- Member Since 15th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen Oct 5th, 2012
lRainbowDashl
I'm a film director and game developer attempting to write. I have lots of learning problems, so go easy on me. Some of my stories are edited by Shadow Blaze, some aren't.
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That was pretty good, I might read it if you make a second part, but fix the grammar errors or get a pre-reader. You brought a lot with the action scenes, I thought you were grim-darking on me for a moment with the snapped wings but thankfully you didn't go that route. You earn a favorite from me sir, keep on truckin'
One of the best FiM fics I read until now.
to me it seemed that rainbow was to easy on the wonder bolt apology. i loved the story and feel the writing was good just a few quirks but really it was the ending for the first chapter i feel that rainbow should have said something along the lines of don't try to bribe me but i still like your ending.
102005 Well it took a lot of considering but i guessed you know Rainbow whenever anything Wonderbolt related comes into play she kind of loses it so i guessed she would of just done another OHMYGOSH moments.
I second chapter would be nice, but I feel the same as Muno Say that she got other it to quickly just by seeing the wonderbolts. Surely her seeing them would just bring up bad feelings (That's what I thought anyway). Puncuation is fine, I can't find anything wrong with it, although the story seems slightly rushed.
The part where her wings get broken isn't very descriptive, i.e you could try to describe the pain shes in, instead of her just stating that they are "unbelievably painful".
The bit with Gilda seemed a bit strange to me, why was she there?
Other than that, I thought the story was very good and I look forward to reading your other works.
107995 I agree the wing part was Meh maybe i will fix that the Gilda part i added in because if I'm going to do a part 2 i plan on getting her included more, now that i think of it the bad memories thing could be incorporated in part 2 maybe i could have a paragraph or two of Rainbow lying in bed having nightmares of her inability to fly and her dream to join the wonderbolts being crushed. what do you think? its an idea i guess lol
Sounds good, I look forward to part 2 (If it happens)
Second chapter?
I say
GO FOR IT
Could have been better, but great effort nonetheless.