaly gone at the moment. All she knows is that they aren't working."

120983 lol I see the problem now, i see how it looks. Cheers for pointing that out :twilightblush:

Liking this story more and more as the chapters continue

Aw. I thought she was gonna spit fire. *Ducks and runs*

124118
AWWWWWWWWW YYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
Never knew Sithis had a sense of humor~ all the more of a reason to represent the dark brohood :trollestia:

124549 Even the Void can get bored. Not much to do except not exist.

lmao! DEATH HUG! >:O

:rainbowlaugh: Great read. Can't wait for new chapter.

I have a slight suspicion that Skitz is somehow related to Pinkie... :rainbowlaugh:
Actually, somehow this story is starting to remind me of Allegrezza in some aspects...
-Glassed

128186 lol, I Loved Allegrezza. it was brilliant! Thanks for reading :twilightsmile:

Nice read.
But that skitz :rainbowlaugh: ... what happened when she disappeared.
oh well I'll wait to read. Nice ending to the chapter to.
Kinda wishing I kept a ending like that on one of my chapters.

128383 Cheers for reading. Skitz is going to be a character that pops in and out throughout the entire story. Her background and history will all be explored in chapters to come. :pinkiehappy:

(also, it makes me really happy to see people who have posted on earlier and later chapters. It means alot to me to see that people are actualy sticking with my story.) Thank you.

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