Chapter 1

Scoots and Dash chronicles chapter one.

(Authors note) based ten years after previous events.

“Hey Dash you got a visitor” said a cream pony with a headset on. “I got a show in five minutes I don’t have time for this” said Dash rolling her eyes “You will have time for this trust me” Rainbow turned around too shout at him then she saw an orange mare with a purple mane.

“Wow Scootaloo is that you?” said Rainbow with a tear of joy in her eye her heart was still aching from when Scootaloo ran away from her a few years back “listen dash we have a lot to catch up on I just want you to know that I'm here to audition for the Wonderbolts” Rainbow looked at her confused “Scootaloo a few things number one its great to see you I missed you so much and number two I am captain of the Wonderbolts are you allowed to audition?”

“Well I got to go get ready so ill talk to you later ok if you see Soarin tell him that I said hey” Rainbow felt a sudden pain in her stomach Soarin had passed away a while back trying out a new stunt the whole situation put Rainbow down a bit “a lot has happened since Scootaloo left” she thought to herself.

“Alright Dash you gotta go out their and wow those guys show them what their in for if they want to be a bolt” Rainbow put on her goggles and mask she walked out of the tent into a hallway where Spitfire was “Dash you look bad are you ok? Doing a double trick is hard you up for it “Spitfire said “You ever seen me back down to something like this” Spitfire got the message suddenly their were bright sparks going off in front of them Rainbow nodded at Spitfire they shot out of the sparks together and started shooting up they were flying in unison with each other flying up together spinning around each other forming a spiral trail behind them, just before they broke off Spitfire activated a firework and they flew down together.

The crowd went crazy as the two of them landed on the field together they bro hoofed then Rainbow stood up on the stand with a microphone “welcome to Wonderbolt audition everypony judged by what I can see this will be one hell of a competition it will be dificult to choose who to allow through, just remember play fair and fly well thank you” Rainbow stepped down to sit with the other judges.

Thirty minutes later it was Scootaloo’s turn to audition Rainbow leaned across the table to the commentator “um can she audition she is my daughter” she whispered in his ear he replied with “if your judging is bias then no we will judge your opinions with the others so she can compete but just be careful with how you judge”
Scootaloo got to the middle of the field and gulped “come on Scootaloo show Dash what you’re made of” Scootaloo took off extremely quickly and shot up in the air spinning when she got to the altitude she wanted she started spinning around some clouds which she crafted into the Wonderbolts insignia the crowd cheered frantically they liked it but she knew it wasn’t enough to get into the Wonderbolts “time to really wow them”. She shot up higher than before getting as high as she could the crowd watched in silence she shot down like a bullet going at a stupid speed. Rainbow glanced at her and leaned over to spitfire “Is she going to try a sonic rainboom?” Spitfire replied to Rainbow “looks like it” Rainbow shot out of her chair not even getting up she flew out of it straight at Scootaloo she flew next to the mare grabbed her hoof and slowed herself down slowing Scootaloo down aswell.

When they reached the ground Scootaloo was furious “Mum what the hay was that” Rainbow turned around “listen here Scootaloo you might be older now but I am still your mum show me some respect, I still care about you I haven’t seen you in years your not dying now” Scootaloo stormed off “Spitfire can you stop her outside the arena I need to announce the winner.” Spitfire nodded and walked off shouting Scootaloos name. “Thank you for all of you that entered the winner was very difficult this year and I'm sorry to announce that due to the difficult decision we have decided that only two of you will be being forwarded through to the second wave of auditions those two ponies are Wind Whistler and Yo-Yo thanks for your time”. At that Rainbow stepped down off of the stand and walked over to the changing rooms. She took off her uniform quickly and ran out of the room with a satchel on her back and sprinted for the exit. As she was leaving all of the fan ponies saw her Rainbow looked around worried “oh for Celestia’s sake” she sprinted for the exit which was only a few meters away but the fans were gaining up on her so she took off into the sky at a hovering altitude but still going fast.

“Scootaloo your mum did it because she cares it wasn’t against you at all” Scootaloo was throwing a tantrum she had a grumpy look on her face “Scootaloo catch” shouted Rainbow as she flew over the two of them. She threw the satchel at Scootaloo. Spitfire saw the crowd heading towards her she took off with Rainbow and they both flew off, the crowd was getting bigger and bigger Rainbow was smart and headed for the hotel that the Wonderbolts were staying at she went over to the bouncer who let them two in but denied access to the following fans.

Scootaloo looked at the satchel that Rainbow had just thrown at her it had the Wonderbolt insignia on it she opened it up and it had a note at the top which read “hey Scootaloo this satchel contains everything you need your very own outfit and this slip should get the bouncer to let you in we are in the penthouse trust me the party will be crazy you don’t want to miss it” Scootaloo looked very happily at the outfit she decided to put it on leaving the mask off.

Scootaloo walked up to the bouncer and gave him the slip he examined it closely “wow so you’re the new Wonderbolt welcome and please enjoy your stay” the crowd behind her trying to get into the party screamed Scootaloo looked back with a smile on her face she walked into the elevator then pulled a pose for the photographers. When the elevator doors closed she did a backflip “wow wow wow wow that was AWESOME!” as the elevator opened she saw this amazing penthouse it was really expensive looking their was a statue of Rainbow Dash in the middle posing the place was crazily awesome looking. She walked through the crowd some people she had never met before shacked her hoof and congratulated her a few people wanted a signature and one person even wanted a picture.

