- Member Since 29th Aug, 2023
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
Fireflight startrottor
a man with a troubled past and an uncertain future and so i've only got one thing to say... stand till the end. pls boop
Fireflight startrottor
Joined 29th Aug, 2023 ·
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Why is gen capitalized?
11790362
tis my rank
11790746
In that case, shouldn’t it be “Gen.”?
11803127
New to this shit and don’t have an editor remember and probably
I had seen this story in the update, and although for me the "subfandom" of Fallout Equestria is already dead and has no salvation, at least it is good to know that there are still people who continue writing about this universe.
This is something personal, but when I see the phrase "War, war never changes," It comes to my mind, 'Ugh, another of these FoE' Where originality is conspicuous by its absence, but we will see what this surprisingly short story offers.
Sometimes the story gets very confusing because I don't know who is speaking, and the fact that the characters have similar voices doesn't help; the paragraphs are all stuck together.
Our protagonist is a human named Atom? Well, at least it's a break from the fucking stable Mary Sue unicorns. Although a human is a strange decision, I mean, it is a species that does not exist in Equestria, but hey, it is your story; you will know why you took this approach.
Another story that uses footnotes? Not that it's a bad thing, but do you know that this is a story and not a video game? Just because Kkat did it doesn't mean it's good or necessary for a story; no one cares about footnotes.
This makes the story feel "artificial" and takes away credibility. In a Final Fantasy movie, you will never see characters attacking each other in turns, like you would in a game, because the story and video game formats work in very different ways.
When Atom mentions Ori, referring to the Ori from the video game, that felt extremely out of place and that it doesn't fit with the Fallout Equestria universe. I think you should change the name and make it a pony version of Ori, or a version that fits within the Fallout Equestria universe.
The part where Atom says one of Littlepip's weird insults took me by surprise. I don't know if this story is a comedy or something, but that felt really forced because it was beside the point.
If you are going to put dialogues in Japanese or "Neighon," I would recommend doing it in Romaji. You are publishing this story where the majority speaks English; anyone who sees those kanjis would skip those dialogues or it would affect the reading experience. It is better in Romaji because that way it fits with the rest of the narrative.
In general, this story needs serious editing; it has flat characters, even Atom; they scream all the time, even for no reason (is that a running gag, I guess?). and the story is the typical one of the "chosen hero who has to save the wasteland." We have seen this in many movies or in other Fallout Equestria. The Original Fallout Equestria by Kkat also suffers from being unoriginal on some occasions. Many want to imitate or make variations of the formula he used, that the typical OC has to save the wasteland. Almost all side-fics follow this formula for a reason I do not understand.
I understand that it is your first story, but still, I had to mention some of the flaws. There are too many to be completely honest, but I know you can improve. I think the site has a writing guide; you should read it if you are interested.
11894581
Andy, thank you for this but, I have my reasons for atom to be a human. He is an alternate/future version of me and this is his story. The thing with ori is somewhat relevant but they will not be in the story. Atom has NO objective of “saveing the wasteland”, he is trying to survive and find the 81st elite corps and Tia. The little pip insult is something that I mutter to myself in real life and once again, he is a alternate/future version of me, but everything that has happened to me happened to him. And HE HAS A PIP-BUCK! Of course I will use footnotes. You do make some fair points but some will be answered later on and some are irrelevant. Though the thing with the Japanese issue, I will fix that in due time.
11894835
With the little information we have, it is easy to come to the conclusion that this is Atom's objective. The title "Blood of the Hero" implies that he will sacrifice to help others.
Regarding the PipBuck, I am simply giving you my opinion. You can continue with the footnotes, but no one will read them; it takes away coherence from your world; pipbucks can have other functions; it does not have to be a copy and paste of the game (only changing the name); it has to adapt to a story, including gameplay mechanics in a story; it makes it difficult to take it seriously; the characters feel "scripted" instead of being living beings trying to survive; in addition to that, you are only making the longest chapters with information on perks, levels, elements that are of no use in a story; just because everyone does it does not mean that it is something right.
But that depends entirely on you, you can continue, it is your story at the end of the day, I only mention the disadvantages of including gameplay mechanics in a story. (And the fact that readers ignore this in the Big 5 Fallout Equestria stories doesn't make it a positive thing either)