Scootaloo and Dash Chronicles

This is a retake of what I did earlier. It was to much of a crossover, so I'm posting the first chapter and the new ones here. Enjoy.

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Comments ( 5 )

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Some Person

Some Person #1 · Nov 29th, 2011 · · ·

Ok, uh, let's get right to it. This needs work, big time.

First off, you need to make a new paragraph when a different character speaks. This way we have a better idea of who's talking.

Secondly, it's as if punctuation does not exist in this story. There are literally only four commas present when there should be a LOT more (especially in a story that's almost two thousand words). Also, periods, learn to use them. You should go through this again and see where you need to place punctuation, because this looks like a complete mess.

Next, know and fully understand the difference between their, they're, and there. Their is used for possession terms and such (their volleyball, their car). There is used for a location (I placed the wallet on the table over there). They're is a contraction for they are; although you didn't use this term in your story, I can safely assume that I should point this out.

Also, quotation marks. Be very careful of where you place them. If you place them in the improper position, it will make other sentences look like they're dialogue.

Speaking of quotation marks, let's move onto punctuating dialogue. You need to understand how to do this properly. Please direct your attention to this copy-paste: Remember, a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Refer to these examples:
“Screw clopfics.” He gulped the whiskey down.
“I hope one day you get this right,” the reviewer moaned.
“I don't know why so many get it wrong,” he whined, “it's not that hard!”
“Why do so many make this mistake?” he mused.
“I can't wait until the next time I don't have to deal with this!” he shouted.
Vimbert whispered, “Someone else, write a fic where I don't have to use this copypaste.”

Now, the plot. It was incredibly confusing for me. First off, you mention that this takes place after your old story. However, you should at least give some mention to the previous story's events. This way, other readers can see this and get up to speed. That, or at least make it obvious in your title that this is a sequel to another story. I just presumed this was a standalone concept, but now I see that I'll have to wade through ten chapters of a different story if I want to understand what's going on.

Another thing, Rainbow Dash is Scootaloo's mom? I can understand this being fanfiction, but at least try to keep some things canon. That kind of concept makes no sense. Granted, this might be a concept explained in your earlier story, but still...

So yes, this needs a massive redo. I would go easier on you, but since you have a story with ten chapters released, there's very little room for an excuse. Get. A. Proofreader. People have suggested you get one, even offered to be one for you; yet you choose to keep writing, not taking any time to see where you can improve your writing skills. It can make an incredible difference if you have someone sit down and read over your story, giving you pointers and correcting issues before submitting chapters to this (or any other) site.

Ok, enough of my ramble, get to work.

FeatherfurWolf