Rainbow hovered up in the air “hey every pony I have a very important thing to tell you I have just received word that my amazingly talented daughter has just arrived at the party has anyone seen her?” Spitfire raised her hoof in the air “hey Rainbow over here look their she is” Scootaloo turned around she was looking at the statue before she was summoned. “Hey Scoots get up here lets give the papers a picture they will remember” Scootaloo flew up to her mum she flew next to her and put one hand on her shoulder and the other she shook her hand.

The photographers jumped on the picture like a million pound cheque Scootaloo leaned over and whispered into Rainbows ear “thank you mum this is a dream come true” Rainbow smiled at Scootaloo as she looked into her eyes she thought to herself “if only she knew how difficult it is to do this job” then she said “my pleasure you ready for one hell of a party”. Scootaloo nodded Rainbow flew down to the ground and signaled Scootaloo with her head to follow her they walked through a crowd of people taking photos and looking in awe at the two of them.

After about twenty minutes they finally arrived at Rainbows room they walked in together Rainbow went straight to the wardrobe Scootaloo just looked around in awe “so is this what being a Wonderbolt is like lots of money and rich ponies” Rainbow was still looking through her wardrobe but nodded to tell Scootaloo that it was. Rainbow pulled out her Wonderbolt outfit out of the wardrobe and started putting it on “listen Scootaloo we really need to talk you don’t know anything about the past few years and I need to catch you up you can sleep in the penthouse tonight for now just enjoy yourself I will get you a bed setup ASAP but right now me and Spitfire have some showing off to do”. Scootaloo nodded then opened the door and as she was leaving she turned around “thanks mum I love you”.

Rainbow had her outfit on and walked out of the room and shouted after Scootaloo “Watch this Scoots it will be one hell of a show” Scootaloo followed her Rainbow went out onto the balcony which was a huge swimming pool and past the pool was a helipad not that ponies are known for their transportation but it was installed just in case. Their was a safety barrier with bouncers guarding it they let Rainbow past and Scootaloo but told her to “stay next to us don’t get any closer” Scootaloo nodded in agreement Spitfire was standing their waiting for Rainbow they bro hoofed. “Come on Rainbow lets really wow them how about a fantastic filly flash” Spitfire nodded in agreement.

The two of them grabbed each other by the hoofs then started flying upwards they started to spin to do the spiral they did earlier this time Rainbow had a different idea Spitfire broke off and went down to do the fantastic filly flash Rainbow kept flying up Spitfire landed and looked up at Rainbow in shock Rainbow was flying up extremely quickly she then did a one hundred and eighty degree turn and started flying down, she was going as fast as a bullet towards the ground she flew down past the helipad as she went past the sonic Rainboom happened the shockwave with a huge impact made some of the pool rise forming a wave the audience watched in awe. Rainbow flew through the wave creating a Rainbow above her.

The photographers went crazy the amount of flash was making Rainbow dizzy their was to much of it she covered her eyes with her hoof and started hovering down towards the ground she was starting to feel dizzy her hearing was all out she heard a loud ringing and she saw two hoofs in front of her she heard a distorted Scootaloo “that was awesome good job” she took her hoof away and saw Scootaloo in front of her Rainbow went to hug Scootaloo but ended up fainting on her.

To be continued.

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Some Person

Some Person #1 · Nov 29th, 2011 · · ·

Ok, uh, let's get right to it. This needs work, big time.

First off, you need to make a new paragraph when a different character speaks. This way we have a better idea of who's talking.

Secondly, it's as if punctuation does not exist in this story. There are literally only four commas present when there should be a LOT more (especially in a story that's almost two thousand words). Also, periods, learn to use them. You should go through this again and see where you need to place punctuation, because this looks like a complete mess.

Next, know and fully understand the difference between their, they're, and there. Their is used for possession terms and such (their volleyball, their car). There is used for a location (I placed the wallet on the table over there). They're is a contraction for they are; although you didn't use this term in your story, I can safely assume that I should point this out.

Also, quotation marks. Be very careful of where you place them. If you place them in the improper position, it will make other sentences look like they're dialogue.

Speaking of quotation marks, let's move onto punctuating dialogue. You need to understand how to do this properly. Please direct your attention to this copy-paste: Remember, a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Refer to these examples:
“Screw clopfics.” He gulped the whiskey down.
“I hope one day you get this right,” the reviewer moaned.
“I don't know why so many get it wrong,” he whined, “it's not that hard!”
“Why do so many make this mistake?” he mused.
“I can't wait until the next time I don't have to deal with this!” he shouted.
Vimbert whispered, “Someone else, write a fic where I don't have to use this copypaste.”

Now, the plot. It was incredibly confusing for me. First off, you mention that this takes place after your old story. However, you should at least give some mention to the previous story's events. This way, other readers can see this and get up to speed. That, or at least make it obvious in your title that this is a sequel to another story. I just presumed this was a standalone concept, but now I see that I'll have to wade through ten chapters of a different story if I want to understand what's going on.

Another thing, Rainbow Dash is Scootaloo's mom? I can understand this being fanfiction, but at least try to keep some things canon. That kind of concept makes no sense. Granted, this might be a concept explained in your earlier story, but still...

So yes, this needs a massive redo. I would go easier on you, but since you have a story with ten chapters released, there's very little room for an excuse. Get. A. Proofreader. People have suggested you get one, even offered to be one for you; yet you choose to keep writing, not taking any time to see where you can improve your writing skills. It can make an incredible difference if you have someone sit down and read over your story, giving you pointers and correcting issues before submitting chapters to this (or any other) site.

Ok, enough of my ramble, get to work.

FeatherfurWolf