The Immortal Pony

Twilight Sparkle has tried a new spell and it caused a young man from a
different universe to fall into Equestria and then the portal closes. Oh yeah and he turned into a pegasi colt but she doesn't find out that part till ch 2

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Comments ( 9 )

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Regidar

Regidar #1 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

All I can say...
media.desura.com/cache/images/members/1/320/319529/thumb_940x3000/an_hero.jpg

TheAussieBlue

TheAussieBlue #2 · Oct 8th, 2012 · 3 · ·

Okay. Wow. This is bad. Now instead of saying 'it's bad' and leaving you to it, I've got to point out HOW it's bad.

Twilight had noticed that everyone got quite boring lately in equestrian and there she found a strange book under a trapdoor in the library that she didn't know about.

The first sentence is perfect for this. It is fast, jumbled, and it has no real structure. A better way of writing it would be:

"Twilight had noticed that everything had gotten quite boring in Equestria lately. That was until she found the trap door after she had spent some time sweeping the floor with nothing better to do. Twilight lifted the iron ring set into the floor, illiumintating the room with the reddish haze of her magic, and heaved at the wood, making the trap door squeak on it's rusty hinges."

Now the first thing is, pacing. Now there are two ways to do this. Describe Twilight finding the book (like I did) which is perfect for atmosphere building, or you could have her simply state that she found the book, but not where. Twilight has the book, it doesn't matter.

Now from there, you make more mistakes. Terrible mistakes.

Twilight studied the new stranger and noticed he was wearing trainee armor [The man starts off equipped with this armor in the game]. She also noticed he was a pegasi pony but for some strange reason he had two cutie marks. Twilight also noticed that the pegasi had been impaled with a large sword in his heart yet it was clear by his pulse that he is alive and well.

What the hell? What game? What starter armour? How the hell does Twilight know what Trainee Armour is? Rerember, perspective is everything. If you're writing from a guy's perspective, write AS IF THE DUDE WAS TALKING. sorry to yell, but that's important.

Next, Twilight knows the pulse. How? Does she magically know? What is needed here is descriptive narrative. You need to say:

"Twilight panicked at the sight of the bleeding Pegasus on her wooden floor. The sword lodged in his chest was the biggest emergency, though a small part of her mind nagged about cleaning the wooden floors. Rushing frowards, she quickly cast a quick first aid spell to check if the unfortunate pony currently bleeding in front of her was actually alive. Strangely, despite the sword sticking out of his chest (seriously, kinda hard to ignore) the Pegasus seemed fine."

That's all I've got time for. Others may pick up the slack, but maybe this can help you out a bit.

SosukeRyou

SosukeRyou #3 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

1405137

* A

Regidar

Regidar #4 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

1405242 That's the joke. Here, read this to get a better understanding.

butterfield pancake

butterfield pancake #5 · Oct 8th, 2012 · · ·

1405156 thank you for your help this was my first story and your opinion will only help me get better [And the game is this] [Glory of Heracles] Example of Magic Reflux damage [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-vTN9TsXFw

fluttershyfan3030