It's been a few months since the Friendship Games and Sunset has enjoyed her time with her new friends in her new school of Canterlot High. But sometimes, happiness isn't everything, and a voice can make its way back into the mind of the victim.
A short one-shot
Note: First Ever Fimfic, criticism is much appreciated!
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When you're just having a relaxing time at the beach, only for those intrusive thoughts to walk in and say 'Buddy? Are you having fun right now?! Oh, that just won't do!'...
Thank goodness, Sunset has her friends at her back. I'd imagine Rainbow Dash would want to punch her intrusive thoughts if that could help her.
Sci-Twi's recovery method was a smart choice and brilliantly performed.
11729000
Thank you so much!! That is amazing to know. I am so glad you enjoyed it!
P.S. Any general feedback on writing style that I should incorporate?
This was an enjoyable little one-shot! As far as first fics go, it looks great.
That said, I felt that more buildup at the start would have been nice, and i definitely think a little more could have been put at the end--maybe a longer conversation between Sunset and Sci Twi?
Then we get into two site nitpicking things: if you have no immediate plans for adding more to this, than you should set the fic to "hiatus" to let people know, but I'd personally recommend setting it to "complete" and, if you add more, post a second one-shot and say in the description that it is a sequel.
And finally, the tags feel weird. Esp the "human" one, as that one is meant for IRL humans entering Equestria/Canterlot High world, but just an EQG fic shouldn't really have it(this threw me for a loop, too). Also, the romance tag should definitely be considered carefully, on the terms of what you plan on immediately adding. Personal recommendation is to remove it until you add more that content that warrants the tag.
Most of that mess of text is subjective, so feel free to follow or ignore it, and I hope it helped!
11729271
Thanks for the feedback, I'll go ahead and ponder those tag changes. (definitely removing human though)
I'll also think about marking it as complete and then sequel (or just add new chapters here).
Thanks again for the feedback!
11729355
No problem, glad I could help!
This really helps other understand what an anxiety attack feels like, magical demon or no. You did excellent to convey the feeling.
Regarding critique, it was a bit quick from Sunset finding any alley to Twilight just popping up.
11729553
Completely fair! Thanks for the critique!
Man I've thought stuff exactly like this too many times.
Some little nothing errors...
Sunset should be capitalized.
I believe blanked should be blanket.
This was great if a little short. I can relate a lot to it, as I'm sure many others can.
This line in particular was stellar...
Interested in seeing more from you.
11755466
Tysm!!
I need to edit those errors thanks for pointing them out XD
The voice sounds alot like The Call Of The void
Edit: guess I was wrong
also you should make it completed or on hiatus instead of incomplete
11816667
I am working on the next chapter as we speak, uni just really picked up so I'm gonna get it out in the next week or two. If I don't- then yell at me lol
11816667
Ok it was technically longer than a week, but I did update it
I'm quite thrilled to see where you take this. Just no four month waits, yeah?
11826149
I'll try not to! This was a fluke I swear XD