• Member Since 9th Aug, 2023
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Leviathan Eclipse

Don't mind me, just an aspiring author. I have a dozen projects going, and hopefully I'll be able to post one within the next year... If I can stop making new projects every week.


Shining Armor is Twilight's Big Brother Best Friend Forever... but what does that really mean? More importantly, how long does "forever" actually last? Shining, Twilight, and later even Spike slowly figure that out. Where do their loyalties truly lie? What are they willing to sacrifice to stick together? Will fate and nature itself drive them apart? Or will they overcome the odds?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 5 )

That was a nice read :twilightsmile:
Excited to learn what will happen next :raritystarry:

I just want to get some brutally honest feedback. Like, Rainbow Dash levels of brutal honesty.

Well, that's something I think I can deliver:rainbowdetermined2:. First of all as general advice, I can't recommend starting out as an author with a giant project, that you seem to be planning for practical reasons:

First of all, we usually publish to receive some form of recognition in the form of comments and viewer numbers and after looking and comparing how well stories are doing it seems to favor smaller completed works :derpytongue2:. So if you want to get some more followers I would suggest either trying some alongside or maybe just writing the first arc for this story as its own story.

Second is simply that people usually are not perfect when they are just starting out which might lead to you being unhappy with the earlier parts of the story down the line. In some cases that even led other writers to cancel their story, The Demesne of the Reluctant Twilight Sparkle being a prominent example of exactly that happening :pinkiegasp:.

But this is just general advice that you may take to heart or choose to ignore, let's get to what you really wanted, some feedback :twilightsmile:.

Today went was going by in a flash.

A minor grip I have with the tense, but as it's your very first sentence in the story, it did bother me a bit. There are other usable tenses here, but going with just "went" just doesn't seem correct to me in the context, though that could also be my non-native brain talking. But that was actually the only thing about grammar/spelling that stood out to me, the rest seems pretty good :twilightsmile:.

About the plot, though not much has happened yet I do have a few notes:
Why is Shining being watched by two guards instead of hospital staff, more specifically why are they even there? That seemed a bit out of place :unsuresweetie:.
I like the small exposition dump about Clan history, it doesn't feel unnatural but something an overly proud pegasus would say to a small colt. However, I have to take some points off for how the whole BBBFF is now a suggestion by the guards. That acronym is something that sounds like it was made up by little kids, not something an adult would come up with, or at least not so out of the blue as it is here. It also makes that acronym not so special anymore, as it would hold more meaning if the two siblings had come up with it themselves :fluttershysad:.
With a similar thought, I hope you give Shining more of a reason to join the guard than simply that one comment he got, as that would be a pretty weak motivation and makes him seem to just go with what his environment suggests him to do :twilightoops:.
The second part where Shining meets his sister is pretty good and just a sweet thing to read, don't really have anything of note there.

All in all a pretty good start and welcome aboard this cozy platform :yay:.

I appreciate the notes a ton. Some of your concerns I plan to address in later chapters like why Shining was being watched by guards. And Shining will have plenty of other reason to join the guard as he grows up... Well, one or two very big reasons. As for the acronym thing, I have a plan for that as well. It might not be a great plan, but it is a plan.

As far as your concerns about getting recognized, I plan to write various shorter stories along with this longer one. I have a lot of irons in the fire, and this is defiantly gonna take a while. Also, I mostly do this as a hobby. Sure it would be great to be recognized as a good writer, but I mostly do this because writing is fun, and I have tons of stories in my head I feel the need to put down. This specific story though, has a greater significance to me. Not to say I want it to be perfect. I just have a specific message I want to put out, but that wont be clear for quite a few more chapters.

Thank you for giving me exactly what I asked for, and I look forward to see your opinion on my future work. Especially my Jinglemass story I'm writing. That's currently my top priority, but after I finish that, I'll be a free agent once again.

Glad I could help you :twilightsmile:.

However, I must say that I still think it's important to reach other people even if you are mostly writing for yourself. I get the sentiment, but we post stories online to hopefully get a little bit back like the feedback you want, which can only happen if people are actually reading your story. I probably would not have stumbled onto yours without it being recommended to me by a certain user who tends to be silent :trollestia:. Because to me not getting any response after putting a story out there, but only indifference and neither likes/dislikes or comments is not a good feeling. That's why I think it's actually reasonable to think of steps to actually get a decent reader number. I get that you don't write for fame or recognition, but we still want to talk about our hobby, and well, that'll only happen when you get some people to actually talk with :twilightsmile:.

I do appreciate the help and suggestions. I'll likely do a lot more out reach as I continue to add more chapters. I do hope to hear more from you as I continue to hone my craft. I actually came up with more ideas for this story just from ruminating on your advice.

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